The Official Loose Canon Submission Spot

Submit your scriptural writings for inclusion in the Loose Canon, and your tales of ancient FSM Lore, as well as any other FSM-related writing you may have.

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The Official Loose Canon Submission Spot

Postby DaveL on Fri Jun 11, 2010 6:58 am

The Official Loose Canon Submission Spot
by Platypus Enthusiast on Mon May 24, 2010 7:59 am

Ok guys, the First Edition of the Loose Canon is coming out this week, and to make it easier to compile the next edition, I ask that anyone who wants to submit material to please use this thread. I've got a list of the submission threads for the major categories below. If you're submission doesn't fit one the those categories or you don't know where it should go, you can just post it to this thread.

Old Pastament:
Genesis/History viewtopic.php?f=15&t=1159
Law viewtopic.php?f=15&t=11869
Law (The Book of Clarifications) viewtopic.php?f=15&t=11820
Pastalms viewtopic.php?t=1101
ProvHerbs viewtopic.php?t=1100
Misc Artsy Writings viewtopic.php?f=15&t=14783
Prophecy viewtopic.php?f=15&t=11943

New Pastament:
Gospels viewtopic.php?f=15&t=1131
The Acts of the Apastals viewtopic.php?f=15&t=11819
Epastals (Fiction) viewtopic.php?f=15&t=1150
Epastals (Nonfiction) viewtopic.php?f=15&t=11826
Revelations 1 viewtopic.php?f=15&t=1134
Revelations 2 viewtopic.php?f=15&t=11868

Official Prayer Book:
Prayers viewtopic.php?t=1619


Also, a few pointers and thoughts for the next Council of Olive Garden in the off-chance we aren't around for the next edition.

-Several books of the canon are compilations and can/should be added to; The Random Number of Not Commandments, Suggestions, Pastalms, The Book of ProvHerbs, The Acts of the Apastals, Revelations 1: The Book of Revealed Crapola, The Official Pastafarian Prayer Book.

-I personally think the Gospels, Acts, and the Epastals should be mostly nonfiction. So letters to real people, Apastals that aren't just fictional characters, and gospels about a realish messiah (Since we don't have one yet, we decided not to put in any gospels). But I'm no authority, so this trend doesn't have to be continued.

-We decided not to edit anything, except for numbering and formatting issues (consistent font size, font, color) or remove any texts canonized by the First Council. We figure since these are supposed to be divine texts, changing it would go against what the FSM wanted (plus I'm lazy). Again, this was our personal choice and future Councils may differ. However, if texts are changed in the future, it could screw up stuff people had previously quoted. I figure at least you shouldn't take out any texts.

-I chose not to number the prayers cause I think it works better. Like, who quotes a single line of a prayer? But again, I could be wrong.

That's all I can think of now. Have fun guys.
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Re: The Official Loose Canon Submission Spot

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Sat May 07, 2011 11:47 pm

Pastalm XXVI
1 Oh Lord Glob, so many ninjas rise up against us. Many are they that siege our fort.
2 Their agile assassins dodge our arrows. They scale our walls unhindered.
3 Our mightiest berserkers, as insane and as blind to their senses as Thou would have all men, fall by the ninjas’ blades.
4 Thou art too dumb to notice our slaughter. Thou doth not intervene to stop the carnage.
5 And yet, Thou art wise. For Thou hath intelligently created divine agents to do Thy bidding.
6 And so Thy Valkyrie descends from the Heavens upon a winged albatross; she is the beautiful maiden Skuld, protector of battle-weary Vikings.
7 Her golden hair flows dramatically behind her. Her pale blue eyes shine forth from beneath her helm.
8 Swooping down with her pure white steed, she smites ninja after ninja. Her spear drives their warriors from our men.
9 With the angel by my side, I do not fear the ten million murderous barbarians that have set themselves round me.
10 And yet, I lament. Verily, she is a lesser divinity, but she has earned more of my love than the Flying Spaghetti Monster Himself.
11 Will He be jealous and pissy for my idolatry? Must I be struck down for dreaming of a better, ninja-free future?
12 But even worse than the incomprehensible wrath of a drunken, immature, and omnipotent God, is knowing that Skuld the Valkyrie cannot stay with me.
13 She is of the spiritual world, and I, the material. The brief contact we had was simply miraculous.
14 So I must go on alone. I must hold up my own shield against the ninja horde.
15 And yet, why shall I bother worrying? All is His will, and all I can do is go with the flow, like flotsam upon the tide.
Check out an official Pastafarian holy book, the Loose Canon: http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/

