I would love to beat the living tar out of each and every one of you

I would love little more than to beat the ever living tar out of each and every one of you. However, Jesus says i shouldn’t, because it is wrong. Jesus says for us to control our sinful impulses and be nice people. I want to be a nice person, and whenever im not as nice as i could be i say to myself,the greatest glory is not in never failing but in rising each time you fall. That, i believe, is the fundamental difference between atheist and Christians. Atheists say evil is just our primal nature. Christians say evil is both wrong and controllable. May the LORD Jesus rule over God’s people forever Amen.
-Squiggledorf

395 Responses to “I would love to beat the living tar out of each and every one of you”

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  1. 201 - noah - Nov 22nd, 2008

    to be general, the atheists who try to piss people off purpously are the ones who are hateful and bitter not the people who want to have conversations with a christian and see what i have to say

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  2. 202 - DillyDally - Nov 23rd, 2008

    You praise your god with that mouth?

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  3. 203 - Wdabrock - Nov 23rd, 2008

    Noah #199,

    The Crusades were NOT defensicve actions towards the Muslims. The Crusades were the Catholic church’s attempt to consolidate thier influence through the known world by conquest. Many of the towns invaded by crusaders are recognized for some of the most brutal acts done by christians in history. Rapes, killing children and “heretics”, burning crops and villages were just a few of the atrocities the early Catholics perpetrated on the Old World. Frequently, the knights were directly involved with looting churches and delivering the loot to the Pope.
    The Crusades, in the eyes of most historians, had nothing to do with the defense of Spain or Jerusalem. The most effective defender of Early Europe in that period was Vlad Tepes of Romania, one of the few rulers who directly confronted the Turkish Invaders successfully.

    Most of what Christians like explain as positive actions by the Church, are really acts of power consolidation, or subjugation of the populace. My point is that Christian teachings and philosophy are in fact based in militancy and conquest, not higher purposes.

    RAmen.

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  4. 204 - Dan - Nov 23rd, 2008

    noah (#191) “the crusades were a defensive action towards the muslims who were trying to invade parts of spain and jerusalem”
    The First crusade was launched to take Jerusalum which was already a Muslim city at the time. Try reading up on the facts http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/First_Crusade

    Just so you know, Iraq did not have any weapons of mass destruction either.

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  5. 205 - noah - Nov 23rd, 2008

    i do not speak to the lord that way i just talk to ignorant people like that

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  6. 206 - Insightful Ape - Nov 23rd, 2008

    Dear Noah,
    In general, you are a moron with poor grasp of the English language, and “incompetently incompetent” are far as history is concerned.
    I care about my afterlife too. That is why I crave beer volcanos from His Noodly Goodness. You will only have stale beer and STD infected strippers.
    RAmen

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  7. 207 - Wesley - Nov 23rd, 2008

    God.. i’m so tired of these posts, can they be filtered? it’s the same old story all over again and again en clearly by people who have never read the materials on the site with an objective eye. This is just another violent response of a person without any form of humor or sence and is again just plain arrogant an repulsively violent against people he doesn’t understand at all. and there are fools here to whom commit to cross-bashing wich makes those too equally low. Isn’t there anything better to do here. It’s like trowing another cat in a hen house. Just the arrogance of stuff like this.. jesus this and jesus that.. instead i’d love to read some bashing by the worshippers of Kali, or Kthulu! or someone whom seeks to avenge the allmighty Zeus! just for a little fun! i’m just to tired of stuck up christians and pastafarians having the same discussions over and over again.

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  8. 208 - ET, the Extra Terrestrial - Nov 23rd, 2008

    Noah. Dude. Check out the Wikipedia entry on the crusades. Note the numerous references to political aims. Note that the fourth crusade resulted in the crusaders sacking Constantinople, a xian city. Note that crusaders, upon signing up for the raping and pillaging, were granted indulgence for past sins. What a colossal load of shit – easily observed with the most rudimentary research.

