As an athiest and a feminist, I have had a lot of trouble with your Church’s vision of “heaven”. ..really, a stripper factory?!?! As a herteosexual woman, I don’t find this vision of heaven very appealing. And I really don’t like beer at all. I’m more of a red wine gal. I also have had problems with Pastafarianism since my doctor told me I have to cut back on carbs. I admit, giving up pasta has me really stresses out, so much so that while cleaning my kitchen up today, I dropped a coffee filter FULL of wet ground on the floor. As I started to clean it up, His Nooldy Goodness touched me and gave me this vision:
In Heaven, I can eat all the pasta I want and still have the body of a stripper! I can run my “self” through the Stripper Factory system over and over again, changing my appearance by pushing the “reset button” before I go into it. I will have infinite costumes, hair and make-up changes and I will feel strong and vibrant enough to pole dance (something I can’t do now since I’m almost 60.) “He” also whispered into my ear that the beer in heaven tastes the way one wants it to taste…so the Beer Volcano is magical in that the beer sometimes tastes like a chocolate milk shake – or – a really nice Cabernet. It really solves all my theological problems.
When the vision faded, I awoke on the kitchen floor thinking I had had a stroke, but then, I saw the splattered coffee grounds (see attachment) and knew I had truely been blessed by “Him”.
Alison in Sherman Oaks
| 
I think you will find male strippers when you go to heaven and vine volcanos.
Like or Dislike:
5 
0
Don’t forget about the male stripper factory that only people who are attracted to men can see. As to your revelations; RAmen.
Like or Dislike:
3 
0
Well of course there are Male strippers to ogle too, they’re just “invisible to all the Non-homo guys.” And a women in Pastafarian Heaven doesn’t have to be a stripper, she can just sit back and enjoy the view. That is wonderful that you have been touched by his noodly appendage though. (aww, noodly comes up with ungodly as one of the spell check options. That’s blatant discrimination. No wonder so many posters CLEARLY don’t use it.)
Like or Dislike:
5 
0
Don’t forget the male strippers! I want to see a Jack Sparrow look-alike shaking his booty up on that stage, ARR!
-Sarah
Like or Dislike:
9 
0
OMFSM! You *have* been truly blessed… The FSM never answers all of my questions so directly, and I’m stuck interpreting His teachings as best as I can. Congrats!
Like or Dislike:
4 
0
RAmen!
Even His noodley goodness works through the magic and power of pareidolia!
Like or Dislike:
2 
0
As a very devout Pastafarian who often partakes in the Holy ritual of viewing strippers (and drinking beer, of course) male strippers will no doubt exist in the FSM Heaven for you (and all gay males and straight females) viewing pleasure. Though I enjoy female strippers myself, I hope the FSM will use me in His Divine Noodly ways and let me be a male stripper in Heaven. I just hope there are plenty of women in Pastafarian Heaven whose moral standards are as “loose” as mine!
RAmen and FSM be with you Alison!
Like or Dislike:
4 
0
There will be strippers of both sexes, not only in Heaven but also in Hell. But volcanoes, both in Hell and Heaven, will be of beer, not vine, in any case.
Like or Dislike:
2 
0
Male strippers too! Remember, in this religion there is no hate for fellow humans like those other “religions” that preach hate, hell and damnation.
Like or Dislike:
3 
0
Preach Sista! Sounds like all your problems have been solved…Peace and sauce be with you!
RAmen!
Like or Dislike:
3 
0
The beer fountain in heaven has been conclusively proven to emit Timothy Taylor’s Landlord, and occasionally Old Speckled Hen.
The beer in hell is American.
Like or Dislike:
7 
1
FSM IS GREAT!
RAmen!
Like or Dislike:
1 
0
Is the FSM itself of a specific gender? I guess he does have a “noodly appendage”.
Like or Dislike:
4 
0
This vision needs to go into the sacred texts somewhere.
Like or Dislike:
3 
0
From the book of Reservations 4 10 (but be sure to arrive early)
…In Sherman Oaks there dwelt Alison, a devout follower of His Noodly Goodness.
