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A (Recovered, Historically Accurate) Tale of the FSM

Published July 6th, 2011 by Bobby Henderson

The ship tossed around the open sea, as the pirate crew spun franticly.
“OH LORD, WHAT HAVE WE DONE TO UPSET THEE!?” They cried in utter misery.  But alas it was to late, the followers had met their fate.

Although all stressed, they would confess that they knew this mess, was their own fault.  If they wished to be caressed, by his noodlieness, then why did they do less than expected?

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They always dressed in pirate attire and blessed their meatballs before they chewed.
But the pirate’s mistakes were in their fates as soon as they entered the temple.
In the town of Noodliopia, the holiest utopia, where only Pastafarians roamed, was a lovely old man, his hair neatly combed, who was the meatball messiah.

In all of their greed the pirates agreed, that Noodliopia had much potential.
They schemed and gleamed as they cleaned their swords, ready to raid the temple.
Although in a rush, they came in a hush, not wanting to wake Captain Jones Eliah (the meatball messiah).

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Soon they had reached, the place they would breach and started to enter the temple.
But then out of nowhere, they heard a loud screech as if there was water boiling over.
They looked up to the sky as hot water rained down and the town was covered with meatballs.

The people ran out and Eliah did shout “Alas you ass, you have woken the lord!”
The Flying Spaghetti monster came down in a whirl and banished all of the pirates.
He sent them out far on a horrible quest to find the biggest octopus (It was never found).

Then Captain Eliah, the meatball messiah pleaded to thee “You have touched me with your noodly appendage, let you do so to our dwelling.  We need some protection and thou art our leader, so please save us now.”

The Lord was wise and did rise to muster his strength, and with all his great power, he lifted the tower, that was engraved with scriptures.

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He lifted the temple and the homes of the followers and moved them to a safe place.
Now Captain Eliah, the meatball messiah, and all of his most loyal companions, live somewhere safe, to carry the faith, of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

Rewritten (originally written thousands of years ago) by Sammy, (13 years old from California)



131 Responses to “A (Recovered, Historically Accurate) Tale of the FSM”

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  1. Thomas L. Nielsen says:

    PASTALUJAH, BROTHERS AND SISTERS!

    Carbolicious Blessings be upon Sammy for uncovering, translating, rewriting and making public this truly groundbreaking addition to our gospel. Yet more incontrovertible evidence that His Noodlyness is present in all things.

    Sammy: Welcome, we salute you, and may His blessing, pasta, meatballs and sauce be upon you.

    Regards & all, rAmen and Arrr.. (and an extra Arrr.. for Sammy),

    Thomas L. Nielsen
    Pastafarian Mission – “Converting The Heathens Since 2009″
    Luxembourg

  2. StJason says:

    Obviously heretical, as we all know that storms are caused by heating of the oceans, and in the age where pirate ships were, the ocean was positively chilly. (Indeed, many Pastafarian Intelligent Designers speculate that His True Will is to return things to an ice age. Much as spaghetti can be placed in the freezer and come out only He knows how much later, perfectly fine, so will the Earth, having been placed in His Great Deep Freeze, will emerge some time later, only speculated as The Time Of The Great Microwaving.)

    Had they been true pirates, there would have been no heating of the seas near where they were, and hence, no storm. Obviously either factually incorrect, or if allegorical, heretical. I say we scrutinize the finders of these writings very carefully for Ninjaish tendencies…

  3. Keith says:

    I for one commend Sammy for his efforts. As far as I am concerned these writings were inspired by His Noodliness and should not be subjected to scientific analysis. I am not normally one who accepts things without some evidence but in this case I believe every word of it.

    • Keith says:

      PS. I think the drawings are cute too.

      • Sparqz says:

        herehere! most cute drawings they where!

  4. TiltedHorizon says:

    Obviously there are some differing elements to this historical tale than we find in Modern Pastafarianism but that is OK. If Christianity can have separate factions and still consider themselves Christians then we can surely accept this tale as long as it worships the FSM or comparable complex carbohydrate deities. I wish this to be true so I can set aside differences with my 5 year old, a practicing MacCheezian.

    Ramen

  5. Orcodrilo says:

    Me and many others are working in the translation to spanish of this delicious history, but we are thorn between the literal translation, one that keeps the narrative core and one that says what we want to make of it.

    ¡Que el monstro de espagueti volador nos ayude!