    The “atheists who try to piss people off purpously” are not generally among the posters on this site. On the other hand, xians atheists who try to piss people off purposefully (gentle spelling hint there, if you were watching) post stuff in the hate mail section here on a regular basis. They are fair game. Stick your hand in the fire, and you will get burned. If you want to believe some nonsense about heaven and hell and yada yada blah blah, you go right ahead. I won’t care, and I won’t try to stop you or change your mind. If you try to convince me (and many of the other Pastafsarians who routinely respond to hate mail) to buy into your fairy stories, we will eat you for lunch, with a side of linguine.
    RAmen
    ET

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  9. 209 - Zinc Alloy - Nov 23rd, 2008

    Noah, you’re a tosser.

    You wouldn’t know Christianity if it poked you in the eye.

    I don’t believe in your fairy tale nonsense god but I probably understand Cheesus more than you’ll ever be capable of.

    Now get yourself a dildo and relieve yourself of some of that pent up frustration you so obviously have.

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  10. 210 - mv - Nov 23rd, 2008

    Noah what is your excuse for the Spanish inquisition and the jews that were killed because of the screwed up Christians? They weren’t taking anything over. Anyone reading some of your posts you are the typical Christian hypocrite. Praise Jesus in one sentence then act un-Christ like in the next.

    Difference between Atheists and religious zealots is the fact we can think. We are good just because it is the right thing to do not because it will buy us a ticket into the “afterlife” if it exists. See we do not say it doesn’t we just want some proof. Also, I would think most atheists are better people than Christians because we don’t do it for any personal or spiritual gain.

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  11. 211 - parmesanic - Nov 23rd, 2008

    Dorfy please…. be human! It is ok to have christian-type-sinful impulses. Otherwise your parents would not have had intercourse and therefore you would not be around.

    As for what Jesus supposedly said, you would have to determine if he ever existed at all. Instead of following rules from a guy who left no real trace on this planet, why don’t you use your brain? Forget about rules and use common sense. You do not have to be nice you just have to respect everyone.

    Atheists do not “say evil is our primal nature”. We love humans! Religions tell you that everything that you are is wrong and sinful. While religions hate human nature we embrace it. So yes, we are different.

    Why do you want to be ruled by your god? Do not be a slave

    RAmen

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  12. 212 - Jedigeek93 - Nov 23rd, 2008

    I don’t think all atheists say evil is our primal nature, that’s generalizing

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  13. 213 - Tim - Nov 23rd, 2008

    I missed the part where anything here suggested that evil was human nature, that we condone violence since we don’t believe in God, or that we were even atheists to begin with. I’m sure there’s plenty of religious people who agree that ID is shit.

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  14. 214 - littleanimal - Nov 23rd, 2008

    You’re all the evidence we need.

    “Squiggledorf: Evolution gone backwards”

    LOLOL

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  15. 215 - ET, the Extra Terrestrial - Nov 24th, 2008

    Whoopsie, failed to edit out “atheists” in second paragraph, second sentence of post 208. My bad.

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  16. 216 - flipper - Nov 24th, 2008

    i think youll find its christians who say that people are by their very nature capable of great evil. thats what original sin is, people are by their very nature imperfect, apparently because of the sins of Adam and Eve (who didnt exist)and must be saved through baptism. when i was being brought up as a catholic i was told to fight my human nature and be christ-like.

    i believe that it is my actions not those of the fictional first humans that determine whether i am a good person. GOD IS DEAD

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  17. 217 - flipper - Nov 24th, 2008

    LONG LIVE FSM AND HIS NOODLY APPENDAGES (PBUH parmesan be upon him)

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  18. 218 - flipper - Nov 24th, 2008

    all hail the Flying Spaghetti Monster and his noodly appendages pbuh (parmesan be upon him), thankyou for saving me from my misleading and sinful catholic life

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  19. 219 - littleanimal - Nov 24th, 2008

    We think preaching and intellect are two separate things, Noah, you’ve yet to justify your uninvited presence in our church, in fact.

    You can’t be good at both, but you can be good at neither.

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  20. 220 - daqq - Nov 24th, 2008

    @noah, post 200:

    Unfortunately, it’s impossible to have an inteligent conversation with someone, who spits on you or calls you an idiot every time you say something that’s not included in his dogma and calls all scientific evidence “the work of the devil”, or “just testing our faith”.

