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A (Recovered, Historically Accurate) Tale of the FSM

Published July 6th, 2011 by Bobby Henderson

The ship tossed around the open sea, as the pirate crew spun franticly.
“OH LORD, WHAT HAVE WE DONE TO UPSET THEE!?” They cried in utter misery.  But alas it was to late, the followers had met their fate.

Although all stressed, they would confess that they knew this mess, was their own fault.  If they wished to be caressed, by his noodlieness, then why did they do less than expected?

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They always dressed in pirate attire and blessed their meatballs before they chewed.
But the pirate’s mistakes were in their fates as soon as they entered the temple.
In the town of Noodliopia, the holiest utopia, where only Pastafarians roamed, was a lovely old man, his hair neatly combed, who was the meatball messiah.

In all of their greed the pirates agreed, that Noodliopia had much potential.
They schemed and gleamed as they cleaned their swords, ready to raid the temple.
Although in a rush, they came in a hush, not wanting to wake Captain Jones Eliah (the meatball messiah).

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Soon they had reached, the place they would breach and started to enter the temple.
But then out of nowhere, they heard a loud screech as if there was water boiling over.
They looked up to the sky as hot water rained down and the town was covered with meatballs.

The people ran out and Eliah did shout “Alas you ass, you have woken the lord!”
The Flying Spaghetti monster came down in a whirl and banished all of the pirates.
He sent them out far on a horrible quest to find the biggest octopus (It was never found).

Then Captain Eliah, the meatball messiah pleaded to thee “You have touched me with your noodly appendage, let you do so to our dwelling.  We need some protection and thou art our leader, so please save us now.”

The Lord was wise and did rise to muster his strength, and with all his great power, he lifted the tower, that was engraved with scriptures.

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He lifted the temple and the homes of the followers and moved them to a safe place.
Now Captain Eliah, the meatball messiah, and all of his most loyal companions, live somewhere safe, to carry the faith, of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

Rewritten (originally written thousands of years ago) by Sammy, (13 years old from California)



131 Responses to “A (Recovered, Historically Accurate) Tale of the FSM”

  1. SiverJohn17 says:

    @Big Guy
    Hey read my comment on Rebecca’s Speech and if you don’t accept that then come back and reply to this comment all of your problems with this site and I will be sure to reply something biblical (and I mean from the real Bible, and I will even use whatever version you would like) as proof to our cause. If you are a true Christian you should be put away by my first comment if you still feel the need to argue then I will put a case against you using the same book you claim as your guide and we will see how truly you follow what you say and from what I have seen, I think even Jesus would shake his head at you.

    • Big Guy says:

      silver john you’re no different then anybody else who wants to disparage me. Have it her because all you’re doing now is playing do this go here, homey don’t play that game. Don’t pretend to know what Jesus would do, hypocrite.

      Big Guy impostor you’re an AHOLE

      • SiverJohn17 says:

        @Big Guy
        Hey man I issued a challenge and you didn’t take it. You could of accepted it and then used the Bible to prove me wrong if I ever misquoted anything but you didn’t which makes me wonder are you afraid that what is in the Good Book won’t jive with what you believe and prove you a sham? If you believe other wise take up my challenge and I will show you what Jesus himself wrote.

        • Mal says:

          SilverJohn,

          Don’t hold your breath. You won’t get a real response. You’re better off just ignoring him.

          Mal

        • Big Guy says:

          Don’t need your bizarro utopian world of scripture to satisfy my huger for the truth. You need to disprove my efforts your empty accusations are tied to your spurious demands. The blind leading the BLIND…

          Good luck & God Bless you

          I have some admiration for your efforts but it is God’s plan for us that needs to be discussed in this site not my plans.

        • SiverJohn17 says:

          @Big Guy
          I am sorry to say this but you remind me of a friend of mine (except that he is a bit brighter), whom also denies the Bible but picks and chooses what he wants from it. Quite tragic anyways living off of only ideals. I see now that Mal is even more right than I had thought. There is no reason to even try to reason with you because you don’t go off of reason. You go off of your ideals and to heck with the rest. I feel sad you will never have even a shred of basis for your truth no matter how thin that shred. You are worthless in any true theologian debate and if you want to continue commenting on our site go ahead I am pretty sure it brings some amusement to those on here, but that is all you are, amusement. You can’t even claim the Bible, you can’t claim anything. With that last comment I believe your final nail has been struck and the coffin has been lowered as far as the last bit of reasoning I saw in you now dissipates. Then again I was being optimistic.
          On a closing note and a little bit more vicious, “If ignorance is bliss, then why aren’t more people happy?”-Thomas Jefferson. Why aren’t you happy Big Guy, is it because Jefferson is right?

