I originally wrote this in word, and it took up a few pages. Couldnt find an acceptable way of attaching the doc, so copy/paste was the next best thing!
Touched by His what? Page 1
Into today's society, the idea of any non christian deity is looked upon with derision. The thought that our world was created by a mass of congealed semolina with meat byproducts for eyes is considered laughable at best. For some reason, the theory that we came into spontaneous existence is highly favored (flavored?). The theory that cosmic space sauce explodicating from nothingness (much like marinara being heated much to high with a lid on) is has gained momentum in the last 50 years. Of course, this is all hear say as the Flying Spaghetti Monster (from here on out abbreviated at FSM) has not given his noodly approval to such whimsical nonsensitude© (I am hereby claiming copyright on the term “nonsensitude”). There is irrefutable proof that FSM is the only way to explain our existence in this huge mess called the Milky Way (what a stupid name...wasn't there any consideration for the lactose intolerant?) Comparisons can easily be drawn (written) from Christianity, parallels (or perpendiculars if you prefer) can be seen in Islam, and completely fabricated consistencies pulled from Hinduism (purely to meet the intent of the author).
Some people say Christ was the original zombie. This is in fact false. How so you may ask...because there was no such thing as zombies back then! Zombies weren't even invented until 1937 when a witchdoctor in Haiti fed bad shellfish to a patient complaining of gout. Seriously? Worse witchdoctor in the history of er, witchdoctorism? Regardless, Christ preached that people should love one another, regardless of your personal feelings towards them (Holy Bible, Book of John, 30AD). This is in direct accordance with the 3rd I Really Rather You Didn't: I'd Really Rather You Didn't Judge People For The Way They Look, Or How They Dress, Or The Way They Talk, Or, Well, Just Play Nice, Okay? Oh, And Get This In Your Thick Heads: Woman = Person. Man = Person. Samey = Samey. One Is Not Better Than The Other, Unless We're Talking About Fashion And I'm Sorry, But I Gave That To Women And Some Guys Who Know The Difference Between Teal and Fuchsia. How was it possible that this prehistoric (almost) religious icon could POSSIBLY deliver the same message to the populace as the FSM? The answer is so ridiculously easy, you will fall over when I reveal it to you. Ready?
Touched by His what? Page 2
Christ was an original Pastafarian! Can you believe it? It's a little known fact, but spaghetti was a delicacy enjoyed by all. Well, by most people. Those with gluten allergies couldn't enjoy it. As a matter of fact, those with gluten allergies were considered heathens, and were “stoned to death.” Notice the quotations? They were stoned to death in the biblical sense (lol!). I have absolutely no idea how to tie this in so, uh...moving along. Anyway! It is completely OBVIOUS that Christianity was a precursor to the worship of the FSM.
Islam is another one of those religions that popped up in the early days. By early days, I mean any time before today. Apparently some guy was under a tree, had a dream about something, and then claimed he was a prophet. Now I'm not really sure how much water that theory holds, but I guess a lot of people bought into it, and it is now a religion. If you actually begin to study Islam, you will learn that there are quite a few interesting customs. If you go to the bathroom, you have to face a certain way! Now this was originally an issue, as there was no standard on which way ye olde crapper faced in the olden days, and the engineers of the day had quite the doozy figuring this one out. Eventually some fellow came up with the idea of installing a toilet seat on a rotating platform that could be spun in any required direction. This was all fine and dandy until people began to get dizzy from the spinning and feces would be flung everywhere. It was finally decided that people would assume they were facing the proper direction. I honestly don't even know what direction its supposed to be. I have a muslim friend, but I thought it would be too religiously insensitive to ask. So, this Islam thing basically says if you're a totally sweet cat here on Earth, that you get a ton of virgins in heaven. Hmm...this sounds almost like Pastafarian heaven. Back in the Dark Ages (they called it that because electricity hadn't been conjured yet) virgin was vernacular for stripper. The terms are no longer used interchangeably, but every stripper will undoubtedly claim to be a virgin...ipso facto, virgin meant stripper! Muslims don't drink beer (sadface for them) but if they could, I bet they could drain a beer volcano. See where I am going with this?
Touched by His what? Page 2 3/4
Unbeknownst to them, Muslims are all followers of the FSM! The correlation is clear and infallible. If one needs more persuasion, he need look no further than the Quran. There is a parable in the book called “A Thousand Camels”. If one were to read this parable, they might get some interesting insight into something about camels, but that's not what we are here for are we? Camels eat pasta. That's right, camels celebrate the body of His Noodly Goodness much like catholics at communion. Camels, Pasta, Midgets, FSM! The relation is clearly obvious...if you squint enough.
I was going to write something about Hinduism, but I have no experience to draw from, and while I am not above blatantly plagiarizing from the internet (who really is though?), I will furnish the below space with my thoughts on Hinduism.
Something, something, something...Hindus love the FSM. Its because of the beards. Seriously, look at the Sikh Hindus. They have some SERIOUSLY bitching beards. Who else has SERIOUSLY bitching beards? Damn right, pirates. That, my friends, is science.
In closing, I submit to the reader this question: In light of the evidenced presented to you, how can you argue against not only the inclusion of Pastafarianism as a recognized religion, but the fact the Pastafarianism gave rise to every modern day religion?