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Are you a retard?

Published February 3rd, 2011 by Bobby Henderson

I saw your retarded website and asked myself "why?" but then, there are a lot of crackheads in the world, and you seem to be one of the more insane ones. That is a joke website, right? Can you honestly tell yourself that you truly believe in this load of shit? Pasta is an inanimate food object. It cannot fly. It does not have eyes. It never was and never will be alive and breathing. For your own health, I ask you to stop whatever the hell you’re smoking.

-spf



426 Responses to “Are you a retard?”

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  1. N Kalanaga says:

    “It never was and never will be alive and breathing.”
    Sir(?):
    Pasta is made from ground grain. Grain is a plant. Plants are alive. It may not “breathe”, but it does use air, which requires some type of respiration.

    • Dave says:

      @N Kalanaga
      Your logic has once again convinced me that my belief and faith are justified!
      RAmen

    • Jimmy says:

      The only problem with your logic is the fact that the ground up grain is not only GROUND UP but also boiled. Even if the grain is alive when the process begins, it is slowly ground up into flour. That alone would kill this living being. Then the noodles are made. Then, to make spaghetti, you gotta stick the noodles in water and boil them. No living thing can survive being boiled for that long a time. There is absolutely no way that the grain would stay alive through this entire process. Your logic is flawed. It’s like saying that a human is still alive when they’re buried, or a pig is alive after it’s been slaughtered, butchered, and cooked by whoever bought its meat.

      I have noticed that this Flying Spaghetti Monster is kinda like Grilled Cheesus on Glee, and it humors me greatly.

      • Danimal says:

        Jimmy,
        Check out the Giant Tube Worm. Totally fine in water above 212.
        <3
        Danimal

      • Noodlity says:

        @Jimmy, you probably haven’t seen the famous historical painting “He boiled for your sins”. It appears the Flying Spagheti Monster is perfectly fine in boiling water.

        Just like a single cell is unlikely to survive on its own, yet is quite durable within a body, so His Noodly Appendages are quick to be consumed and easy to digest (not to mention delicious) when separated, yet invincible and all-powerful when a part of His Meatballed visage.

      • opiesysco says:

        You see Jimmy, that is the miracle of it all.
        Don’t ask questions, just believe.
        Of course nothing of this world could survive a process like this,
        but the FSM is not of this world, he made this world.
        rAmen and may His sauce be upon you.

      • Teddi says:

        So you’ve never heard of pasta resurrection?

        Just because someone or something is dead, it doesn’t mean they will stay dead.

        That is the first rule of religion (and zombies.)

      • stylusmobilus says:

        As flawed as the logic behind Jesus’ resurrection?

      • ItSaysSoinMYbible says:

        “It’s like saying that a human is still alive when they’re buried”

        I didn’t see anyone point out the irony, that this is the entire basis of Chritianity that Jimmy just contradicted.

        ItSaysSoinMYbible

      • Keith says:

        “No living thing can survive being boiled for that long a time.” Sun Wu Kong was boiled in a cauldron for far longer than it takes to boil spaghetti. He survived and was made stronger.

      • Hitbear says:

        Ground up. Boiled. Yet living.

        Behold the mystery and the miracle!

      • Alex B says:

        He bolied for our sins.

        • ThatInfidel says:

          RAmen!

  2. Ian says:

    I enjoy that people have not read the letter. It is enjoyable to watch bible thumping assholes leave a mean, hateful comment without actually knowing what it is about.

    • iconografer says:

      what else is to be expected from religionists?

      • Ravi Oli says:

        I’d describe myself as a born-again [and again] or better still, an on-again-off-again Pastafarian. I take or leave my Faith as I see fit, as I believe is His Noodliness Grand Intent. All zealots will fade in time into the Great Ambivalance awaiting the faithful and faithless alike.

        • cadbrowser says:

          Ahhh a backwashed believer huh? I was a backwashed believer, but now I am re-connected with his almighty appendage and his sauce has flowed upon me. R’Amen!

      • easykial says:

        i suppose that is exactly what to expect from a religionist?

    • Bobby Henderson says:

      Nothing about spf’s message showed he is religious. An asshole, yes. A “bible-thumping asshole” — don’t be so quick to judge.

