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Coffee grounds sighting and Feminism vs. FSM

Published September 4th, 2009 by Bobby Henderson

i like coffee

As an athiest and a feminist, I have had a lot of trouble with your Church’s vision of “heaven”. ..really, a stripper factory?!?! As a herteosexual woman, I don’t find this vision of heaven very appealing. And I really don’t like beer at all. I’m more of a red wine gal. I also have had problems with Pastafarianism since my doctor told me I have to cut back on carbs. I admit, giving up pasta has me really stresses out, so much so that while cleaning my kitchen up today, I dropped a coffee filter FULL of wet ground on the floor. As I started to clean it up, His Nooldy Goodness touched me and gave me this vision:

In Heaven, I can eat all the pasta I want and still have the body of a stripper! I can run my “self” through the Stripper Factory system over and over again, changing my appearance by pushing the “reset button” before I go into it. I will have infinite costumes, hair and make-up changes and I will feel strong and vibrant enough to pole dance (something I can’t do now since I’m almost 60.) “He” also whispered into my ear that the beer in heaven tastes the way one wants it to taste…so the Beer Volcano is magical in that the beer sometimes tastes like a chocolate milk shake – or – a really nice Cabernet. It really solves all my theological problems.

When the vision faded, I awoke on the kitchen floor thinking I had had a stroke, but then, I saw the splattered coffee grounds (see attachment) and knew I had truely been blessed by “Him”.

Alison in Sherman Oaks



46 Responses to “Coffee grounds sighting and Feminism vs. FSM”

  1. Reverand Nibby says:

    Ah, sister, I too was once dissuade by the giant volcano of beer but fear no more! For His Sauciness provides for all his children and thus even those who prefer a nice Cabernet Sauvignon will not be disappointed. Have faith in His Noodlyness and take heart!

  2. Jess says:

    Okay, you do realize you’re worshipping a supposed monster made out of pasta that man invented, by the way, YEARS ago. I would so much rather listen and praise a God who loves me, who created me in his image and breathed his very own breathe into my lifeless body. A God who loves you, wether you choose to listen to his call, or fall idolizing to a monster, made of food no less. I’m not telling you to drop to your knees and repent right this second, may God have mercy on your souls, condemned to Hell, etc. I’m saying that you have a loving father, and brother who wants to touch your heart and show you all the joys and love he provides, not only with him in your heart, but in his heaven. And if you see christianity as stuffy, stiff, and hypocritical, then you might as well keep worshipping an idol that is blindfolding you sub conciously from the one true God. Are you going to allow yourself to be manipulated like that? Here’s a dare: you don’t have to fully believe in God to pray. Even if you assume you’re shouting at an empty sky, just say “God, if you love me, and want me to be a child of yours, and want me to be able to see for the first time, please remove this blindfold and prove to me somehow, somewhere that the plan you have for me is in you. Otherwise, if you won’t show me how you love me, then don’t blame me for looking for love in a God elsewhere, because how am I supposed to know wether you’re even there looking out for me?” I guarentee you 100%, that somehow, sometime, he WILL answer you. Inaudible voice, or a sign of some sort, he knows you well enough to know exactly how to touch your heart. Please, question him. Doubt him. But if you do, give him a chance to prove Himself. You’re all in my prayers, really. I love you all, and so does the man who was killed and tortured so you could make it into HIS heaven.

  3. Ron says:

    You know, Jess (#26), as a child, it was people like you who convinced me I wanted to avoid religion.

    Think about it.

  4. ATSAP REVOL says:

    Dear Jess (#26),
    -
    Well, according to the Bible, God and His Son have wrought astounding miracles. So, would it be asking too much for just a very tiny miracle to convince me of God’s existence and love, thus placing my feet on the path to salvation and eternal life?
    -
    Here’s a simple miracle that will cause my instant conversion. I just finished drinking a can of Diet Coke. God, if you really love me and want me to spend eternity with you, refill the can with Coke and reseal it. I’ll sit here prayerfully for a moment and see what happens.
    -
    (A minute later) The can is still empty. Well, Jess, I gave Him a chance to prove Himself as you suggested, in a way that would touch my heart. Any other ideas? Maybe changing water into Diet Coke?
    -
    ATSAP REVOL, Thirsty Skeptic

  5. Cpt. Tapio says:

    Jess, I do not think there is that many in our church who not have been questioning, praying for answers.
    But all of us have found ours, our lord, our god have answered our prays, showed his love, Touched us, our hearts and body(mostly so we shall not fly away from this planets surface when we jump) blessed us with tasty Pasta, and holy beer. No we shall not get down on our knees once again, though we already gotten our answers. Our god is The FSM, and the FSM is what WE have been looking for. a just god, a tasty god, a delicious god!

    RAmen

  6. plumberbob says:

    @ 26- Jess -,

    You’ve come to our website, and you’ve obviously ignored the directive to read the Open Letter and the “About” tab material. You could have learned that our purpose is the exclusion of religious mythology from the science curricula of the public schools.

    In the mean time, since you’ve proposed your own mythology, it is up to you to prove to us the existence of your deity. Mis-quoting from a Hebrew/ Koine book that you probably can’t read is not accepted as proof. You must know the language, who wrote it, when it was written, and the politics and economics of the authors and editors before we can have a clear rational discussion about it.

    “How is it that hardly any major religion has looked at science and concluded, ‘This is better than we thought! The Universe is much bigger than our prophets said, grander, more subtle, more elegant. God must be even greater than we dreamed’? Instead they say, ‘No, no, no! My god is a little god, and I want him to stay that way.’” – Carl Sagan

    RAmen

  7. Jesso says:

    Jess,

    If you think we should go about shouting at an empty sky, then clearly you are off your medication. May want to see your psychiatrist about that!

  8. benny says:

    @Jess
    search FSM on wiki. maybe that’ll explain a few things to you

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