Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Submit your scriptural writings for inclusion in the Loose Canon, and your tales of ancient FSM Lore, as well as any other FSM-related writing you may have.

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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Sun Jul 26, 2009 4:19 pm

ChowMein wrote:Har de har har PE !

Ye arr onest yer way to becomin' a venganza forum legend , much loike arr deer departed memmers ( and me as well , of corse :grin: )


lol, thanks
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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby Almighty Doer of Stuff on Mon Aug 03, 2009 6:19 pm

A Letter from ADoS to the Dying

Ahoy, me fellow dyin' followers of our Great Noodly Lord.

I says "fellow" for to all appearances, it seems we must all go to drink from the Beer Volcano at some point in our lives, usually at the end. I counts meself as most likely included in this trend.

This trend, on that note, is one that often causes concern for those who has not yet died for the final time in their lives. We may worry about what will happen after we dies, both on Earth an' in the great beyond. I wish to address these concerns, as far as Pastafarians is concerned.


On Earth, many o' the more accepted religions has what is called "last rites", rituals that must be performed in order for the best outcome to occur for the deceased an' those who were part o' the deceased's former life. I has seen many inquiries about what a last rite for Pastafarians might be. The Flying Spaghetti Monster, in His wisdom an' drunkenness, has never made it totally clear what should be done with a Pastafarian corpse. This has undoubtedly been a large part o' the reason for many inquiries, but rather, I says that it has been made vague intentionally.

Consider the ways a typical pirate might die. A pirate may be made to walk the plank, to be devoured by the hungry sharks below. A pirate may be marooned on a deserted island an' eventually killed an' eaten by a boar. A pirate captain may be mutinied against, an' set adrift in a barrel, only to drown when the barrel flips over in rough waters. Sadly, a pirate may be strung up by the Crown an' impaled on a spike at the entrance to a harbor. An' o' course, a pirate may return to shore an' live incognito till old age or disease strikes. Such a pirate might then be buried in the ground.

Me point is that a life o' piracy has no guarantees about the causes o' death, an' as such no guarantees about what shall be done with the bodies. As piracy is the Noodly Lord's ideal lifestyle for His followers, it would make sense that He would not place strict requirements on us about last rites. Presumably a death during an act o' piracy would be ideal, but it must be remembered that many traditional allies o' pirates are not, in fact, pirates (for instance, wenches, barkeepers, shipwrights, even the royalty in some cases), an' thus it also makes sense that even this is not required.

Me advice to ye, worried Pastafarians, is that ye should arrange for whatever pleases ye to happen to yer body when ye dies. There be no guarantees that it will happen, but ultimately, it probably doesn't matter.


The other concern I wish to address is that o' the afterlife. What we know o' the afterlife is almost as vague as the instructions for last rites. We are fairly sure that there be Firmament, a Beer Volcano, an' a Stripper Factory, an' we can assume there be pasta an' great oceans to sail upon. We can also assume we might meet our Great Starchy Deity, sauce be upon Him. Beyond this, we know very little o' the afterlife, an' as a result, there be much debate about what kind o' beer is in the Volcano, whether there be male strippers for the females, whether there be any punitive system, an' many other things.

I posit that the nature o' the afterlife has been left vague for similar reasons as for instructions for last rites. We know several things about the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The fact that He is very frequently drunk is the most cited trait, but He is also mostly benevolent, an' He also enjoys manipulating data to hide the truth. It is therefore possible, or so I surmise, that He has not only taken into account the fact that one-size-fits-all Heavens do not, in fact, fit all, but that He also was able to create a Heaven that is pleasing to just about everyone (or at least everyone who isn't a total asshole), an' the only reason we cannot fathom it is due to His love o' changing our observations with His Noodly Appendages! ARRGH!

This is only a guess, o' course, but it should be enough to hopefully discourage disparagin' others simply because they disagrees with yer own ideas o' what Heaven is.


I hopes this will help to ease yer minds, fellow Pastafarians, an' free it up to do some interestin' ponderin', on the subject o' death an' otherwise.