      • SnuggyFu says:

        I think what Ian was referring to was the people that are leaving comments not reading the letter, not SPF himself.

    • cameo says:

      where does it even remotely suggest this guy is religious?
      I enjoy that people have not read the letter.

  3. Phyve says:

    … And snakes don’t talk or have ears… They never have, and they never will. They don’t have a voice-box, they don’t have ears and they sure as shit don’t have parietal-lobe. You know Christianity is a fake religion. Anybody believing that stuff is delusional.

    • Mr Cooper (all hail fsm) says:

      they can hear though

      • CopaceticMan says:

        After writing a short paragraph explaining why snakes don’t need to hear, and then looking it up… not a good use of my time…

        Yah they can hear. Their ear is not an ear in the same sense as the external appendage used to focus sound into the ear canal, but is in the sense that they have the equipment (inner ear, such as the device used to convert sound waves into chemical signals) buried inside their skull. It was thought that they could only pick up sounds through the ground, but it is now known that they can also hear noises made in the air. The skin and bones pick up the waves and transmit it to the inner ear.

        • JamesL says:

          You pedantic fucker! Honestly, thanks for the info. I thought snakes could always hear, but not well because they don’t have ears to refract the sound so as a result they were hard of hearing.

        • Phyve says:

          So you’re saying, because snakes have remnant ears and can “hear” some frequencies, this validates a “talking snake”… I mean, just so I’m clear.

        • Pastor De Grano Duro says:

          They can hear all right. I clicked my finger above a taipan in a cage at a snake display one day and the bastard reared like lightning. Scared the absolute crap out of me.

        • JamesL says:

          Sounds scary as fuck. I mean, it’s like if you’re REALLY hard of hearing but someone still shot a 44 magnum next to your ear. I mean, snakes would be used to hearing soft noises, and you were right next to his ear. Anyway, all taipans are poisonous, right? I think most, if not all varieties are.

        • Pastor De Grano Duro says:

          Yeah they rank in the top five, about third I think. I wouldn’t have gone near the thing had it been in the scrub. Then again I probably wouldn’t have seen it. I’m a student surveyor so I come across snakes all the time.

        • Keith says:

          As far as which is the most poisonous goes, it depends on who’s opinion you read. The Australian brown snake is supposed to be the third most poisonous (according to some) but it is not the third most dangerous. It’s venom delivery system is primitive due to limited competition (isolated environment), or, for all of you god botherers out there, your god forgot about Australia and neglected to fine tune them.

        • Mr Cooper (all hail fsm) says:

          Kieth
          snakes arnt posionous
          except for 2 species
          theyre venomous
          posoin is if its eaten
          venom is if its injected into the blood
          yes i know i cant spell

        • Keith says:

          Technically speaking you are probably correct. Having looked up the word venom in the nearest dictionary to hand (The Collins Paperback English Dictionary 1986) it gives the following description:
          “POISONOUS fluid secreted by such animals as snakes and scorpions and usually transmitted by a bite or a sting”

          One commonly hears of a “poisoned pen letter” or “his poisonous rage”. This does not mean that the user believes the pen or the rage to contain actual poison. The description of “poisonous” as applied to snakes is quite common and widely accepted, even by competent authorities. Here are just three publications from a Google search :

          http://www.booksandcollectibles.com.au/dump/Out_of_Print_Books/books-0011/10543.html

          Venom Yields in Australian POISONOUS Snakes: Farley, N.H. and Splatt, B 1929 Medical Journal of Australia.

          Nicoll, W. 1918a. Dolichopera macalpini n. sp. a trematode parasite of Australian POISONOUS snakes. Parasitology 10:
          290-293.

