The Book of Midget

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The Book of Midget

Postby DaveL on Wed Sep 21, 2005 1:30 am

Pastafarians,

I'll post this as a seperate scripture item, as this will be written as an epic of Biblical Midget Proportions. Here is Part 1, with Parts 2 and 3 to follow shortly.

Cheers Dave

THE BOOK OF MIDGETS/MIDGITS

Part 1. The Curse of The Bald Midget

In the days when the Flying Spaghetti Monster combed the Bobby mountain, he looked upon the Earth and saw that the land was devoid of chosen subjects. In his awesome noodly hugeness, The FSM cast his noodly appendage forth over the Bobby mountain and said with a noodly growl,

"Send forth my beloved subjects! 'Be they small and capable of head butting tall people in the groin' 'Let they be capable of acting as mobile beer holders' 'Let they be cute and cuddly' and 'Let they be they capable of riding many a good winner at the races'. "

And into the world the Midgets did come. For they were indeed extremely cute and cuddly. The bald midgets were sometimes confused by the FSM with sticks of roll on deoderant. This amused the FSM greatly who named the bald midgets 'The Rexona' or ' The Rexonii' (plural). But extremely cute and cuddly they were.

In the early days the midgets grew much Basil and Herbs. And in the absence of protein in the diet, they did not grow tall. And the leader of their tribe was Egbert. For he was so loved by the FSM for his baldness, that he was spared from further midget gags as an act of charity.

Then one day following the Basil harvest, Egbert and the tribe grew restless and longed for the addition of minced beef in their pasta penne. But Egbert knew additional protein may force him to grow tall, thereby forefeiting his venerable midgetness. This would also forfeit his right to receive kids portion meals at McDonalds, which was a real bummer.

And the FSM did appear unto Egbert and the midget tribe and spoke.

"Look guys, I'm really sorry for the really bad midget gags at your expense. But it's really boring being a supreme being sometimes."

And the midgets did cheer sending forth high fives all round with their pudgy fingers and hands.

"As a sign of my good measure I will allow you to add ground beef, provided you maintain a balanced diet and don't grow tall."

And the midgets did but hoop and holler in their tiny little voices singing Randy Newman songs in his honour (you can guess which one).

"Praised be unto His Noodly Appendages" they cried with their helium filled voices.

And in a bid to overcome their protein deficiency, the midgets set forth to slaughter everything that moved on the face of the earth. For they did slaughter the armadillo, the antelope, the aardvaak and all other animals between the letters A-Z. And Egbert did thus say:

Doode-a, keelling ell thuse-a creetoores soore-a beets zee hell oooot ooff grooeeng beseel und herbs.'

And there was great noodly happiness on the slopes of Bobby Mountain.

For theirs was the kingdom of protein!!
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Postby DaveL on Wed Sep 21, 2005 8:13 am

Part 2: The Great Boredom Incantation and the Coming of the Midgits

Following the great Midget reconciliation, the FSM did but enter a great period of self satisfaction. For his subjects were omnivorous and yet retained their venerable Midgetness. And in the great void feeling pretty damn pleased with himself, he put his many tentacles upon his great celestial recliner rocker and mellowed right out.

But following many years of relaxation, the Great Noodly One did become very bored. Despite the presence of his beloved Midgets he was very much alone. Being the only supreme being, there was little or no chance of him meeting an FSM babe for a bit of red hot action. And absolutely no chance of him hoisting the ‘if the Universe is rockin’, don’t come a knockin’ sign on his celestial door.

And in his solitude, the FSM did begin the Great Boredom Incantation, that boomed across the sky and shook the little folk from their midget high chairs.

‘I’m bored…
I’m really bored…
I’m really really bored…
I’m really really, really bored

(you’ll get the hang of it after about 100 reallys)

I’m so bored I find watching Bold and The Beautiful an absolute blast
I’m so bored I find watching Oprah the highlight of my day
I’m so bored I find Bill O’Reilly almost comical
I’m so bored I find ‘Alexander’ an absolute ripper of a film


Then following the citing of several more thousand bad moments in TV and cinema, the FSM did thus end The Great Boredom Incantation.

