Having eaten to late I was tormented with horrid nightmares. In the middle of them I had a prophetic vision from none other than the Flying Spaghetti Monster (through whom all things are made, Ramen) In it he dictated to me the life of an early prophet and asked me to present it to you. I do not know whether it shall remain apocryphical or whether His noodle will extend to yourhearts as it has mine. I now present the story as he pressed it into my orbital sockets.
11As time passed, the chosen people forgot their Noodley Master. Such is the way of people, imperfect in their bipedal forms without the true noodles of understanding such as He has.
2He looked out abroad the vast world and rued the day He created a mountain, a tree and a 3 midget. 4He thought he would wipe the face of speeding sphere, He thought we should all squeal like piggies. 5But if He is anything it is just, 6well, just and saucy.
T7herefore our Noodley Creator,8 9 deemed in His infinite mercy to send us a guide post, a sacred prophet whom could lead the good people back to His plan for us, a beer in every10 hand and a pirate in every other boat. For that is the essence of life, therein we can see His glory.11
12Born in the land of the Greasy Moon, which13 can be found to the south of the four hundred and twelth fast food chain which He has deemed unmentionable, He set His sacred prop14het to work.
2On the 1fourth day of the nineteenth week in the fourtieth year after the death of the midget's great grandniece twice removed, was born a yak. Not just any yak, but the yak who would lay down His law and spread His message and save us from a death that would really blow. 34 This yak was thereby marked by Him and given the holy name,1 "Bob".
Bob 7lived a simple life in his younger years and vanished from memory until he researched in the eldest city of Nobturly Phucket. Those of of Nobturly Phucket awoke one morning hearing the bleating calls of Bob, 8 for Bob had come to be a mediator between us and Him, so that we could know how truly pissed off He was.
The dwellers behaved poorly 9 to Bob and tried to eat him and calling in such hate as is unbecoming, "Why the hell won't that damn yak shut up." Our Noodley Master looked poorly upon those of Nobturly Phucket and was so enraged that he stretched forth his Noodley Appendage and wiped that10 city from the land as one would vigourously kick the hell out of a sand castle. He left alive only Bob and one person to travel with Bob and who's line would forevermore be Bob's bitch. This man summarily had his name and all title to exist stripped and was thenceforth144 known only as "that man who talks to a yak".
12Bob then went from city to city proclaiming, "Our Noodley Lord has wiped Nobturly Phucket from the planet, in time they shall become less than memory, let the fact that he has erased them and they shall never again be shown light in the world spurn you to fear His wrath as you strive for his love. 13 Nothing of that place or people will remain, they are so completely gone it shall be as if they never were."
13Clearly, our Pasta Lord in the Heavens intended to use this eradication of Nobturly Phucket to steer the fates of man, to guide us into goodness, decency, and amatuer night karaokee.
13The sun came and went, moons rose and passed and Bob found himself before Emperor Felatio, whom was doomed to be written out of history for his crimes. Bob came in, head held high and alongside him his humble servant That Man Who Talks To A Yak.
14Bob cleared his voice in a way that only a yak can pull off and said, "You have broken His high laws in forcing your people to work on His holidays. 15 He has ordained me to come and pimp smack you. So Felatio, get down upon they knees and prepare for a few swift head blows." 16 And ,sin of sins, Emperor Felatio blasphemied the prophet of His Noodley Goodness, and said "Yo mama, yak boy."
17Bob turned three times and deficated upon the floor and said, "In His power all things are manifest, you have behaved like an ass and now you shall be like a pile of dung in the history of the world. Swiftly wiped with three ply you shall fade and whither. nations will rise and will fall, you shall witness it all. 18 For you are forever doomed to be both immortal and forgotten, and shall view the events of the world from His outhouse."
867-5309 With that Bob turned and was gone, many days have passed since and already man has forgotten Emperor Felatio, I daresay he will never be seen outside the sacred texts again.
1.1 Is the excitement just too much? Browse this papyrus later for 2Bob, Bob Strikes Again.