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On The Eve Of The Rapture

Published May 21st, 2011 by Bobby Henderson

. . . as i gazed upon the octopodes
consorting in the waves
i saw between their writhing toes
the one who us has saved.

-Alexis



81 Responses to “On The Eve Of The Rapture”

  1. Tom says:

    Does the FSM make anyone else hungry? I could sure go for some meatballs right about now.

    • Keith says:

      In short, Tom: yes. Ascending to heaven was very hard work and they don’t serve lunch there.

  2. Dave says:

    As a devout believer in the FSM, what is the churches position on me bringing a Jacuzzi at our apocalypse?

    • wulff says:

      Jacuzzis are welcome among the faithful, as they give us a place to drink our beer and ‘relax’ with the strippers.

  3. don says:

    Someone asked me if I was going to be raptured. I said I was going to at first, but decided to stay behind to water my nieghbor’s plants and feed thier fish.

  4. Big Guy says:

    Matthew 24:36-37:

    No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.

    It will happen soon are you saved?

    • threonin says:

      But it happened!
      Look who stayed behind!
      Guess my pool thermometer must have been holier than you!

      • Big Guy says:

        I knew this crazy pastor was blowing smoke up everybody’s ass… This is the problem with man and his desire for faith and a following. I don’t subscribe to any of it. I know god and I am saved this is my faith…I don;t need a man telling me to follow his interpretation of scripture…

        FSM aka bin Laden is dead & buried at sea…

        • Big Guy says:

          Bin Laden is dead, shot in the eye. Yes indeed, I know God. She’s about six feet tall with nice boobs and ass. If i wasn’t a homo, i’d go for Her.

        • Matiir says:

          can you bury someone at sea??

        • Thomas L. Nielsen says:

          @ Matiir:

          Yes, you can bury someone at sea. But it takes a lot of digging!

          Thomas L. Nielsen
          Pyratical Funerary Supply Emporium (AKA “Pails R’Us”)
          Luxembourg

    • wulff says:

      (trying AGAIN not to feed the troll, but…)

      So now you are saying that 3-in-1 goD is able to hide things from himselF? Does he suffer MPD?

    • threonin says:

      more proof that the rapture actually happened:
      http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/8578576.stm
      The volcano erupted shortly after midnight, that’s absolute proof and in no way coincidence!
      Sorry big guy, no salvation for you.

      • Arve Eriksson says:

        Gee, there’s ONE geological fart, and everyone goes off about the end of the world… It was even a day or two late! :-p

        Besides, it didn’t really smell all that bad, and is fast receding.

  5. Frog says:

    Not sure where to post a general question, although this is vaguely related to the apocalyps: Does FSM have it’s own calendar? The Western world’s calendar has days of the week named after pagan gods, months named after Roman emperors, and counts years since the birth of Jesus.

    Months could be renamed to kinds of pasta, days to kinds of sauce, and the years numbered from the creation of pasta a few thousand years ago.

    • threonin says:

      Sounds like a good idea!
      I’m all for it!

  6. Big Guy says:

    George H.W. Bush, as presidential nominee for the Republican party; 1987-AUG-27: “No, I don’t know that Atheists should be considered as citizens, nor should they be considered as patriots. This is one nation under God.”

    • wulff says:

      Yeah, according to Bush I, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson, our 2nd and 3rd Presidents, should not have been considered citizens.

      No wonder the Birthers have so much trouble with Obama…

      • Midnight Rider says:

        Actually, “One nation under God” is just part of the pledge of allegiance… not actually part of the Constitution. There is no recourse against someone if they do not “follow the pledge.” Therefore the pledge of allegiance is baloney. But the Constitution is the ‘law of the land’ about how we will treat each other. In the Bill of Rights, it states “Congress shall make no law respecting the establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof…”, and its provisions are protected by courts.

        The Bill of Rights does not state “America is one nation under God.” And so, it isn’t.

        So, George Bush can bite me. Politicians are full of shit anyway.

        • Midnight Rider says:

          How can we have “One Nation” if assholes like Bush seek to divide it by telling Atheists they are neither citizens nor patriots. Fuck Bush. His statement is self defeating. It promotes division, not unity.

        • TimmyAnn says:

          In fact it wasn’t even originally part of the Pledge of Allegiance. The “under god” part was added much later.

