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FSM Begins Rapture In The Northeast

Published October 26th, 2012 by Bobby Henderson

rapture

Too bad I live in Vancouver, I was hoping to be one of the first to feel the pull of the Holy Tentacles.

Even in name, a contradiction,

Christian

Strong evidence of the FSM’s presence for sure, but I think it’s hasty to refer to this as Rapture. Perhaps He is there for protection?  Have any Easterners felt the Touch of His Noodly Appendage?



50 Responses to “FSM Begins Rapture In The Northeast”

  1. The 13th Doctor says:

    SAVE YOUR SOULS! ITS NOT TOO LATE TO REPENT!

    • Inge says:

      Yes, it is about time to bring this study up again and thus implore everybody to become a pirate:

      http://www.scq.ubc.ca/piracy-as-a-preventor-of-tropical-cyclones/

    • TiltedHorizon says:

      Yes! Save your souls! That is why you must believe in god. Not because doing ‘right’ is the right thing to do, not because one becomes a better person, do it because your “soul” will be tortured for eternity by a loving creator for the sole crime of not believing in it and not for any actual crime.

      • TheFewTheProudTheMarinara says:

        I was told my the nuns in Catholic grade school that the primary punishment in hell was never getting to see god. Hell, I can’t see him NOW, so how bad can it be?

      • Alphy says:

        Yes, you are going to Hell. a literal fire burning hell for all eternity because you do not believe. Remember “He who does not believe is condemned already”. Never minded the fact that you might have lived a very virtuous life. Never mind that you might have been very charitable, merciful, loving or kind. You are going to hell because you don’t believe. And; if you do believe that will not be enough. You must believe as they, the fundies, the biblical literalists believe. If you don’t then you are not “a true christian” as fundies would say. God only accepts fundies as true Christians everyone else who is a believer is a believer in a “false religion” or going to hell for not believing at all. What a wonderful loving God fundies believe in to condemn a person to eternal damnation for not only not believing but believing in a religion that does not meet their bigoted approval.

  2. DylanSage777 says:

    It’s not our time yet
    chill

  3. Me says:

    Ignorant wit. I think the formal expression is half wit? I want to be accurate, but I don’t mean to offend. Although this website is supposed to be taken as an elaborate joke, it’s too ignorant to be funny. I am trying hard to laugh, and if it were about anything else, I mean truly this is too ignorant to find laughable. I’m straining and I can’t find it amusing, but I want to. It’s just hard to when you can see that these people think they are smart witting and really they are not that investigative.

    I can see perfectly well that you have jumped onto an agreement bandwagon without any research, to form a joke that people don’t have any logical proof for a God. That any proofs are just ridiculous projections of a God on things, from people who are nuts, and you are trying to illustrate that.

    But just because so many people are not able to prove it to you, doens’t mean it can’t exist. It’s the same also to say that just because you don’t understand something, it cannot be.

    Clearly you’re in it for the commercialism and attention seeking, but this is damaging because you are creating a stigma towards religion instead of looking into it to see for yourself. You are truly using people find to be lovely and helpful, that even keeps them from committing suicide, as a form of mockery, as if you have the solution, which is, to buy your product.

    I feel like the only thing to laugh at here is you. Not your idea, just you. your idea is a manifestation of the person you are. I’m talking about whoever the founder(s) of this church is.

    • Me says:

      excuse the typos, I’m not a great typist. thanks.

      • Randy says:

        Or a great thinker. But I’ll make a wish that the FSM will “bless” you nonetheless.

      • TerryDarc says:

        Here I got nearly to the end of your interminable post and thinking: this is really, really dull and not funny at all. This Me person does not understand, but then you showed that, yes, you do understand, writing – “you are creating a stigma towards religion instead of looking into it to see for yourself”.

        We came. We looked. We said, screw all this.

        Peace be upon you.

    • TiltedHorizon says:

      “But just because so many people are not able to prove it to you, doens’t mean it can’t exist”

      Alien abductions, Bigfoot, Loch Ness Monster, Chupacabra, Demonic possession, Ghosts and haunted houses. These are just a small sample of what people believe in without an ability to prove it. I guess it is all true then?

      • Alphy says:

        It’s all a sign of the weak mindedness of the religiously ‘superior’. It goes along with virgin births, resurrection of the dead, rapture crap and a litany of other ‘miraculous’ crap. Rapture theory is part of that fundy school of thoutht called premillenial dispensationalism. It was created by John Nelson Darby who was rightfully declared to be a heretic.

