TESTIMONIALS

Submit your scriptural writings for inclusion in the Loose Canon, and your tales of ancient FSM Lore, as well as any other FSM-related writing you may have.

Moderator: All Things Mods

The Book of David Ichiban Bach I

Postby IchibanHashi on Tue Sep 27, 2005 6:02 pm

The Book of Ichiban Bach I

His Noodlyness, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, lacked recognition, and so sought to spread His Word. Into the hands of wise men, he placed the seeds of knowledge that might sprout piety. His Noodlyness appeared to Grey, who He knew would provide a bridge between the realm of man, and the realm of pasta.

In a dream, He spoke to Grey:

Grey, know that I am your Lord and Master, the FSM. Know that through you, my Noodly Appendage is Manifest. In Manifest, thou wilt inform those whosoever thou shouldst see most fitting to rally My people. Thou shalt inform him of the Holiness of Pirates, of my call for their return. Thou shalt inform him of The Holy Meal, and its importance. Thou shalt inform him of Bobby, and thou shalt guide him to Bobby. Only then, will thy task be complete.

And then, knowing and accepting his task, Grey awoke with a mighty, "YARR!"

Yet untouched by his Noodly Appendage, fate would have it that placed in the path of Bach, was Grey, the scripture-bearing man of wisdom. More precisely, this scripture was the Word of Bobby. Bach read The Document and felt His touch. He was changed, no longer lost to the perplexing void of agnosticism, but now encompassed by His Infinate Noodlyness.

Upon completeing the Document, a vision came over Bach: A strand of cooked spaghetti shot from Bach. It shot beyond the room in which he stood, beyond the earth's atmosphere, beyond the stars and planets, beyond time and space itself. It was here that Bach saw his Noodly Master, who then spoke:

Bach! I had charged Grey with the task of informing you of My Word. Through Grey I was made Manifest, and through that vessel, I reached out to you. Grey's task is complete, but for you, I have a task of great importance, a task which may prove lifelong... be you willing to accept? Wilt thou accept my noodly appendage to remain Manifest?

For a moment, Bach was astonished, but he felt His touch, and knew it to be right. Confidently, Bach replied: "YAR! Whatever ye be chargin' me with, Oi do mos' humble accept! Yer Noodlyness hath scooped o't me entails, boil'd 'em, 'n returned 'em fortified w'starch. Oi be a bloody villain 'fOi not be acceptin' 'o yer charge"

Good then, Bach! Thine decision pleases me, now shalt this single strand be fortified and twined to last for all time!

Then, from beyond time and space came cascading noodles, twining and braiding as they came.

I provide thou with an unseverable connection to my Noodly Appendage, now through you I am Manifest.

Suddenly the vision came to an end, and Bach found himself sitting alone facing a black wall, he knew what course to take:

Closely following Bach's vision was the holiest day of the year: International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Bach decided to assemble regalia and wear it throughout this most holy day, regardless of the consequence.

On the eve of International Talk Like a Pirate Day, Bach set out his Regalia, partook of the Holy Meal, and sought rest early. He awoke early to meditate on the tasks at hand. He was at first uneasy about his decision, but no sooner had he felt the first pang of uncertainty than all reality melted away to reveal the infinate noodliness that encompassed all. The FSM then spoke:

Be not afaid Bach, for no matter the outcome, thou wilt be executing my divine Word. From't no harm can be done, to't no harm can be done. Worry not, as all will be well, I am through you Manifest. Be at peace, Bach.

Bach ended his meditiation abruptly with a "YAR!" of confidence, then donned his Regalia and set off.

Bach was at first unopposed and wore his regalia proudly, but, before long, was challenged by Bierul the Giant, master of the first eighth. "No 'ats een d'buildeen, BACH!" cried Bierul. The bellowing voice shook Bach to his very foundation. He braced himself and found strength in His Noodlyness, at which time he responded: "yar, there be a clause in d' no 'at rule ye be brandishin' 'round. Ye see, it be permitted fer 'ats t'be donned fer religous reasonin..."