        • theFewtheProudtheMarinara says:

          Item number 2,347 why Dubya Bush is a complete and utter moron. Has that man been right ONCE in his whole life??

    • Randy says:

      Thanks Big Guy for giving me another reason to hate the bushes and everyone in that violent party of the stupid.

    • Big Guy says:

      H.W. was a great man. Here are some of his other quotes which show him in the right light.

      “It has been said by some cynic, maybe it was a former president, ‘If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog.’ Well, we took them literally — that advice — as you know. But I didn’t need that because I have Barbara Bush.” —in 1989

      “When I need a little advice about Saddam Hussein, I turn to country music.” – in 1991

      “Please just don’t look at the part of the glass, the part that is only less than half full.” –in 1991

      “I hope I stand for antibigotry, anti-Semitism, antiracism. This is what drives me.” – in 1988

      “I will never apologize for the United States of America. I don’t care what the facts are.” –in 1988

      “Fluency in English is something that I’m often not accused of.” -in 1989

      Truly a great man, my the Lard bless him. So says I, the real Big Man.

      • TimmyAnn says:

        Am I the only one who finds this two “Big Guy” bit a little confusing? (I am surprised the site even allows two people to use the same name.) I have to read some posts twice to figure out what it means because I don’t know which one posted it. Anyway, this one I like,

    • Pesto says:

      Nothing that numb-nuts hunk of redneck white-trash crap ever said is worth the breath it is spoken with or the paper it is printed on. He was a complete disgrace to this country. Being patriotic has nothing to do with belief in fairy tales, “big” guy!!

      Oh crap, I just fed the troll. A thousand lashes with a noodley appendage for me!

  7. Zuri says:

    Well, we’re all still here-guess they were crazy after all!
    To all of you, Ramen (or Amen)

  8. Big Guy says:

    God loves us so much. And he has filled the world with wonderful things so we can know how good he is.

    But wait a minute. Sometimes things aren’t so wonderful. People are mean to each other, and they hurt each other. Bad things happen.

    But that’s not how God wants things to be.

    That’s what sin does.

    Sin is when we do what we want, instead of what God wants. And when we do, bad things happen. Sin ruins things. Someone always gets hurt. Maybe not right away, but someone always gets hurt sometime. And it only gets worse and worse.

    But it’s not God’s fault, it’s ours.

    But bad things happen, and people think it’s God’s fault. They think God can’t be good if bad things happen. And then they can’t believe God loves us.

    That’s the terrible thing about sin. It keeps people away from God.

    That’s why God hates sin so much.

    Now, back in the days of Abraham, there were two cities named Sodom and Gomorrah. The people who lived there had turned away from God. They didn’t care about God. They didn’t care about doing what was good and right. In fact, they did just the opposite. They thought it was great fun to do what is wrong.

    Abraham had a nephew named Lot. Lot and his family lived in the city of Sodom. They cared about God, and tried to do what pleased him.

    Now, the evil in Sodom and Gomorrah was so bad that it was like a terrible, rotten smell that reached all the way up to heaven. And so God decided to put an end to it.

    Remember the three men who had visited Abraham and told him he was going to have a son? After they had gone on their way they came to a hill, and from that hill they could see the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. Remember, one of those men was God himself, and when he looked down on the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah from that hill, he knew it was time to get rid of the evil there. But he also decided he wouldn’t keep anything from Abraham. And so God went back and told Abraham what he was about to do.

    Abraham took a deep breath. He was about to argue with God!

    “What if there are some good people living there,” Abraham said. “If you destroy the city, they will die too. That wouldn’t be right.”

    So God said, “If you can find fifty good people there, I won’t destroy the city. I will save the whole city for the sake of the fifty good people.”

    Abraham took another deep breath, “You are God, and I am just a man,” he said, “And you don’t have to listen to me at all. But,” he said, “what if there aren’t quite fifty good people living there? What if there are five less than fifty good people living there. Will you destroy the whole city just because of five people?”

    “If I find forty-five good people there,” God said, “I will not destroy the city.”

    Then Abraham said, “What if there are only forty good people there?”

    God said, “For the sake of forty, I will not do it.”

    Then Abraham said, “Please don’t be angry with me, Lord. But what if there are only thirty good people there?”

    God said, “I will not do it if I find thirty there.”

    Abraham took a deep breath again. “What if there are only twenty good people there?”

