Writing The "Meaty Bible"

Submit your scriptural writings for inclusion in the Loose Canon, and your tales of ancient FSM Lore, as well as any other FSM-related writing you may have.

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Postby Alchron on Sun Sep 11, 2005 1:12 pm

Auntie Dee Dee wrote:Nope, just evil.

Never even saw the movie.

Auntie Dee Dee


You should see it, it may be old, but old movies have a tendency to be awesome for the story. In this case, DeNiro is very creepy and perfect for the role.
May he bless us all from the tyranny of bad food and awful music

:worship: :fsm: Ramen...
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Postby fourthgeek on Sun Sep 11, 2005 1:22 pm

I've been working on the book of Pastalms.

Blessed is the one that eateth not with unclean hands, nor standeth in the way of cooks, nor sitteth at the Dinnertable improperly. But he or she finds delight in the law of PASTA; and thus doth he partake every Friday. And the devout shall be like a fork planted among hills of noodles, that bringeth forth bountiful heaps of sauce to the mouth; the wind shall always be upon his back to guide his sails from sea monsters. The sauceless are not so, but shall be keelhauled across barnacle-ridden rudders. Therefore the sauceless shall not eat at the Dinnertable of the righteous. For the FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER knoweth the way of the righteous: but the way of the sauceless shall be left with empty stomachs.

A Psalm of Anne Bonny, when she fled from New Providence. Oh FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER, how many are my foes! Many are rising against me, saying there is no promise in your Sauciness. But thou, oh FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER, doth protect me with your Noodly Appendage, art the boiler of my linguini and the hauler of my keel. I cry aloud to FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER, and he answers me from his holy oven. It is from his glory that I may sleep and rise again to find my cutlass polished and my noodles al dente. I shall not fear the unnoodly. Arise, O FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER! For thou doth make the pasta of mine enemies slimy and encrust their corsairs with barnacles. O, FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER, well-tipped be his deliverance boys.

To the master cook: with ingredients aplenty. Bless my meatballs, O Flying Spaghetti Monster! Thou hast given me ample kitchen space. How long shall the sauceless mock your Noodles? How long shall they ignore your noodliness, for other explanations? But know that the FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER prefers his Apostles of Al Dente, and raises them above all. Silently detest those with unclean kitchens. rAmen. Utilize the bountiful harvests with which he has provided you. Some may say, “O, that we might toil over hot ovens! Lift your Noodly Appendage to mine brow, O FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER!â€￾ In you I have found more joy than with plentiful beer or strippers. In peace I will glut in pasta, for thou alone, O FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER, makest mine water boil.
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Postby Little Bird on Sun Sep 11, 2005 9:43 pm

I love it, Freak Ash! Can I be next, right after the letter from the Rev. Bobby Henderson to the heathens of the Kansas School Board? I'll be your very best friend!

me--> :worship: 8) <--Freak Ash
The book of Teresa
(down the page a bit)
May the fork be with you :fsm:
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Postby Freak Ash on Mon Sep 12, 2005 4:46 am

Oh crikey! Hello!

Well, I've been in discussion with the mods (or Cardinal Queequeg, who has been in discussion with the other mods), and we are now mobilising to get theis book properly organised and properly written.

We should have some announcements to make in a couple of weeks or so, and I'll get back to you properly then, but I've looked at your Book of Teresa and it looks to be good, solid stuff.
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Postby Little Bird on Mon Sep 12, 2005 8:39 am

Why thank you! It was, of course, dictated to me in a vision. :mrgreen:
The book of Teresa
(down the page a bit)
May the fork be with you :fsm:
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Postby Freak Ash on Mon Sep 12, 2005 10:52 am

Of course. As I was told to start the Holy Parmesaneus in a dream... the Flying Spaghetti Monster came to me, caressing me with His Noodly Appendage, and told me it must be so, and that He would show me a Sign as proof of His visitation... and in the morning, there it was; His Image on the bedsheets...
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Angels

Postby Chris H on Mon Sep 12, 2005 8:45 pm

I had a dream that The Flying Spaghetti Monster sent angels shaped like penne to me. They gathered on cloud-like pirate ships and used their cannon-like bodies to wage a great sea battle in the sky. I need to know if this was a sign or just the result of bad gas from the holy marinara sauce. Please help if you can.
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heaven

Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Wed Sep 14, 2005 8:29 pm

i was touched by his noodly appendage, not in a dream, but right here on the message boards. someone was asking, "what would we do in heaven? (aside from getting drunk and laid).
and it was then i was touched. i asked myself, and was answered by the Great Flying Spaghetti Monster.
the following is a description of half of heaven (note: not very well organized. i would appriciate it if someone re-did it in a more formal way of writing)

(blahblah about beer volcanoe and stripper facotry)
also did the great FSM create a vast sea, stretching on and on for all eternity.
from one end of the beach is the beer volcanoe, starting a vast mountain rage, ending in a cliff on the sea, creating many wonderful pirate hiding places.
on the other end, was the bus stop, where many heathens came from to enjoy the beer and strippers. in between was the great stripper factory and the great itallian diner (Aunt Dee Dee's Diner?).
in the space not taken up by buildings or beer volcanoes, were drunken people getting laid.


at the waters edge, pirate crews formed, and pirates did leave.
off into the distant Eternal Caribbian, where it is always the 1600's, they would pillage non-believers.
the great islands were divieded in two catagories, cool islands for exploring, conquering, and pirate ship hiding.
the other half islands were for people who believed in other heavens.
these non-believers are not to be hated as much as the bus-riders, for they did not know of the FSM.
so they are to live eternity in their own versions of heaven, but ever pillaged by the Pasta Pirates.
these non-belivers may be allowed to convert later than death, for excuse by ignorance.