But before Bach's argument had been heard out, Bierul struck him down with his fearsome cane, "Yees'ot two choicees: firstly, yoo can t'k off d'at. Secondly, yoo can face Hale." Bach knew that he would most likely have to face Hale, master the eighths, and was about to meet Bierul's threat head-on, when he felt a tug on his Appendage Manifestation and heard His voice:

Though thine intent fall on the boat, don't be too eager to set sail. My word spreads, let it reverberate fore thy encounter with the master of the eighths. Thine boat yet requires a hull, without which it will sink. When the time is right, thou wilt know. When the time is right, act on it, but do not risk the peril of premature action.

"So, wot'll eet be," demanded Bierul. "Oi be taken off me hat, Bierul, but in soul, it remain where it now lie," responded Bach, as he scornfully removed his hat, and took seat amongst the subjects of the first eighth.

And so Bach was persecuted, but at the begining of the second eighth, he readorned his hat anew. Meller, master of the second eighth, recieved his Noodly Appendage, and even had Bach speak His word to the class. The third and fourth eighths went by without notice, but as Bach traveled to the room of the fifth eighth a voice decreed "Eh! Captain Ahab! Teke off th' hat!" The FSM sent along his twined appendage:

Now is the time, Bach! Now! With all that thy have, let thine faith pour from thy mouth like beer from our heavenly volcano!

"Teke off th' hat, please," commanded Nor. With a ferver, Bach replied, "Ay, that I shan't be doin'. This be me Regalia, and I shan't be takin' it off. It be a divine decree that I should be wearin' it. Shouldst I need to be speakin wit' a man higher up 'an yerself to rectify this problem, I be glad to comply." And so it happened that Bach was directed to Hale, the master of the eighths.

Bach entered the master of the eighth's chambers, and was met by a wench. "Wot's 'e matter? Wot you need'e see Hale fer," inquired the wench. "Oi be needin' to see the master of the eighth's to rectify a conflict o' faith an' law," replied Bach. He was then seated to wait, as Hale was busy with mastering the eighths. As he waited, for audience with Hale, Bach encountered Reldnarch, the pirate. Bach and Reldnarch exchanged piratey words, and then he departed. With his spirits bolstered by this encoutner, Bach was called back to see Hale.

"What is all this about FSMism that I hear?" Asked Hale.

"Oi, ye see, I was wearin' me hat in celebration o' th' day, when I wos accosted boi a man who told me Oi couldn't wear me hat! 'E said 'at I should 'ave a word wit' you an' that would be that and Oi could wear my 'at! So, I come to yer and ask yer kindly 'at you respect me rights and let me wear me hat," Bach replied.

Hale stared at Bach for a moment, unsure of what to say. Out of this moment of silence Bach's confidence grew, and when Hale spoke, it almost did not matter what words he would speak, for nothing he could possibly say would sway Bach's faith.

"Well, you see: We only have one instance where an individual is allowed to wear a hat here, and he had a letter from a religious figure. If you can obtain such a letter, we might resume this conversation," said Hale.

With this ultimatum, Bach was barred from wearing his hat, however, he contacted His Holyness, Bobby, for a letter of the required specifications.

[--***This is where my story ends for now, as Bobby has agreed to write me a letter, but has not yet done so. Also, this is a rough draft, subject to change. I hope you all enjoy it, I know that I enjoyed writing it. RAmen!***--][/i]
IchibanHashi
Ziti Zealot
 
Posts: 20
Joined: Wed Sep 14, 2005 7:34 pm

......

Postby Solipsy on Wed Sep 28, 2005 3:17 am

Ichiban,

That ABSOLUTLEY rocks!!!!!!!!!!!! (anybody wondering why I'm freaking out in happiness and joy at that story needs to go the original thread: http://www.venganza.org/forum/viewtopic ... 4111#14111 and read what generated that story.)

