This being the first
"Letter Of Nautilus"
Written in the 4th year of enlightenment, sent to the Council of the Seventh Squid Arm, penned by Pirate Terramort, Captain of the Birthday Massacre, and High Magus of the Wise Council of World Pasta.
1. Dearest Piratical brethren of the Seventh Squid Arm, whose leader be Lenora, Captain of the Star Raider, I send this letter to you to commend your enthusiasm, for reports of your Piracy have reached across the globe. However, I also write to you as a warning. 2For, as I was enjoying the Sacred Meal of Spaghetti and Beer, I was blessed with an enlightened vision, sent by the Great One, the Flying Spaghetti Monster. 3These are the visions that were witnessed. 4A Pirate was walking from his ship to the local House of Grog and Pleasure, when a strange creature crossed his path. 5This creature was dressed in black, as a Ninja, 6and all peoples know that Ninjas are the Pirates closest relative. 7But this creature was not Ninja, nor was it a Normal Human, beings who also descended from the Pirate, and through enlightenment, may return to Piracy once again. 8Nay, this was a creature from Beyond, a new creature created by the FSM. This creature was a Goth, created in the times of the Cataclysm. 9Seeing that this creature was different, the Pirate did not stop to share the Tasty Goodness of the FSM, but tormented this poor creature. 10And as the creature did weep, the Pirate laughed, for he felt powerful. 11And as the Pirate grew bored with tormentation, he continued to the House of Grog and Pleasure. 12But, along the way, he met yet another creature. This creature held in his right hand a Christian Bible, and a dagger in his left. 13The Pirate, seeing an opportunity, did strike up a conversation, and soon the temperature of the planet fell a little more as another Pirate was born. 14And the Pirate did continue on his merry way, and was not heard from for a very long ass time.
2. However, an event was set in motion that cannot be reversed. 2For, as I marveled at why in Pegleg I was dreaming about some Pirate and his fun, the Flying Spaghetti Monster laid his Noodly Appendage across my shoulder. 3“My Son,” he said to me, “Watch closely, and record what you see. For this Pirates mistreatment of one My creations, a great woe shall come forth. Perhaps not in your lifetime, and it may be a long time coming. 4I don’t know, for I am baked right now, and cannot tell time.” 5And as I watched, the Goth went to her home, and wept, for while she wore no eye patch, she did have a peg leg, and was indeed a Pastafarian. 6And while she did worship the FSM, she also has a personality. 7As she wept, wondering why her Pirate brethren would treat her so, her heart was turned into a stone meatball. 8After a good cry, some cloves, and mass amounts of beer, she did begin to feel anger at the FSM for abandoning her. She retired to her basement, and did begin to work. 9Having been a great sorceress of Electronics before turning to Piracy, she had great powers at her disposal. 10And thus was the beginning of the end of the world. 11Strassus, for that was the Goth’s name, vowed revenge upon all things Piratical. She began working on a great and powerful secret project. 12Having attended the Wise Council of World Pasta, Strassus had knowledge of the many recipes at her disposal, and mixed with her power of electronics. 13After many years and tubes of white makeup later, the Second Great Spaghetti-Deity was born – the Magnificent Spaghetti Facsimile, also known as the MSF, but preferring to go by Mr. Tingles. 14And in my vision, this MSF 4 meatballs, and 1,012 noodles. It had 7 eyestalks, and harnessed the ability to perform and create false miracles. Many said it could fly, but truly, it could only hover. 15And under the control of this Anti-FSM were legions of robots, and dancing to funky techno music. 16After 4 years of ruthlessly hunting Pirates and Ninjas, this false god signed a treaty with all Pirates and Ninjas, promising 7 years of peace. 17But, I say unto you, this MSF is not to be trusted! For by these signs shall you know his rise to power.
3. The world will have separated into seven continents, and one will melt into the sea. 2The world will begin to warm as true Pirates fade from the face of the earth. 3Booty hating, freedom-denying people will be designated into offices, both large and small. 4A great uprising and enlightenment of Pirates shall precede the coming of the MSF. 5And after this, many shall cry, “There is the FSM!” And many shall be right. But, beware those who point at a FSM with 4 meatballs! 6By these signs you have been warned! For 2 years into the great treaty of the MSF, the Anti-FSM will break his word, and once again, Pirates and Ninjas will be hunted to the brink of extinction. 728 Plagues and Wrongs shall hound the world during this time known as the Great Sauce Spoiling. These are recorded in detail in the Second Book of Nautilus. 8And at the end of the 7 years, the FSM will see what has been wrought upon His world created in drunken folly. 9And in my vision, He descended upon the Earth, to fight with the MSF, and reclaim his people. For 2 years and 5 months and 8 days, the battle was waged. 10The MSF battled with legions of evil robots, and the FSM created armies of Macaroni and Lasagna. 11And the MSF summoned the only Cook banished from heaven – Chef Boyardee. 12Behold, the FSM summoned forth all Pirates of ages past, and they killed the false Cook, and the Macaroni did short out the evil robots. 13And in the end, it was the Spaghetti-Deities, fighting for their chosen. And in the middle of this fight, the FSM did realize something - He was God! 14With a wave of His Noodly Appendage, all was made right, and the MSF was banished to the great lake of moldy spaghetti-o’s, known to Christians as Hell, and to us as California. 15And thus, all turned out all right.
4. Let this be a lesson to all peoples, Pirates and Goths and Ninjas and Normals alike – There is none better than another, no not one. 2The suffering of man y was brought about by one unkind action. 3For the sake of a person’s soul, please be nice. 4For, in the words of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, “Don’t be a bitch. It’s not nice.”
Drew Anderson, Th. D.
Captain of the Birthday Massacre
High Magus of the Wise Council of World Pasta
If you love someone, set them free. If they return to you, put several 8 inch blades into their head. If they return again, then run.... Just RUN.
1st Nautilus 4:4 " For, in the words of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, “Don’t be a bitch. It’s not nice.” "