"With Him, All Things are Pasta-Bowl."
-ProvHerbs 3:35
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Re: The Official Loose Canon Submission Spot

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Mon May 09, 2011 1:30 am

The Book of Ruthie
Chapter 1
1 Now it came to pass in the days when the captains ruled, that there was a shortage of Spanish galleons to raid. 2 And a certain pirate of Bethlehem went to sojourn in the country of England, he and daughter. 3 And the name of the pirate was Elimelech (Hebrew for ‘Pasta with cream sauce), and the name of his daughter was Naomi. 4 And they came into the country of England, and continued there. 5 But the English were big fans of the Dark Lord Darwin. 6 And Elimelech, Naomi’s father, was strung up for piracy and she was left alone to hide from the King’s men.

Chapter 2
1 And she met a Christian woman, Ruthie, and it was love at first sight. 2 After several dates, Naomi said unto Ruthie, “I am the daughter of a pirate, and if you associate with me the English will hang you along with me. So go, and save yourself.”
3 But Ruth embraced her, saying,
“Do not press me to leave you
or to turn back from following you!
Where you go, I will go;
where you lodge, I will lodge;
your people (pirates) shall be my people (pirates),
and your god my god (as it is cool if you are both Christian and Pastafarian).
4 Where you die, I will die—
there I will be buried.
May the FSM do thus and so to me,
and more as well,
if even death parts me from you!”
5 When Naomi saw that she was determined to go with her, she said no more to her. 6 But still not wanting to dance the hempen jig, they went back to live together in Bethlehem.

Chapter 3
1 Years passed, and one day, Ruthie came home from a day’s work of plundering and she greeted Naomi. 2 And Naomi said unto her, “Call me not Naomi, call me Pissed Off, for our Lord Glob has dealt bitterly with me.”
3 “Why? What happened?” asked Ruthie.
4 “Some people were making fun of us for being gay. And the FSM did nothing to stop their criticism yet again.”
5 And there was thunder and whirling wind, and the FSM did descend from Heaven. 6 “My ears are burning. 7 Really, I overcooked myself. 8 I know, I know, bad joke. 9 Anyway… 10 Heathens!” He boomed, “Gays shall burn on the great stove of Hell for all eternity!” 11 He paused, “Nah, I’m just messing with you. 12 We don’t even have a Hell, much less a great stove. 13 But really, you’re not hurting anyone. 14 You can live your life however the hell you want.”
15 “That’s what we tell people,” said Ruthie, “But we are still condemned.”
16 “Seriously?” inquired the FSM, somewhat puzzled, “If I didn’t want you to be gay I would’ve made you straight. 17 Der.”
18 “I know, but they say homosexuality is a choice,” Naomi added.
19 “Shit, even that argument doesn’t work. 20 I’m totally omnipotent; therefore anything you do is the result of my will. 21 So it is still because of me that you’re gay.”
22 “I dunno, they’re kinda dumb,” replied Ruthie.
23 “Chillax. 24 It’ll all work out in time. 25 And for now, just ignore the stupid ones. 26 They’re stupid,” the FSM said compassionately (cause He’s freaking God, and He’s supposed to be compassionate).
27 And Ruthie and Naomi walked away as the camera panned out. “You know ‘Naomi’ is ‘I moan’ spelled backwards?” Ruthie said.
28 “You totally stole that from Van Wilder,” Naomi replied.
29 And they lived happily ever after.
Check out an official Pastafarian holy book, the Loose Canon: http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/

"With Him, All Things are Pasta-Bowl."
-ProvHerbs 3:35
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Re: The Official Loose Canon Submission Spot

