649590 Views
131 Comments

A (Recovered, Historically Accurate) Tale of the FSM

Published July 6th, 2011 by Bobby Henderson

The ship tossed around the open sea, as the pirate crew spun franticly.
“OH LORD, WHAT HAVE WE DONE TO UPSET THEE!?” They cried in utter misery.  But alas it was to late, the followers had met their fate.

Although all stressed, they would confess that they knew this mess, was their own fault.  If they wished to be caressed, by his noodlieness, then why did they do less than expected?

image

They always dressed in pirate attire and blessed their meatballs before they chewed.
But the pirate’s mistakes were in their fates as soon as they entered the temple.
In the town of Noodliopia, the holiest utopia, where only Pastafarians roamed, was a lovely old man, his hair neatly combed, who was the meatball messiah.

In all of their greed the pirates agreed, that Noodliopia had much potential.
They schemed and gleamed as they cleaned their swords, ready to raid the temple.
Although in a rush, they came in a hush, not wanting to wake Captain Jones Eliah (the meatball messiah).

image

Soon they had reached, the place they would breach and started to enter the temple.
But then out of nowhere, they heard a loud screech as if there was water boiling over.
They looked up to the sky as hot water rained down and the town was covered with meatballs.

The people ran out and Eliah did shout “Alas you ass, you have woken the lord!”
The Flying Spaghetti monster came down in a whirl and banished all of the pirates.
He sent them out far on a horrible quest to find the biggest octopus (It was never found).

Then Captain Eliah, the meatball messiah pleaded to thee “You have touched me with your noodly appendage, let you do so to our dwelling.  We need some protection and thou art our leader, so please save us now.”

The Lord was wise and did rise to muster his strength, and with all his great power, he lifted the tower, that was engraved with scriptures.

image

He lifted the temple and the homes of the followers and moved them to a safe place.
Now Captain Eliah, the meatball messiah, and all of his most loyal companions, live somewhere safe, to carry the faith, of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

Rewritten (originally written thousands of years ago) by Sammy, (13 years old from California)



131 Responses to “A (Recovered, Historically Accurate) Tale of the FSM”

  1. connor ware says:

    i bless my meat balls three times before eating!

  2. tekHedd says:

    From the second picture, I begin to wonder if FSM is really just a distortion of primitive Sun Gods, but with a couple of very strange sunspots…

    I’m a bit confused about the meatball messiah, but I assume all will be made clear as I meditate on this over pasta.

  3. Big Guy says:

    Yod-Heh-Vav-Heh “Yahu,”"Yahu,”"Yahu,”Yod-Heh-Vav-Heh. Yod-Heh-Vav-Heh “Yahu,”"Yahu,”"Yahu,”Yod-Heh-Vav-Heh. Yod-Heh-Vav-Heh “Yahu,”"Yahu,”"Yahu,”Yod-Heh-Vav-Heh. Yod-Heh-Vav-Heh “Yahu,”"Yahu,”"Yahu,”Yod-Heh-Vav-Heh. “Yahu,”"Yahu,”"Yahu,”"Yahu,” Yod-Heh-Vav-Heh “Yahu,”"Yahu,”"Yahu,”"Yahu,” Yod-Heh-Vav-Heh
    “Yahu,”"Yahu,”"Yahu,”"Yahu,” Yod-Heh-Vav-Heh “Yahu,”"Yahu,”"Yahu,”"Yahu,” Yod-Heh-Vav-Heh Yod-Heh-Vav-Heh “Yahu,”"Yahu,”"Yahu,”Yod-Heh-Vav-Heh. “Yahu,”"Yahu,”"Yahu,”"Yahu,” Yod-Heh-Vav-Heh Yod-Heh-Vav-Heh “Yahu,”"Yahu,”"Yahu,”Yod-Heh-Vav-Heh. “Yahu,”"Yahu,”"Yahu,”"Yahu,” Yod-Heh-Vav-Heh etc…

  4. Big Guy says:

    I am Gods circumventer…

    • Big Guy says:

      Yes. I circumvent god.

  5. Keith says:

    Yawn-Heave -Blah-Heave, Yawn-Heave -Blah-Heave, Yawn-Heave -Blah-Heave, Yawn-Heave -Blah-Heave, Yawn-Heave -Blah-Heave, Yawn-Heave -Blah-Heave, Yawn-Heave -Blah-Heave, Yawn-Heave -Blah-Heave, Yawn-Heave -Blah-Heave, Yawn-Heave -Blah-Heave, Yawn-Heave -Blah-Heave, Yawn-Heave -Blah-Heave,
    Blech-Blech-Cheese-Cheese, Blech-Blech-Cheese-Cheese, Blech-Blech-Cheese-Cheese, Blech-Blech-Cheese-Cheese, Blech-Blech-Cheese-Cheese, Blech-Blech-Cheese-Cheese, What-Rot-Sneeze-Sneeze.

  6. Big Guy says:

    & TekHedd 81 percent of money went to children the name change is because of pressure from non Christian countries…the Godless people who ironically is where most of the work is done.

    • PastaPete says:

      Seriously? Are you so illiterate that you can’t even use punctuation? Well, actually, at this point no amount of correct punctuation could make your rants seem in the least bit coherent or thought out.

    • Big Guy says:

      As I was saying. The name change was because a christian group did not think helping children was a good idea unless they also beat the bible into their heads.

    • Big Guy says:

      Mah name is Big Guy

      i hate every1
      i beet my wang
      i beet my wife so she dont think im gay
      Yay Me!

      booyah! 140 IQ in your face! (drops the mic)

      • COMMITTEE TO SQUELCH BIG GUY says:

        PLEASE IGNORE BIG GUY. JUST SCROLL RIGHT THROUGH HIS ILLITERATE POSTS AND MOVE ON. DON’T BE TEMPTED TO RESPOND, NO MATTER HOW INANE OR INSULTING HIS POST MAY BE.

        We’ve wasted too much time on this silly troll. He’s an attention whore. If he stops getting reactions, he’ll eventually leave. Don’t feed his ego.

    • theFewtheProudtheMarinara says:

      “the Godless people who ironically is where most of the work is done”.
      Of course; the chief aim is not to help, but to convert.

  7. stylusmobilus says:

    More scripture is unearthed, and still the lost unbelievers maintain their blindness to the one True Monster.

  8. Big Guy says:

    Now if the main goal of Christian Children’s Fund weren’t predations, I mean, conversions, I wouldn’t be here whoring myself for them, right?
    As for name change, that is just one more example of Lying for Jebus, which in my hypocritical religion based off of the “ten commandments”, is absolutely welcomed and encouraged.
    May Jebus let me into Disney Land after I die.

    • Sparqz says:

      ahhh yes, and if only the main goal of 20% of the leaders of this christian group wasn’t to molest children I’d listen to you, unfortunately its the only job most disgraced priests can get.

Leave a Reply