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  21. 221 - Ubi Dubium - Nov 24th, 2008

    Flipper @217 -

    Pbuh is correct, but that’s “Pesto be upon him”. Thank you.

    RAmen

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  22. 222 - alanpai - Nov 24th, 2008

    i go through these forums for a laugh when im bored in class. it seems taht every time i come onto this forum, some asshole is harassing others for their beliefs. they must have lots of friends if their idea of fun is to go on the internet and post negative comments on a religous forum.
    suck my nots you useless prick.

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  23. 223 - Vermicelli - Nov 24th, 2008

    Jesus, thank you for intervening and allowing me to continue to retain my tar.

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  24. 224 - Mitch - Nov 24th, 2008

    “205 – November 23rd, 2008 at – noah Says:
    i do not speak to the lord that way i just talk to ignorant people like that”

    Matthew 25:40

    40″The Lord will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did unto one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did unto me.’”

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  25. 225 - klem - Nov 25th, 2008

    So, basically this dude does not want to kick our asses because he’s imaginary friend could tell his dad to send him in hell to grill for eternity…

    Therefore, you are not a nice person for the sake of being a nice person, but just to save your ass in the hypothetical raveparty-on-clouds that comes after death

    This is highly selfish, sir…..

    I suppose your the kind of guy that goes to church on sunday to be forgiven of being an asshole the rest of the week….

    Im always amazed by the comments from these guys…absolutley no rethoric whatsoever….

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  26. 226 - Sam - Nov 25th, 2008

    I thought it was Christianity that assumed that man was inherently evil. Hmm…I must have misunderstood. And who are you calling atheists? And why, pray tell, do you deserve congratulations for deciding not to threaten to beat a group of people up (over the internet, at that)? Seems to me you wouldn’t have to be a devout Christian, you could just be, say, a law-abiding citizen. Or, better yet, an intelligent, normal person. Oh well. I suppose as long as you decide not to threaten threaten thousands of people by beating the tar out of them via the internet, it doesn’t matter under what pretense you justify it.

    rAmen.

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  27. 227 - Young Pastafarian - Nov 25th, 2008

    um…do humans have tar in them? jw plz tell me

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  28. 228 - Bruno The Pig - Nov 25th, 2008

    No, Atheists simply have different definitions for evil. We don’t say “go murder someone cause evil is instinct and uncontrollable”, well some atheists probably do but we’ll ignore them

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  29. 229 - Fomantagarioconpinism - Nov 26th, 2008

    Then why are the majority of crimes done by Christians? :\

    Atheists make up 1%. Did you know that?

    (these are not randomly pulled figures, either)

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  30. 230 - Meisha - Nov 26th, 2008

    Noah, Noah, Noah.

    There is no reasoning or respectable talking to you because I can guarantee three things that would automatically prevent it:

    1: Your urge to convert me.

    2: Your hatred of all things different than Christianity dictates.

    3: Your inability to be rational, reasonable or respectable with any change from the “God Plan”.

    You cannot think independently. If you could, intelligent conversation would be had, but you do not. You blindly hold yourself back by locking your life to a book that preaches some pretty horrible things and teaches values and morals that are twisted and perverted. The conversation would go a lot like this:

    You: “God is the one true way to get to heaven.”
    Me: “STFU you little punk and take your sky daddy with you.”

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  31. 231 - Josh - Nov 26th, 2008

    I HAVE TAR IN ME, AND ITS ALIVE?!

    PRAISE FSM FOR IT IS THE ONLY WAY TO BE SAVED FROM THE EVER LIVING TAR!

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  32. 232 - TheFewTheProudTheMarinara - Nov 26th, 2008

    No tar here, since I quit smoking over 24 years ago. Although, come to think of it, sailors were called “tars”, and pirates are sailors…

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  33. 233 - Gazza - Nov 27th, 2008

    “fundamental difference between atheist and Christians.”
    and where does atheists not believing in a god come into the differences between the two eh? at the bottom maybe? i think not -.-
    beat the living tar but jesus says u shouldnt… i think even atheists know thats wrong and they dont have little voices whispering in their ear… i think if u can hear jesus after he’s been dead this long then u need to go to a psychiatric ward… and fast! personally i am an atheist but i have salvation in the wonderful goddess that is Eris.
    Hail Eris! All hail Discordia!
    and FSM too…

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  34. 234 - The Impaler - Nov 27th, 2008

    Noah – in response to post 200.