    • Keith says:

      Since Spaniards are often associated with piracy (at least, they were when I was a kid in England) It would be entirely appropriate to do so. One can still read Homer in the English translation and appreciate its poetry and I’m certain you will be able to do justice to the Sammy Codex

      • Thomas L. Nielsen says:

        Did you ever see the opera that Gilbert & Sullivan co-authored with Agatha Christie? The title was “The Poirots of Penzance” if I remember correctly….

        Regards & all, rAmen and Arrr…..

        Thomas L. Nielsen
        Entertainment Weekly – Luxembourg Edition

        • Keith says:

          Oh that is a beauty! I just told it to my other half (who loves A/C & G&S) and he laughed himself into the kitchen to get a recovery snack.

      • TerryDarc says:

        For that horrid pun you very nearly got a thumbs down, brother Thomas?

  6. Big Guy says:

    How can any of you noodle heads live with yourselves? Your repugnant salacious attacks on Christians demonstrates the intolerant mean spirited evil people who hide in this site. Condoning childish homosexual aggression you’ve managed to sink deeper than even I thought you could. You are the lowest life on earth, you’re not even human.
    This site is a sick place where the worlds warped bizarre minds can search each other out because the real world will not have anything to do with you nut bars. But I will continue to post tirelessly to combat the devil worshiping sickos who use this site as there launching pad for their vile disgusting thoughts. Deep & dark is an evil mind, you must be troubled beyond belief.

    God help you all
    from the Christian warrior Big Guy

    • puppygoogoo says:

      How can any of you xtians live with yourselves? Your repugnant salacious attacks on the FSM demonstrates the intolerant mean spirited evil people who attack this site. Condoning childish homosexual aggression you’ve managed to sink deeper than even I thought you could. You are the lowest life on earth, you’re not even human.
      This site is an awesome place, unfortunately the worlds warped xtian minds can search each other out here because the real world will not have anything to do with them. But I will continue to post tirelessly to combat the xtian worshiping sickos who use this site as there launching pad for their vile disgusting thoughts. Deep & dark is an evil mind, you must be troubled beyond belief.

      FSM help you all
      from the FSM warrior Puppygoogoo

      • Big Guy says:

        3.1 billion & counting

        • puppygoogoo says:

          but not all “3.1 billion and counting” can agree on what xtianity is. Therefore its more like, lots of little groups that make up 3.1 billion. still not winning buddy.

          puppygoogoo

        • theFewtheProudtheMarinara says:

          Wow! Christianity gained over a billion overnight!! Still a minority, and the percentage of world population is shrinking.

        • beardlywoodchop says:

          If your counting is on par with your spelling there is an extremely good chance you’ve made some mistakes in that calculation

    • Randy says:

      “This site is a sick place”…..yet here you are.

      Sick? Well, I dunno, lets see….is there any torture on this site? NOPE. Is there anyone teaching children about the “lovingness” of crucifixion? NOPE (thank FSM). Is there anyone on here talking about making women property, stoning, slavery, eternal torture or any of the other “vile and disgusting thoughts” (your words BG) on this site which appear in the BY-bull? NOPE! I thank the FSM for that!

      I think it speaks to the kindness of Bobby that you have the opportunity to spew your hate towards us on our site. What x-tian site out there would allow the same opportunity for openness and free speech? IMHO you are doing a great disservice to your cause with your words. If you and the others like you were more “Christ-like” your religion may not be on the decline that it is.

      • Big Guy says:

        my mission

        • Drained and Washed Clean says:

          Really? Your mission is to hide behind a screen name on an internet website with a bunch of people who are smarter then you are and throwing random words strung together at them while never actually defending, explaining, or proving any proof of your word vomit? Oh, and to look so idiotic speaking of fairy tales like they are truth, threatening people, showing what a bigot you are in every area possible to be a bigot? Congratulations. You have achieved your mission, but possibly with opposite results. I read your posts, and I am more and more grateful that I am free of religion and having to associate with fake and bigoted people like you.

      • Drained and Washed Clean says:

        Sick more BECAUSE he is here would be a more proper assertion.

    • Sparqz says:

      I would like to take this time to point out your sad attempt at a religion is essentially a re=hash of a lot of older religions; you stole the Jewish god, your messiah is almost word-for-word Horus of Egypt invented by them a thousand years before your off-shoot, Christmas and Easter Taken from the Pagans. But of course yours must be right because it came after right?

