Writing The "Meaty Bible"

Submit your scriptural writings for inclusion in the Loose Canon, and your tales of ancient FSM Lore, as well as any other FSM-related writing you may have.

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A scribe, A scribe

Postby Pastina in Brodo on Wed Aug 24, 2005 6:11 pm

Long time believer, but only recently propery converted.

My people have worshipped the Noodly One for many years, and hail from Napoli. (all your meatballs are belong to them)

By trade, I am both an artist and scribe. I would humbly offer my services in this valiant effort to bring the One True Word to the unsemolina'd masses.

Count me in, in whatever manner his Noodlyness chooses.

Yours in Pastaliciousness,
Pastina in Brodo
If no one is ever going to ask for risotto on the side of their spaghetti again, we have won something. We've turned them around.
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Pastina in Brodo recipe

Postby Pastina in Brodo on Wed Aug 24, 2005 6:18 pm

1 pound dried pastina
5 tablespoons pepper EVOO (Extra Virgin Olive Oil
2 tablespoons hand-minced fresh garlic
3 cups broccoli flowers
salt and freshly ground pepper
2 tablespoons hand-chopped fresh thyme
3 cups hot chicken stock (or any substitute)
3 red bell peppers, roasted, peeled, seeded and diced
1 cup freshly grated Parmesana Reggiano cheese
1/2 stick butter

Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. Add pastina and cook until it is slightly undercooked, about 11 minutes. Make sure to stir occasionally during cooking or the pasta will stick to the bottom of the pan. Drain pasta and run under cold water to stop the cooking. Drain again and reserve.

Heat the olive oil in a saucepan over medium-high heat until hot. Add garlic and cook until very light brown, moving pan on and off heat as necessary to regulate temperature. Add broccoli and cook until it turns bright green, about 1 minute. Season with salt and pepper. Add thyme (it should make a crackling sound as it hits the hot pan). Add chicken stock to broccoli mixture and bring to a boil over high heat. Boil until reduced by half. Add peppers and cooked pastina and return mixture to a boil. Stir in 3/4 cup of the parmesan cheese and season with salt and pepper. Swirl in butter. Pour into a heated serving bowl or individual soup plates and sprinkle with remaining 1/4 cup cheese.

Mangi Bene!
/Anton
If no one is ever going to ask for risotto on the side of their spaghetti again, we have won something. We've turned them around.
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Postby Chuckstar on Wed Aug 24, 2005 6:47 pm

FSM is my chef; I shall not starve.
He maketh me rigatoni with sweet sauces:
He leadeth me inside the kitchen.
He restoreth good taste:
He leadeth me to the pasta strainer for al dente's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the foodcourt lacking pasta,
I shall fear no burgers: for thou art with me;
Thy noodley appendages, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me with marinara and alfredo;
Thou annointest my spaghetti with meatballs; My plate runneth over.

Surely cappucino and dessert shall follow pasta all the meals of my life,
and I will eat in the Olive Garden forever.
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Postby Pastina in Brodo on Wed Aug 24, 2005 6:51 pm

RA-men.
If no one is ever going to ask for risotto on the side of their spaghetti again, we have won something. We've turned them around.
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Postby stuffedstich on Thu Aug 25, 2005 7:00 am

heres a thought. Have two different sections. So our text can be in the front, and the recipies of his appendagey can be in the other :D
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Postby cheeses_priced on Thu Aug 25, 2005 7:43 am

Beware ! Beware, the betrayers are about. They may appear as true believers but are spreading false recipes. Beware the Anti-Pastafarians!

It has been written.

RAmen
Does ye believe? Arrrrrrr !
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recipes

Postby Noodlyoodly on Thu Aug 25, 2005 1:15 pm

Cheeses, if the recipes are for pasta with sauce, they are in keeping with the spirit of the FSM. Any pastas and any sauces are permitted, although marinara topped with parmesan is favored by many FSM'ers to worship the Holy Noodliness.
The pasta is the life.

