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Are you a retard?

Published February 3rd, 2011 by Bobby Henderson

I saw your retarded website and asked myself "why?" but then, there are a lot of crackheads in the world, and you seem to be one of the more insane ones. That is a joke website, right? Can you honestly tell yourself that you truly believe in this load of shit? Pasta is an inanimate food object. It cannot fly. It does not have eyes. It never was and never will be alive and breathing. For your own health, I ask you to stop whatever the hell you’re smoking.

-spf



425 Responses to “Are you a retard?”

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  1. Beatrice says:

    Dear Spitefully (abbreviated in -spf),
    A Joke? Are you serious?

    Just because you never saw pasta flying, it doesn’t mean it DOESN’T FLY!

    And it HAS EYES! The Flying Spaghetti Monster sees you every time (yes, even when you are in the bathroom and touch yourself!).

    For your own health, eat pasta.

    Beatrice

    • Keith says:

      The question of whether the FSM actually flies has been discussed before. Strictly speaking His Noodliness probably does not fly as he has no aerodynamic features and obviously doesn’t need them (unless the wings are invisible). At a guess I would say that he floats or hovers, probably through supernatural means. As pirates and migets had no knowledge of aerodynamics they naturally concluded that anything travelling through the air flies. If we take a handful of spaghetti and fling it horizontally, the spaghetti will describe a parabola but it is not flying. I don’t know if anyone has tried throwing His Noodliness but if anyone did HN would probably be too drunk to travel in a predictable pattern.

      • Sky says:

        http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Flying_Spaghetti_Monster

        The flying spaghetti monster has two main parts. The flying, and the spaghetti monster.

        “The Major Pastaer

        The Flying: This part of the Flying Spaghetti Monster gives it flight, allowing it to span infinite distances in infinitesimal spans of time. This part is irreducibly complex, hyper-real (see Weird Calculus), and cannot be broken down into components. Doing so – if it were even possible, and it isn’t – would incur the wrath of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. It is proven by this series of math-like squiggles: [see link above]

        The Spaghetti Monster: This is commonly recognized as the “body” of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and, unlike its other major counterpart, is composed of several smaller sections. These are called the Minor Pastaer.”

        • Atap Revol says:

          Thanks for providing that link, Sky. All New Pastafarians should peruse the material on that site. Of course the FSM flies! He is omnipotent and all-perfect, even when drunk. It took Clark Kent (Kal El) ten years to learn to fly in the TV series Smallville. In contrast, FSM has always had the ability to levitate.

          Atsap, The Devout Pastafarian

        • Sky says:

          No problem :)

      • PastaBob says:

        That’s just stoopid- of course he fly’s for he is Omnipotent, all knowing, benificient. and tasty- may sauce be upon him.

        RAMAN

    • Uno de Oviedo says:

      Ramen!!!

    • Steve Howerton says:

      Well stated Beatrice.
      Well stated indeed.

  2. Pawsrent says:

    He doesn’t need to breathe, and who’s to say that the true God isn’t the FSM? Do you have any acual proof that He isn’t?

  3. Brian says:

    “Flying” not only describes the aeronautical and levitational aspects of FSM, but also the incredible speeds at which He can perform any and all actions and/or functions. As In “Hot damn, that pasta’s really flying!”

  4. hugh says:

    when will people realise that the church of fsm was designed to be impossible to rationally discuss.

    • Buckwheat says:

      I’m tired of people saying our religion is just a thought experiment, a “joke that went too far” and stuff like that. It’s a real religion, followed by people who don’t want to harm anyone, just to live in the wheaty grace of the Noodly Appendage. Why is that so difficult to respect?

    • PastaBob says:

      I beg your pardon. Tis blasphemy- heresy and untasteful (may sauce be upon him) to say that our Holy Mother Church cannot be discussed rationally. Say 5 Hail Pasta’s and 7 Mother May I’s as your repentance for this transgression.

  5. Stalker says:

    if you cant appreciate the truth in this website and religion than i suggested you fuck off

  6. Audio Blood says:

    Gosh spf, could you be more insulting to your lord and drunken creator? He’s totally legit! I mean, there’s a book written about him! Don’t mind when it was written or by home, that isn’t important.

    If you don’t act nice you’ll have to wait in the longest line to fill your cup with the sweet hoppy brew of the Beer Volcano. And that, my friend, is truly hell.

    • Flippy says:

      Ramen!

  7. Woody says:

    I would like to point out that at one point it was alive in the following ways:
    as grain, as a cow, as tomatoes, etc.

  8. Alex says:

    Lets just do this.

    Prove it.

    Works for christians.

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