The Book of Freak

Submit your scriptural writings for inclusion in the Loose Canon, and your tales of ancient FSM Lore, as well as any other FSM-related writing you may have.

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The Book of Freak

Postby Freak Ash on Thu Sep 22, 2005 3:03 pm

Actually, I'm calling this book 'Chronicles', unless DD and others have any other thoughts on that matter. Open to criticism, suggestion and all.
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Postby Freak Ash on Thu Sep 22, 2005 3:08 pm

Advent Of The Flying Spaghetti Monster
In the Beginning, way back, before the creation of the first Midgit in Full Pirate Regalia, there was the Primordial Soup, and this was existence. And for a time did the Soup sit there, and slowly did it fester, and from the Soup grew the Primordial Noodles. And for a time did the Noodles sit there, and slowly did they fester, and from the Noodles grew the Meatballs and Marinara Sauce, and it became the Primordial Spaghetti. And lo, our Lord flew forth from where he had been hanging around all this Time, and he said unto the universe in general 'Yea, alrighty then, I quite liketh this form, and shall take it to be My Own'. And so He came unto the universe as the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Our Lord Discovers The Primordial Spaghetti To Be A Lonely Place Indeed (possibly, In The Primordial Spaghetti, No One Can Hear You Sing)
And He sang His joys unto all existence, proclaiming 'Verily! Is my form not pleasing unto thou all?' But only silence greeted He Who Is High In Starch And Protein, for there was nothing yet around but Him and the Primordial Spaghetti, and half of that was gone unto His Form. So, in thinking 'Buggerations' to this predicament, Our Lord And Pasta chose to create the world, and people in it who could praise His Noodly Might.

Our Lord Creates The Mountain, Trees And Midget
So He made first a mountain, and it was The Mountain. And then He made some trees, and they were The Trees. And then He made as the first man a Midget in Full Pirate Regalia, saying 'One day, foolish people will try to teach what is clearly religion in the Classes of Science, but I shall reveal My Work to the chosen, and they shall call themselves Pastarafians, and shall use this blatantly silly concept to mock these religious radicals.' And Our Sauciness nodded in appreciation of His own wisdom and forward thinking.

The First Days Of The Midget Are Joyous
Then the Midget looked upon His Creator, and said 'Yes, that is a most tasty vision', and there was much rejoicing. And they both danced for thirty-seven days and thirty-six nights, and rested on the thirty-seventh night, for the Midget was just a tad tired. Upon waking, he was to discover that Our Parmesan-Topped Creator had created more like him, and for many years did they live upon The Mountain, and their tales are recounted by the most holy Dave L.
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Postby Freak Ash on Thu Sep 22, 2005 3:10 pm

More to come, on the events from then to now.

However, I'm stuck on how man is created, and think this is a serious consideration anyway, as this is *the* bit; the alternative to ID and evolution.

So, brainstorming would be good; how and why should men be created? We've talked on another place about making FSM Unintelligent or Accidental Design; I think this should be the case, but what should be the circumstances? Buggered if I know.
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Postby Freak Ash on Thu Sep 22, 2005 3:37 pm

And apologies to Solipsy for starting my own thread; I should have read the rules (especially on the subject I'm meant to be transcribing all the work for).

Still, at least, with my own work, I'll know whose it is and where it belongs...

But don't follow my example children. I am a bad, naughty man.
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....

Postby Solipsy on Thu Sep 22, 2005 4:20 pm

goofy thoughts on the creation of humans... the midgits/midgets might be just a tad too short to be pleasingly caressed by his Noodly Appendages? That seems random and silly. *shrugs* Perhaps Our Revered Delicious One was bored that the midget/midgits seemed to be just too darned reverent, like the angels, and thought it would be more fun to kick back and see what happened if he added some randomness to the mix, hence humankind? Giving them free will, however, unleashed a little more than he bargained for? And He is dismayed, but we are, after all, his Creatures, so he figured he would keep the Moral Standards Flimsy and make a Beer Volcano and Stripper Factory for us, along with pasta restaurants at every corner in the afterlife? Those among the humans who tried their level best not to inflict harm upon others go to heaven as happy customers, and those who created chaos or went about judging and condemning go to heaven as servers, and are limited to diet sodas and canned pasta products, as has been suggested elsewhere on the boards <---- I thought that was funny, and not too "hellish." I don't like too much hell. They still get time off, fair working conditions, all that, unless they were Hitlers, Stalins, KKK members (you get the idea...) in which case they wash the dishes and empty the dumpsters and work 36-hour shifts with 2 hours off in between, and the plates and beer mugs are handed to them through a little hole, and they don't get to interact with anyone, ever, and they have to drink scortched coffee and eat what they are lucky enough to scrape off the plates. just some thoughts...
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Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Thu Sep 22, 2005 8:55 pm

i got it. he the first Midget died (possibly from a midgit), and so our noodly lord had to create heaven. but at the same time, someone needed to make fun of the midget/midgits. and thus entered humans, whom had to have free will or else their jokes would get stale with utmost speed.

RAmen.

(hope DaveL sees this.)
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Postby Freak Ash on Fri Sep 23, 2005 4:47 am

I like that stuff about heaven, Solipsy.

I still think we need an accidental occurence for the creation of men, though.
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Postby DaveL on Fri Sep 23, 2005 6:04 am

i got it. he the first Midget died (possibly from a midgit), and so our noodly lord had to create heaven.


Arrr...just wait until the next installment, for every saga needs blood letting, including the Midgets/Midgits. I've assumed them immortal similar to Tolkein, so the concept of heaven might be worth a mention following a few battles.

but at the same time, someone needed to make fun of the midget/midgits.


The FSM was generally quite good at this, although got a bit bored with it after a few thousand years. There are only so many politically incorrect jokes a super being can manage after all.

and thus entered humans, whom had to have free will or else their jokes would get stale with utmost speed.


Good point, humans v migets/midgits. Well the elves and dwarves didn't get on in Lord of the Rings, so my bet is the humans may have tried to emulate the FSM capacity for joke making by continuing the onslaught.

After a few thousand years of enduring bad jokes from a superbeing, the Midgets/Midgets were made of pretty tough stuff. The humans failed dismally, and in fact the midgets/midgets turned the tables, telling extremely wicked tall person jokes. The Midgets/Midgits are most feisty when it comes to the art of verbal abuse and putdowns...humans beware.
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Postby Solipsy on Thu Nov 17, 2005 10:46 pm

And so it came to pass that the copying and the pasting of the posting of the writing, as it did appear thus far in this thread, was done. And the FSM looked down, and His Great Noodly Appendages did quiver with saucy delight. And he did proclaimeth: "Cool. So Far, So Good." Thus spake Our Lord in Marinara.

It was proclaimed throughout that Boards of His Holy Discussion that the Divinely Inspired Writing should not cease, but rather should continue, for to Him, it is most pleasing. And yea, His humble galleyscribe Solipsy did toss and turn upon the seas of the keyboard at all unreasonable hours, and did gather the writings of the inspired, and did organize them and nit-pick them, but not without permission, and did seek to credit them, and will be in touch with the writers of them if any questions ariseth, and doth encourage said writers for to do the same.

Thus did the proclamation end.
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