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Are you a retard?

Published February 3rd, 2011 by Bobby Henderson

I saw your retarded website and asked myself "why?" but then, there are a lot of crackheads in the world, and you seem to be one of the more insane ones. That is a joke website, right? Can you honestly tell yourself that you truly believe in this load of shit? Pasta is an inanimate food object. It cannot fly. It does not have eyes. It never was and never will be alive and breathing. For your own health, I ask you to stop whatever the hell you’re smoking.

-spf



425 Responses to “Are you a retard?”

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  1. Bosn_C_Otter says:

    Well I am assuming your Christian so I tell you what….

    I will stop believing in a pasta God… Easy to do as I never did.

    And you must also stop believing that…

    Snakes can talk….
    People lived to 900 years…
    They rode Dinosaurs…
    They could live in a whale…
    A burning bush can talk…
    a Donkey can talk….
    The Earth was created in 6 days…
    etc….

    • Rev Toni Rigatoni says:

      Donkeys CAN talk, watch Shrek, it’s every bit as convincing as any bible story!

  2. Cardinal Fang says:

    spf:

    Thank you for your interest in our religion.

    We do believe in this religion. We believe that our Noodly Lord is made from pasta and meatballs. However as another tenet of our faith is lax moral standards, we do not require you to believe this if you do not wish.

    May the Flying Spaghetti Monster touch you with His Noodly Appendage

    CF

  3. patrick says:

    smoke that ganja
    one love
    jah bless

  4. stylusmobilus says:

    “Pasta is an inanimate food object. It cannot fly. It does not have eyes. It never was and never will be alive and breathing….”

    My ancestor, great-great grandad I think, was an old pirate, his ship sailing the East Coast of North America, and sometimes the Carribean Islands and Western Africa. He passed down through my family, an old parchment, which by the Noodliness of the FSM I swear exists.

    …behold the trinity, the three, whaet durum, the beast, and water, that lay createth for everything. Durum that breathes and grows, strong ropes for His arms, life for He that made us. The beast, birds, fish, bovine, that blend together, wings, eyes, ears, flesh for His Hearty Meatballs. Pure water, salted, for He to boil for His Children’s Sins, He that….

    May You Be Touched By His Noodly Appendage.

    • Keith says:

      Well, that’s me convinced!

      • stylusmobilus says:

        Arrh. Dig through me cap’n's chest I shall, and be shipping the scroll to me hearties here at our Holy Church,

        May We All Be Touched By His Noodly Appendage!

  5. Reverend Marinara says:

    So, believing in flying pasta is evidence of drug use. If so, I can only wonder what kind of behavior believing in a magical Jewish zombie, that is God, but talks to God, etc. is evidence of?

    • G. Lweigamnik says:

      Schizophrenia. Severe, incurable, genetically-inherited schizophrenia. Ah, well; at least the guy’s got imagination, albeit one of a 5-year-old with his big purple imaginary friend made of invisible Mac ‘n’ Cheez, “Becawse yew awl awre not his fwiends and he won’t let yew see him untiw yew awre!” … If that makes sense.

      May the allmeaty FSM bless us with His never-ending supply of sauce, and because He is the only being fit for capitalization,
      R’Amen.

  6. Reverend Marinara says:

    Right, but burning bushes can talk……… Serpents can tempt……. Angels can fly…..

    • JamesL says:

      As I have said before, Moses was an old man and mistook the bush for the FSM drenched in red sauce. Another Pastafarian pointed out that a prankster could have stood behind the bush pretending to be this “god”.

  7. Theo says:

    Well. I believe it and that’s enough for me.
    There IS a Flying Spaghetti Monster, I mean, what are the chances that there is one? A bazillion to one? Good. So there could be one!
    Proof me that there isn’t one.

  8. Agnus says:

    Do you guys actually think there is a spaghetti monster!? I really hope this is a joke website or else all of you need to go see a doctor right now. There is no possible way there could be a living chunk of food that flies. Stop believing in this crap and go read the REAL bible!!! The one that God wrote!!!!