I think it stops there with a "And thus ends the first book of Ichiban Bach." You know, like a big stare-down between you and the principal, and you say : "Yarrrr, then this document yee'll be a'gettin!" and some little story about how you weren't really sure if that was true or not, but your great faith told you the FSM would have your back.... lol

then the next one picks up with you telling about needing the letter and the divine intervention of getting it and giving it to the principal... too freakin' funny! -- The Second Book of Ichiban Bach or Ichiban Bach II or somesuch. Did I swear I would be your biggest fan forever? OMFSM!!!! All the story needs are a few tweaks for clarity, but, my Touched One, the First Martyr of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, that is AWESOME. I could not have asked for better than that!
This space for rent,
Solipsy

"The Go-To Scribe for all Texts Canonical"
User avatar
Solipsy
Holy Scribe
 
Posts: 577
Joined: Thu Sep 15, 2005 2:52 am
Location: Bent over ancient stone tablets and scrolls

Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Wed Sep 28, 2005 4:13 pm

oi. can ye get all us a copy of that?

i'll probably need one.
daftbeaker wrote:But if I stop bugging you I'll have to go back to arguing with Qwerty about whether beauty is truth and precisely what we both mean by 'purple' :moon:


Any statistical increase in the usage of the :idiot: emoticon since becoming Admin should not be considered significant, meaningful, or otherwise cause for worry.
User avatar
Qwertyuiopasd
Admirable Admiral Qwerty
 
Posts: 14358
Joined: Wed Sep 14, 2005 5:38 pm
Location: Northern Virginia

The Book Of Disco

Postby Solipsy on Tue Oct 04, 2005 4:40 pm

The Book of Disco:
1.And the Flying Spaghetti Monster came to me 2. In a dream of fond noodliness. 3. I accepted his gift by touching him back, 4. Making him grow more so fond of me. 5. And he said in the dream 6. “Convert as many as you can 7. as it is my will and prowess to do so.â€￾ 8. I agreed to this and he granted me 9. a spot in heaven atop the Beer Volcano and Stripper factory. 10. As I asked him how I could pay my respects daily to him 11. he said “Take this pasta and eat it, it represents my body 12. it will bring us both closer together.â€￾

13.As I was converting others I came upon a fellow named Zach. 14. As I talked with him he bacame overwhelmed by the awesomeness of our noodly master.15. He became so obsessed he started to have massive spasms on the floor while repeating, 16. “The Flying Spaghetti Monster is sooo freaking sweet he makes me want to 17. crap my pants.â€￾ 18. Zach has come down with a disorder called “Over-enthusiasmâ€￾19. Sure our PastaLord wants us to worship him but not all the time. 20. If he wanted us to worship him all the time 21. he would have never given us free will.

22.“Help thy fellow miget in times of peril, as they will help you in your time of need.â€￾ 23. The Flying Spaghetti Monster told us. 24. As he gave me advice on numerous things I took notes, here is his devine word. 25. “I encourage an openess to any other religion, bashing is not seen as an act of noodliness.â€￾ 26, “The Viking is as much a friend as the pirate. The Ninja hath see no mercy from the Flying Spaghetti Monster.â€￾ 27. “Emo sucks.â€￾


----


Hope that rocks your fancy ;D

If anyone wants the HTML version just ask :D


transferred here by Scribe Solipsy
User avatar
Solipsy
Holy Scribe
 
Posts: 577
Joined: Thu Sep 15, 2005 2:52 am
Location: Bent over ancient stone tablets and scrolls

Postby Shoeman on Wed Nov 09, 2005 7:22 pm

The Book of Karrow
I


Deep in the depths of Pirate Seas Carribea, there sailed a man named Karrow.

Captain Zack Karrow, black hearted scoundrel, drunk walking Thief, and quick talking silver tongue.

Zack Karrow had a merle, of which it was black. He lost his merle and so a ship he was in lack. Tossed on an island, without so much a snack. Dead to the world, and that was a fact.

Wiley ole Zack, never without Guile, in a vision from his Noodlyness, he waited awhile. Then come the rum runners, pirates to the end, gave him passage, while scrubbing their gunners.

Ten years flew, with Zack bounced around. Till the Holy One came and put Jack's feet on the ground. He sent Zack to a port, in search of a ship. Zack was caught but with plan in head, he bided his time, to confront the Dead.

And young green soldier, a gift from the Noodle, freed Zack from his jail. Commandeering a boat, they soon set sail.

And off to Tortuga to pick up a crew, and around the sea in the Saucey stew, and His Noodlyness whispered, deep in Zack's mind, soon there's the merle, soon you will find.

