Pirates VS. Ninjas; Facts and Truths

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Pirates VS. Ninjas; Facts and Truths

Postby Mammoth on Wed Jul 26, 2006 7:23 pm

Throughout history great men have pondered the great secrets and mysteries of life. "Where did I come from?" of course has been on top of the philosophical to-do-list for thousands of years. Luckily as Pastafarians we have the answers to such questions. These questions are unanswered for many and would surely cause an unenlightened person to tremble and undoubtedly lose control of their bowels. Pastafarians know that the FSM put us on this earth to spread his saucy goodness. So our minds tend to wander to the second most important question that one can ask themselves.

If Pirates Fought Ninjas Who Would Win?

Many of the world's great thinkers have pondered this eternal and quite mind boggling question. Plato spend three years writing an epic and concise dialogue on the matter entitled "The Cove" however unable to finish it he got really drunk and slipped while stumbling home hitting his head on a rock. When he awakwened he had lost quite a few brain cells and no longer able to comprehend the expansiveness of "The Cove" he changed it to "The Cave" and wrote some rubbish about messianic complexes and fear of change; pretty useless stuff.
René Descartes once commented on the matter in a very profound manner saying "Cogito ergo Pirata" (I think therefore I am a pirate) this was edited and made more acceptable to the public for his published works.
Most recently this dilema has been expressed in the equation

n( :fsm_yarr: )-1 = 2nT/n :fsm_ninja:^2

The bare fact is that pirates are the obvious victors in any cross-genre scuffle with ninjas.

Part One- Sri Lankan port cities at dusk or dawn

FACT #1: Such a fight would be rare

Pirates are generally seafaring or found on sandy coasts and beaches. Ninja's on the other (probably fingerless-gloved) hand ninjas are found on land, attacking dojo's and corrupt warlords. Additionally pirates are generally daiurnal where ninjas tend to work at night. Therefore we can assume that such a battle would occur at either dusk or dawn somewhere where ocean meets land like a beach or a port city.

FACT #2: Ninjas have limited territories

Whereas pirates have been documented o have existed across the planet from the carribean to Ireland to the Indian Ocean whereas ninjas tend not to leave their Asian home. Therefore the battle would take place at dusk or dawn at a port city somewhere pirates and ninjas might cross paths, a good inbetween point might be Sri Lanka

At this localle the fight may be a toss up. Pirates are slightly more likely to win given the sheer number of pirates on a ship, their swah buckling ability and use of gunpowder weapons traditionally shunned by ninjas.

Part Two- Factual Facts

FACT #3: The planet earth is 75% ocean

Therefore a random battle is most likely to occur on the seas where pirates would undoubtedly win even if the ninjas even had their own super fast (probably black*) ninja boat the pirates would simply blow the thing out of the water or attack by turtle and take them by surprise.

Thereby we realize that pirates are then victors in at least 63% of all battles with ninjas

*note that:
Ninjas have this weird obbsession with wearing black which we can use to infer that ninjas were the emos of history


:worship: :fsm:
FACT;
Ninjas Only Exist Because Pirates Let Them
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Re: Pirates VS. Ninjas; Facts and Truths

Postby Dr. Otis Lansa on Wed Jul 26, 2006 7:29 pm

Mammoth wrote:*note that:
Ninjas have this weird obbsession with wearing black wich can use to infer that ninjas were the emos of history


ROFLMAO!!!
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Postby Khaos on Wed Jul 26, 2006 8:06 pm

FACT: Pirates are able to more quickly reproduce than ninjas, given that they have infinitely better pick up lines (examples being: "Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?" and "That's quite a cutlass ye got thar, what ye need is a good scabbard! "* (and those are two of the cleanest)) and therefore get together more often.

FACT: Pirates have Jolly Rogers. It is not yet discovered who Roger was and why he was so jolly, but it counts for something anyway

To continue the claim given by Mammoth that a battle fought on sea would be won by pirates, Ninjas, being unused to the peculiar quality of water (known as movement) are likely to be rendered unable to fight given that they would be seasick, or at least have food poisoning from trying to eat a raw fish that was not sushi quality.

:shellfish:

*both pick up lines taken from the International Talk Like a Pirate Day website, which can be found here
It's only forever, not long at all.
Don't tell me truth hurts little girl,
It hurts like hell.
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Postby Mammoth on Wed Jul 26, 2006 8:27 pm

Good point me hearty

ACTUALLY FACTUAL FACT: Origins of the Jolly Roger

Comes from the french term joli rouge meaning "merry red" because pirates flew red flags traditionally because it was the colour of blood and most of them were originally colonial british privateers (who flew red) these were converted into pirate flags by adding skulls. Eventually Jolly Roger came to be known as any flag flying a skull and then any pirate flag at all. The flag traditionall thought of as the Jolly Roger - skull and crossed cutlasses - was the flag of the pirate "Calico" Jack Rackham.

QUESTION: Should two cutlasses be cutli?

FACT: Pirates have more functional weapons

The ninja naginata or katana is a slashing weapon whereas the pirate cutlass can be use for slashing and stabbing additionally the pirate's ranged weapon is either the gun or the cannon which can easily kill a man with one hit or even take down a ship. Conversely the ninja shuriken is vastly ill equiped to take down a ship, it would take at least um... seven thousand shurikens to take down a pirate galley.
FACT;
Ninjas Only Exist Because Pirates Let Them
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Postby OZ_Nick on Thu Jul 27, 2006 1:42 am

Khaos wrote:To continue the claim given by Mammoth that a battle fought on sea would be won by pirates, Ninjas, being unused to the peculiar quality of water (known as movement) are likely to be rendered unable to fight given that they would be seasick, or at least have food poisoning from trying to eat a raw fish that was not sushi quality.


Nah, the lillie livered lubbers probably 'ad a bit o' Black Bart's Fish Head Stew. That'ud sort out the unawares.

Aaarrrggghhh, Oi'll be back to the Pirate Forum now... :fsm_yarr:
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Postby Dr. Otis Lansa on Thu Jul 27, 2006 3:09 am

OZ_Nick wrote:That'ud sort out the unawares.


'O's gonna sort out their undarwares, now? Not I....
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Postby Mammoth on Thu Jul 27, 2006 10:11 pm

As was alluded to by the insinuation the that ninjas are "freeballers". I'm sure we all realize Pirates versus Ninjas is very similar to Boxers vs Briefs. One is loose and free the other is disciplined and constricting.

I'm not saying I want to start a fight I just want to educate the populace.
FACT;
Ninjas Only Exist Because Pirates Let Them
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Postby Nico on Fri Jul 28, 2006 1:45 am

I used to be a ninja until i became a pastafarian and discoverd the fact that pirates were much better until recently i didnt no pirates and ninjas were fighting but now i know who are the good guys
my best friend is a ninja and we fight about this topic quite alot but we are still friends and the best thing i can do is let him be what he wants until he is touched by the flying spaghetti monsters noodly pirate appendage

RAmen :fsm_yarr:
in the begining there was word and the word was arrrg
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Postby Mammoth on Fri Jul 28, 2006 2:59 pm

Aditionally anybody who has read the prophet Bobby Henderson's (sauce be upon him) gospel that ninjas are the reason for the end of piracy and are closely related to hare krishnas.
FACT;
Ninjas Only Exist Because Pirates Let Them
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Postby Mammoth on Sat Jul 29, 2006 9:34 am

True but I tend to elieve what only seems plausible and if you've ever had a hare krishna sneak up on you at the airport then you have no doubt as to their afiliation with ninjas and ninjettes alike.
FACT;
Ninjas Only Exist Because Pirates Let Them
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