Sad for their Master, Egbert ordered the Midgets to try really damned hard to cheer FSM up. They dressed up in cute little outfits - Ewoks, Munchkins and assorted furry animals. They even sung cute little pantomine songs from Snow White, but the FSM was unmoved. Egbert in his adoration for the FSM raised his pudgy little arms to the sky and screamed:

‘Hey Greet Speghettee Doode-a. Vhy ere-a yuoo su sed? Bork Bork Bork! ’

The FSM replied in perfect Ivy League Midgetese:

‘Egbert, the midgets are my most blessed subjects. You have brought me great piles of basil and herbs. You have let me dish out many bad midget jokes at your expense. For you have remained my most venerable subjects, despite the culling many endangered species to eat with your penne pasta.’

And Egbert did reply:

‘Nu prublems yuoor vursheep. Fur ve-a ere-a hunuoored thet yuoo ere-a oooor Greet Mester. ’

And the FSM replied with very plummy Midget intonations:

‘Midgets, while I get a huge belly laugh paying out on you with bad jokes, there is room for more like you in the lands of Noodle Earth. While you are great in many ways, it should be pointed out that you are not perfect. In fact many of you are bald. In that regards I have decided to create a new race of littlies called the ‘Midgits’. They will be improvements of great magnitude, similar to Windows 98 to Windows 2000. And yes they will all have hair.’

And the FSM closed his googly eye stalks, and into the world did the Midgits pass. And the Midgets were both happy but jealous. This was mainly due to the improved hair lines of their cousins.

And much resentment was forthcoming from the little bald dudes.

Here endeth the second book.
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.........

Postby Solipsy on Wed Sep 21, 2005 5:47 pm

And so it came to pass that the copying and the pasting of the posting of the writing, as it did appear thus far in this thread, was done. And the FSM looked down, and His Great Noodly Appendages did quiver with saucy delight. And he did proclaimeth: "Cool. So Far, So Good." Thus spake Our Lord in Marinara.

It was proclaimed throughout that Boards of His Holy Discussion that the Divinely Inspired Writing should not cease, but rather should continue, for to Him, it is most pleasing. And yea, His humble galleyscribe Solipsy did toss and turn upon the seas of the keyboard at all unreasonable hours, and did gather the writings of the inspired, and did organize them and nit-pick them, but not without permission, and did seek to credit them, and will be in touch with the writers of them if any questions ariseth, and doth encourage said writers for to do the same.

Thus did the proclamation end.
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Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Wed Sep 21, 2005 6:11 pm

i ceritanly hope ye don't mean yer done C/Ving, I've still got more crap to write!
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Postby DaveL on Wed Sep 21, 2005 6:41 pm

Sounds Good Solipsy, you've inspired us gal!

I've created a monster (flying spaghetti variety of course), so the copying to a new thread must be done in his holy name. It must be seen for all to behold.

There are more chapters to come, so I'll need to try and keep this stuff together. For it will be lost amongst all the holy writings - a bit like another holy book many of us used to read.

Unravelling the midget (or midgit) folklore was a request of the Great Noodly One during his revelations to me.

Feel free to add to the Great Boredom Incantation or anything relevant to the first two books. I'll will have to ponder the direction of Book 3 and will ask the Noodly one for guidance.

Ciao, :fsm_yarr:

You're doing a great job BTW!

Dave
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Postby DaveL on Thu Sep 22, 2005 6:25 pm

Book 3 The Great Midgit Exodus: Guudbye-a Beld Oones

This book recounts the issues leading to the Great Conflict between the FSM’s little folk.

Following the FSM’s Great Boredom Incantation, the Midgits did pass into the lands of Noodle Earth. For they also did dwell upon Bobby Mountain as but guest folk of Egbert and The Midget people. For the Midgit hordes while declaring Bobby Mountain a most venerable place of both historic and spiritual importance were really damn sick of paying rent. It was time for them to dwell in their own lands, grind their own pasta, and develop their own range of exotic sauces.

The FSM like Bill Gates never fully revealed the flaw or traits engrained in his upgraded creations. The Midgits unlike the Midgets were blessed with great mounds of hair on both head and chest. For this was most advantageous for the he-midgits, who found picking up she-midgets a breeze, provided gold chainage and open chested lurid shirts were worn. The she-midgits were also given hairy chests, which provided the FSM with a few more thousand gags, breaking him new ground on the Celestial stand-up comedy circuit.

The extra hair also gave the local Bobby Mountain depilatory and wig economies a real boost. The Midgits were great refiners of the arts and cultural activities, while the Midgets possessed greater farming and hunting skills. While Midgets were the providers of many pasta ingredients, the Midgits did refine and enhance the many pasta dishes of the day.