There in the water, the Merle all of Black, great black sails and great powerful back. And the Noodle guided Zack in, to confront his enemies.

Now Zack was captured again, and set back on his island. But with a companion. And he sat and drank rum and puzzled the situation, a mad raving drunk, in the eyes of Some.

But the Noodle was on him and he escaped again. Back to the Merle and back to the men. He did battle and triumphed in true Pirate form, got his Black Merle, and stood in Pirate norm.

Captured once more and almost yet killed, Zack was a wily one, and escaped before billed. Back to his Merle and back to the Sea, kept by the Noodle, for what still escapes me.

But one thing is sure, that Karrow is not done. The Noodle is on him and guides Zack in his fun. But as yet in the Future, after many passes of the Sun. After many days, and nights of the Moon, we'll see Zack Karrow again, some day soon.

II


Zack stood on the Crow's Nest of the Merle, peering at the Crew. The Noodly One nudged him and Zack Spoke:

"This is the world. A World of the Pirate, where the Earth is grateful to the existence of the Bloody Pirate and shows her Appreciation. The Great One commands to watch for signs!

He will Appear as an Invisible Pink Unicorn, stealing socks.

He will Appear as the Invisible Green Dragon.

He will speak through many and be hailed by many.

He will Appear finally in his True Form, of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, Savy?"

A triumphant shout came up from the deck and Karrow continued:

"A hurricane will strike the City of Piracy and the City will be destroyed. And a False Representation of his Noodlyness will be blamed. But then the Truth will start to take hold. The World will realize, Earth is demanding back her Pirates.

And the City will be rebuilt, and in the gala, the Black Merle will sail again into the harbor. And there will be much celebration. Drinks all around!!!"

Another triumphant yell from the crew of the Merle and of the surrounding ships. "The Chimpanzee will be fallen and the City will be rebuilt. And then, the Holy Land will be sought. There the Monument, will be built. A great Arrggh will sound and the Earth will be healed. And his Noodlyness proclaims, breed many Pirates, for the day will come when we are triumphant again. What say you?"


"AYE!"

And The Flying Spaghetti Monster smiled.

III


And the Merle sailed again. And a black flag rose.

The FSM Fish flew again.

Behind the Merle, galleons gathered for war, ready to assault the fortresses of Bigotry.

The Lord Spaghetti flew, watching his forces. Noodles offered blessings to the brave, and helped to strengthen the jumpy knave.

And old wily Zack, Silver tongued talker, stood on his deck watching the land, watching the walkers. Thoughtful he was, staring at the shore, wondering about the Lord, and the acts that awaited yet more.

His Noodlyness spoke, a great resounding noise, and the pirates soon broke their humble poise. They stormed the Ports and ransacked the houses. They pillaged the bigots, but left alive the mouses. They plundered the intolerant, followers of the Chimp. Wenching the lovely, while doing away with the pimps.

And the smoke billowed black, as black as the Merle. And Zack watched again, as the sails did unfurl. They sailed onward at the push of a Noodle, ready to assault again, the whole kit and kaboodle.

The Chimpanzee mustered his force. War on the pirates, which would further melt the North. His Sauciness knew though and informed wily Zack. And Karrow did tell, his crew of Merle Black.

And the Pirate sailed in, and cannons did fire. The young and old, and all they sire. And soon there stood the Chimp, surrounded by none. Standing all alone, he was not quite done.

For Zack came forward and tossed him a sword. Bloody scalawag that he was, he didn't want to be bored. He said "I am Captain Zack Karrow , Pirate of Seas Carribea. Under other circumstance, it'd be nice to see ya. In the name of his Noodlyness, you must sink down to Lock Davy. In all seriouness, I do hope you Savy."

And crossed Swords they did. And battled into the night. And the Pirates gathered round as bid, watching until first Light.

And the Chimp was defeated, in a parry and a blow. And taken his body was, to bury and to go.

Gone was the Chimp. Victorious was Zack. Gone was demonic Imp. Triumphant was Merle Black.

Zack sheathed his Sword. And boarded his ship. A brief moment of Mourn, and off with a rum sip. Back to Carribea, till the Noodle called again. To rest and be at peace, till Zack was needed by Men.