Ramen! Pasta be with ye all.
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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Thu Jan 14, 2010 1:28 am

This is a checkpoint for the compilation purposes of the Second Council of Olive Garden. Please ignore and go about your business.
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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Tue Jan 19, 2010 1:19 am

Qwertyuiopasd’s Letter to the Evangelists.

1:1 Ahoy, excited and exuberant believers!

1:2 I am glad to hear of your quick conversion to the faith, and the fullness with which you practice, however I fear there are certain deeper aspects you do not yet grasp.

1:3 You ask me how best to convert those of different faiths?

1:4 Verily, I tell you there is no need.

2:1 The Flying Spaghetti Monster speaks through all religions, deities, and prophets, and all religions, deities, and prophets are conduits to the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

2:2 To worship any deity, or indeed worship of any sort, even the vaguest, is to worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and when you worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster, you worship every other deity and religion, for there is no distinction.

2:3 The Flying Spaghetti Monster isn’t any more the one true god than any other; he is simply our interpretation and incarnation of the divinity of the universe, or whatever you may call it.

2:4 As the Flying Spaghetti Monster said through the Buddha, “Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.”

2:5 This is how we must navigate the pluralism that is the essence of Pastafarianism.

3:1 The Flying Spaghetti Monster does not wish us to believe every word of every religion, as that would clearly be a problem and lead to much confusion and conflict.

3:2 All you have to do is be open to finding truth anywhere.

3:3 If you agree with it, believe it, no matter if it comes from the Bible, the Qur’an, The Buddha, Dave Barry, or any other source imaginable; these are all conduits of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

3:4 The principles of life, liberty, and freedom outlined in the Declaration of Independence and the United States Constitution are principles the Flying Spaghetti Monster chose to convey through men like Thomas Jefferson and James Madison.

3:5 The lessons of Mohandas Ghandi, Nelson Mandela, Voltaire, Plato and Socrates are all lessons of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

3:6 If you were to take everything ever said in a religious context, removed the parts that contradicted each other, and overlapped the commonalities, what you are left with is a single word.

3:7 Love.

3:8 Even the Beatles are a voice of the Flying Spaghetti Monster; all you need is love.

4:1 If someone is interested in knowing more about the Flying Spaghetti Monster, feel free to read them the Open Letter or select passages from The Gospel.

4:2 Though you must be cautious not to force your beliefs on others.

4:3 If someone is meant to come to the Flying Spaghetti Monster through our church, then it will be so.

4:4 If they are meant to find it through another church, or through their own personal dialogue, they will find it that way.

4:5 It is perhaps the greatest crime against the Flying Spaghetti Monster to coerce one into believing something, or to punish them for believing something different.

4:6 Ultimately, all you can do, and indeed all you should do, is put the word out there, accept any who join you, and love any who hate you.

5:1 May you be eternally touched by his noodly appendage,

The primary numbers indicate which paragraph they are intended to be in. I don't know whether it would be better to have then notated this way, or simply with one number, the way the Open Letter was notated in this thread. I just did it this way since the way scripture is usually quoted is number:number, and I don't have anything else in mind to write, so I have little choice in how to use the primary numbers.
daftbeaker wrote:But if I stop bugging you I'll have to go back to arguing with Qwerty about whether beauty is truth and precisely what we both mean by 'purple' :moon:

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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby Ubi Dubium on Tue Jan 19, 2010 8:31 am

Open your mind, but not so far your brain falls out

"Hurry up, before we all come to our senses!" - King Julien
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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Fri Jan 22, 2010 12:10 am

Whoa Qwerty, that's pretty awesome. Probably in my top five Loose Canon texts. Bravo sir
Check out an official Pastafarian holy book, the Loose Canon: http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/

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-ProvHerbs 3:35
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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby Tigger_the_Wing on Fri Jan 22, 2010 12:19 am

:worship: :worship: :worship: Qwerty! :zen:
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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby Ham Nox on Sat Jan 23, 2010 1:18 am

I second the motion to canonize Qwert's letter.
1 Speaker speaking for at the mike for 30 seconds and 1 speaker against for 30 seconds.
Call question.
Hearing no objections, it goes to a vote..