However, the Midgets did get most peed off with the Midgits. For they spoke with much profanity and were culturally insensitive, speaking poor Midgetese. For example The Midget Greeting “Hey-a leetle freend-aâ€￾was thus sullied by the Midgits with “Heya dudesterâ€￾.

And Egbert also complained to the FSM that the Midgits were favoured in the arts of being cute and cuddly, jockeying and advanced Italian cooking class.

The Midgits too had grown tired of their fellow Midgets, whom they deemed simple unrefined folk, content only with pleasing The Great Noodly One.

The FSM thought all of this was absolutely hilarious! He was now perpetually amused by the cultural differences between the two little folk.

“Why interveneâ€￾ he thought. "This is just too damn funny. My long boredom has now ended. They can just duke it out.â€￾

And following the FSM’s non-interventionist policy, Mini-me did thus issue a proclamation to the Midgits:

"Leestee here-a Meedgits ve-a vere-a here-a furst und qooeete-a frunkly ve-a ere-a pretty demned fed up veet yuoo beeeng here-a. Yuoo ere-a nut trooe-a representeshuns ooff zee Greet Nuudly Oone-a. Yuoo ere-a boot un upgrede-a veet mure-a heur und inhunced cooltoorel felooes. Gu feend yuoor oovn lunds. "

Which roughly translates ‘Love your hair and cooking skills, but clear off we were here first.’

And in reply the Great Midgit wrestler and leader of his people Caxton did thus reply in a well rounded Midgit banter:

Thunkyuoo su mooch fur zee cuukeeng ingredeeents, lufely yuoong ledeees und cuukeeng ingredeeents. Boot ve-a ere-a ooffff tu feend oooorslfes a noo ebude-a. Which roughly translates to ‘See ya round baldies!’

The FSM saddened by the impending departure of Midgits from Bobby Mountain decided to accommodate them in an intelligently designed new land. For while the Midgets were mountain dwelling folk, the coastal lands were uninhabited, and thoughts of marinara and other sea food pasta dishes did thus please him.

And thus the Midgits prepared to leave Bobby Mountain. And they did prey to the Great Noodly One for safe deliverance to a new land. And they did prey for a land much basil, herbs and parmesan to supplement their ever expanding supply of exotic sauces.

And with much trembling from his Great Noodly Appendages, the FSM did this transport the entire Midgit population to a great coastal plain. And the Midgit Kingdom was named ‘Noodelium’ to honour his divine relocation and cancellation of the Bobby Mountain tenancy agreement.

And Caxton was named their great leader. And a feeling similar to when your ‘flat mate from hell’ moves out had erupted in both camps. And there was great happiness for years to come in both Kingsdoms.

Here Endeth the Third Book
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Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Thu Sep 22, 2005 7:12 pm

arr. but what about pygme midgets?
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Postby DaveL on Sun Sep 25, 2005 12:29 am

Book 4: Of Blood Letting, Unification and Big People: ‘Poot up yuoor meets doode-a. Lets get it oon.’

Following the creation of two kingdoms, there was a period of greatness ascribed to the Midgits of Noodelium. For their access to beachside property and seafaring made the Midgits extremely profitable little dudes. And thus they did build great ships and set forth across the lands of Noodle Earth. And their prize trade possession was Olive Oil and an ever expanding range of pasta sauces. And they did surpass the Midgets of Bobby Mountain in greatness, who clung to their traditional agrarian ways, seeking salvation through deeds pleasing the Great Noodly One.

And entrepreneurial Midgit leader Caxton did thus become rich and powerful. His images were splashed across many tabloid glossy magazines and entertainment gossip programs (‘Midgitainement Tonight’). And the Noodleium tabloids did thus gossip wickedly about Caxton’s love life, after hours activity and cameo sitcom appearances.

Caxton did thus employ many flimsy moral standards for he was a seething mass of testosterone. And this did greatly impress the FSM who would bellow from the cosmos “Way to go little buddyâ€￾ following Caxton’s successful nights out.

For Caxton so loved the lime-light and conquests of both social and other varieties. During a red carpet special interview with bubbly blond entertainment reporter, Caxton did thus issue a conquest proclamation of a different kind, shocking Egbert and the Midgets of Bobby Mountain.

‘Meedgets ooff Bubby Muoonteeen. Zee huly lunds cunteenooe-a tu wane-a under yuoor cuntrul. Geefe-a zeem tu me-a, und I veell cere-a fur but yuoo und Bubby Muoonteeen. Bork Bork Bork!’