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Mon May 09, 2011 1:39 am

The Wisdom of the Great Pirate Solomon

As transcribed by Aba Sababa

For three years, the Great Pirate Solomon waited for the famed Queen Semolina to come hither, and pay her whole-wheat respects to his Beardliness. The Great Pirate Solomon had grown weary of the tender caresses of his local breast collection. He longed for something exotic, something royal, something with a hint of tarragon, perhaps. Legends abound over the beauty of Queen Semolina, and there have been rumors floating around the court that Jeff the Naked Guy was ordered to don a mask with the Queen’s likeness, that the Great Pirate Solomon might experience but a taste of the pleasures soon to come. Jeff neither confirms nor denies these rumors.
Of course, the real reason that the Great Pirate Solomon wanted to meet Queen Semolina was because he loved fiddles. As the Great Pirate Solomon, he was the mightiest fiddler in the land. The Great Pirate Solomon prided himself on having never lost a fiddle-off. Normally, there would be detractors muttering under their breath that blah, blah, he’s not actually that great and just really murders everyone else who’s better which is why the basilica scene is so beat right now, but these people were recently executed en masse on account of their shitty taste in un-Piratey music, as per royal decree from his Bearded Excellence.
In any case, the Great Pirate Solomon, like all men named Solomon, really wanted to assert his general dominance over the citizens of the world. Word had it that Queen Semolina was a very talented fiddler, and the Great Pirate Solomon itched for a chance to slay her in public and accept his obligatory victor’s blowjob in the city commons.
One day, the Great Pirate Solomon received word that Queen Semolina was indeed coming, and that she was packin’ catgut. The Great Pirate Solomon became very excited. He immediately called the Devil, and they had themselves a horn-tootin’ hootnanny to prepare the Great Pirate Solomon for his Great Pirate Fiddle-Off. The Great Pirate Solomon made sure to inform Jeff the Naked Guy that he would like his pubes shaved precisely a single hour before the arrival of Queen Semolina, for maximum baby-smooth softness. “You can’t appear before your kingdom with hairy balls,” said the Great Pirate Solomon to Jeff, who duly noted the quip in his “For When I Become a Great Pirate” notebook.
The day finally arrived, and all the people gathered from afar to watch the biblical battle between the Great Pirate Solomon and Queen Semolina. The smart money was on the Great Pirate Solomon, but I know a guy who’ll give you excellent odds on Semolina. See me after the story, yeah?
All eyes were on Semolina’s tent as she emerged, tits ablaze. This was one funky mother. “One hundred percent Durum, baby!” she exclaimed. “You ready for this shit, big boy?”
“As ready as I’ll ever be,” replied the Great Pirate Solomon.
“Good. Have at you!”
And off they went. They fiddled for hours. Hours turned into days, and days into weeks. The people were riveted until supper. It turns out there are only so many times you can fucking square dance to fucking fiddle tunes before you want to punch your wife in the jaw. It wasn’t helping that some douchebag cracked one about how we should all put a roof underneath the Great Pirate Solomon and Queen Semolina, and that particular outburst had the whole province in stitches for at least thirty minutes while you could barely even bend down and re-tie your sandals.
But I digress! The Great Pirate Solomon did not intend to lose his first fiddle battle to a woman, no matter how excruciatingly perfect her breasts may have been. And Queen Semolina refused to secede to a man, a pirate, a Great Pirate! especially one that clearly hadn’t showered in a fortnight. So the battle raged on, and on, until one day Jeff the Naked guy dropped dead and the Great Pirate Solomon froze in shock. He had forgotten to turn Jeff off since his last conjugal visit. The Queen Semolina mask was still taped on to his face. The Great Pirate Solomon wept for forty days and forty nights, and we’re not quite sure what the “Jeff is dead” to “I just lost my first fiddle battle” weep ratio was. Queen Semolina promptly returned to her native land to great aplomb, bearing the emasculation and utter defeat of the Great Pirate Solomon.
Check out an official Pastafarian holy book, the Loose Canon: http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/

"With Him, All Things are Pasta-Bowl."
-ProvHerbs 3:35
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Re: The Official Loose Canon Submission Spot

Postby juicegiver on Sun Jul 14, 2013 1:57 am

Hey everybody,

I am very interested in publishing the Loose Canon. I want to publish 35 hard back books that are 4.25 inches wide x 7.00 inches tall but only if I can get the page count to exceed 500 pages.

The problem is very big. Copyright laws do not allow you to print documents without the author's permission. I tried to count and it is clear that the authors of the Loose Canon easily exceed 33 authors. I would need signed statements from all authors claiming ownership of their work. In exchange I would be willing to pay $500 to all the author's combined in exchange for their permission. I would divide that out by how many pages the author's work required versus how many total pages in the loose canon. The payment would probably be miniscule. Is anybody interested in helping me make this happen?

I have already attempted to contact 22 of the authors.

This may take a while but I honestly believe this needs to happen. Even if I don't do it, some company should take this on. It's a treasure chest. Although I don't like to hurt the opportunities of the serious entrepreneur that is why I am only seeking permission to print 35 very high quality books. The real money would be in making this availabe in mass market paperback. I can probably make that a reality too but I would want to wait until I sold all 35 hardback copies first.