Being in poor health her doctor said unto her – cut back on the carbs, and she had doubt.
Being a foodie she realized that wine truly paired better with Pasta rather than the Holy Beer, and she had doubt.
Being a straight woman she thought she would have little use for a stripper factory, and thought “What about me? Is there nothing for your straight female followers?” and she had doubt.
And it came to pass that a follower of the Divine Flying Spaghetti Monster Had Doubt. (and possibly a stroke)
Alison had a vision, and The FSM Revealed unto her:
I am a wise and loving God and would leave no one out in the rain! (unless they liked the rain). I love All My Children (it’s my favorite soap) and I love all of my Followers, Man, Woman, Straight, Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered and everything else in between.
My Child, if you so desire you may run yourself through the stripper factory, as many times if you wish, but only if it will please you.
You shalt have infinite costumes, hair and make-up changes and will feel strong and vibrant enough to pole dance (something she could not do now since she was almost 60.)
His Noodlyness also whispered into Her ear that the beer in heaven tastes the way one wants it to taste…so the Beer Volcano is magical in that the beer sometimes tastes like a chocolate milk shake – or – a really nice Cabernet, whatever my children desire
And lo He came unto her and said “Go forth Alison Speak to the faithful, and Help Get This Shit Straightened Out! Go forth (or fifth depending on your place in line) Share these truths collect the other answers from the faithful”
When the vision faded, Alison awoke on the kitchen floor thinking she had had a stroke, but then, she saw His mark in the splattered coffee grounds and knew she had truly been blessed by Him.
And So Alison became a Prophet and went to the people, shared her truths, and her Mission to Help Get This Shit Striagtend Out, all of this she shared with the faithful.
The faithful responded thusly:
With regards to the stripper factory, Like the holy beer in the Volcanoes, the Factory will produce your desire. If you want Male strippers, you got ‘em. (Captain Jack Sparrow goes on at 7:00) If you want to run yourself thru the stripper factory have at it.
If all you want is to sit back and enjoy the show, that is all you have to do, It will be a great show.
And so Alison became a Saint, A prophet, and a Minor Internet Celebrity.
Like or Dislike:
25 
0
Well of course there is a male stripper factory.
Like or Dislike:
1 
0
a truely inspiring story
Like or Dislike:
1 
0
IT’S A MIRACLE!!!!!
His Noodly Appendage saved her
Praise FSM
Ramen
Like or Dislike:
3 
0
It sounds as though you have been truly blessed, yet I find, his Noodlyness must see to you a way he has told us he would not. Remember the eight IRRYDs:
I Really Rather You Didn’t go around telling people I talk to you, you’re not that interesting, get over yourself, besides, I told you to love your fellow man, can’t you take a hint?
However, I have no doubt our Noodly Saviour may have grown bored of merely watch his children, and has he revealed himself to you, I feel as though we have all been blessed by the sign. Our faith is the true one.
Thank you, for sharing this revelation.
//Magnus Lundén, Tranås, Sweden
Like or Dislike:
3 
0
Remember, it’s Slow Carbs, not No Carbs! You can continue to partake of the noodliness. Heaven is here on Earth for you, especially with whole wheat pasta.
Like or Dislike:
2 
0
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
Like or Dislike:
1 
7
I’m earning credit in a class to study this. Awsome.
Like or Dislike:
5 
0
@Newbie Magnus:
Ah, but it’s a “I’d Really Rather You Didn’t”…not one of those stuffy “Thou Shalt Not” commands (which the followers of those religions break on a regular basis anyway). The revelation was such that she couldn’t keep it to herself, nor should she have.
Fear not, Alison: the FSM is a flexible god (he’s well-cooked!)
Like or Dislike:
9 
0
@Captain Marcus – A wonderful and poetic addition to the Noodly Apocrypha!