woo. carpal tunnel syndrome here i come.

anyway. just to clear some things up that i couldn't fit into the verses, there is not one island for every religeon. one christian islad? it'd be bigger than australia. this is paritally why it is infinitely large. many many christian islands. and many muslim and so forth. there are also many islands of releigions people made up and never told anyone else. these people get ever so lonely. unless their reliegeon includes a stripper facotry or something along those lines.

also, the more inhabitiate islands ther are, there are more cool ones with nifty pirate hiding places.
also, where do pirate ships come from? i probably a pirate ship facotry at the waters edge, but they could just appear out of thin air if that works for more people.

also in my thoughts, there would not be just one beer volcanoe. that is simply illogical. there must be many, but of course, one that is the biggest, best, and most central beer volcanoe.

the mountain range in the north would only have beer volcanoes in the south, near where humans live, but if ye dare go whree there mountain are, would there be beer inside the mountians for mining? beer mine! this would also make for the creation of more beer volcanoes when needed. because, as you can see, there are more dead people thand living people. or there will be.

i also vote that Aunt Dee Dee should own the Itallian Diner when she dies. and it shall be called Aunt Dee Dee's Diner. just my idea.


please decide on these things quickly, so i may repost my stuff with a complete description of heaven. (i've kinda assumed that role whilst writing this)

i made a map using paint, but i dont know how to post it on here. HELP ME.

RAmen
daftbeaker wrote:But if I stop bugging you I'll have to go back to arguing with Qwerty about whether beauty is truth and precisely what we both mean by 'purple' :moon:


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Postby ghaz on Fri Sep 16, 2005 7:32 pm

1 Incipiente, nihil erat
2 et FSM "LOCUM FUTURUS ESSE" putat
3 et locum montes erat
4 et arbores ad illum magnopere excreverunt
5 et arbores silvam factae sunt
6 sed silva algida erat et FSM ager erat
7 et FSM incumbit, et paucus faciebatur
8 archaepirata apellabat
9 et prima pirata erat
10 et FSM iutus sentit
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Stomach - "Grumble..."

Postby Retrovertigo on Sat Sep 17, 2005 6:10 pm

Man... I have got to stop reading this stuff right before dinner. In blessing me with my omnivorian nature, He hath cursed me with longing!
"Those who invalidate reason ought seriously to consider whether they argue against reason with or without reason; if with reason, then they establish the principles that they are laboring to dethrone: but if they argue without reason (which, in order to be consistent with themselves they must do), they are out of reach of rational conviction, nor do they deserve a rational argument."
[Ethan Allen]
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Postby Lord of the Left Hand on Sun Sep 18, 2005 2:01 am

Hi, I'm new to this religion. Is there a nemisis to the FSM? Like EVIL Dr. Atkins or something?

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Postby Cardinal Queequeg on Sun Sep 18, 2005 2:46 am

Welcome aboard!

There are some who say that Atkins is the Antipasto.

Others fear the Flaming Rice Ball.

But I have heard bad things said about breadsticks, too.


Cardinal Queequeg
In the name of the Pasta, and of the Sauce, and of the Garlic Toast, RAmen.
I look, you look, he looks, we look, ye look, they look.
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Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Sun Sep 18, 2005 9:04 am

how could breadsticks possibly be bad? they are high carb itallian foods, often accompianing pasta and pizza. somewhere in the scripture here is something on how four monsters or something rose from the ocean, one was the flying spaghetti monster, one what the evil atkins serpent, and there were two others.

atkins and other non or low-carb diet people are our incarnation of Satan.

some say that ninja's are evil against pirates, but others say ninja's are asian land pirates. we still haven't cleared that up
daftbeaker wrote:But if I stop bugging you I'll have to go back to arguing with Qwerty about whether beauty is truth and precisely what we both mean by 'purple' :moon:


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Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Sun Sep 18, 2005 6:48 pm

alright, I have a rought sketch of creation summed up.

FSM exists. he is bored. creates our universe, and makes the planets and our and creates mountians, trees, and other vegitation. he is sad because he has no one to talk to like himself, so he creates MR. Moon, (see thread Genises cahpter I) but MR Moon is a little on the retared side, so he makes Mr Moon the Moon. hence the name. he then creates from the sea, the first pirate, and the first midget (pesto) to try and help teach MR. Moon. but he kinda screwed up and also mistakenly created the serpent Atkins. thus ends creation.

I'ma try and find stuff on Pesto and stuff that happened right after Pesto.
daftbeaker wrote:But if I stop bugging you I'll have to go back to arguing with Qwerty about whether beauty is truth and precisely what we both mean by 'purple' :moon:


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The Holy Book!!!

Postby Solipsy on Mon Sep 19, 2005 12:24 am

I know, I know... Solipsy again *sigh*... always carping about moving scripture to the "proposed scripture" area found on the main forum index page. Pretty Please With Parmesan on Top? An extra meatball?


Work has begun on the Loose Canon! Auntie Dee Dee has given her blessing and rearranged the boards. His Noodly Appendages are gathering A Council of The Inspired, to kinda somehow organize all this humor and creativity into something approximating a Holy Text.

Want in? PM me. Lemme know what kinds of stuff you're interested in doing for Our Master in Marinara. I'm not like the leader or anything, I'm merely the person who has nothing else to do with my time. I mean it. Nothing. No kids. No job. Don't need money. Not in school. I cook a holy meal now and then, do some laundry... I hate TV. Probably could do something else, but this is hilarious and gives my life meaning... (Sad, ain't it...?)

Yours in sauce,
Solipsy
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This space for rent,
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