Anybody interested in helping me achieve this project? Even if this doesn't work out it would still be very beneficial to have a compilation of all authors legal names, contact information and a statement claiming ownership of the work.

Maybe this is a futile attempt :facewall: but I thought I'd make the offer.

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Re: The Official Loose Canon Submission Spot

Postby juicegiver on Sun Jul 14, 2013 5:31 pm

Statutory Damages

A copyright holder can request statutory damages, which are calculated per work infringed.

In "innocent infringement," the range of statutory damages is $200 to $150,000 per work.

In "willful infringement," the range of statutory damages is $750 to $300,000 per work.

When Statutory Damages Are Not Available

Statutory damages are not available if the work is unpublished and the copyright violation took place before the effective date of registration.

Statutory damages are not available for published works if the copyright violation took place after the first publication and before the effective date of registration.

However, statutory damages are available for published works if the copyright violation took place after the first publication and the registration is made three months after publication.

Criminal Penalties

If a violator is found guilty, there is a fine of up to $500,000 or imprisonment of up to five years for a first offense.

For subsequent offenses, there is a fine of up to $1 million or imprisonment of up to 10 years.


Source: http://www.ehow.com/facts_4810511_punis ... z2Z3cUjwLU

It's a pretty serious thing to print someone's work without permission even if no profit is sought. That's probably why you haven't seen the Loose Canon in print yet and it only appears online. It's very unfortunate but the law is the law. It really isn't worth the risk to find out if it will be enforced for your particular situation. $500,000 and a criminal record aren't really worth it just to get a cool copy of the Loose Canon. I want to do this the right way. There is nothing wrong with that.
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Re: The Official Loose Canon Submission Spot

Postby pieces o'nine on Sun Jul 14, 2013 5:39 pm

Best wishes with your endeavor.

It's also quite OK to keep the Loose Canon(s) as an unofficial pdf document, created by a loose confederation of more-or-less like-minded individuals, purely for fun.
I will honor Monkey in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.
~Charles "Darwin" Dickens
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Re: The Official Loose Canon Submission Spot

Postby juicegiver on Sun Jul 14, 2013 7:53 pm

pieces o'nine wrote:Best wishes with your endeavor.

It's also quite OK to keep the Loose Canon(s) as an unofficial pdf document, created by a loose confederation of more-or-less like-minded individuals, purely for fun.


That might be the only option but I'm still going to try. It would tickle my meatballs to see this book in print. Christians easily drop $50-$100 for a good quality book of their holy text. In some instances people are willing to pay $100,000+ for very old Bibles in print.

In my life experience almost every child covets their own Bible at some point in their childhood. I do not see why our Holy Text must only appear in impersonal and inauthentic form. This may be pleasing to our noodley lord to leave everything online because it protects Him from accusations of exploiting the sheeple for their money but it doesn't set well with me. I would like to see our religion strive for authenticity rather than being subject to extinction when computer nerds leave to explore a new fad. This text increases it's chances of survival when it makes it to print.

juicegiver



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Re: The Official Loose Canon Submission Spot

Postby Rev. Rowan Redbeard on Sun Jul 14, 2013 8:05 pm

I would suggest going with print-on-demand publishing. People order a book, it gets printed and shipped, no big payment for thousands of books, no massive inventory, no trying to convince publishers its worth having them take on.

The problem, however, is that Bobby owns the rights to the FSM. He has been kind enough to permit us to create and freely distribute the Gospel, but as soon as money changes hands, I think he'd step in. So not only would you need to get releases and possibly arrangements for royalties from every author, you'd need to get Bobby to get on board as well.
—Captain the Reverend Lord C.S. Rowan, Lord of Glencoe, Minister of Pastafarianism, Gentleman Pirate

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Re: The Official Loose Canon Submission Spot

Postby Almighty Doer of Stuff on Sun Jul 14, 2013 9:37 pm

As I said in the other thread, Auntie Dee Dee is dead and cannot grant permission for you to sell her work. I also do NOT give you permission to sell my epastle for profit, much less giving me a paltry dollar as compensation as you mentioned in your PM to me.

A print-on-demand system would be fine probably, as long as absolutely no profit is gained by anyone except maybe a little for the printing service I suppose. But that's only a maybe.

