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FSM Theme Park

Published December 9th, 2010 by Bobby Henderson

fsmtheme2

Open call for submissions!

How about it? Let’s brainstorm and see if we can’t come up with some fantastic attractions and artwork.  I will be shocked if we can’t outdo the Ark Encounter.  Here are some themes to work with but don’t let this limit you:

* Pirates

* Beer Volcano

* Midgets  (I’m making that hand waving gesture because it’s a touchy subject (I think (or is that a touchy subject to mention it))

* The mystery of the Pirate Fish (specifically why has its origin never been explained?)

* The Creation Mountains

What am I missing?



384 Responses to “FSM Theme Park”

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  1. bongmaster420 says:

    You need strippers.

  2. ATXD says:

    You could have Russell’s Teapot Ride and photos with the invisible pink unicorn.

    • smartyhardyhar says:

      Well mister ambteadexterous. invisible unicorns cannot be seen unless they are photographed. I gotcha. Keep Rocking Me “pasta’world.

    • Mr Cooper (all hail FSM) says:

      how about a true scotsman on the admissions gate?

      • Jessie says:

        LOL at the true scotsman! With a nametag identifying him as such, and some other scotsmen/women on hand to disown him every time he did/said something particularly abhorent.

  3. smartyhardyhar says:

    and seriously Edit the shit out of this page – since I just said so and I’m a smartypants that knows better than most of wierdness in the world.

    • smartyhardyhar says:

      ‘wierdness’ – whatever.. THAT is.. like UNHEARD of. We will teach our french english F’s too.. Even in bible Revelation at the end with the angel it says its seals. Which is SEAL a FUCK in french. Right the Sealing over my HEAD. The Sealed Envelopes I got. Seals like my beautiful first nations SNOWY SEALS.. you guys can have as much snow as you want. We have machines that make snow. that is. um.. five seals and then the last sexy seal FUCK FUCKED FUCKING FUCKER OF AN ENVELEOPE AND A LOVE OF FUCKS>

    • Liron Rudik says:

      first of all i want to say that i started the first offical church of FSM in israel, and in the 16.3 we’r gonne meet in a park for the very first time with pirat costume. also i think you need to make a stripteas club as the strippers factory, and make another place that will be hell: everything is stinky and the strippers are fat (almost like sex deseas)

      • Keith says:

        Good for you Liron! Do they try to tech Idiotic Design in Israel?

        • Liron Rudik says:

          english is not my first language you know, so i didnt realy understood the last part of ur comment. but the plan is this: we are going to the park dressed like pirates and in the park i will read a part from the gospel of the FSM and we will bless and the last part of the meeting is a blessed spaghetti meal. we doing it in a public place becouse we want people to look at us and ask us about it. that way we will join people to our religion.

    • The God of Pie says:

      Bobby! You’re not gonna believe this. My little amusement park went out of business in 2007 but I still have the property. Check it out.
      http://www.agreatescape.net/
      It’s been sitting for three years and needs some serious TLC but we could make this happen. Get back to me if you are interested. If you don’t remember, I’m the guy that was on the “Sanity Bus” at the Rally to Restore Sanity.
      Jim

      • Joeyboom says:

        Oh man!! An FSM Theme Park in North Carolina? Wow…..Jim, there’s lots of potential there, especially if we cite the precedent of Kentucky’s Creation Museum and get the state to kick in a few bucks. Think of what you could do with what you already have…..the putt-putt course could have golf balls colored like various types of meatballs — red ones would be “Maranara” balls. Brown ones would be “Swedish”. The last hole could be a beer volcano. Make the putt and beer spews out. Throughout you could instill the historically accurate themes of the FSM — a hole with a bunch of little ramps, made to look like the hair of the FSM. Hit into the right ramp and delight as your ball whirls around and falls into the “eye” of the monster for a hole in one. A Pirate, astride the fairway, with a swinging sword, and you have to time your shot so the sword doesn’t bat your ball away. For the bumper cars, you could make each car sport a large image of the diety of various religions — the FSM of course, Jesus, Buddha, Allah, Tom Cruise (!!), John Smith. Who wouldn’t delight as they watched the FSM go head on with Mitch McDermott? Keep the ideas flowing people!!