If only it could work always work so smoothly in Democracy...
Bayes Theorum:
............................P(X|A) * P(A)
P(A|X) = -----------------------------------
...............P(X|A) * P(A) + P(X|~A) * P(~A)

If I have learnt anything, it is that life forms no logical patterns. It is haphazard and full of beauties which I try to catch as they fly by, for who knows whether any of them will ever return?
Margot Fonteyn

~*L'Nox ti notve*~
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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby DaveL on Mon Jan 25, 2010 7:09 pm

Official Council of the Olive Garden Ruling = 'Whoa dude that's awesome!!"
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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Wed Jan 27, 2010 11:54 pm

DaveL wrote:Official Council of the Olive Garden Ruling = 'Whoa dude that's awesome!!"

Check out an official Pastafarian holy book, the Loose Canon: http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/

"With Him, All Things are Pasta-Bowl."
-ProvHerbs 3:35
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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby tehrabbit on Sun May 02, 2010 5:03 am

As a new convert, Qwerty's Letter to the Evangelists certainly helped in making sense of this noodly world I've stepped into. May His Starchy Floatingness make your endeavors saucy, Qwerty!

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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Sun May 02, 2010 3:00 pm

Awesome! :smile: Glad to be of help. Same to you about the sauciness. :fsm_yarr:
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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Fri May 21, 2010 2:22 pm

The Letter of Captain Jeff the Mishunairee to the Rutgers Campus Crusade for Christ

Chapter 1-Introduction

"Science can purify religion from error and superstition. Religion can purify science from idolatry and false absolutes…"
-Pope John Paul II

1 While I realize Campus Crusade for Christ isn’t a Catholic group, Pope John Paul II was a respected and intelligent man who did a great deal not just for Christianity, but humanity as well. 2 Here is one of the most important people in the Christian world professing the importance of cooperation between science and religion. 3 While the two have debated and had conflict throughout our history, a friendship between them can, in fact, help both sides. 4 Both have intelligent things to say and people are more likely to listen to friends than enemies. 5 I have come to this conclusion and made it a goal of the Rutgers Pastafarians to improve the relations between the science and religious groups on campus.

Chapter 2-The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

1 The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (the members of which are referred to as Pastafarians) is dedicated to keeping Intelligent Design (ID) out of public school science classrooms. 2 At this point in time, ID cannot be falsified, tested, or observed. 3 These characteristics are fundamental to science and any idea that does not possess them is not science. 4 Furthermore, ID is clearly based on religion and therefore it cannot be taught in public school due to the separation of church and state.
5 Due to its unfalsifiabilty, however, we can’t say ID is wrong, only that it’s not science. 6 Also, though the Church has no set dogma or rules, a great deal of Pastafarians, myself included, support the idea of religious tolerance. 7 The Rutgers Pastafarians have also established a code of conduct which bans any attacks or insults directed towards any religion. 8 It is a zero tolerance policy and any violators are expelled from the group. 9 So we are not out to prove Christianity wrong and mock Christians or any religion in any way.
10 Christianity and Intelligent Design are separate ideas. 11 The Church of the FSM is a satire of the ID movement, namely their argument that one cannot disprove that an omnipotent designer created the universe and life and therefore it is a plausible idea. 12 We counter and say you cannot disprove a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe and life and therefore by the ID proponents’ logic, it’s a plausible idea as well. 13 It’s meant to be as ridiculous as possible to demonstrate the flaw in this logic, plus a little humor goes a long way in any argument.