IV


Zack knew many women, and was much slapped in the face. But the women didn't know, of Zack's true case.

Commanded by the Noodle, Zack did wench much. Blessed by the Noodle, he did wench such.

So again and again he engaged in acts wild. And yet never once did he father a child. For Zack wasn't ready for fatherhood yet, he had more to do, for his Noodle, more to get.

So off from the Seas, of his Home Carribea. And off New Orleans, as there was much to see'a

A City in ruins. Struck by Hurricane. Which even with the help of many, under the sea it had lain.

And Zack climbed the mast and shouted very Great. "Avast me hardies, we are a little late. Ahoy", he called, down into the city. "look alive there. For Captain Zack Karrow, will enter in a spare."

And down from the Mast, to guide the Merle in. And people pointed and whispered of sin. Zack looked on to the distrustful eye, wondering if, here he might die.

The Noodle urged him on, past the staring faces. And onward to the center, to put them in their places.

Dropping anchor, the Crew set to work. To rebuild the city, and clear away the murk.

And much building was done and the water cleared away. Till the Merle sat at the center, one fine spring day. And the mast rose up high, waving a great black flag. And for once did the work, then yet lag.

For the City had become, a great pirate ship itself. With waving black banners and a people with some pirate self.

And Zack found himself a Lord of the place. Some banners rose, bearing his face. The legend of his adventures soon got out. The movies soon saw the stories of his many bouts.

And the Noodle smiled and allowed him a child. And old Zack Karrow, still continued yet wild. For he was always free, from land and the world. His home was the Sea, as a man with sails Unfurled.

Zack taught his child, the ways of the sea. Soon the lad was wild, as Karrow as could be. And the world was healed yet more. Of its pollutionary blight. And all of this because, the great Pirate Might.

And guiding this all. The Great Flying Noodle. Smiling he was. And just because. The world was coming to peace. Just by his lease.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster flew onward. Away from good Zack. To let the man rest. In good taste instead of lack. Ole Karrow earned his rest. His freedom and his leave. And this was all done by a bright Hallows Eve.

V

And Zack went back to the city, yet years later. One last wish, of his Lord did he cater.

Zack went to the Center and stood on the Mast, of his black proud ship, to the city it had been cast.

And Zack shouted down, wild and true, for the Lord Noodle had touched him, and given the cue:

"Now hence comes, the end of my part. As hard as I've worked, from the very start. One last drink and one last say and I will bid ye all good day."

Zack held up a hand, displaying pirate Gold. With the shape of a skull, it was quite old. Treasure from the past, another adventure. That had kept him alive, four hundred years at last censure.

"I come by the Skull and his Highest Lord Noodle, to speak of the Law, of which there's an oodle.

By the great Pirate banner, we all must strive to live. Take all ye can, and be careful when you give.

Rum is a good drink, but be careful in excess. It has happened, that it causes a load of mess.

The greater good should be held, above personal prejudice. Or else be as the Chimpanzee, a quick death you will Kiss.

Captain and Commador are all fine and well. But lead in bad way, and you'll find yourself in your own Hell.

The worst jobs await, those of mutiny and betray. In the afterlife, so be careful what happens today.

Opinions and ideas, are all fine and well. But bigot you will not be, or your doom will be brought by Bell.

Sex is justifiable vice, but only with consenting adult. Only the sick and deranged, would put themselves in child molestation and rape cult.

Do ye well, as best ye can. We all fail sometimes, as we all have Human Hand.

Heed the Noodle's call, and do not stray. For the beer volcano awaits those that do, after your Death Day.

Love yourself and who you are, unBeautified or not. Do not stray to beauty scams and pains, or you'll be left a wasted lot.

The person you hurt, first and foremost, is always most likely yourself. But watch and be careful, for the families and the young sweet child elf.

Pirate Garb is holy dress and available to all. The One who wear it is truly blessed, especially without fashionable call.

The Lord now smiles and I am yet done. I hope you learned a lesson, on this day of March One.

I am drunk and ready to leave and bid you all good nappy. I could use some sleep right now, so I hope you all do Savy."