In Pastalidarity, NOOOD
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The book of Teresa

Postby Little Bird on Fri Sep 09, 2005 1:57 pm

The creation
Before time began and matter firmed there was the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
The Flying Spaghetti Monster was bored and lonely and so, in his great wisdom, decided to create.
With his noodly appendages the Flying Spaghetti Monster reached out into the void and drew a world. And on that world he placed a mountain. And on that mountain he placed trees. And among the trees he placed a midget.
And to that midget he said “Be fruitful and multiply and entertain me in my boredom.â€￾
The midget attempted to be fruitful and multiply, but could find no fertile soil on the rocky mountain which to till.
So the midget cried out to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, “A little help?â€￾
So the Flying Spaghetti Monster reached out with his noodly appendages and created the rest of the world so the midget could do his thing.
And the Flying Spaghetti Monster saw the world was good and blessed it with his holy marinara.

The laws
The Flying Spaghetti Monster looked down on his creation and saw that there was much confusion. And so, in his great wisdom, he created the laws.
The Flying Spaghetti Monster appeared to the midget and asked him to pass these laws onto the rest of his creation.
And the laws are as follows:
1. I am the Flying Spaghetti Monster and you will have no gods except me.
2. Every Friday is a holy day reserved for my worship alone. On that day you will eat of the holy spaghetti and drink the beer while wearing full pirate regalia and toil not in the unholy cubicle.
3. Don’t have sex with someone else’s spouse.
4. Try not to steal or kill unless it is really important.
5. Try to be nice to each other.
And the midget took the laws to the world and everyone understood and partook in the holy meal and drank the holy beverage and dressed in the holy regalia and danced the pirate jig late into the night.
And the next morning, when world awoke, they found the holy meal had not fattened their thighs, and the holy beverage had not cursed their head with pain, and the carnal orgy which had followed the holy beverage had resulted in no pregnancies or cases of herpes.
It was taken as a miracle and the work of a most benevolent god and the world did worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster as its one true god.
And the Flying Spaghetti Monster saw the world was good and blessed it with his holy marinara.

The afterlife
The Flying Spaghetti Monster looked down on his creation and saw that two had died.
One of the dead was a devout follower. He died in the holy regalia and had eaten the holy meal and drank the holy. He had lived his life trying to be nice to everyone and in the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s own image had provided the holy meal and the holy beverage to those less fortunate than himself.
The Flying Spaghetti Monster saw that the devout follower deserved a reward and created a heaven for him.
And in that heaven the Flying Spaghetti Monster placed a beer volcano and a stripper factory.
And the beer volcano did erupt with every delicious beer at icy temperatures and the stripper factory produced strippers of every shape and color and sex with breasts and wangs of the sizes the devout could ever desire.
And at every restaurant the holy meal and holy beverage were served, along with a delicious salad buffet and sumptuous dessert of the devout’s choice.
And the Flying Spaghetti Monster placed the devout follower into his heaven and said “Everyone who follows my laws will meet you at the beer volcano.â€￾
Then the Flying Spaghetti Monster took the other dead and saw he was not a devout follower. He did not partake in the holy meal and beverage and did not dress in the holy regalia or follow the holy laws. Also—he was a jerk.
So the Flying Spaghetti Monster took the not devout follower and placed him into heaven and said to him “Everyone who does not follow my laws will be sentenced to food service and retail work in heaven until they have paid their due.â€￾
And the Flying Spaghetti Monster gave the not devout follower a hair net and ugly paper hat and set him to work.
And the world saw what the Flying Spaghetti Monster had created and worked to enter heaven as customer, not a worker.
And the Flying Spaghetti Monster saw the world was good and blessed it with his holy marinara.
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Re: The book of Teresa

Postby Alchron on Fri Sep 09, 2005 2:48 pm

Little Bird wrote:The creation
Before time began and matter firmed there was the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
The Flying Spaghetti Monster was bored and lonely and so, in his great wisdom, decided to create.
With his noodly appendages the Flying Spaghetti Monster reached out into the void and drew a world. And on that world he placed a mountain. And on that mountain he placed trees. And among the trees he placed a midget.
And to that midget he said “Be fruitful and multiply and entertain me in my boredom.â€￾
The midget attempted to be fruitful and multiply, but could find no fertile soil on the rocky mountain which to till.
So the midget cried out to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, “A little help?â€￾
So the Flying Spaghetti Monster reached out with his noodly appendages and created the rest of the world so the midget could do his thing.
And the Flying Spaghetti Monster saw the world was good and blessed it with his holy marinara.