Chapter 3-Evolution

“A contradiction (between science and religion) is out of the question. What follows from science are, again and again, clear indications of God's activity which can be so strongly perceived that Kepler dared to say (for us it seems daring, not for him) that he could "almost touch God with his hand in the Universe.”
-Walter Heitler

1 Evolution is basically the formation of new organisms through the inheritance of changed genes over time. 2 The origin of life is a completely different idea, and evolution does not, nor is it meant to, explain how life started. 3 So while Creationism is more about origins, while evolution is an explanation of how organisms progress. 4 Since one covers the beginning of life and the other covers the rest, you can see how they could fit together nicely without conflict. 5 Furthermore, Darwin never said ‘Evolution is the inheritance of change over time and God doesn’t exist.’ 6 It’s not part of the theory. 7 The Church of England just apologized to Darwin, saying they misunderstood him. 8 The Vatican agrees that evolution could be used as a tool of God. 9 I don’t see why the Almighty wouldn’t use such an effective process to do His work. 10 So ultimately, evolution does not have to conflict with or oppose both God and the idea of the Creation.
11 With that said, and the reader accepts that fact, I can now give evolution a brief rundown. 12 In the interest of keeping this concise and unbiased, I’m mostly going to drop keywords that can be researched or answered by me if the reader is so inclined. 13 I feel that if I provide all the information, it might be biased towards my side. 14 As with any serious issue you should research both sides, using all sources available, and make up your mind for yourself.
15 As I wrote above, evolution is basically the formation of new organisms through the inheritance of changed genes over time. 16 Natural selection is just the process where the variation of one organisms’ offspring allows them to gain an advantage over others, thus allowing them to produce more offspring than their competitors and pass on their advantageous variation of their genes. 17 It is not a random process as many would claim. 18 While the mutations that occur are random, they are fed through the selection process and which “guides” them systematically to produce good results.
19 Claims of evolution being wrong as some traits are irreducibly complex are no good. 20 Just because you can’t imagine how something works doesn’t mean it can’t work. 21 Just because one doesn’t see how an eye could evolve, doesn’t mean the evolution of the eye is impossible. 22 Imagination varies from one person to another and is too subjective to be good measure of possibility. 23 One key aspect of the Irreducible Complexity argument is the idea that each trait is not built from scratch every time they are evolved. 24 Old structures are frequently repurposed in the evolutionary process. 25 For example, legs used for walking evolved from fins used for swimming. 26 So the eye could’ve evolved from simpler sight mechanisms, that would allow an organism to see, but with less parts being used. 27 There are various analogues throughout the animal kingdom: light sensitive cells in jellyfish, eyespots in planarians, and infrared sensors in pit vipers.

Chapter 4-Evidence

“The discovery of natural law is a meeting with God.”
-F. Dessauer

1 Observed Selection and/or Speciation in Nature:
2 Nylon Eating Bacteria
3 Pepper Moth
4 Jeff Feder and Rhagoletis pomonella and Diachasma alloeum wasp
5 Anolis sagrei, Leiocephalus carinatus, evolution, leg length
6 Antibiotic Resistance in Bacteria
7 Pesticide Resistance in Insects and Weeds
8 Overfishing decreasing fish body size
9 Poaching decreasing elephant tusk size

10 Observable Selection and/or Speciation in Laboratory Experiments:
11 Richard Lenski and E. coli
12 William Rice, George Salt, and Fruit Flies
13 Theodore Garland, Jr. and Mouse Running Speed
14 Domestication of the Silver Fox

15 Classical Examples:
16 Darwin’s Finches
17 Wallace Line

18 Anatomy:
19 Pentadactyl Limb
20 Vestigial Limbs in Whales and Pythons
21 Vestigial Eyes in Cavefish

22 “Transitional” Fossils:
23 Archaeopteryx
24 Tiktaalik rosiea
25 Maiacetus inuus
26 Evolution of the Horse
27 Evolution of Humans

28 Irreducible Complexity:
29 Youtube-Kenneth Miller and his mousetrap

Chapter 5-Conclusion

“In my mind God wrote two books. The first book is the Bible, where humans can find the answers to their questions on values and morals. The second book of God is the book of nature, which allows humans to use observation and experiment to answer our own questions about the universe.”