        • COMMITTEE TO SQUELCH BIG GUY says:

          PLEASE, EVERYONE, DO NOT RESPOND TO BIG GUY. DO NOT EVEN CLICK DISLIKE. JUST SCROLL RIGHT THROUGH HIS NONSENSE AND MOVE ON.

          This is a way to turn him off and eventually get rid of him. He loves attention, and likes to feel that he’s important, probably because he lacks anything in his life other than his sick “missionary” zeal.

        • Keith says:

          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KY8iPJwztys

  2. Big Guy says:

    Silver John if you were an idealist or altruistic I’d be inclined to cut you some slack. But you appear to be neither just another critic with an audience. It’s not al about you God is bigger than both of us

    • Big Guy says:

      By God’s grace alone you are forgiven.
      Falling short of his grace nurtures positive conscience.
      Halleluiah Gods salvation is at hand.

    • COMMITTEE TO SQUELCH BIG GUY says:

      PLEASE DON’T RESPOND TO BIG GUY. DON’T EVEN CLICK DISLIKE. JUST SCROLL RIGHT THROUGH HIS ILLITERATE NONSENSE AND MOVE ON. DON’T BE TEMPTED TO RESPOND, NO MATTER HOW INANE OR INSULTING HIS POST MAY BE.

      He thinks he’s on a mission for God. Either he is putting us on, or he’s as mentally disturbed as he sounds. Either way, we’ve wasted enough time on this troll.

      • Big Guy says:

        @ committee of one;

        tag your it & by the way you are so en retard it’s Utopian.
        You honestly think you’re the first person to threaten me? Grow up I’m a Christian soldier fighting his godless enemies & you. Face it moron we live in a world of moral bankruptcy human failings tragedies & addictions. The world teeters on WW3, a financial meltdown or a near life extinction event is close. The devil controls of this world right now as the bible poignantly predicted so very long ago? “Evil flourishes when good men do nothing.” Today abortioncides, barn yard lifestyles seed pandemic STD contagions, the scourge of alcohol & drug addictions, God attacked by the politically correct. These are the reasons for consequences. Everything is not okay just because you want it. The Godless have reasons to attack religion. Today’s Christians are expected to capitulate to every vile damaging idea or lifestyle. Christ is taken out of Christmas and replaced with WalMart. God is taken out of schools and replaced with monkeys. An end to this blasphemous scourge is at hand behold Jesus said “father forgive them they know not what they do.” His salvation is at hand even for you committee of one.

        whine on that

        • COMMITTEE TO SQUELCH BIG GUY says:

          PLEASE IGNORE BIG GUY. CLICK DISLIKE TO TAKE HIS POST OFF THE SCREEN AND MOVE ON. DON’T GIVE HIM THE ATTENTION HE SEEKS. DON’T RESPOND, NO MATTER HOW INANE OR INSULTING HIS POSTS MAY BE.

          Big Guy is either putting us on, or he’s as mentally screwed up as he sounds. Either way, we’ve wasted too much time on this troll. Let’s reclaim our site.

  3. Big Guy says:

    God made this day just for you enjoy it people..

    He loves you

    • COMMITTEE TO SQUELCH BIG GUY says:

      PLEASE IGNORE BIG GUY. CLICK DISLIKE TO TAKE HIS POST OFF THE SCREEN AND MOVE ON. DON’T GIVE HIM THE ATTENTION HE SEEKS. DON’T RESPOND, YOUR RESPONSE IS WHAT HE’S HOPING FOR.

      Big Guy is either putting us on, or he’s as mentally screwed up as he sounds. Either way, we’ve wasted too much time on this troll. Let’s reclaim our site.

      • SiverJohn17 says:

        You do realize by doing this to everyone of his comments it is only encouraging him for the time being?