      • The 13th Doctor says:

        Not exactly, what he said is that it doesn’t MEAN that it doesn’t exist. He is not saying that God definitely exists, he is saying that people not being able to prove it does not mean something can’t exist. Or, to make it simpler, he can’t prove that God exists, I can’t prove that he doesn’t exist.

        • TiltedHorizon says:

          I don’t see a plea for fairness, or a humble reminder to keep an open mind, “me” is attempting to assert an argument from ignorance. Just look at the framing of the follow-up:

          “It’s the same also to say that just because you don’t understand something, it cannot be.”

          So clearly our failure to find god stems from our “failing to understand”.

        • The 13th Doctor says:

          Valid points, all. However, I don’t think that “me” is trying to assert that god exists, but simply saying that we need to stop mocking religion. I hate to play Devil’s Advocate (or the FSM equivalent) but i do love to argue ;)

      • Larry says:

        We have strayed from the Hurricane Sandy topic.
        I want to suggest while considering the things too silly to believe, check out the New Testament for miracles.
        What is the first miracle? And the last miracle? The last Holy thing recorded is somebody getting bitten by a snake and surviving.
        Pretty weak stuff.

    • The 13th Doctor says:

      On the contrary, I feel like the only thing to laugh at here is YOU. You came to OUR website, read OUR posts, and then mock OUR prophet. If you want to make fun of us, do it on a christian blog. You will not get a warm welcome here.

    • TheFewTheProudTheMarinara says:

      The problem is not that majority which believes what they want and are able to leave others alone. Our mission is to counter the noisy minority who want to force their unfounded beliefs on everyone else. Want to teach religion as science? Now we come into the world of facts, and there are NONE to support any religion on earth.

      The COFSM is using people?? Prophet Bobby asks no tithe, nor does he live in a golden palace.

      • The 13th Doctor says:

        I have a friend who tried to force Christianity on me. I debated God’s existence, and matched my friend argument for argument. Seeing that he had no chance to win, he stated that me and several other friends were all going to hell and stormed off. Needless to say, he is no longer my friend. Now, let me come to my point, I have several friends who are Christian, and we are good friends. The one Christian who tried to force his beliefs on me is no longer associated with me. Why do you think that is?

        • The stranger says:

          If you can’t convert them, condemn them to a place of pain and suffering. Better than accepting logic.

        • TheFewTheProudTheMarinara says:

          When they run head-first into the brick wall of truth, the truly religious will run in the other direction. That’s why.

    • Atsap Revol says:

      So, Me, you ‘don’t mean to be offensive.” But you come here to our website, slather it with your personal beliefs, insult our Prophet, and call us ignorant. You are a typical Extremist Fundie who wishes to insert your beliefs into our schools and public places. We are here to hold back that movement through mockery or any other means that works. Yes, you are very offensive, but thank you for at least not resorting to the typical threat of eternal suffering and damnation conferred by your “LOVING” god on those who do not believe in your demented paradigm.

      Atsap Revol, “Just in it for the Commercialism and Attention”

      • Apprentice Frederic says:

        When evenings grow long and conversation flags, my wife and I have found a wonderful conversational pastime that I recommend to all Pastafarians: make and discuss a running list of all the “real” – as opposed to professed – Christians you know. We are up to about 14 at present. The liberating thing about this exercise is that – whether we are Christians or not, damned or saved, right or wrong – we know as well as anyone what Christianity’s nominal standards actually are, and can legitimately consider whether, say, “me” or “Big Guy” or the Bishop of Lower Slobbovia actually make the grade. I do believe that such an exercise is far more stimulating and valuable than debating the validity of any given lunatic’s delusions. Much as I agree with you, Atsap!!!!

    • Dave Y. says:

      “But just because so many people are not able to prove it to you, doens’t mean it can’t exist. It’s the same also to say that just because you don’t understand something, it cannot be.”

      you seem to use the same explanation we give to Bible Thumpers about “evolution”!

      So it seems you agree with the Atheist way of Thought, just not the FACT that you are the one that can prove Nothing at all!

      Just because you refuse to use LOGIC and refer back to Emotional response as a gauge on Reality doesn’t make “God ” real!

      the TRUE definition of ” Belief” is Pretending that Pretending is something more then Pretending!
      Making BELIEVE doesn’t make something real!

      you should also KNow that the idea of beleiving making something become reality is completely based on “Roman Paganism”, that was their BEST form of Magic as far as they were concerned, aqnd that was Constantines’ test when he had his troops draw a cross on their shields and “PRAY” to Jesus so they could win their Battle! this just proves that when a fighting unit fights as one people they are more likely to succeed!
      You need to do some resaerch on the inventor of Christianity, and his name was Emperor Constantine, don’t be to surprised by what you find and when you question your Priest or Preacher about what you found and they have no idea what your talking about, you see, Reality has nothing to do with Beleif, and Belief has Nothing to do with Reality.

