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A (Recovered, Historically Accurate) Tale of the FSM

Published July 6th, 2011 by Bobby Henderson

The ship tossed around the open sea, as the pirate crew spun franticly.
“OH LORD, WHAT HAVE WE DONE TO UPSET THEE!?” They cried in utter misery.  But alas it was to late, the followers had met their fate.

Although all stressed, they would confess that they knew this mess, was their own fault.  If they wished to be caressed, by his noodlieness, then why did they do less than expected?

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They always dressed in pirate attire and blessed their meatballs before they chewed.
But the pirate’s mistakes were in their fates as soon as they entered the temple.
In the town of Noodliopia, the holiest utopia, where only Pastafarians roamed, was a lovely old man, his hair neatly combed, who was the meatball messiah.

In all of their greed the pirates agreed, that Noodliopia had much potential.
They schemed and gleamed as they cleaned their swords, ready to raid the temple.
Although in a rush, they came in a hush, not wanting to wake Captain Jones Eliah (the meatball messiah).

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Soon they had reached, the place they would breach and started to enter the temple.
But then out of nowhere, they heard a loud screech as if there was water boiling over.
They looked up to the sky as hot water rained down and the town was covered with meatballs.

The people ran out and Eliah did shout “Alas you ass, you have woken the lord!”
The Flying Spaghetti monster came down in a whirl and banished all of the pirates.
He sent them out far on a horrible quest to find the biggest octopus (It was never found).

Then Captain Eliah, the meatball messiah pleaded to thee “You have touched me with your noodly appendage, let you do so to our dwelling.  We need some protection and thou art our leader, so please save us now.”

The Lord was wise and did rise to muster his strength, and with all his great power, he lifted the tower, that was engraved with scriptures.

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He lifted the temple and the homes of the followers and moved them to a safe place.
Now Captain Eliah, the meatball messiah, and all of his most loyal companions, live somewhere safe, to carry the faith, of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

Rewritten (originally written thousands of years ago) by Sammy, (13 years old from California)



131 Responses to “A (Recovered, Historically Accurate) Tale of the FSM”

  1. Alison says:

    This whole spagetti monstr thinmg is just shit. If you relly belive in this crap then I feel sorry for you. May the Mother Fucker, Son of a Bich who started this die wondering why the hell he did this. This is a waste of time! Get over it people! Only the dead know why or how this planet was created. So just live each day like theres no tomarrow. And everything will play out just the way it was supposed to. We are just hummans. Some of us may be sicentis, or Ferenst Anrtoplogist. But that is be side the fucking piont! Let me just say that this thing is a waist of time!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck all who follow the Flying Spagetti Monster!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Omnipotent Zombie says:

      Try not to be so obvious while trolling.

    • TiltedHorizon says:

      Wow. I feel sorry for you Alison. Not because you seem to be angry and joyless but because you cannot spell to save your life. The inability to articulate ideas means any point you try to make will be hobbled and subsequently humbled by how poorly it’s presented.

      • wulff says:

        I agree, TH. It is truly sad that there are so many uneducated people out there these days. Alison may perhaps be able to present a coherent argument if she weren’t in the grip of an apparently psychotic rage, but nobody will ever know it because she can’t type for shit. What the hell is a ‘Ferenst Antroplogist’ anyway?

        • Keith says:

          My guess, and I may be wide of the mark, is forensic anthropologist. I don’t recall any episode of “Time Team” ever commenting on the reality, or otherwise, of religion. I would not consider arkeologists to be forensic anthropologists.

        • Ferenst Anrtoplogist says:

          KEITH

          No, we are not Anthropoligists! Ferenst Anrtoplogist is a special field of Anrtoplogy. We Ferenst Anrtoplogists are dedicated to our work, and we strive to make this fucking piont over-and-over. Probably your local university has a Department of Anrtoplogy; I suggest that you stop by their and get breefed on the goles of my profeshun.

          Ferenst Anrtoplogist, B.S., M.S., and Ph.D. in Anrtoplogy

        • Keith says:

          Well, being a fantastic anthropothogist I tend to ignore other professions and live in a world of my own.

