You sicken me

Published April 16th, 2011 by Bobby Henderson

You sicken me with the fact that you now have my best friend believing in your stupid, sick, blasphemous crap you call a religion! I can tell you what it really is, BLASPHEMOUS, MADE DURING A DRUG BINGE, IDOLATRY THAT WILL HAVE YOU BURNING IN HELL OR ON THE TABLE AFTER THE LAST WAR!!!! I am furious about the fact that there is a religion DEVOTED to SIN OF ALL THINGS! If you don’t change you and all your followers will be in a special place in hell just for IDOL WORSHIPPING, SIN LOVERS LIKE YOURSELF!!! You disgust me and I hope you see the truth before it’s too late.



I need more information on this “special place” in hell you refer to – will there be cake? 



2,224 Responses to “You sicken me”

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  1. Carbonara says:

    There is something inherently wrong with creating laws that is impossible to obey and then punishing the ‘guilty’ for breaking them. The tenth commandment prohibits coveting your neighbour’s goods; house, possessions, slaves, ox, ass, (and somewhere down the list, his wife) so we can be convicted of thought crime. Now I have to confess to coveting a number of my friends’ wives from time to time but I would never dream of doing anything about it on the basis that it would be a betrayal of my wife, family and my friend. Still, guilty as charged, m’lud. These thoughts could even appear to me in my sleep so hellfire for me, for sure. But the most ridiculous of all is that my sins can be forgiven by someone else. So, if I murder my neighbour’s son then, according to certain religious teaching, it is possible for a third party to come along and tell me that I’m forgiven. All this without consulting the aggrieved parent. Vicarious redemption is an absurd notion as nobody can absolve me of my responsibility for what I have done. Furthermore, why should faith have more value than virtue? Being decent, honest and caring won’t get me into paradise but believing something based on bad evidence will, even if I had been a b*****d all my life.

    • The Sauceror says:

      Dear Carbonara, A-HA! I KNEW you were a pirate. If it looks like a pirate, it talks like a pirate, and it quacks like a pirate, it must be a Pastafarian. It appears that you “got” our religion. Welcome to church. Pasta.

      • Rasputin says:

        Dear Carbonara, greed is good. Appetite is good. Lust is good.
        The FSM in His noodly wisdom gave us primal urges so that we have something to aspire to. We enjoy satisfying our cravings. The FSM is delighted when we make ourselves happy.
        Eat as much as you want, providing you don’t become obese. Fornicate as much as you can, providing it’s with consenting adults. Drink beer but don’t allow it to become your master. Above all do no harm.
        Our religion is unique because we’re positively encouraged to have a good time. Being Jewish, Christian or Muslim is all about abstaining and being miserable.
        Party on, dudes!

  2. the sauceror says:

    ive noticed that the main spongebob characters each represent a “sin”. yay spongebob!

    • Rasputin says:

      I’d never noticed. Is one of the Spongebob characters a homosexual paedophile catholic priest who roofies altar boys before f*cking their backsides? I will watch the show with greater concentration in future. I don’t know how I missed it.

      • Keith says:

        I have known people who have just stopped short of admitting that they find Sandy in her bikini to be sexy.

        • Captain Birdseye says:

          Keith, I don’t stop short! At least, not when marooned.
          What about Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate? She could share my hammock anytime.

        • Keith says:

          Sorry. The only pirates in Spongebob that I know of are Patchy, Painty and a bunch of fish pirates. Best to stick to Sexy Sandy (unless she has bulked up for hibernation).

        • Captain Birdseye says:

          Keith, I incorrectly assumed that all Pastafarians had seen the Aarrrdman (Chicken Run?) claymation movie, ‘Pirates In An Adventure…’ If not, feast your eyes on every piratical pun available.

        • Keith says:

          Cap’n, Aye haven’t seen the Arrrdman animation that you speak of, so yaaars, I misunderstood what you waaar saying.

        • Captain Birdseye says:

          Keith, you have a joy in store: download immediately and open a keg of rum.

  3. the sauceror says:

    ive noticed that the trees in winter look like pasta monsters.

    • Flying Spaghetti Monster says:

      I embody all things, especially random, seemingly irrelevant ones.

      • The Flying Spaghetti Monster's left Meatball says:

        They may seem irrelevant but if you allow my meaty goodness to fill your soul, you will see the hidden workings of the cosmos.

        • The Sauceror says:

          Now I kinda want to know what the right meatball is thinking.

  4. Pastarrior says:

    I was just re-reading the original post, and cannot help but be fascinated by the reference “on the table after the last war”. I wonder if it is supposed to be a reference to the sacrificial Stone Table in Narnia? In which case, the author (to use the term loosely)would be trying to condemn what they perceive as an attack on Christianity by invoking imagery from a fantasy novel penned by a man seeking to define his faith away from mainstream Christianity.
    Conjoined with the reference to a special place in hell, which reminds me of Shepherd Book’s warnings in Firefly of the “special hell” reserved for pedophiles and those who talk during movies, I can’t help but wonder if the original author of the message was not a fantasy/sci-fi fan who totally missed the point of all the material they were watching?

    • Keith says:

      Dear Pastarrior: We asked Chance what he meant about the Table business but he did not deign to reply. Like you, our minds went into overdrive but I think he was probably having a religious version of Tourette’s syndrome.

    • Howard Botha says:

      I have been on this table of which you speak.unspeakable things were done to me and the worst part was that I loved every minute of it. I am so ashamed

      • Keith says:

        I don’t think I’ve seen that film yet.

        • Flying Spaghetti Monster says:

          I have.

  5. Borborygmus says:

    Methinks Chance would look smashing in an feathery hat and eyepatch,,,

  6. Rasputin says:

    Go to “Pornhub” and search “massage”. Some AMAZING things happen on tables.

  7. SPAM says:

    The spam will never end. As long as there is SPAM to eat in this world, I will continue to devour it.
    -P.S You should go to your local grocery store and purchase some SPAM.

  8. SPAM says:

    Here is a link if you wish to learn more about the origins of SPAM.

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