I would love little more than to beat the ever living tar out of each and every one of you. However, Jesus says i shouldn’t, because it is wrong. Jesus says for us to control our sinful impulses and be nice people. I want to be a nice person, and whenever im not as nice as i could be i say to myself,the greatest glory is not in never failing but in rising each time you fall. That, i believe, is the fundamental difference between atheist and Christians. Atheists say evil is just our primal nature. Christians say evil is both wrong and controllable. May the LORD Jesus rule over God’s people forever Amen.
-Squiggledorf
I would love to beat the living tar out of each and every one of you
Published by Bobby Henderson November 18th, 2008 in Hate Mail (and concerned criticism). 396 Comments
396 Responses to “I would love to beat the living tar out of each and every one of you”
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Indeed, evil is part of our nature, but it’s not what defines nor controls us. We have a great capacity for empathy and sympathy. The “universal” set of morals displayed by most cultures is evidence of that. Don’t kill, don’t steal, etc. They’re all common sense rules and anyone with half a heart knows that. You think that morals must be written down, somebody else had to decide what they were before you knew what was right and wrong. How moral are you really if you have no personal convictions or empathy?
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Ok, I like your idea. How about we all come to your house at about… 2 PM next Wednesday, and we’ll have that fight.
“Jesus says I shouldn’t”…
Scared?
Good luck, “Squiggledorf”
Btw, we’re not Athiests. We’re Pastafarians.
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I googled “Squiggledorf” and found out that he is a 46 year old male night elf hunter from world of warcraft.
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Praise the holy noodly flying spaghetti monster! I had a dream last night, and the holy one told me that the son of the spaghetti monster got drunk and stoned one day and wrote a buncha books and passed it on to his human friends. The humans used em as some kinda holy books to start religions to control fella beings.
This explains everything. There is no god the only unknown force in the universe is the mighty FSM.
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hahahaha im a catholic but seeing this just makes me laugh. its hard to get mad over something like this. even though i believe in god, i understand your point of view and respect your personal opinion. its also pretty hilarious
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All of this squiggle bashing is bring my tar to the surface. Instead of laughing, we should rather pity all those such as the squiggle who lack the basic intellectual tools to see the guiding hand of the FSM written in the night sky.
The only true path to happiness is his special sauce.
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I agree with lol(#352) and would like to say that I have no idea what atheists have anything to do with this. We are not atheists, we are Pastafarians who believe in a higher deity, which is what atheists do NOT believe in. So to bring you back on the path of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, may I enlighten you with this prayer:
In the name of the noodle, the meatball, and the tomato sauce, RAmen. Our Pasta, who art everywhere, marinara be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy “I really rather you didn’t’s” be not done, on earth as it is on noodles. Give us this day our garlic bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who do not understand us. And lead us not into temptation, and deliver us from people with poor humor. RAmen.
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If we ever have a convention, we should invite her.
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Isn’t it Christians who say that evil is our primal nature? That humans are by nature sinful and that we are not as good as God? SOME Atheists may think that evil is our primal nature and I suppose our base instincts would include a need to look out for ourselves but I think that evil can be suppressed, whether you are Christian or not. Not for the sake of God, but for the sake of people. Atheists can be good people too and I think you are being obnoxiously narrow-minded.
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Guess Who.
Lets have some fun, I will give you some facts and you try to Guess who I am describing .
The person I am thinking about was the Only begotten son of God.
Title: the anointed one
A.K.A.
The good shepherd, the lamb of God, the bread of life, the son of man, the Word, the fisher, the winnower.
Main role: Savior of humanity
Mothers name was Mary
Foster father’s name was Joseph + Of royal descent
His Birth announcement was by angels
Birth witnesses were Shepard,s
Baptism location was in the river
Some of his Activities were Walked on water, cast out demons, healed the sick, restored sight to the blind. He “stilled the sea by his power.” Raised the dead
Key address(es) Sermon on the Mount
Method of death By crucifixion
Accompanied by: Two thieves
Burial In a tomb
Fate after death resurrected after three days
Zodiac sign: Associated with Pisces, the fish.
Main symbols: Fish, beetle, the vine, shepherd’s crook.
Have you guessed Him yet?
You are right !!