    • Ferenst Anrtoplogist says:

      Dear Alison,

      I want to inform you that I am not “be side the fucking piont.” I am well ahead of the fucking piont. There has been much hatred directed at the profession of Ferenst Anrtoplogy in recent years by uninformed people like you. Ferenst Anrtoplogy is dirtywork, but someone has to do it! I hope I’ve made my fucking piont.

      With love
      FA

    • Drained and Washed Clean says:

      Your parents should be punished for releasing an idiot who cannot reason into the world…

    • Specile Sicentis says:

      Alison,

      Like Ferenst Anrtoplogist, I am convcrnd that nott only migt that perfesion be be side the piont, but that yiou may think Specile Sicents may be copleteely mising it. I’m not a Son of a Bich hoever, so I woont get angrey, but I don’t wannt to be waisting my time in a feild of sicents that mises the piont copleteely. Tomarrow, I wilkl look at my cereer chioce, and maybe find feild of sicents that is moor reventalt to the piont.

      • Ferenst Anrtoplogist says:

        Dear Specile Sicentis,

        Like you, Alison’s thoughtful communication has inspired me to take a close look at my chosen profession. She made several good pionts. Not wishing to be branded a Mother Fucker, Son of a Bich like the person who started this, I’ve decided to just live each day like theres no tomarrow and convert to Christianity.

        Mutually,
        Ferenst Anrtoplogist, Former Pastafarian

        • Specile Sicentis says:

          Ferenst

          As a fellow sicentis, I have to put the spell check on to address you. Unlike the field of Ferenst Anrtoplogy, Specile Sicents doesn’t cause a conflict in my mind about the humman relationship with religion. Tomarrow, I will be able to go out in the field and practice specile sicents, and following your good lead, drawing inspiration from Alison’s enlightening missive, convert to Christianity too!

          My piont is, my lazy brand of sicents doesn’t challenge the wonders of the Lard! No, I don’t feel like a Son of a Bich about this, their is no piont going back, I am humman and I have reconciled my decision.

        • Son of a Bich says:

          Here I am minding my own buisness, sucking the marrow out of a tomato (aka tomarrow) and lunching on hummans on pita bread and I get branded! Made me so mad I drank THREE pionts of beer to calm down.

      • Ferenst Anrtoplogist says:

        Dear Specile Sicents,

        Praise the Lard! Youve maid a wize descission to convurt to Christianity. As you are praktising you’re special brand of Sicents, youll inflooence many yuong people to follow you’re leed and become Christians. What a nobel goal you hav set for yoursefl. You are way ahead of the fucking piont. No won can ever call you a Mother Fucker or a Son of a Bich for the wunderful life you hav underteken.

        Bless Alison for her inspiering message. I will pray for her dayly.

        Best Reegrds
        Ferenst Anrtoplogist

    • Beatrice says:

      Ok, I’m a sicentis. So what? I’m just a humman like you.
      I belive my tomarrow won’t be a waist of time if I’m dead and I know why or how this planet was created.

      Please now, select one from this list.

      http://www.yellowpages.com/ny/psychiatry?g=NY

      • Ferenst Anrtoplogist says:

        Good for you BEATRICE, we sicentis must stik together. What is you’re speshul feeld of sicense? Are you a bliogolgist or a fizzicist? You ar write, you’re tomarrow will not be waisted when you get to find out why and how this planet was created. If you can arange to be reincranated, you can teach Creashunism and Intelligunt Desine in science classes.

        Blessings,
        Ferenst Anrtoplogist, The Christian Mishunary Anrtoplogist

    • Roam says:

      that is not nice..

    • bear says:

      unappreciative, poor speller of words. Please reconsider your post and maybe learn enough about the internet to send me an email.
      - signed bearunterground

    • Time says:

      Alison, that was not nice to point out my waist just because I am slightly overweight does not mean you have to go around calling everything a waist of time.