        • puppygoogoo says:

          One of the tests used to determine how toxic the venom of a snake is, is the LD50 test.
          http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Median_lethal_dose
          Australian snakes however didnt need to evolve as they found niche climates (Some cover most Australia) and evolved to suit those climates. With little/no competition in their respective environments they didnt need to evolve, hence the primative delivery system. Yes, im from Australia, yes i love snakes and yes ive almost been bitten by a few of them. Oh and no a dingo hasnt stolen my baby…..tic

  4. Insightful Ape says:

    See, Bobby. This is the kind of person you expect us to be nice too. They come to our church with no intention but to throw around insults. I simply think it is wrong not to respond in kind. I don’t walk into a church or mosque to tell the worshippers that a figment of their own imagination could not have created them. I wouldn’t be respected if I did. Why can’t the trolls understand this?
    As for “turn the other cheek”, it is not any more ethical, or practical, than all the nonsense in Leviticus. Jesus knew that all too well; he never led by example.

    • tekhedd says:

      This is indeed an excellent example of the kind of thing we are up against when trying to spread the relieving news of the FSM. (Relieving when compared to the “good news” of some other faiths, anyway…)

      This letter is just pointless shouting that makes no interesting points. There’s not even anything to make fun of or argue against. It is not interesting or thought-provoking. When you also consider that he completely misses the point of the web site, it is hard to avoid the conclusion that the author is unobservant and, well, possibly not very bright.

      So, exactly how are we supposed to respond? Politely? Nah. People like this should be “politely” invited to leave.

    • Bobby Henderson says:

      I responded to spf a few times and never got the sense he was religious, just a guy looking to pick a fight. These are not the messages I’m worried about. I’m not sure where all the anger is coming from on our side, though. Why is it so easy for him to rile us up?

      • Danimal says:

        Bobby,
        spf himself didn’t rile me up anymore than a single snow flake causes an avalanche. If a person encounters a lot of spf’s variety of ignorance in a day it can be frustrating. I frequent venganza.org because I want a place where I can stand up and be proud that I choose to seek rational answers to difficult questions instead of relying on blind faith. There are not a lot of places where I can feel comfortable taking that position but here I find so many others who are supportive and like minded in that aspect. When people like spf, steve of god, Maroun, et al come here and push against that I push back. I try to temper my responses and be respectful to the individual as a human being but I will not respect their ridiculous messages/arguments. If I wanted to be quiet and accept loads of BS there are a dozen faith based houses of worship within walking distance of me right now.

        Others here take a harder line than I choose to but when someone comes in slinging insults like spf and the response is to call them an asshole I don’t disagree. When someone claims that a man stuffed 2 (7?) of every animal on a boat for 40 days as fact and they are called an ignorant fool I don’t disagree. When someone says that people who don’t believe that 2000 years ago a man was killed and then 3 days later came back to life will burn in hell for eternity and someone responds by calling that person an arrogant prick I click that little green thumbs up.

        If the religious visitors to this website are so turned off by our comments what is their reaction to the original hate-mail? I really would like to see an e-mail posted where a Christian (or any religion, I’m just picking the one we see most often) says,

        “Hey sorry about this Steve of God guy, I’d hate to think he is the voice of our religion. I appreciate that religion and science each have their place so thanks for taking a stand in a humorous way. Love, Christian McChristianson.”

        I know people post similar things in the comments but let’s give that kind of stuff top billing. If letters like that existed in such numbers as to drown out the frothing hate-mail maybe this site would be more positive.

        That’s my two cents,
        Danimal

        • KnifeySpooney says:

          Personally, when I feel like debating against fundies, I go someplace where more of them are around so that they actually hear other sides of the argument. It doesn’t do me much (personal) good to tell spf he’s aside from the point since the amount of non-Pastafarians who read this site are minimal.

      • Insightful Ape says:

        Bobby,
        Atheophobia is a reality. We are the most reviled minority in the society. We are less popular than blacks, Jews, muslims, and gays. Even though there are most of us around than Jews and Muslims combined. We are the last minority it is politically correct to despise and insult.
        Your brilliant invention has gone a long way in protecting the teaching of good science. That is precisely we are so reviled. There is no shortage of people who feel threatened by dissent. Being polite and accomodating never got any minority the respect it deserved. If we hope to one day have a place at the table we have to make our presence known.
        RAmen
        PS I see that others beside me still remember Steven of god. He sure was one hell of a paranoid deslusion wacko.