The laws
The Flying Spaghetti Monster looked down on his creation and saw that there was much confusion. And so, in his great wisdom, he created the laws.
The Flying Spaghetti Monster appeared to the midget and asked him to pass these laws onto the rest of his creation.
And the laws are as follows:
1. I am the Flying Spaghetti Monster and you will have no gods except me.
2. Every Friday is a holy day reserved for my worship alone. On that day you will eat of the holy spaghetti and drink the beer while wearing full pirate regalia and toil not in the unholy cubicle.
3. Don’t have sex with someone else’s spouse.
4. Try not to steal or kill unless it is really important.
5. Try to be nice to each other.
And the midget took the laws to the world and everyone understood and partook in the holy meal and drank the holy beverage and dressed in the holy regalia and danced the pirate jig late into the night.
And the next morning, when world awoke, they found the holy meal had not fattened their thighs, and the holy beverage had not cursed their head with pain, and the carnal orgy which had followed the holy beverage had resulted in no pregnancies or cases of herpes.
It was taken as a miracle and the work of a most benevolent god and the world did worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster as its one true god.
And the Flying Spaghetti Monster saw the world was good and blessed it with his holy marinara.

The afterlife
The Flying Spaghetti Monster looked down on his creation and saw that two had died.
One of the dead was a devout follower. He died in the holy regalia and had eaten the holy meal and drank the holy. He had lived his life trying to be nice to everyone and in the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s own image had provided the holy meal and the holy beverage to those less fortunate than himself.
The Flying Spaghetti Monster saw that the devout follower deserved a reward and created a heaven for him.
And in that heaven the Flying Spaghetti Monster placed a beer volcano and a stripper factory.
And the beer volcano did erupt with every delicious beer at icy temperatures and the stripper factory produced strippers of every shape and color and sex with breasts and wangs of the sizes the devout could ever desire.
And at every restaurant the holy meal and holy beverage were served, along with a delicious salad buffet and sumptuous dessert of the devout’s choice.
And the Flying Spaghetti Monster placed the devout follower into his heaven and said “Everyone who follows my laws will meet you at the beer volcano.â€￾
Then the Flying Spaghetti Monster took the other dead and saw he was not a devout follower. He did not partake in the holy meal and beverage and did not dress in the holy regalia or follow the holy laws. Also—he was a jerk.
So the Flying Spaghetti Monster took the not devout follower and placed him into heaven and said to him “Everyone who does not follow my laws will be sentenced to food service and retail work in heaven until they have paid their due.â€￾
And the Flying Spaghetti Monster gave the not devout follower a hair net and ugly paper hat and set him to work.
And the world saw what the Flying Spaghetti Monster had created and worked to enter heaven as customer, not a worker.
And the Flying Spaghetti Monster saw the world was good and blessed it with his holy marinara.


That was good, except for the hookers with the wangs, that needs to kinda be omited for the purpose of "man, thats creepy". Other than that, good stuff.

Ramen :worship: :fsm_worried:
May he bless us all from the tyranny of bad food and awful music

:worship: :fsm: Ramen...
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Strippers with Wangs

Postby Little Bird on Fri Sep 09, 2005 3:50 pm

See, I was counting on a few women or gay men entering heaven too. They might like strippers with wangs.
The book of Teresa
(down the page a bit)
May the fork be with you :fsm:
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Postby Alchron on Fri Sep 09, 2005 9:45 pm

Auntie Dee Dee wrote:Alchron...

STRIPPERS, not hookers.

And FSM is an equal opportunity Deity. I'm not gonna care at all about a stripper with the same basic equipment that I have. being a female type of person, breasts aren't my thing.

Sooo, the equal entertainment for all FSM clause states that you are incorrect in your egocentric assumptions. Try again, please.

Auntie Dee Dee


Whoops, my bad. I was typing the wrong thing :mrgreen:

Yeah, I thought that they were something that they weren't, my bad.

May FSM forgive my mis-typing/typo? that I posted.

::EDIT::

Well, I am all for equal entertainment, I just made a bad call on that one. I can't really recover from that one, so I will just admit that I was stupid and move on.
May he bless us all from the tyranny of bad food and awful music

:worship: :fsm: Ramen...
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Postby Cynicus on Sat Sep 10, 2005 3:26 am

The Parable of the 5 Blind Pirates

And Lo, in the kingdom there once lived a small band of double-patched pirates who lived together (mostly a shared expense thing). Though they were pirates in name, they alas, had never sailed the mighty sea on a pirate ship. So although they tried to live happy lives, all of them knew that without sailing... piarates they would never truly be.