    • JamesL says:

      I love the bible. It’s a little rough on my ass though, and it doesn’t flush so easy.

    • plumberbob says:

      @ Agnus,

      Since I intend to ask you about an item for which ,”There is no Possible way…”, that is described in most commonly used bibles, please specify which is,”… the REAL bible!!! The one that God wrote!!!!”.

      Please explain the chemistry and physics of the growth of a handful of loaves and fishes to be a meal to feed a multitude with sufficient left over to fill the required number of baskets.

      Remember that your use of magic in your explanation also allows a Pastafarian use of magic to allow the FSM to fly.

      RAmen

    • Lalala says:

      Love the fact that Christians can’t tell whether this is a joke or not. It’s like unconsciously admitting that their own beliefs are just as ridiculous. Yes, this is a joke. Just like Jesus, Just like “God”. Figments of an overacting imagination, with the same standard of proof. Except, I think Pastafarianism has fewer contradictions, and less molestation.

      • Metal Head says:

        Ramen. Very well said.

    • TiltedHorizon says:

      If you bother to ask you may be surprised by how many of us have read the bible, some of us more than once. After I read all the perverse, barbaric, twisted, and downright scary examples of god’s love (twice) I vomited; completely emptied my stomach. This left me starved and weak, craving carbohydrates and protein, which is when his Noodliness found me, nourished me, saved me. I’ve not gone hungry since.

      It is not too late for you Agnus, you too can be saved, just read the bible, the real one. The same one the Vatican reads which empowers them to claim women priests are a crime against faith, worse than the pulpit pedophiles. The same one Fred Phelps beats on as his followers demonstrate god’s love at the funerals of fallen soldiers. The same one José Luis de Jesús Miranda reads to his flock as he convinces them that he is Jesus reborn. This is what happens when you start “believing in this crap and go read the REAL bible”.

      Thank FSM, my belly is full.

      Ramen

    • stylusmobilus says:

      Did you know that the paper in the Real Bible is crap for using as emergency rollie paper?

      RAmen!

    • Drained and Washed Clean says:

      Do you really think snakes can talk? Dark and light creatures can fly? You believe that the planet stopped for 24 hours and the atmosphere didn’t fly off? There is no possible way that zombies exist, people can levitate, a man built a boat large enough to fit every animal on the planet (which is in the hundreds of thousands if not millions), or that the entire planet even flooded.

      Your bible says many things which you choose to disregard: men should dominate women, as long as your family is compensated it is fine for a man to rape you, men can give their daughters to be raped by angry mobs, if we see a race or religion to be immoral it should just be destroyed, you should be willing to kill in the name of your god, and anyone who disagrees with you will suffer for eternity just for disagreeing (even if they are a good person and lived a better life than xians which seems to be the case a lot since xians make up most of the prison population)

      There is no historical value to your “real” bible. Exodus never happened, flood never happened, the slaughter of the innocents by Herod never happened, the books of Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, and Acts contradict each other which proves they are wrong.

      I have read your bible. Ours has just as much evidence. The bigger point is I understood your book. You obviously do not.

    • puppygoogoo says:

      Agnes,

      Thanks for your concern. I have a question for you and hope you dont take this the wrong way as im curious about how this works. If there was a ‘GOD’ and he contained 3 parts, the father, son and ghost, which part wrote the bible and how? Hope to hear soon.

      Puppygoogoo

    • G. Lweigamnik says:

      @Agnus

      Neither is there a possible way there could be an all-knowing, all-powerful, all-good, God that’s everywhere all at once, but 1/4 of the global population still believes in that ideology. So that gives me just as much right to say I was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster, Invisible Pink Unicorn, or as a product of evolution. However superior you think your religion may be, just remember that there a lot of other religions who make similar claims – so much, in fact, that I’m using the word “much” in place of “many”. Puts the “oneness” of it all into perspective, eh?

      Now, on a relatively unrelated topic, I JUST HAD RICOTTA CHEESE RAVIOLI, AND IT WAS AWESOME. PRAISE THE PASTA!

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