      • Thinmg says:

        noone cerez uboud yur waist, buut oll doze exelcaumaeshun marx r a waist uv time, so stopp gon on uboud waists uv time, alison.

    • Andrew The noodly pirate XD says:

      Its sapposed to be a parody religion. If you take this religion seriously, as a real religion, then youre a fucking idiot. KAY BYEE! ^.^

  2. Ali says:

    I think that this whole thing is pretty funny.

  3. Ali Son says:

    Don’t talk to my mom like that!

  4. Swedish Church of the FSM says:

    Men like the Big Guy will probably never be picked up by the holy pasta strainer in the end of times, but will be left cooking for all eternity.
    Never to be drenched in the holy sauce and gently laid to rest with his noodleness holy meatballs, and thereafter be plated into his heaven with love.

    We should all feel sorry for him and his likes, and direct more of our prayers to the saucy one, to save even their lost souls when the eternity comes to an end and the blessed timer rings…

  5. Ferenst Anrtoplogist says:

    Dear Alison,

    I was hoping for a reply to my message of July 19th. Perhaps I failed to make the fucking piont that I intended to make. But bless your pionted little head, I know that you are busy studying the fallacies of Ferenst Anrtoplogical research. As sicentis, we Ferenst Anrtoplogists are only humman, and we do make mistakes, but we are not waisting our time.

    Maybe you will favor me with a reply tomarrow.

    Lovingly,
    Ferenst Anrtoplogist, B.S., M.S., and Ph.D. in Anrtoplogy

    • Ferenst Anrtoplogist says:

      Dear Alison,

      I was so hoping to hear from you. You didn’t reply, but I want you to know that I have forsaken my evil studies in the field of Ferenst Anrtoplogy and converted to Christianity. Thank you for helping me see the error of my ways. You made some good fucking pionts. I look forward to death when I will at last know why and how this planet was created.

      Lovingly,
      Ferenst, Former Pastafarian Anrtoplogist

  6. Al (Dente) says:

    As a newly converted member of the church (recently blinded by the sauce on my way to a spaghetti supper at the local Knights of Columbus hall) I think ya should leave poor Allison to her own misery. Pickin on her for being stupid is not any nicer than her mis directed unenlightened rants to us in the church. Sure, there will be others who will rant and hate but the noodley one loves us all. My humble opinion is that we shouldn’t waist time on the likes of poor Allison but should band together tighter than a pan of mama’s lasagnia and help that poor stripper girl in a crisis of faith.

    • Ferenst Anrtoplogist says:

      ST. AL (DENTE),

      Don’t bee two hard on us peedants. I dont theink we ar, as you said in your post, WAISTING (sic) time on the likes uv poor Allison (she speled it with only one L, but wee sea you hav added a second L). But that is be side the fucking piont. Az a Ferenst Anrtoplogist, its my dooty to help all hummans lern how to spel and and kommunikate in at leest one langwidge.

      Yer tale of konvershun is tuching. You kan bee our Pastafarian St. Paul.

      With abiding luv,
      Ferenst Anrtoplogist

      • Thinmg says:

        doo nt frget dat eevun iv allison duz nt sea yur poests, et es stil funee too da rst uv uz hummans ent thinmgs.

        OH FSM IT IS SO HARD TO TYPE LIKE THAT!

  7. Jeff says:

    I truly dont think you all should be making lite of the piarate issue. Seeing as how their are real piarates out there now days and they are cauzing lots of troubles what with taking over peoples boats and stealing all there loots, it isnt no longer a funny thing to be making fun of. How would you feel if you were out fishing on your boat, catching lots of fish for youre dinner and along comes a big piarate boat filled up with a terrible gang of angry piarates who would beet you up and take all your fishes and then you would have no dinner?

    How would that make you feel? Huh?

    I hope you would just think about that and stop making jokes of the unhappy piarate issue that now playegs us as a society.

  8. Thinmg says:

    Alison, Iam ofendud dat u cald th spagetti monstr a thinmg, thinmg hav notng too doo wit thinmgs, thinmgs s’pert krysteeanitee an h8 th fsm.

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