One day the mailman came and told them some great news. There was a crew at port looking for mates and giving free tours of their ship! The blind pirates were overjoyed. They grabbed their canes and parrots and headed out to experience firsthand, what a pirate ship was like.

They came to the port and asked one of the crewmen to show them the ship.

"Why of course, me brothers! Come with me." He said in a low, gruff voice.

Each blind pirate came aboard and started to feel their way around, trying to build a picture in thier minds of what the ship might look like.

The first grabbed hold of the mast. He thought to himself "Why, a pirate ship be like a tree! Tall and strong as a wench I once loved..." a tear dripped from the side of his patch and he wiped it away, delicately with his hook.

The second tripped over a bucket and fell onto the floor. Feeling around he said aloud: "Blimey! The pirate ship be like a wall! Only... on the ground..."

The third came upon a rope, coiled on the deck "I'll be... I pirate ship be nothin more than a snake... a dead snake."

The fourth found himself in front of the wheel and ran his fingers through the captain's mighty beard. "Why, the pirate ship be like a beast! Hairy and course like a wench that once loved me." he shuddered at the recollection.

But it was the last pirate who found himself at the captain's table, already set up for the friday meal. Without knowing it, he put both hands into a bowl of fresh spaghetti. "Billions of Blue Blistering Barcacles! The Pirate Ship is Our Noodly Lord!" And hearing His name called out, the Flying Spaghetti Monster cured the old Pirate's blindness and gave him a full beard.

The newly cured pirate then heard arguing from the deck. He returned to see his friends in a vicious argument.

"The pirate ship is like a tree!"

"No! It is like a wall! Only on the ground!"

"Yer both daft! It be like a fuzzy dead snake!"

"Baulderdash it be like Gertrude!"

They all shuddered at the recollection.

Just then, the fifth pirate stepped between his fighting friends and said, in a calm way.

"You all be wrong. The pirate ship is like a ship."

"Ohhhhhh" they said in unison.

And so, the blind pirates ate the blessed Friday meal on the ship with the crew. The recently blessed pirate became Blackbeard, and they all lived noodly ever after.
If I had a strainer
I'd Strain in the Mornin'
I'd Strain in the Evenin'
All over this wooooooorld
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Postby Freak Ash on Sat Sep 10, 2005 12:20 pm

D'y'know, now that I look about for scripture, I come to realise that there are quite a number of people writing various versions of the holy book...

We could really do with organising it into *one* book. So, here is my proposal:

Do you fellows already have this one that you are working on as an actual site yet? If so, you started doing this before I did, which is fair enough, and I will be willing to offer my services. If you don't, I have just started the fledgling 'Holy Parmesaneus', found here:

http://www.holyparmesaneus.freakash.net/

I would be quite willing to change the name to whatever you have settled on, if you prefer, and all your writings can be transcribed onto there.

If you have got your own site, I shall just wipe this one; it wouldn't be a big deal.


Once we have gotten this all unified and straightened out, we need to get word spread across this forum, and do as many Pastafarians as we can, firstly so they know that an official book is being done and don't start yet another one of their own, and also so that they know where to put all their scripture.

Sound like a plan, me hearties?
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Postby Freak Ash on Sat Sep 10, 2005 12:39 pm

Guess I ought to link to my own creative post on this topic:

http://www.venganza.org/forum/viewtopic.php?t=851
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Postby Alchron on Sat Sep 10, 2005 10:03 pm

Auntie Dee Dee wrote: In fact, the only thing that His Noodly Deliciousness does have that will send people to hell is me. I moonlight as an Agent of Satan. (My duties are largely ceremonial.) Specifically, as a Travel Agent of Satan. I tell people where to go, and often, how to get there. (Generally when they peeve me with bad driving.) :mrgreen:

Auntie Dee Dee


Are you a cab-driver? I was just wondering cause you sound like you were describing the taxi driver :wink:
May he bless us all from the tyranny of bad food and awful music

:worship: :fsm: Ramen...
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