        • God of Pie says:

          The break even on the park is real low. I only needed about $400 per day reach break even but when the recession hit I couldn’t even do that. I would need financial backing. but I am definitely down for trying it again!

        • Noodles Maroney says:

          Special Hours: 10-10 for all, Pasta bars available open to close. 11-2 for adults only- Beer Volcano (Old Faithless) spews at 11; Stripper Factory opens at midnight.

          Roller Coaster of His Noodliness… actually three rails in one twisty turvy head-to-noodle race to the finish.
          Two putt putt courses, one using clear PVC to express in earthly terms the workings of His noodly appendages, the other is a pirate-themed “Educational” exploration of Intelligent Design, including Pirate Recipes for Spaghetti and rum drinks.

          Make-up shops for face paint and costuming- Pirates and Pirate Wenches only.

          Stages for Pirate priests of Pastafarianism to stage combat and conversion techniques.

          The 3:00 parade at 4:30 (because it takes an extra 90 minutes for drunken pirates to line up)

          Watergun races with various godheads represented.

          These are off the top of my head.

  4. Kyle says:

    well a theme park needs games with prizes.. like the ring toss and what not but with a more noodly theme!

    i was thinking of the meatball runner.. make people run away from giant meatballs down a big hill!! if get get touched by the FSM’s balls thats prize enough so u’ve already won! but if u manage to play hard to get you win a stuffed FSM teddy type thing!!

    i cant think of anything else right now but i hope this gives some inspiration!!

  5. StJason says:

    Had the BEST IDEA EVER. And, if done right, could have outlets in every mall in America.

    You know those “Build-a-bear” workshops? Apply the same concept to the stripper factory.

    • pivottt says:

      I don’t think a adult theme park would work, sorry to break your dreams. A build-your-spaghetti stand could be great however !

      • Lillith says:

        All theme parks have some sorta section made specifically for drunk students and bachelor parties.

  6. Rachel says:

    Actually, they’ve already made it clear that they will not get taxpayer funding of any kind for this sh*t, but they will receive significant tax breaks on the costs of construction :/

    • Benjamin Fusilli says:

      What has not been disclosed is the deal AIG worked out with Wayne County. My guess is they have arranged a very favorable deal to mitigate the property taxes, or abate them for several years.

      Another item is the infrastructure costs that would be paid for by the state, including improvements to the I-75 interchange. Recently, to accommodate the traffic for the Kentucky speedway, $42 million was spend by the state for roadwork.

  7. Matthew Thomas says:

    A Flying Spaghetti Monster rollercoaster (noodles as tracks), a pirate ship swing rider, a volcanoe shaped log flume, with beer instead of water and animatronic strippers (or real ones, I guess), and of course a midgit on stilts.

    • Michael says:

      This is pretty similar to my idea. Personally I’m more inclined to the real strippers.

      Attractions:

      The Beer Volcano:
      Small educational ride explaining the history of the Flying Spaghetti Monster called set in the Beer Volcano, which would be in a volcano (duh) like the Aussie Sea World Ride ‘The Bermuda Triangle’.

      Bermuda Triangle:
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swfPYrwPYp8

      But would of course have educational exhibitions from the Gospel, possibly animatronic, so it looks sorta like the Pirates of the Caribbean ride but educational!

      The Stripper Factory:

      This one’s kind of a no-brainer. Some of you more conservative Pastafarians might not like this fact, but strip clubs are a hip and happening thing these days. Basically, strippers- two sections so people of all sexualities can enjoy it.

      Building on the factory concept, the decor would consist of fake machinery and spinning cogs and tacky things like that, and maybe have strippers come to the stage via conveyor belt!

      Pirate metal and sea shanties are the obvious music choice, as well as Ricky Martin, obviously.

      I do really love StJason’s above idea- for an additional fee, patrons could select their preferred hair colour, make up, clothing/not clothing options and other items to add to the whole factory concept.

