A (Recovered, Historically Accurate) Tale of the FSM

Published July 6th, 2011 by Bobby Henderson

The ship tossed around the open sea, as the pirate crew spun franticly.
“OH LORD, WHAT HAVE WE DONE TO UPSET THEE!?” They cried in utter misery.  But alas it was to late, the followers had met their fate.

Although all stressed, they would confess that they knew this mess, was their own fault.  If they wished to be caressed, by his noodlieness, then why did they do less than expected?


They always dressed in pirate attire and blessed their meatballs before they chewed.
But the pirate’s mistakes were in their fates as soon as they entered the temple.
In the town of Noodliopia, the holiest utopia, where only Pastafarians roamed, was a lovely old man, his hair neatly combed, who was the meatball messiah.

In all of their greed the pirates agreed, that Noodliopia had much potential.
They schemed and gleamed as they cleaned their swords, ready to raid the temple.
Although in a rush, they came in a hush, not wanting to wake Captain Jones Eliah (the meatball messiah).


Soon they had reached, the place they would breach and started to enter the temple.
But then out of nowhere, they heard a loud screech as if there was water boiling over.
They looked up to the sky as hot water rained down and the town was covered with meatballs.

The people ran out and Eliah did shout “Alas you ass, you have woken the lord!”
The Flying Spaghetti monster came down in a whirl and banished all of the pirates.
He sent them out far on a horrible quest to find the biggest octopus (It was never found).

Then Captain Eliah, the meatball messiah pleaded to thee “You have touched me with your noodly appendage, let you do so to our dwelling.  We need some protection and thou art our leader, so please save us now.”

The Lord was wise and did rise to muster his strength, and with all his great power, he lifted the tower, that was engraved with scriptures.


He lifted the temple and the homes of the followers and moved them to a safe place.
Now Captain Eliah, the meatball messiah, and all of his most loyal companions, live somewhere safe, to carry the faith, of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

Rewritten (originally written thousands of years ago) by Sammy, (13 years old from California)

131 Responses to “A (Recovered, Historically Accurate) Tale of the FSM”

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  1. Pk93AD says:

    Everybody knows im The best champion for kill all jesus, Hem cant stop me wif his illusinist chriss angel power, i fuk him with sword chris angel die for times befor i say sorry, why i not say earlier because he is bad man

    • Rev. Wulff says:

      Um, have you had the dosage on your meds checked lately? I think you’re due.

    • Ferenst Anrtplogist says:

      Pk93AD, gud gramer and speling you have acheeved. Rev Wulfff have no reason to be kritical. Specile Scicentis and i monitor posts on this sight. Only those that meat our hi standerds of lituracy are allowed to bee posted. You obveeusly have chriss angel power, your not just sum son of a bich. So get out there and kill all jesus, mohamed, and budda. Do it now, don’t weight until tomarrow.

      With luving thoghts,
      Feerenst Anrtplogist

      • TheFewTheProudTheMarinara says:

        omi hed hertz just reeding watt u rote. Purr haps the Rev is rite – medz have bin ignored oar abused.

  2. TiltedHorizon says:

    God also says that insects walk on all fours. Can you show me one?

  3. tekHedd says:

    God said a lot of things. In retrospect, the lies seem so transparent. But, I guess I just wanted to believe. Did he tell you he loved you, too?

  4. tekHedd says:

    I don’t want to get all political on you here, but I did click your link, and I feel someone should point this out:

    Flawed logic doesn’t make you likeable. Although I wouldn’t call the logic on this site flawed. I would call it “extremely flawed.” Do you really mean to tell me you don’t see why that’s complete BS? If so, then you are either a liar, extremely stupid, or grasping at straws.

  5. Keith says:

    All of the “proofs” and “arguments” that are on your link are simply the same tired old arguments from a tired old book of myth trotted out by everyone else who tries to “enlighten” us.

  6. Insightful Ape says:

    Prophet Mohammad (piss be upon him) said the same.

  7. theFewtheProudtheMarinara says:

    So, the Christian “arena of truth” is an old, rehashed collection of fables. Tell me Dave – who recorded all these wise sayings? There weren’t any tape recorders and most if not all the apostles were illiterate. And there wasn’t any scribe following them around, seeing as how Jesus left no trace in history aside from the BuyBull. So if it’s truth that will decide, I’ll stick with modern science and common sense, not words designed to fatten the coffers of a church.

  8. Midnight Rider says:

    How long are the ‘last days’ gonna last. I have been hearing this shit for 30 years.

  9. TiltedHorizon says:

    What is so flawed about it? God exists because a book, written by men, inspired by god, says he exists. As we all know, men don’t lie, and even if they lie, they would never lie about god. (As if money, authority, narcissism, and social control would ever inspire that things)

  10. Keith says:

    Apart from the ones whos legs “downtown dave” tears off just to prove a point.

  11. Big Guy says:

    once you go Islam ??

    stupid ass monkey man hows the jihad going?

  12. Drained and Washed Clean says:

    Disrespectful bigot, how is trying to bully your way into heaven going?

  13. Spammyboy says:

    Do you type everything you say into Google Translate and run it through 15 different languages in order to make it as unintelligible as possible?

  14. Thomas L. Nielsen says:

    @ Spammyboy:

    No need. Just use the Google Translate add-on that enables translation from English to Troll. Regrettably, we are still struggling to get the darn thing to do the Troll-to-English translation as well, but so far no luck.

    Regards & all, rAmen and Arrrr….

    Thomas L. Nielsen
    Human-Troll Communications Project

  15. tekHedd says:

    Many things about his link would be ridiculous if they weren’t taken seriously by the writer. It attempts to justify avoiding every aspect of a civil conversation and just turning it into a shouting match. For example, this sentence tries to avoid facing the burden of proof: “You no longer have to try to prove the existence of God, but only to inform professed ‘atheists’ that they already know God is there, God knows that they know, and He’s holding them accountable.”

    The web site attempts to enable mindless, stupid arguments that annoy people, or in other words, people like Big Guy. And is therefore quite offensive.

  16. TiltedHorizon says:

    I was being just a bit facetious with that post. On a serious note, it’s clear the author’s indent was to offer protection from logic & reason which could dispel ethereal concepts given honest contemplation. In a nutshell, don’t debate those pesky atheists, they could say something which makes sense.

  17. Keith says:

    Mankind as a whole has been hearing it for thousands of years. No doubt in neolithic times some Cro Magnon or Neanderthal would scream about the end of the world every time there was a violent thunderstorm or an eclipse.

  18. stylusmobilus says:

    Thinmgs, tek. God said a lot of thinmgs. Relly.

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