And for the record, to those who think “Stripper Factory” may sound inhuman, remember that His Carbosity does not use the crude tools as we, His primitive creations. Instead, strippers – male, female, or any variant or combination thereof – are exquisitely sculpted with nano-noodle technology for the pleasure of those who have accepted His meaty balls into their heart.
As Prophet Alison has just learned, we may also run ourselves through the stripper factory, to keep ourselves young and beautiful though we eat pasta and heavy sauces for ever and ever, RAmen.
Unlike Muslim heaven, these strippers are not virgins, but instead know how to use their noodle (or yours, as the case may be). And you are not limited to merely 72 for all eternity. The factory runs forever, powered by His Saucy Love.
Like or Dislike:
6 
0
Ah, sister, I too was once dissuade by the giant volcano of beer but fear no more! For His Sauciness provides for all his children and thus even those who prefer a nice Cabernet Sauvignon will not be disappointed. Have faith in His Noodlyness and take heart!
Like or Dislike:
3 
0
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
Like or Dislike:
1 
17
You know, Jess (#26), as a child, it was people like you who convinced me I wanted to avoid religion.
Think about it.
Like or Dislike:
6 
0
Dear Jess (#26),
-
Well, according to the Bible, God and His Son have wrought astounding miracles. So, would it be asking too much for just a very tiny miracle to convince me of God’s existence and love, thus placing my feet on the path to salvation and eternal life?
-
Here’s a simple miracle that will cause my instant conversion. I just finished drinking a can of Diet Coke. God, if you really love me and want me to spend eternity with you, refill the can with Coke and reseal it. I’ll sit here prayerfully for a moment and see what happens.
-
(A minute later) The can is still empty. Well, Jess, I gave Him a chance to prove Himself as you suggested, in a way that would touch my heart. Any other ideas? Maybe changing water into Diet Coke?
-
ATSAP REVOL, Thirsty Skeptic
Like or Dislike:
9 
0
Jess, I do not think there is that many in our church who not have been questioning, praying for answers.
But all of us have found ours, our lord, our god have answered our prays, showed his love, Touched us, our hearts and body(mostly so we shall not fly away from this planets surface when we jump) blessed us with tasty Pasta, and holy beer. No we shall not get down on our knees once again, though we already gotten our answers. Our god is The FSM, and the FSM is what WE have been looking for. a just god, a tasty god, a delicious god!
RAmen
Like or Dislike:
3 
0
@ 26- Jess -,
You’ve come to our website, and you’ve obviously ignored the directive to read the Open Letter and the “About” tab material. You could have learned that our purpose is the exclusion of religious mythology from the science curricula of the public schools.
In the mean time, since you’ve proposed your own mythology, it is up to you to prove to us the existence of your deity. Mis-quoting from a Hebrew/ Koine book that you probably can’t read is not accepted as proof. You must know the language, who wrote it, when it was written, and the politics and economics of the authors and editors before we can have a clear rational discussion about it.
“How is it that hardly any major religion has looked at science and concluded, ‘This is better than we thought! The Universe is much bigger than our prophets said, grander, more subtle, more elegant. God must be even greater than we dreamed’? Instead they say, ‘No, no, no! My god is a little god, and I want him to stay that way.’” – Carl Sagan
RAmen
Like or Dislike:
8 
0
Jess,
If you think we should go about shouting at an empty sky, then clearly you are off your medication. May want to see your psychiatrist about that!
Like or Dislike:
2 
0
@Jess
search FSM on wiki. maybe that’ll explain a few things to you
Like or Dislike:
2 
0
Jess (#26) have you ever actually read the Bible? What do you think of Chapters Five through Seven of I Kings? At least FSM does not require folks to offer up golden hemorrhoids and mice. (Nor did FSM ever slay “fifty thousand of the common people” for looking at him, cf. I Kings 19.) The images are wonderful: “their little ones shall be dashed in pieces, and their pregnant woman ripped open” by God. Hosea 13:16. “Do not think that I have come to send peace upon the earth; I have come to bring a sword, not peace. For I have come to set a man at varience with his father, and a daughter with her mother, and a daughter-in-law with her mother-in-law, and a man’s enemies will be those of his own household.” Matt. 10:34-36.