Which roughly translates to Give me your land baldies, or else. Bork Bork Bork!

Caxton did thus wish Bobby Mountain to become a part of the Kingdom of Noodelium. And he announced no more cameo TV appearances, for he was off to war.

I veell be-a pustpuneeng my cemeu oon 'Eferyune-a Lufes Raymond' tu cunqooer zee Huly Lund.

At first the FSM thought all this was hilarious, and was very excited about seeing his beloved subjects going ‘toe to toe’. However, the FSM did not approve of holy killing as a means of reaching the beer volcano and stripper factory. He therefore boomed forth a proclamation to all the little folk:

“Loyal subjects. The concept of holy war and wasting peoples lives in my name is a major bummer. I will not allow it. You must therefore resolve your differences by my way of choosing. I therefore decree that you shall resolve the issue in a series of televised taunting and verbal slanging matches.’

And thus a series of debates, with much haranguing and name calling was held. And the results were decided by phone-in poll, to be announced painfully slowly, following many commercial breaks, by The Great Noodly One.

Well prepared for the bald jokes, the Midgets did thus mercilessly hammer the Midgits, scoring many fine hits on the fascile Caxton and his dandies. Things got really ugly when Egbert produced Caxton rumours and gossip even the tabloids had overlooked.

And the FSM did thus snicker and chuckle at the sharp-witted gags of the Midgets, for it was extremely entertaining to him.

The phone poll did thus proclaim, following many commercial breaks, The Midgets unanimous winners. Then, following the verdict, The FSM did thus issue the following order:

"Look guys. My intention was for you to live harmoniously, but for the odd cruel put down to keep me amused. I have erred by my lack of intervention, be it partly my fault, for I was bored desiring entertainment. In all our folly, I have decided I will create a third race of people, to keep you both in check. And they shall be large and capable of telling many politically incorrect jokes about thee. There shall be no more talk of conquering the Holy Mountain. For it is a place sacred to all Pastafarians."

And thus with a shudder of his noodles and rolling of his googly eyes the FSM sent forth the Big People into the world. And their first words in praise of their noodly master was:

"Shiver me timbers. Oim’ off ta' collect some pieces of eight.â€￾

And they were given the gift of politically incorrect putdown. And their maritime, rum drinking and bird handling skills were unsurpassed.

Here endeth the Fourth Book
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...........

Postby Solipsy on Sun Sep 25, 2005 1:26 am

And so it came to pass that the copying and the pasting of the posting of the writing, as it did appear thus far in this thread, was done. And the FSM looked down, and His Great Noodly Appendages did quiver with saucy delight. And he did proclaimeth: "Cool. So Far, So Good." Thus spake Our Lord in Marinara.

It was proclaimed throughout that Boards of His Holy Discussion that the Divinely Inspired Writing should not cease, but rather should continue, for to Him, it is most pleasing. And yea, His humble galleyscribe Solipsy did toss and turn upon the seas of the keyboard at all unreasonable hours, and did gather the writings of the inspired, and did organize them and nit-pick them, but not without permission, and did seek to credit them, and will be in touch with the writers of them if any questions ariseth, and doth encourage said writers for to do the same.

(also, the revision was captured as well, and this is some funny sh*t. Did I say that? I must have been divinely inspired)

Thus did the proclamation end.
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Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Sun Sep 25, 2005 8:20 am

no offense, but im just wondering, why do you keep making those proclimations Solisphy?
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....

Postby Solipsy on Sun Sep 25, 2005 12:42 pm

Dear Just Qwerty,

These posts are markers, for myself especially, but for others working on the Holy Texts, to let them know to what point the writings have been gathered for compilation into larger, coherent Holy-book format. For instance, if Fearsome Pirate Pete is included, he will be included under HISTORY.

I know you intend to send a cleaned-up, numbered copy, but I have to track total volume of what is appearing as HISTORY writing in the threads, so I have to copy-paste it into a private folder, so we know how things are coming together... especially because people chose to start their own threads. *ahem.
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Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Sun Sep 25, 2005 1:41 pm

SOREEE!

as i said, the thread is really just for experimentaion and feedback.
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Postby DaveL on Mon Oct 03, 2005 6:15 pm

Ok Guys here it is...

Book 5: The Final Decree: Say Ahoy Me Harties not Bork, Bork, Bork

For thus it came to pass The Great Noodly One did much letting the air out the proverbial Midget/Midgit tyres by inventing a third race of people. For the Midgets and Midgits were yea verily ‘full-of-it’ ego wise, following much favouritism from his holiness. For they were like Tinkerbell, Paris Hilton’s small dog: the Chihuahua that had everything.

