Book 4: Of Blood Letting, Unification and Big People: â€˜Poot up yuoor meets doode-a. Lets get it oon.â€™
Following the creation of two kingdoms, there was a period of greatness ascribed to the Midgits of Noodelium. For their access to beachside property and seafaring made the Midgits extremely profitable little dudes. And thus they did build great ships and set forth across the lands of Noodle Earth. And their prize trade possession was Olive Oil and an ever expanding range of pasta sauces. And they did surpass the Midgets of Bobby Mountain in greatness, who clung to their traditional agrarian ways, seeking salvation through deeds pleasing the Great Noodly One.
And entrepreneurial Midgit leader Caxton did thus become rich and powerful. His images were splashed across many tabloid glossy magazines and entertainment gossip programs (â€˜Midgitainement Tonightâ€™). And the Noodleium tabloids did thus gossip wickedly about Caxtonâ€™s love life, after hours activity and cameo sitcom appearances.
Caxton did thus employ many flimsy moral standards for he was a seething mass of testosterone. And this did greatly impress the FSM who would bellow from the cosmos â€œWay to go little buddyâ€ following Caxtonâ€™s successful nights out.
For Caxton so loved the lime-light and conquests of both social and other varieties. During a red carpet special interview with bubbly blond entertainment reporter, Caxton did thus issue a conquest proclamation of a different kind, shocking Egbert and the Midgets of Bobby Mountain.
â€˜Meedgets ooff Bubby Muoonteeen. Zee huly lunds cunteenooe-a tu wane-a under yuoor cuntrul. Geefe-a zeem tu me-a, und I veell cere-a fur but yuoo und Bubby Muoonteeen. Bork Bork Bork!â€™
Which roughly translates to Give me your land baldies, or else. Bork Bork Bork!
Caxton did thus wish Bobby Mountain to become a part of the Kingdom of Noodelium. And he announced no more cameo TV appearances, for he was off to war.
I veell be-a pustpuneeng my cemeu oon 'Eferyune-a Lufes Raymond' tu cunqooer zee Huly Lund.
At first the FSM thought all this was hilarious, and was very excited about seeing his beloved subjects going â€˜toe to toeâ€™. However, the FSM did not approve of holy killing as a means of reaching the beer volcano and stripper factory. He therefore boomed forth a proclamation to all the little folk:
â€œLoyal subjects. The concept of holy war and wasting peoples lives in my name is a major bummer. I will not allow it. You must therefore resolve your differences by my way of choosing. I therefore decree that you shall resolve the issue in a series of televised taunting and verbal slanging matches.â€™
And thus a series of debates, with much haranguing and name calling was held. And the results were decided by phone-in poll, to be announced painfully slowly, following many commercial breaks, by The Great Noodly One.
Well prepared for the bald jokes, the Midgets did thus mercilessly hammer the Midgits, scoring many fine hits on the fascile Caxton and his dandies. Things got really ugly when Egbert produced Caxton rumours and gossip even the tabloids had overlooked.
And the FSM did thus snicker and chuckle at the sharp-witted gags of the Midgets, for it was extremely entertaining to him.
The phone poll did thus proclaim, following many commercial breaks, The Midgets unanimous winners. Then, following the verdict, The FSM did thus issue the following order:
"Look guys. My intention was for you to live harmoniously, but for the odd cruel put down to keep me amused. I have erred by my lack of intervention, be it partly my fault, for I was bored desiring entertainment. In all our folly, I have decided I will create a third race of people, to keep you both in check. And they shall be large and capable of telling many politically incorrect jokes about thee. There shall be no more talk of conquering the Holy Mountain. For it is a place sacred to all Pastafarians."
And thus with a shudder of his noodles and rolling of his googly eyes the FSM sent forth the Big People into the world. And their first words in praise of their noodly master was:
"Shiver me timbers. Oimâ€™ off ta' collect some pieces of eight.â€
And they were given the gift of politically incorrect putdown. And their maritime, rum drinking and bird handling skills were unsurpassed.
Here endeth the Fourth Book