      • Wench Melody (UK) says:

        Bobby, if it were just the sheer, monotonous “OMFSM, another idiot!” I think we pastafarians would be a bit less vehement about our responses, but is isn’t just that – it’s the mindless vitriol, the hysterically shrieking “I know what I believe, don’t try to confuse me with facts” type of mentality that is so frustrating. Couple all of that with the ranting, rabid threats, and it is, frankly, thoroughly distateful.

        And even that wouldn’t be so bad if these half-wits didn’t wield so much real power in society.

        Surely our mission is to educate. But even to begin educating people, they must be prepared to actually listen, a bit at least.

        Sometimes I despair about our species’ future.

        Mx

        • Bobby Henderson says:

          I know what you mean. I am conflicted about giving haters a voice and attention. In the beginning, hate-mail was just about entertainment but I’m not sure that’s true anymore. It’s a rare hate-mail where we don’t feel (rightly) offended enough to defend ourselves. What I worry about is that this place turns into another us vs. them forum – that’s not what I want, there are enough of those. There are a lot of Atheists here but this is not an Atheists club – everyone is welcome. Ideas and actions are scrutinized but people are not excluded for general labels. There are a huge number of Christians here, right now, who will be Atheists in a year or two. But more importantly, the Church of FSM is at its strongest when it exists for its own motives, not a reaction to others. I don’t want our group’s existence to be defined as reactions to when various groups have acted in the wrong.

      • tekhedd says:

        Well, that’s a good question. I suppose some of it’s just the usual internet effect. I imagine the people who don’t care enough to comment don’t care enough to comment. :]

        • harddirt says:

          “No man is greater than the things which anger him.”

      • Ravi Oli says:

        Bobby I’m not riled. These old religions just can’t or refuse to see how they are bound by their own limited imagination and the hypocracy it entwines them in. How many abortion clinics have been blown up, doctors murdered, suicide bombings, all in the name of a God whose primary directive is “THOU SHALL NOT KILL”, have been claimed or attributed to FSM devotees?.
        There is only a Heaven because when these self-righteous bigots and fanatics get there only to be welcomed to drink from the Beer Volcano by their smiling victims in the mortal world… well that’s where THEIR OWN PERSONAL HELL begins.

      • SouleSlayere says:

        Because, sir, this is the Internet. That’s just what the Internet people do.

  5. puppygoogoo says:

    i thought it was simple to follow the instructions to understand the purpose of the website. Is it me or are more and more people losing their ability to understand sarcasm?

    • iconografer says:

      sarcasm requires intelligence to understand.

      some people have religion

      QED

      • easykial says:

        you cant just lump them all together like that… so no religious person is smarter than us? not true, i’m personally a slacker with wit, humor, and basic comprehension on his side. Bobby posts the people who genuinely have no clue what they are talking about. We see the worst of religous people/ self-projecting people in the hate-mail. i have plenty of religious friends that love the “satire”(his holy noodles be praised) of this site and can take a half-hearted laugh on something so non-canonical as this.

      • Lalala says:

        The purpose of religion is to circumvent thought and logic. It’s entire premise is that the irrational is rational.

        • Darwin's Best says:

          Lalala,

          Well, I think you forgot to make an exception: The religion of FSM. We are highly rational.

          Pasta be upon thee.

        • TheFingerOf says:

          The purpose of religion is understanding; the purpose of organized religion is control.

    • Keith says:

      Losing their ability to read more likely.

  6. Iron Mike says:

    This guy is funny.

  7. JB says:

    Maybe the pasta, like the communion wafer, actually -becomes- His Noodly Holiness by transubstantiation and therefore lives (and breathes, if gods need to breathe), after being consecrated by the ritual of boiling and consumption.

  8. Theo says:

    “Can you honestly tell yourself that you truly believe in this load of shit?”
    .
    Ohhhhhhhhhhh boy. You don’t want to know what loads of shit people tell themselves to truly believe.

    • iconografer says:

      a talking snake is soooooooooooo much more likely.

      if you guys want a laugh, check this out (and no, i’m plugging it because i think the guy is hilarious, and he’s not paying me anything–think of it as public service for atheists).

      http://www.youtube.com/user/misterdeity

      • JamesL says:

        Shit sounds funny! Thanks mah man!

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