    I am willing to have an intellectual conversation with you. You start. I will respond with the same level of respect and intellectualism that you set as the base standard.

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  35. 235 - benji - Nov 27th, 2008

    Rubbish

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  36. 236 - Guillermo - Nov 28th, 2008

    Just a quickie here. Atheism has sparked violent conflict. Stalin did intend to impose atheism in Russia (albeit it was to further his cult of personality, make himself a god, so…), the “Cristero” wars in Mexico was a war between the religion-less (read atheist*) State and the catholic Priests, to the point of arresting people for praying.
    The point of that was to say that neither theism or atheism are exempt from violence and other flaws of existence, as Gautama said (heavily paraphrasing): “shit happens”
    But people have the choice to act against the bad-ness of life regardless of creed and culture (unless you are a determinist).

    As to the original comment:
    Holiness is not gained merely by not doing evil. I am not killing people at present and I would scarcely say that makes me worthy of eternal reward (and there’s a word that bugs me: eternal… but i digress). It is acting on goodness that gives one paradise.
    And I will concede to you that there are different standards of goodness.
    However I cannot see how saying “I want to kill you but I wont ’cause I am good” manages to fit in there. It displays two of the Deadly Sins: Wrath and Pride. The former as you clearly desire to inflict harm onto others, the latter as you claim purity. Not only that but by misrepresenting the other group you fail at that one again.
    It would be more virtuous, one would think, to recant those words… or actually smite the non-believers (don’t do that at home (or outside of it)).

    FOOTNOTE(S)
    *while the state proclaimed to be free of bias to any particular form of belief it was strongly against religion (or Catholicism, which is one and the same in Mexico (overall)) happening.

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  37. 237 - Guillermo - Nov 28th, 2008

    … reading through the comments I came up with some… stuff:

    Um… the holocaust was not driven by religion (unless one counts totalitarianism as a religion). Albeit it was condoned by some religious institutions.

    Religion does not make one a slave. Like any other social institution it is subject to multiple interpretations, thus the schisms and the variance in day-to-day practice between individuals.

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  38. 238 - Pastalovinfarian - Nov 28th, 2008

    People are just simply people. Most of us don’t do bad stuff exclusively or good stuff exclusively. We just try to make it day by day. We all have a little evil (or as stated above, bad with a supernatural twist) and a little good in us. But, guess what? That is just who we all are. Whether we choose to follow through with those bad thoughts or good thoughts and turn them into actions defines us in the eyes that see us as good or bad. Remember that Hitler, Torquemada, and Emperor Hirohito all thought they were doing good things by doing what they did (killing jews, getting people to convert to catholicism by torture and death, actively attacking America). According to the common views today, those things were not so good. So, it certainly seems as though the definitions of good and bad change from time to time. After all, it was once considered good to take people from one place, sell them to others, and work them for no wages until they died. That only one group of people were far superior to others (blond-haired, blue-eyed people). And that was thought up by a man who was brown-haired and brown-eyed. Weird, huh?

    I guess that what I’m trying to say is that people are people. They will do what they will do, and we shouldn’t condemn them for doing what they think is right. Maybe beat them up a little (oops! evil thought!) but not condemn them. May the Universal Life Church and the Flying Spaghetti Monster maintain a long standing peaceful (and pasta-full) relationship.

    Ramen to all.

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  39. 239 - Jesus Blows - Nov 28th, 2008

    I would beat your ass anyway.

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  40. 240 - TheBigM - Nov 28th, 2008

    You want to fight about religion? You’re as bad as the bloody Taliban. you want a fight bring it on you queer.