1 I’ll end this with one final point, my view of science back when I was Christian. 2 I didn’t abandon Christianity due to incompatibility with my scientific views. 3 I was a devout Christian and a strong supporter of evolution, the Big Bang, plate tectonics, etc. (I left Christianity because of a difference of opinions between me and God, but that’s a story for another day.) 4 So this was my reconciled view of science and Christianity. 5 Since humans are inherently sinful, I felt that God in all his power and wisdom wouldn’t trust us to tell the masses what he wanted to say. 6 Therefore, while the Bible has some good information in it, it’s still a book written by men, not by God, and should not be accepted as word for word truth. 7 To do so could lead to blasphemy and sin, as something in it could be wrong and therefore contradictory to what God did or what He expects of us.
8 While this is more wishy-washy when it comes to ethics, problems do arise when it comes to the Bible’s version of science. 9 It is indisputably dead wrong when it presents basic information about astronomy (1Chronicles 16:30, Psalm 93:1, Psalm 96:10, Psalm 104:5, Ecclesiastes 1:5), mathematics (1 Kings 7:23, 2 Chronicles 4:2), and psychology/anatomy (Matthew 9:4). 10 So who’s to say that Genesis doesn’t make a few mistakes when it comes to the Creation? 11 Science has provided the correct information in those other cases, maybe it can also provide us with the correct information about the creation of the universe and of life. 12 This doesn’t mean Jesus’ teachings are invalidated, but the Bible does presents false information about the universe, about God’s creation.
13 So if God wanted to give us accurate information, a message, proof of His work, would He use a book written and controlled by imperfect and sinful men? 14 Or would he scatter the evidence around in nature, leaving clues across galaxies or deep in the bedrock, where it could never be tampered with? 15 In my opinion, it would be a lot harder to fake the fossil record than it would be for someone to accidently change a few words in the Bible.
16 So in conclusion, you can be Christian and support science. 17 Us Pastafarians are just trying to protect science with a little humor. 18 Assuming God does exist, He gave us science for a reason. 19 I’m not saying I’m right and you must agree. 20 I’m saying try to be as unbiased as you can and look at the evidence science has provided. 21 If God is real, science can only show you the full glory of His work.

22 Sincerely,
Captain Jeff Cupo
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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Fri May 21, 2010 2:23 pm

The Sermon on the Mall

Author’s Note: Delivered on the Voorhees Mall at Rutgers University, during Tent State on 4/27/10.

1 Jeff, a captain of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and the stored Cheeses, To the students of the 19 schools on the five campuses: 2 Ahoy. 3 My mateys and wenches, whenever you face trials of any kind, consider it nothing but joy. 4 It is merely just the FSM fucking with you and you should be happy to have His attention. 5 But a crisis is looming, one that you should not be happy about. 6 Our lives are at stake in this world, and our souls in the next.

7 “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was Arrrgh!” Piraticus 13:7. 8 The Flying Spaghetti Monster’s chosen people are pirates, and He made man in their image, but man has forsaken Him. 9 I see no shoulders with parrots perched on top, no eyes covered by eyepatches. 10 I see no hands replaced with hooks, no legs replaced with pegs.

11 Global warming is proof of the FSM’s dissatisfaction with mankind. 12 Our Holy Graph shows us that as pirates have decreased in population over the years, killed by ninjas and other ne’er-do-wells, global temperatures have increased. 13 Pirates are after all His chosen people and He’s a little pissed off.

14 And if that wasn’t bad enough, I see more and more of my fellow students falling prey to the Dark Lord Darwin. 15 He corrupts them with reason and evidence, tricking them into thinking the myth of evolution true and causing them to choose Science and Philosophy over our holy and delicious teachings. 16 He tempts them will his facts, facts that fuck up our precious blind faith. 17 And while we don’t have a Hell in the usual sense, these poor souls surely won’t get to the best parts of Heaven, which has a beer volcano and stripper factories by the way.