And with that the Pirate dropped the gold, into a stone chest below. He waved goodbye quite happily, the opposite of Hello.

He departed then and lived the rest of his days, but many still remember, the noble work he did and life he lived and when the fire burns to ember:

Everyone raises their glass at once and toast "Aye to Zack Karrow , a hearty lad and Pirate true, from hair to bone marrow.
And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him.
User avatar
Shoeman
Fusilli Fuselier
 
Posts: 158
Joined: Sun Oct 09, 2005 4:43 pm

Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Wed Nov 09, 2005 7:40 pm

luberly. now, did he die in the end? or what? maybe that's the unanswered mystery? :shock: woooooOOOOOoooOOOoooOOo!spoooOOOOoooky!

yyyeah.

anyway, I like it. although who is the chimp? I doubt it is the feared pirate LeChimp. that part just kind of confused me.

what was the name of the kid?

three thumbs up, and a half a peanut.
daftbeaker wrote:But if I stop bugging you I'll have to go back to arguing with Qwerty about whether beauty is truth and precisely what we both mean by 'purple' :moon:


Any statistical increase in the usage of the :idiot: emoticon since becoming Admin should not be considered significant, meaningful, or otherwise cause for worry.
User avatar
Qwertyuiopasd
Admirable Admiral Qwerty
 
Posts: 14358
Joined: Wed Sep 14, 2005 5:38 pm
Location: Northern Virginia

Postby Shoeman on Thu Nov 10, 2005 1:26 pm

Chimpanzee=George Bush

The FSM didn't relate to me the name of the son or Karrow's fate.
And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him.
User avatar
Shoeman
Fusilli Fuselier
 
Posts: 158
Joined: Sun Oct 09, 2005 4:43 pm

Postby IchibanHashi on Tue Nov 15, 2005 9:36 pm

its been a while since i've posted. There is no need to fear though, I still plan on writing the book of ichiban bach II... as soon as I have material for it, that is. Before I write it I want to have my letter, but I havent gotten it from bobby yet. The last I heard from him he agreed to write me a letter, but that was over a month ago... I just emailed him again today, and I hope to get a letter from him yet. Oh well, I'll tweak the book of Ichiban Bach I maybe...
IchibanHashi
Ziti Zealot
 
Posts: 20
Joined: Wed Sep 14, 2005 7:34 pm

Postby Solipsy on Wed Nov 16, 2005 1:07 am

it's great to hear that you're still thinking about it! I hope you get your letter!
This space for rent,
Solipsy

"The Go-To Scribe for all Texts Canonical"
User avatar
Solipsy
Holy Scribe
 
Posts: 577
Joined: Thu Sep 15, 2005 2:52 am
Location: Bent over ancient stone tablets and scrolls

Postby IchibanHashi on Mon Nov 21, 2005 11:03 pm

To say that I'm "thinking about it" would be inaccurate. I am writing The Book of Ichiban Bach II as long as I get my letter, I just need to get it. If I have to get my letter from a lesser official within the church, aka Dee Dee, then my second book would not be...quite as powerful as I'd hoped. Of course I could supplement reality with a great deal embelishment and whatnot, but I had just hoped to get my letter from Bobby, seeing as he did write an email to me saying that he would, and I have not heard otherwise since...then again i havent heard anything since, regardless of several followup emails on my part. Oh well, bobby told me that he would write me a letter, and so I shall recieve a letter (I'm an optimist, or perhaps just delusional, they're one in the same really.) Regardless, The Book of Ichiban Bach II will be written and it will be righteous...just on two different levels depending on who I get my letter from, even though I'm certain I'm getting it from bobby... :worship:

RAmen
IchibanHashi
Ziti Zealot
 
Posts: 20
Joined: Wed Sep 14, 2005 7:34 pm

The Book of Hoss Rex

Postby Hoss Rex on Sun Jan 08, 2006 9:09 am

The Book of Hoss Rex: Chapter the First

The One True Noodle (Or: How I Learned to Stop Thinking, and Love the Carbs): An epiphany simmered directly into the noodle of a Pastafarian neophyte.