And he did thus give the Big People many gifts, espoused in the ways of Pirates and Lumberjacks. And the FSM, sick of telling little people gags, did gift the Big Ones with many politically incorrect ways. For the likeable roguish spirit of the FSM, the creator of the Beer Volcano and Strippers was thus embodied in these likeable rogues.

The Big people did thus inhabit near the Midgit and Midget realms of Noodelium and Bobby Mountain. The Big People bordering Noodelium in particular did inhabit many ways of the Pirate. And their attempts to master the language of the Midgits were an utter failure. For they felt the use of the phrase ‘Bork, Bork, Bork’ was an utter bummer. And they did thus develop the use of Piratese as their official language. And the Midgits used their galleons as vessels of transport their tremendously large range of pasta sauces and ingredients across Noodle Earth. And other prophets of the Great Noodly One will recount their tales.

Whilst on Bobby Mountain, the Big People did thus use their roguish spirit to cut the sacred trees of Bobby Mountain. And despite the Midgets clear opposition to such a practice, the FSM found the logrolling contests a welcome relief from the dwarf wrestling contests. And thus the Lumberjacks practices were tolerated by The Great One, but only with a sustainable land management plan.

And the Big People did thus attempt to emulate the FSM’s Midget jokes on many occasions. But the Midget/Midgits had endured many gags by the FSM over the last few thousand years. And the Big People’s attempted gags were like water off a ducks back. For the Midget/Midgits did thus turn the tables, making Big People the butt some many wicked one-liners. And the Lumberjack and Pirate jokes came thick and fast. And following many televised slanging and haranguing matches on MTV (that’s Midgit TV!) the combined Midgit/Midget crack debating team did thus hammer the Big People.

And it was thereby decreed by the victorious Midget leader Egbert, that no further jokes of a politically incorrect nature shall be uttered in the lands of Noodle Earth.

'Felloo Meedgets, Meedgits, Loomberjecks und Puretes. Ve-a zee feecturs hereby decree-a thet zee veecked jeebes und bed gegs ebuoot iech oozeer shell ceese-a. Fur ve-a shell leern tu leefe-a in peece-a. Ve-a shell leern muny Iteleeun Cuukeeng skeells und receepes, und ve-a shell feend elternete-a meuns ooff pleeseeng oooor Greet Nuudly Mester.'

Which roughly translate to less jibes, more cooking and lots of prayers to the Great Noodly One. And the FSM thought that this was a major bummer, for all that Theo speak was sappy and boring. And he did bellow across the cosmos:

‘No more use of 17th Century English prose when addressing me please. Just speak to me normally for crying out loud.’

And the pirates, tired of all the wowsers, did thus depart the lands of Noodle Earth to seek adventure and treasure. And the Lumberjacks soon running out of timber tossed in their axes and joined the Pirates on their tall ships.

And the First Great Age of Noodle Earth did thus conclude with the departure of the Big People. And the Flying Spaghetti Monster did thus yawn at the Midgets and Midgits. For like a man-of-the-house with 50 cable channels to view, he did thus flip the many channels of his creations and bellow.

‘Time to checkout this new stuff on the Pirate Channel, cause these guys have fun.’

And here endeth the Fifth Book and The First Age of Noodle Earth. For keeping in the traditions of other religious texts, no dates or precise scientific evidence shall be mentioned. It is The Great Ones wish that vague wording and historical accounts should provide much arguing and disagreement amongst us.

Never the less, it is the irrefutable word of The Flying Spaghetti Monster and therefore must be true.

Praised be to His Noodly Appendages!! (PBTHNA)

RAmen
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Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Mon Oct 03, 2005 6:48 pm

DaveL wrote:And despite the Midgets clear opposition to such a practice, the FSM found the logrolling contests a welcome relief from the dwarf throwing contests.


don't you mean:

THA CABER TOSS!


i like it. and thanks for answering my question.

its rashashana. saay... Jewish people MUST be slightly touched by his noodlyness, for most of their holidays invovle food. or maybe I'm thinking of Fasts. which brings me to another incompetence of me: is Pasta Kosher?

May the FSM be with you.
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Postby DaveL on Tue Oct 04, 2005 4:00 am

You'll have to consult the Book of Lumberjack on that one Qwerty. I'm off to write some more psalms. For the Great One has decreed it.
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