18 Let me present St. Jason’s description of the best part of heaven, so you know what you’re aiming for. 19 “And true to his word, as we climbed, Heaven improved. The fragrance of great cooking was everywhere. The beer changed to the bitterest of IPAs, the richest of Porters, the sourest of Lambecs. Great clumps of tomatoes and garlic and basil seemed to grow everywhere. And the pasta! Ravioli exploding with flavor. Pot Stickers that satisfied with a single one, yet left you hungry for more. And I had a Cannolini that would make a grown man weep. The strippers we passed were humblingly beautiful, even the men. And as we crested the top, I was allowed to witness the Holy of Holies. I cannot describe to you the glories there save for the fact that truly the most Witty, the most Piratical, the most Respectful, and the most Comely of the pastafarians and strippers were found there. They ate of pastas so good as to make heroin pale in comparison. They drank of freshly erupted beers so good as to make mortal brewmasters despair. And above it all, flew the Spaghetti Monster.” Revelations of St. Jason 4:0-1.

20 These are indeed dark times. 21 But the scripture does provide us with comfort. 22 For example, in the Tale of Dave and Kyodai, written back during the Ninja’s Purge of the Pirates. 23 Dave, a young cabin boy, volunteers to fight the deadly ninja champion, Kyodai, who Dave’s crewmates were too fearful to fight. 24 Now Kyodai had killed many pirates and was pretty bad ass, but Dave, who had never been in battle, was confident he could win. 25 They approached each other to fight. 26 “Dave said to the ninja, “You come against me with your fancy sword, but I come against you in the name of the FSM, the God of the pirates, whom you have defied. Today the FSM will hand you over to me, and I’ll strike you down and kick you in the nuts.” Dave and Kyodai 4:10-11. 27 Dave, helped by the FSM, smited the powerful ninja with a single meatball.
28 You can also find solace in Pastalm 23, “1 The Flying Spaghetti Monster is my chef; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to sit down at full tables: he leadeth me beside the busy kitchens.
3 He restoreth my appetite: he leadeth me in the paths of excellent cuisine for his name's sake.
4 Arr, though I walk through the kitchen of the empty cupboards, I will fear no hunger: for thou art with me; thy noodles and thy meatballs they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my meal with sauce; my platter runneth over.
6 Surely flavor and deliciousness shall follow me all the minutes of my supper: and I will dwell in the dining room of the Flying Spaghetti Monster forever.” The message is clear; you can be saved simply by having blind faith.

29 The FSM is not a douche. 30 He really doesn’t care what we do. 31 He offers suggestions and lists things he’d really rather us not do, but if we don’t listen, it’s no biggie. 32 But He is a drunk, and He is kinda dumb, so there are accidental smitings now and then. 33 But there are some he really looks after and helps them in their time of need.

34 Blessed are you who cannot afford ramen, for yours is the Kingdom of Pasta
35 Blessed are you who are hungry now, for you will be filled.
36 Blessed are you who are sober, for you will get drunk at the heavenly beer volcano.
37 Blessed are you who are horny, for you will get laid by angelic strippers.

38 So I beg of you, save the planet, save mankind, save your eternal souls. 39 It will not be easy. 40 It is written “It is easier for a meatball to pass through the eye of a tornado than for a confused man to enter the Kingdom of Pasta.” ProvHerbs 3:40. 41 But you must try. 42 Kick that demon Charles Darwin in the balls. 43 But let the Flying Spaghetti Monster touch you with His noodly appendage. 44 Let Him annoint you with His delicious sauce. 45 Let Him fill your stomach with His divine meal. 46 “With Him, All Things are Pasta-Bowl” ProvHerbs 3:35. 47 You can be saved. 48 RAmen.
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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby Cardinal Fang on Sat May 22, 2010 8:06 pm

Capt. Tim's 3rd letter to Capt. Bob

Dear Capt. Bob

This is the third letter I've written but so far no response.

I don't know how they do things in your part of the ocean, but amongst pirates in these parts, this is considered quite rude.

Capt. Tim
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