Also, I want to warn you not to compile your own Second Edition. The Council of Olive Garden is working on it, so be patient.
!!!@#@#@#@#@!!! CAUTION: THIS PERSON DOES NOT KNOW WHAT HE IS TALKING ABOUT. DISREGARD ANY APPEALS TO AUTHORITY, EXPERIENCE, OR ROMANTIC PROWESS. ANY CORRECT INFORMATION YOU RECEIVE FROM THIS MAN IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL. !!!@#@#@#@#@!!!
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-------------------------------
Download The Loose Canon, a deliciously holy book compiled by members of Our Noodly Lord's congregation!
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Re: The Official Loose Canon Submission Spot

Postby juicegiver on Sun Jul 14, 2013 10:47 pm

The owner is the author not Bobby Henderson. I'm still going to try to get this book in print without breaking any laws. Your words of discouragement does hurt my feelings but it doesn't change my inclination to make this happen. There are people that would love to get their hands on a wonderful book like this. It needs to happen whether I do it or somebody else does it. I apologize if your work isn't worth $50,000. Even if it was, I don't have $50,000. There are billions of books in existence. Making a profit off of books isn't very likely. Even if a person finds a book they like, they can always wait six months and buy a used copy

I am proposing to print 35 copies. I am not stupid enough to believe that I am going to become a millionaire.

This needs to happen even if 10 people disagree with me. I firmly believe this needs to happen and no, I don't have any proof.

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Re: The Official Loose Canon Submission Spot

Postby juicegiver on Sun Jul 14, 2013 10:57 pm

Rev. Rowan Redbeard wrote:I would suggest going with print-on-demand publishing. People order a book, it gets printed and shipped, no big payment for thousands of books, no massive inventory, no trying to convince publishers its worth having them take on.


Yeah. I've done that with my book. It costed $0.00 but it was a book that I wrote. I could have one copy of the loose canon printed in 3 days and shipped to my house. I could use it for my own personal use. This would require me to claim ownership of the work. I could do that and probably get away with it.

Copyrighting usually isn't something that is enforced but how am I supposed to know which one of the authors is going to be a Loose Canon (pun intended) and nail me to the wall? I am being careful about this. Copyrighting is a very serious matter. I'm not taking any chances.

I'm sure that doesn't make any sense since none of you have even considered taking the risk yourself. My goal isn't to get you to understand. My goal is to publish 35 high quality hard back books of the Loose Canon. If half of it isn't included, that's fine.

juicegiver
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Re: The Official Loose Canon Submission Spot

Postby Rev. Rowan Redbeard on Sun Jul 14, 2013 11:00 pm

Bobby Henderson owns the rights to the FSM, not the Loose Canon. However, since the Loose Canon is about the FSM, you must have Bobby's permission to publish it, just as you need the permission of the authors.

And as one of the cover artists, I do not give you permission to use the existing cover art.

If you want to print a copy for yourself, fine. You want to print up a few to give as gifts, fine. But the minute money is charged for a book, or the book is mass produced in any way, you are breaking the law, unless or until such time as all contributors and copyright shoulders have given explicit written permission.
—Captain the Reverend Lord C.S. Rowan, Lord of Glencoe, Minister of Pastafarianism, Gentleman Pirate

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Re: The Official Loose Canon Submission Spot

Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Sun Jul 14, 2013 11:27 pm

Rev. Rowan Redbeard wrote:But the minute money is charged for a book, or the book is mass produced in any way, you are breaking the law, unless or until such time as all contributors and copyright shoulders have given explicit written permission.


Yeah, the spirit of the Loose Canon is to be not for profit, and even more than that not really to be sold (if even only to cover the cost of production). It's religious scripture, the value is in the words, not the leather-bound copy, and you can get the words just fine in your own printed and bound copied, or online.

If you'd like yourself and others to have nicely produced copies, I figure the only kosher way to do that would be to just figure out how one might do it themselves with a reasonable expenditure of time/resources, then let people know about that so they can do it themselves if they elect to.
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Re: The Official Loose Canon Submission Spot

Postby juicegiver on Sun Jul 14, 2013 11:33 pm

Rev. Rowan Redbeard wrote:But the minute money is charged for a book, or the book is mass produced in any way, you are breaking the law,


Not true. I'd still be breaking the law whether I intend to make a profit or not.

You can't print someone else's work without their permission. There a few exceptions.

On a somewhat related topic: Bobby Henderson can't own the Flying Spaghetti Monster. It is an idea. Ideas are not protected under copyright.

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