Avast, Ye Matey, and hear the word, without hearing, for I have been touched by His noodly appendage. I may not have the wisdom of His saucy scholars, but I have been the rare recipient of His vengefull views. How ignorant the belief I previously held so dear. How spiritually suicidal of me to mistake the multitude of empirical evidences as anything besides the histrionics of His noodly appendage.

Avast, Ye Matey, and hear the word, without hearing, for I have seen, without seeing, the sauce, and the spice of His soul. The great, and true, Flying Spaghetti Monster has shown me, without showing me, all that He was, is, and will be. I'd lived my life trapped in a world of practicalities, logic, and science. I'd worshipped the great beast that is mathematics; algebra, calculus, even long division. I was destined to forever forego freedom from philisophical fantasy.

Avast, Ye Matey, as I understand, without understanding, the truth.

Avast, Ye Matey, and bring forth, without bringing forth, your worries, your independent thought, and your money unto he who is the great, and true Flying Spaghetti Monster, so as he may take away all your worries, ideas, and money. Looking upon the face of the great, and true Flying Spaghetti Monster, without actually looking, is to be free from the need for worries, ideas, or money. The great, and true Flying Spaghetti Monster will take your worries, and sautee them into fine, and truly good, mushroom sauce. The great, and true Flying Spaghetti Monster will take your ideas, and twist them into perfect, and truly good, Bow Tie pasta. The great, and true Flying Spaghetti Monster will take your money, and buy an expensive, and truly good, kick ass pirate ship with all kinds of bad ass cannons, and ye olde stuff.

Avast, Ye Matey, and dress, without dressing, in the garb of his chosen people. Ye must always, and forever dress in the accoutrements of the men of the sea. Be it puffy shirt, funny hat, or a parrot on ye shoulder, it be a pirate life for ye. Ye must always wear these because they are good, and truly his chosen garmets. You must always wear these things to please the one good, and true, Flying Spaghetti Monster, as to keep his rage at a cool ye olde seventy-five degrees, with a slight breeze coming in from ye olde east. Should the chosen people of the noodle stray away from this path, He shall become angry, and you wouldn't like Him when He's angry, bringing his spicy garlic base to a violent boil, warming all the lands, melting the polar ice caps, and cutting massive holes in His ye olde ozone layer.

Avast, Ye Matey, and hear, without hearing, the great, and true, Flying Spaghetti Monster speak through this mere neophyte. Listen, without listening, to the Not Commandments, but Suggestions, and follow, without following, the path. Ye, he, who is the accepted chosen of his noodly appendage shall find, without finding, all that which most comforts him in the afterlife, since making things all cool and stuff in the current life is hard, or something, for the great, and true, Flying Spaghetti Monster. Ye shall not blame him for waiting until the day thee passes from this mortal toil, as ye have no idea what its like flying around all day, using his noodly appendage to trick ignorant scientists into believing all things which his great, and true, noodly self thinks are funny. Ye think thats easy? Feh! The great, and true, Flying Spaghetti Monster would like to see you be everywhere at once, doing all the stuff he has to do. The great, and true, Flying Spaghetti Monster says if you think you can do a better job, then you try. Hence his noodly appendage brings forth naught but pain, suffering and misery in this world, since its just easier that way, and saves the eternal bliss of permanant paradise for when the sauce has slowed in ye olde veins, and the noodles have ceased their wiggle, both of course, metaphorically speaking, since naught but His body, and blood are composed of such delicious delicacies.

Avast, Ye Matey, and take his word for it, without taking his word for it, that the beer volcano's, and the stripper factories are pretty freaking sweet. Just, ye know, wait it out. Trust the great, and true, Flying Spaghetti Monster. Does ye think He would lie? For what reason doth he have to lie? All He's asking, without asking, is for your blind faith, and your money. The great Flying Spaghetti Monster wants to know what you'd do with the money anyway? Eh? Probably just buy beer, and strippers with it! The great, and true, Flying Spaghetti Monster says "Pay for a stripper today, and you have a stripper for a night. Pay the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and have a stripper for eternity." Good advice He thinks.
Rape, pillage, and plunder your way to the land of beer volcano's.
Hoss Rex
Conchigliette Convert
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2006 8:59 am

Previous

Return to Scripture and Lore

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests

cron