I am describing the
Egyptian God Horus
Horus: Various ancient Egyptian statues and writings tell of Horus, (pronounced “hohr’-uhs;”
a.k.a. Harseisis, Heru-sa-Aset (Horus, son of Isis), Heru-ur (Horus the elder), Hr, and Hrw), a creator sky God. circa 4 to 7 BCE
He was worshipped thousands of years before the first century CE –
the time when Jesus was ministering in Palestine.
Now wasn’t that fun?
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Yay for FSM! I’m only 13 and I’ve believed this since it was just created (more like a month after that).
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Yes, that’s very sensemaking… Jesus says to control yourself and his nice little christians have nothing better to do but to burn witches.
Why don’t you listen to your god?
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Praise His Noodliness for touching Jesus and making him famous so that Squiggledorf doesn’t beat the tar out of us. Truly, the FSM is Great! TO Him I wear my pirate hat for the rest of the day!
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You know the Flying Spaghetti Monster, as far as i know, has nothing against beating the living tar out of other people. It’s a shame your are living up to the ideals of a person who never lived. Have you ever heard of the Inviible Pink Unicorn? I suggest you Google it
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“Atheists say evil is just our primal nature.”
That’s Satanism, the anti-thesis of Christianity. Please note that Pastafarianism has no such side.
“Evil is [both] wrong”
Congratulations Captain Obvious! I didn’t need a non-existent deity or piece of religious text to work that one out.
“I would love little more than to beat the ever living tar out of each and every one of you. However, Jesus says i shouldn’t, because it is wrong.”
I would never want to do that to you or any Christian! Frankly, I’m hurt and unnerved that you should feel so inclined to take this violent action. Jesus “said” you shouldn’t. If you’re going to push the subject of his (doubtful) existence for pity’s sake use the right tense.If it’s written as record it is past tense.
“May the LORD Jesus rule over god’s people forever”
Using capitals to emphasise your point does not help you, if anything it negates the minimal impact the rest of your letter made. Jesus can just keep god’s people, so long as he leaves myself and my Pastafarian comrades alone.
Cheers, you seem lovely[sic]
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Wait… So where do the crusades fit into all of this?
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wait a minute, you are not allowed to use violence from your god! So you can’t touch us! :D
I’m getting so sick of people taking this so serious. You got brain problems man, damn…..
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well that doesnt seem to christian RAmen
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i love how you start the letter by saying you would love little more than to beat the “living tar” out of us, but later state that you want to be a nice person. i’m no expert but im pretty sure beating someone is not being a nice person. (also im not filled with tar, mostly its tomato sauce)
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if you believe a certain god created you, and you would like to beat the living tar out of us, then isnt your lord drawing a comparison between you, and that that gets walked all over constantly…
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I suppose Squiggledorf is your actual name.
You are stupid and violent.
Don’t do anything stuuuuupid.
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I regret to inform you but christianity as a whole is probably one of the most violent in history but don’t worry people evevolve. ;)
no offense to all the none hate mail spreading people of the christian faith.
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whatever jesus said: god said different…
Deuteronomy 13:6-10
If your brother, your mother’s son, or your son or daughter, or the wife you cherish, or your friend who is as your own soul, entice you secretly, saying, ‘Let us go and serve other gods ‘ (whom neither you nor your fathers have known,
of the gods of the peoples who are around you, near you or far from you, from one end of the earth to the other end), you shall not yield to him or listen to him; and your eye shall not pity him, nor shall you spare or conceal him. But you shall surely kill him; your hand shall be first against him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people. So you shall stone him to death because he has sought to seduce you from the LORD your God who brought you out from the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery.
Deuteronomy 21:20-21
They shall say to the elders of his city, ‘This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey us, he is a glutton and a drunkard. Then all the men of his city shall stone him to death; so you shall remove the evil from your midst, and all Israel will hear of it and fear.
Leviticus 24:16
‘Moreover, the one who blasphemes the name of the LORD shall surely be put to death; all the congregation shall certainly stone him. The alien as well as the native, when he blasphemes the Name, shall be put to death.
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DEUTERONOMY 22:13-21
If it is discovered that a bride is not a virgin, the Bible demands that she be executed by stoning immediately.
DEUTERONOMY 22:22
If a married person has sex with someone else’s husband or wife, the Bible commands that both adulterers be stoned to death.
MARK 10:1-12
Divorce is strictly forbidden in both Testaments, as is remarriage of anyone who has been divorced.
LEVITICUS 18:19
The Bible forbids a married couple from having sexual intercourse during a woman’s period. If they disobey, both shall be executed.