    And God said, “For the sake of twenty, I will not destroy it.”

    Then Abraham said, “Let me speak just one more time. Please don’t be angry with me. But what if there are only ten good people there?”

    God answered, “For the sake of even just ten good people, I will not destroy the city.”

    So God sent two angels to the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, to see if there were just ten good people there.

    Abraham’s nephew Lot met the two angels at the gate of the city. (The angels looked like ordinary men).

    Lot bowed to the ground. “Please come to my house and have dinner with us and stay the night.”

    The angels said, “No. We will spend the night in the city square.”

    Lot said, “No, please, come and stay with us.” Lot knew how evil the people in Sodom were, and that they would try to hurt the angels if the angels spent the night in the square.

    So the angels went to Lot’s house and Lot made dinner for them.

    Later that evening, in the dark of the night, the people of Sodom began to surround Lot’s house.

    “Lot! We want to meet your guests,” they shouted from outside the door. “Send them out so we can say hello.” But they were lying. They really wanted to have fun doing terrible things to Lot’s guests.

    Lot stepped outside the door to plead with his neighbors. “Please go away and leave us alone,” he said.

    But these evil people crowded all the more around Lot’s house. They were laughing and shouting horrible things. They pressed so hard against the house; they were about to break down the door.

    The angels reached out and pulled Lot back into the house and shut the door. Then they struck the men who were at the door with blindness so that they couldn’t find the door.

    Then the angels said to Lot, “You and your family must leave this place. God is about to destroy it!”

    So Lot went out to speak to the two young men who were going to marry his two daughters. He said to them, “We have to get out of this place, because the LORD is about to destroy the city!” But the young men thought he was joking.

    It was a long night.

    Early the next morning, in the pale light before the sun had risen, the angels said to Lot, “Hurry! Take your wife and your two daughters and leave this place, or you will die with everyone else!”

    But Lot was so afraid he couldn’t move. So the angels grabbed him by the hand, and they grabbed the hands of his wife and of his two daughters, and they led them out of the city. As soon as they were safely out of the city, one of the angels said, “Flee for your lives! Don’t look back, and don’t stop anywhere in the plain! Flee to the mountains or you will be swept away!”

    And then God rained fire onto the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah.

    Thick, black smoke filled the air like smoke from a fiery furnace.

    But Lot’s wife looked back – even though the angels warned her not to – and she was turned into a pillar of salt.

    And so God wiped out the sin of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. Sin is a terrible, terrible thing.

    But God saved Lot and his two daughters.

    • d says:

      Dude, you talk of god directly punishing sin, visibly acting as god, not by the “hand of his followers”. Since Sodom and Gomorrah there was a truckload of situations far, FAR worse than Sodom and Gomorrah, the bad guy generally on the winning side, and the lord doesn’t give a damn… pretty silly, don’t you think?

    • lolhoofd says:

      copying some stories that never hapend liek the bibel want s us to belive wont change our minds
      Ramen

    • Pirate Dan says:

      You left out the part where Lot offered his daughters to the crowd if they would leave his “guests” alone. Real moral folks, these “chosen of God”.

      • Encyclodpedia Brit says:

        What? Your parents never offered you up? you must not be a christian!

    • FootedBobcat says:

      Doesn’t Lot sin by having sex with his daughters though?

      • Big Guy says:

        You twisted noodle head, Lot would never do something so vile. He simply offered to whore his daughters to the sexually depraved mob as any good Christian should do. They are just women, worthless in the Lard’s merciful eyes, it’s their own fault really for not being born with (my pants are getting tight again) donkey dongs. Had they big sausages (oooohhhhh… wank, wank, wank) then Lot would have fought off the mob or tried to sneak the angels out the backdoor (oooooh Lardy! nearly busted on that one). But he was cursed with worthless women, whoring is all they are good fer.

        So says I, the real Big Man.

        • Big Guy says:

          impostor

        • Big Guy says:

          You are clearly the imposter for I am the real Big Man, HELP GOOGLE POLICE!

          Anyway, back on topic.

          Ephesians (5:22-23) clearly states, in no uncertain words:

          Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.

          There you have it, irrefutable proof a a woman’s role. This is why Lot could whore out his daughters, because woman are ‘less’ in the Lard’s benevolent eyes, Lot was clearly a good man.

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