      The Olive Garden of Eden:

      Might have to change the name for trademark reasons, but obviously this would be an amazing Italian restaurant with all you can eat pasta and noodle buffets as well as other foods designed in the image of his noodliness, you know, cakes and ice cream and the like. All staff would wear pirate garb and speak with lots of Arrs and Ahoys, obviously.

      I’m loving Matthew’s rollercoaster idea’ would be VERY awesome, and Kyle’s idea for sideshow games is an adorable touch.

      On top of this, there would be a pirate ship for us to praise the FSM in, and a mountain with trees and maybe even a midget, you know, to have family picnics on and the like.

      As far as costs go, the Bermuda Triangle cost 3 million AU to build in 1994, so I reckon we could do it for anything between 1-2.5 million. The stripper factory would be under the million dollar mark to build, prior to hiring staff and stuff, and the restaurant I estimate around $700k to 1 million.

      All up, I reckon this park could be built for anything between 7 and 10 million dollars, money that we would surely make back in like, 6 months with the immense popularity we’re sure to receive.

      Really loving this concept, keep the ideas coming guys!

    • I'mnottellingyoumynamesir says:

      Instead of midgets on stilts let’s think about saving money by hiring regular sized illegal aliens at half the price and we’ll simply cut off there legs.

      With the money we save we can get implants for all the strippers. Everybody wins.

  8. theFewtheProudtheMarinara says:

    I’m more the museum type than the amusement ride type, so I propose a hands-on science museum.

    Let the people build their own ark. Since there is no evolution, we can propose a constant of the number of species on earth today (and the ones we know went extinct). Now calculate the minimum space each species needs, plus space for their feed. Remember, some species only feed on others, so we need a lot of redundancy here. Hell, the shrews eat twice their body weight in insects or other animals, so load up on beetles!

    Here we can take the minimum 40 days, not the 150 days mentioned elsewhere in the BuyBull. A computer program can calculate the size of the ark now (probably about the size of an average city) and how long it would take one man with Bronze Age tools to build it (I’m guessing a century or two).

    Then we can guess how the species, once they found dry land, managed to replicate before being exterminated by their predators. That should take up a lot of free time, and that’s only the Ark exhibit. Figuring out how a minimum of 2 million Jews lived 40 years in a desert without food, water, medicine, shelter, etc. will be another doozy!

    • plumberbob says:

      @ theFewtheProudtheMarinara,

      I’m trying to get some marine architecture information about this fiasco out to the readers of blogs that I read. I know that I’ve cited this link here previously, but it contains lots of questions that all point to the impossibility of the original ark caper. It also provides ideas about what to look for as laughing stocks for this current fantasy.

      http://www.grahamkendall.net/Unsorted_files-1/A130-Noah_Ark.txt

      It should be fun, but also cruelly pathetic, to watch the development of this faithist project.

      RAmen

      • theFewtheProudtheMarinara says:

        Welcome aboard, Matey! We could use a plumber like you on the Ark ;-D
        I defy any fundie to read the document you attached without pulling out the “miracle card” a half-dozen times. That bit of intellectual laziness drove me nuts while attending Catholic schools. Anytime you had them cornered intellectually they got that dreamy look on their face and said “It’s a miracle!” Yeah, it’s a miracle anyone with an IQ over 60 could swallow that crap.

        At least the fundies clinging to the ArK story aren’t too lazy – they go through all kind of mental gymnastics trying stubbornly to explain their beliefs. Even so, science eventually fails them at every turn.

        • plumberbob says:

          Thank you, it’s great to be here. I’ve been quietly lurking in the boiler room since Wench Nikkiee first piped me aboard on 27 Nov. 2008. It’s good to be able to come on deck periodically and aim at fundies. The ark story and Oklahoma state senator Josh Brecheen are the greatest new targets.

          RAmen

    • Pirate Johnson says:

      TN has a place simular to your idea. It’s known as Wonder Works. I live in KY. To think that our Mecha would reside here is an amazing honor!

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