        • COMMITTEE TO SQUELCH BIG GUY says:

          @ SilverJohn

          We don’t agree. This committee consists of several Pastafarians, and our stance is to ignore him. Other approaches have been tried without result. An IP block is in the offing, we hope that will work, but meanwhile PLEASE IGNORE THE BG TROLL.

        • SiverJohn17 says:

          Yes ignoring him is the right way to do it but you aren’t ignoring him because every time he speaks you comment under it. It is like taking a child who acts out for attention, and every time they do something to get attention instead of simply ignoring them you point them out to the whole class, and say we will no longer pay any attention to him, there by paying attention to him.

        • COMMITTEE TO SQUELCH BIG GUY says:

          @ SilverJohn,

          As soon as nearly everyone ceases responding to BG, our committee will stop posting. We know whereof you speak, and we know that our extensive posting is irritating to Pastafarians, but be patient. All of us have had it with this moronic troll. You are correct, he feeds on responses like the attention whore that he is. Responses are already greatly diminished thanks to what is becoming a unified effort.

        • Big Guy says:

          Silver John the committee of non is a stupid person they can’t grasp the concept you’re presenting.

          You want to be a pirate but are just a land loving concrete pirate want to be. It’s like wearing a cowboy hat & Nike’s in the bubs. If you’re going to wear a cowboy hat at least wear cowboy boots and go riding once and awhile or I’ll put you and the committee of non in a time out.

          I believe I’m officially the most popular poster on this site bar non.

          God is winning

      • COMMITTEE TO SQUELCH BIG GUY says:

        PLEASE DO NOT RESPOND TO BIG GUY. CLICK DISLIKE TO TAKE HIS MEANINGLESS POST OFF THE SCREEN AND MOVE ON. DON’T GIVE HIM THE ATTENTION HE SEEKS.

        We will continue posting this message until responses to BG approach zero. We’re getting there. He eventually will tire of posting nonsense that no one reads. Be patient, we will reclaim our site.

        • justhereandlovingit says:

          I would have to agree with this. It seems like everything posted on here just turns into a pointless debate.
          Big Guy is trying to distract us from the Lord with his meaningless ramblings! And he is succeeding!!!
          We must fight the distraction!!! :)

          Ramen

  4. Encyclodpedia Brit says:

    @ The Commitee

    I kind of like that people are disliking though because I can scroll down without having to read his baffling tirades of stupidity. It just makes it easier for me to get to the good juicy bits of sanity from everyone else.

  5. Encyclodpedia Brit says:

    Ok. I have to tell you guys something amusing. Yesterday, I was sitting in the breakroom at work eating my lunch and studying my French homework, when someone changed out tv channel to a program called, “Father Albert”. It was the very first episode and is all about a priest who met a women and hid his relationship with her until the papparazzi got him kissing her on camera. And then what did he do? He married her, wrote a book, and got a talk show. (This is on Fox by the way, if anyone didn’t automatically assume that.) Then, he invited on people who have “lost” their faith because of death of loved ones, diseases, etc. So, he’s giving them advice and trying to lead them back to God and publicly humiliating them at the same time.

    I have never felt more uncomfortable watching a show in my life. It made it worse that I openly mocked how terrible the show is and I offended several of my Christian co-workers. Yet another reason they should watch their Jesus TV at home. If its on again today, I may have to change the channel and screw the reprecussions.

    Thanks for letting me vent. May the Sauce be with you.

    • TiltedHorizon says:

      I hear he has been dubbed ‘Father Oprah’. I have not seen the show nor do I have any intention of it, not due religious implications, just because I did not like Oprah either…..

  6. Encyclodpedia Brit says:

    It was on again in the break room today. He tackled teens with addictions.

    • Keith says:

      You mean literally? Isn’t there a law against using violence? :P

  7. Paul says:

    Wow this is an amazing piece to be able to find. I congratulate you Sammy for our gods noodles has touched down and landed on you. Finding these pieces is amazing to help show our history. It is obvious that it was always meant for you to find them. I hope pasta fills your life Sammy and our friends and family.

  8. Mat Wynne says:

    I think I have decipherd the FSM code from old, i shal post when all has been foretold.

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