Pasta be with you.
Like or Dislike:
4 
0
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
Like or Dislike:
0 
10
You guys should leave Jess alone…couldn’t be anymore than what 14, 15 at the most?… they obviously were not raised to question anything and to believe whatever has been spoon fed to them without question…never mind the fact that the Bible was written not during the time that it happened but many many years after the fact..picked and chosen what went into it by the catholic church buy MEN who hated woman.. ok Sorry got off topic…My point is let Jess continue to go on in their life believing what is being spoon fed to them. We all have our own beliefs and maybe when they get some years under their belts they will to…(Couldn’t say he or she because the name could go both ways and I don’t want to offend her/him anymore than what they already are LOL)…I do have one question though…If this site is so upsetting to you Jess then why are you even on here? My advice, you dont like be an adult about it and leave. Its honestly not that hard. Watch..Im going to leave the page right now……
Like or Dislike:
1 
1
Well Nyx, ever thought that maybe I was on this site because I was looking at different religions and what they’re about? And the Bible wasn’t sppon fed to me, I chose it of my own accord. Just as you chose yours (if you have one). And like I said, the Hebrew, the original bible, isn’t edited by the Cahtolic church or edited to liking. Which is why when you’re reading the Bible, the point is to get the basic jist of what it’s saying, not to dissect every thou from every shalt. (which by the way there aren’t any thous or shalts in the original Bible) and by telling me that if I’m going tto just question things to get off the site, well gee that’s really representing how much you want other’s to hear of your god isn’t it? And actually, the bible was written during that time, just like, for example, autobiographys of people like Rosa Parks where written at the end of her life, or after the highlights of her life. The bible was written to date at the time it says it was, and you have no proof to say it doesn’t, or do you? If so, please do share.
Oh, p.s., I’m a female.
Like or Dislike:
1 
4
Thanks to all for your responses and encouragement. I enjoy it when everyone interacts. Conversation is good. To Jess (poor Jess). I, too, was once a “born-again-er”. Nothing happened…no anwered prayers, no miracles. Children still died of cancer, good Christian people continued to suffer and a lot of ass-holes got rich. If there IS a God, clearly, “he” doesn’t have feelings like you and I do. Then I discovered that our Creator has only one attribute that is useful to humans: humor.
Mya you all be touched by His noodley goodness.
Ramen
AC in SO
Like or Dislike:
7 
0
I am a Feminist and an Atheist as well. I must point out that his noodliness, in all of his great wisdom, never pointed out whether or not the supposed stripper was a female or a male, so it wouldn’t be blasphemous to expect some Chip n Dales dancers. RAmen.
Like or Dislike:
4 
0
@ 38 – c’est moi! -,
Remember that FSM heaven is really HEAVEN. What you need and desire will be provided in the manner that you need and desire it. Our inability to properly describe everything is not a consequence of the reality that we’ll find when we arrive there.
RAmen
Like or Dislike:
1 
0
“The bible was written to date at the time it says it was, and you have no proof to say it doesn’t, or do you? If so, please do share.”
The bible has a publication date??? No publication date, no author’s signature…sounds kinda suspicious, don’t you think?
Anyway, the Gospel of Mark was written in about 65 CE, long after the events it describes. These biblical ‘prophecies’ were not predictions, the way we typically think about the word ‘prophecy’ today: it was more like a rewriting of history with a spiritual twist, in order to put historical events into the larger context of some ‘divine plan’, and you can bet that events that didn’t fit with that ‘divine plan’ were simply left out.
People weren’t exactly sharp back then, either: the gospels were compiled from the stories and heresay of suspicious and illiterate shepherds decades after the events happened. And this is the basis for a religion?
Like or Dislike:
2 
0
Wow–you’re right! Male strippers will of COURSE be there, why didn’t I think of that? And no duh the beer will taste like heaven; It’s heaven, after all. xD Oh silly me.
Like or Dislike:
1 
0