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  41. 241 - EmperorWilli - Nov 30th, 2008

    Oh yeah … you’re so pathetic… on the one hand you are not even understanding a little part of the things written in the bible. You don’t even understand that it’s not acting like it’s told in the bible but thinking like it… If you would understand that you wouldn’t say that you want to beat up bobby. It seem like you’re only that religious because you fear of not being allowed to enter heaven. Furthermore you’re full of steriotypes… why should a atheist not have any kind of moral? Why should a atheist not differ between wrong or right?

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  42. 242 - TRDD - Dec 1st, 2008

    not all atheists say evil is a primal nature or uncontrollable. Evil is a concept and an opinion usually dictated by the masses.

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  43. 243 - The Impaler - Dec 2nd, 2008

    I disagree with TRDD. Evil is defined by its nature, not by time, space, events, or people.

    Now having said that, let me say this. The overwhelming majority of people are inherently good. This is true for christians and atheists alike. Society would not function if this were not true.

    All people, christians and atheists alike, while inherently good are also capable of evil. Some christians are capable of great evil and some are capable of small evil. Likewise for atheists. There is no difference here. The difference is in how atheists and christians decide to control that evil or act on evil impulses.

    Some christians (especially the ones who respond on this website) only control their evil tendencies because of the threat of some mythical god. Perhaps for these people, who lack some generally accepted level of maturity, it is best for all of society that they cling to their childish notions of god.

    Most atheists control their evil impulses simply because they know internally to themselves that this is the right thing to do. We who do so are far superior to all the rest of you who need a god to keep you in line.

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  44. 244 - Johannes - Dec 2nd, 2008

    How dare you make such accusations. If you are a follower of “Jesus” then you should be accepting of everyone no matter what. And a threat of physical voilence is not only against your rligion but also illegal in most countries and you can face as little as 6 months in jail

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  45. 245 - B - Dec 4th, 2008

    Uh, yah. I attend middle school, and alot of my friends… THEY’RE PASTAFARIANS! The fact that you are threatening to beat all pastafarians is absolutely outrageous, considering some of them are kids and teenagers! Would you like to beat the tar out of me, given that I’m 12? THINK BEFORE YOU TALK UNLESS YOU KNOW WHO YOU’RE ADDRESSING EXACTLY!Our choice is our choice. Threatening to assault us is not how you get us to even consider what you’re saying! We’re not scared of you and we’re not scared of going to hell! That’s like being scared of the monsters in your closet from when you were 5! Do you have any proof your god exists? EXACTLY! I beleive in hard core fact, and until you holier-than-thou christians get me some evidence, I’m gonna take my fully functioning brain somewhere else!

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  46. 246 - TheFewTheProudTheMarinara - Dec 5th, 2008

    The Impaler (post 243) wrote:
    “Some christians (especially the ones who respond on this website) only control their evil tendencies because of the threat of some mythical god. Perhaps for these people, who lack some generally accepted level of maturity, it is best for all of society that they cling to their childish notions of god.”

    …and there it is. That’s the main reason religion should be tolerated – that and for some people it’s their main source of entertainment. Like say, professional wrestling.

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  47. 247 - Xipetotec Fideos y Pollo McSwab - Dec 5th, 2008

    Ya gotta love the get out of jail free card. “I’m a sinner! Forgive me! I was born to fall from grace!” I suppose it’s better that squiggy believes in blackmail and extortion and responds to negative stimuli. Otherwise Squiggy’s true pathological nature would cause havoc for the rest of society.

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  48. 248 - The Impaler - Dec 5th, 2008

    @B

    Clayton, is that you?

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  49. 249 - The Impaler - Dec 6th, 2008

    @ TheFewTheProudTheMarinara:

    That’s LOL funny: Christianity on a par with professional wrestling. Awesome.

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  50. 250 - xenophagist - Dec 7th, 2008

    “jesus says i shouldnt”
    how do you know? he’s dead lol.

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An elaborate spoof on Intelligent Design, The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is neither too elaborate nor too spoofy to succeed in nailing the fallacies of ID. It's even wackier than Jonathan Swift's suggestion that the Irish eat their children as a way to keep them from being a burden, and it may offend just as many people, but Henderson, described elsewhere as a 25-year-old "out-of-work physics major," puts satire to the same serious use that Swift did. Oh, yes, it is very funny. -- Scientific American




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