  7. Insightful Ape says:

    Dear brethren in pasta,
    Here is something you may want to know about.
    A movie has been made that is trying to change the public perception of us, the non-believers. Some have called it “atheists’ Brokeback Mountain”. The name of the movie is “The Ledge”. Its director is Matthew Chapman, the great
    grandson of none other than the father of modern biology, Charles Darwin. This movie is going to be screened in NY an LA and if it has a good viewership, it will go nationwide. If you don’t live in those cities you can watch it on the producer’s website, right here:
    http://www.sundancenow.com/film/the-ledge/673
    It will cost you $10 but it is probably worth it. Partisanship aside, turns out it is a suspenseful psychological thriller. Remember, the more people see it, the more likely it will go nationwide.
    RAmen 

    • Big Guy says:

      change hell you need a complete rebuild from the ground up.

      spend the $ 10 bucks on a homeless person or sponsor a child through CCF
      money is better spent helping than hurting the world.

      Big Guy says

      • Captain Sofia says:

        Hmm… CCF, eh? I remember seeing those commercials from when I was a kid. Since you are a “devout Christian,” wanting to spread the word of your god, why are you touting an institution that Ministrywatch.com says is *not* a Christian group ( http://www.ministrywatch.com/pdf/MWDA_042704_CCF.pdf)? And I would prefer to donate my money to a local foodbank, clothing bank, or Senior’s Center. Which I do. So tell the truth, Biggie–do *you* try to help people in your own community, or do you just talk shit on an anonymous website?

        (I suspect it’s the latter.)

        Captain Sofia
        Lurking Pastafarian

        • tekHedd says:

          Incidentally, CCF changed their name to ChildFund International. But I wouldn’t expect BG to know this, because telling others piously to donate and doing it yourself are two different things.

          Hmm…charitynavigator.org gives them 2 (out of 4) stars, but this appears to be primarily because of lack of capacity, as they get 3 for efficiency. It’s not a bad charity, although I’m sure you can find better if you search. I’m a big fan of doctors without borders myself.

        • TiltedHorizon says:

          I give to the “Make a Wish Foundation” & the “Ronald McDonald House”. I have first hand experience with both, these charities are close to my heart.

          I tried in a former post to Explain CCF does not exist anymore (due to the name change) but that post has been lingering in ‘moderation’ hell for about a week, due I assume, to the links it included. Either way, if our resident troll actually donated as he eludes then he would know already. Seem lying comes easy to this Christian, no surprise.

        • Big Guy says:

          Lurking pasta sounds serialish.

        • Big Guy says:

          Tekhedd the site you quote is another anti religious bogus Wikipedia spin…what you didn’t say is The ChildFund Alliance includes the following members:
          Barnfonden (Sweden)
          BØRNEfonden (Denmark)
          ChildFund Australia
          ChildFund Ireland
          ChildFund Japan
          ChildFund New Zealand
          ChildFund International
          Christian Children’s Fund of Canada
          ChildFund Deutschland
          ChildFund Korea
          Taiwan Fund for Children and Families
          Un Enfant Par La Main (France)
          some countries still use Christian children fund

        • TerryDarc says:

          There’s a Doctors Without Borders show on Link TV. Same people that bring you Al Jazeera and many, many nice documentaries.

      • Drained and Washed Clean says:

        See, people work for their money so they can spend it on things that are enjoyable to them. Do you go to the movies? Perhaps out to eat? Maybe enjoy some PPV in the privacy of your mom’s basement? How are any of these things helping the world? Guess you better commit yourself to a monastery so that all your worldly possessions can go and help those less fortunate so that you are being a hypocrite. Oh wait… too late for that.

        You keep telling us to go and do good things with our lives (which we do, you just don’t want to think anyone other than your group of zombie worshipers can do good), yet it seems from the number of your posts, that you do nothing other than post here. You really must feel that you have failed at something else in life and are trying to make it up to god here. I know that you are doing this so you can go to Disneyland with pearly gates when you die, and it is really sad that you fear dying so much that you have to harass other people to gain brownie points to get there. Don’t kid yourself. You are not here for our benefit. You are here for yours.

        • beardlywoodchop says:

          No way lets build some more $30 million dollar churches!!!!

        • Drained and Washed Clean says:

          Which must include a supped up sound system, a huge screen, and a projector so they can make their lies bigger and louder.

        • COMMITTEE TO SQUELCH BIG GUY says:

          PLEASE DON’T RESPOND TO BIG GUY. JUST SCROLL RIGHT THROUGH HIS ILLITERATE POSTS AND MOVE ON. DON’T BE TEMPTED TO RESPOND, NO MATTER HOW INANE OR INSULTING HIS POST MAY BE.

          We’ve wasted too much time on this silly troll. He’s an attention whore. If he stops getting a reaction, he’ll eventually leave. Don’t feed his ego.

  8. connor ware says:

    pastafarianism is the best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XD

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