  4. Inge says:

    @ ME: I think all fellow Pastafarians agree that Religion is a helpful thing for all those who need fixed rules and the surety that if they only stay on the marked road, there is going to be bliss for them at the end.
    Those are the people who do not do good deeds without a reward (they are going to get in in Heaven) and will not stay out of trouble unless you threaten them with purgatory or hell. Here we have a children’s game where you blindfold a child, send him in search of a “goody” and tell him left or right. It is called “Blinde Kuh” Need I to point out the similarities?
    So far, so pityful, so true.
    The acceptable limit is reached when beliefs (like in the Kansas School System) are replacing proof as a teaching.
    Nobody – and I mean NOBODY here is denying anybody else his way of thinking. Nobody is denying one’s right to be the blind cow. Only thing is: We want to be left out of the game and we prettyplease would like our children to be left alone.

    • The 13th Doctor says:

      Well said. This is what the Church of the FSM stands for, not making fun of religion.

      • The stranger says:

        Very well put sir. Time lords are always so well spoken.

        • The 13th Doctor says:

          Im looking for another companion, anyone interested?

    • Alphy says:

      What? You don’t want to be raptured up into the clouds to be with geezuz? We fundies teach yer childrin our shit so they don’t have to eat da librels poop an in up go-in to hell. Come join our band of boop agind cristins!

    • Touched by O' Noodily One says:

      “Religion is a helpful thing for all those who need fixed rules and the surety that if they stay on the marked road, there is going to be bliss for them at the end.”

      If one wants fixed rules for living their lives, then religion is certainly the last place to look. The moral “road” layed out in the bible is one of terrible discrimination, injustice and homophobia (to name some of its more appealing qualities). A book that dedicates a commandment to “thou shalt not kill,” and an entire book to instruction as to the murder of homosexuals, anyone who works on the Sabbath and the execution of children who disobey their parents should in no way be used as a guide for living one’s life.
      Instead, would it not be better to live your life based on rules that are moral, fair and actually relevant to your life, and not from a iron age collection of desert fairytales?
      Also, I find it a highly immoral act to make someone believe in a false paradise that lies after their death. This is how Christian preachers and apologists justify genocide and slaughter simply to make their religion seem less like a repulsive terror to the progress of humanity.
      I personally prefer to enjoy the wonder of life as I experience it, and the moral benefits I receive simply by doing good deeds.

  5. Brian Fritzen says:

    I live right in His path of rapturous delight. Not only will his Noodlyness descend upon me and my neighbors in all his noodly goodness, but he has also brought a cold front straight in from the west as a frozen dessert.

    Can he be more wise?

  6. TiltedHorizon says:

    His noodly appendages are sweeping through my trees, obviously attempting to still their sway and keep them rooted during the gusts. May his Noodlyness keep us safe while ‘Sandy’ does her worst.

    Ramen!

  7. Martha the Irrepressible says:

    Remember my sister Amy? They’ve moved to a different house–about 12 miles from the Connecticut coast. Amy’s working at the hospital and staying overnight there; Beth and the boxer are hunkered down for the duration.

    • The 13th Doctor says:

      Not sure if spambot, or just wrong chat box.

      • Inge says:

        Probably. Phew, if you North Americans will suffer for your sins, it’s probably not for the religious kind, but for not signing the Kyoto (0.8 Centigrades higher everage temperature does obviously make a lot of difference in storm formation) and building quite a fiew nuclear power plants flush in the middle of the Marian earth fissure.
        Hopefully I am dead wrong…..
        And I am NOT gloating. Here we are in the process of turning off all our nuclear power plants while sitting inbetween antique unsafe ones from the border of France to the border of Tchecoslovakia and each ship in Hamburg Harbour blows dirt equating a medium German City.

        • Brian Fritzen says:

          Ah, the tyranny of the majority. Not all of us believe as right winged radicals do. They have duped entire sections of the population into believing that science is an opinion!!!

  8. Forrest Cornfield says:

    May His Noodlyness spare us believers in Ohio from his awesome wrath.

    New York and New Jersey have obviously offended our prophet with their anti-piracy actvities. Pray that his noodly appendages spare them further flagellation. Amen

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