MARK 12:18-27
If a man dies childless, his widow is ordered by biblical law to have intercourse with each of his brothers in turn until she bears her deceased husband a male heir.
DEUTERONOMY 25:11-12
If a man gets into a fight with another man and his wife seeks to rescue her husband by grabbing the enemy’s genitals, her hand shall be cut off and no pity shall be shown her.
Hmm.. no wonder christians are violent in nature.
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Jesus tells you not to? But what about Matthew 10:34?
Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace. I have come not to bring peace, but a sword. (Matt. 10:34)
Please, please, read your book before preaching to us. Read it ALL.
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No dear, only some atheists think that evil is the primal nature, and I am positive that for every high-minded Christian out there, there’s another who will kick your ass for non conformity. So thank you for not beating the living tar out of me.
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This is such a blasphemous religion! Who believes rally that a stupid thing made out of spaghetti is what was the creator of the world! Pfffttt this makes me sick it really does! Sham on all of you and may God and Jesus forgive you all! But believe what you want to i guess!
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Uhhmmm, Melissa — you might want to see about renting a brain. I suppose Hinduism, Judaism, Japanes ancestor worship, Native American religions, etc., etc. are all blasphemous, too. Gotta love these xians. Never a dull moment, and never a thought in their heads.
RAmen
ET
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@ Melissa #337 says:
“This is such a blasphemous religion! Who believes rally that a stupid thing made out of spaghetti is what was the creator of the world! Pfffttt this makes me sick it really does! Sham on all of you and may God and Jesus forgive you all! But believe what you want to i guess!”
As a Pastafarian, I do not blaspheme. I would never say anything sacrilegious about the Flying Spaghetti Monster! That would simply be wrong. You are mistaken about the FSM being stupid. He is very intelligent, although known to make occasional errors while having too often partaken of the beer volcano. And speaking of a sham, just what do you think about people who believe that an old man in the sky created everything?
Thank you for allowing us to believe what we want to. Now, if you can just get the rest of the christians to see it your way, we will all be much better off.
RAmen
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Thanks for playing, Melissa. You fail. Now shut up and be a good little girl. The adults are talking.
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If Jesus told you to jump off a bridge, would you?
If not, you lose. You are less devoted than a lot of those crackpots in the scripture of Sky Daddies.
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294 – January 5th, 2009 at – Sqid Says:
You know what I think the difference between athetists and you?
You’re an idiot.
I don’t entirely approve of this message, but I have to give the dude his props XD
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Hi there I like your post
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I think the leading factor in you not being able to “beat the living tar out of all of you” might stem more from practical restraints than theological ones. Have you any idea of the amount of time and resourses needed to track down and travel the globe to beat every Pastafarian up?
Rather than give yourself an ulcer getting all stressed about what Jesus would do, grab a bowl of pasta and a bottle of beer and watch some strippers while dressed as a pirate – have fun!
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I’m curious as to how much beating would be required to reduce the hydrocarbons in my body to a state reasonably equivalent to tar, and to expel them from the remaining mass of me. (I’m going to leave aside the amount and kind of energy necessary to imbue those tars with the quality of life.)
In conclusion, I’m declaring my belief that this guy just doesn’t have that kind of stamina. It’s a bluff.
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Question! Doesn’t scripture say that if you sin in your heart, it is just the same as sinning with your hands?
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Not very nice, are you? By the way, many people who go on this site are religious.
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So what you are basically saying is that a mass murderer who mends his ways after the fact is more glorious than someone like, say, Ghandi or Mandela?
The greatest glory surely must be to never let yourself fall, no matter the temptation or provocation.
eat more pasta, it helps to find commune with His Holy Noodliness
rAmen
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hahaha shittt, I knew I should’nt have eaten all that tar. My money says that squiggledorfs’ post was written with World Of Warcraft minimized, sitting in his bachelor pad (aka mammas basement). Be easy squiggledorf. Word.
RAmen
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All atheists are Hobbesians?
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“Atheists say evil is just our primal nature. ”
Since when has this Squiggledorf been the spokesperson of atheists?? Has he/she spoken to any? I think to be an atheist one would not believe in the concept of “evil” as such – It’s a bit far to suggest that atheists have a *shrug* “Evil is just the way we are, lets go kill stuff then” attitude.
“Christians say evil is both wrong and controllable.”
Squiggledorf might also be interested to hear that Christians don’t have the monopoly on not being uncontrolled evil-doers…
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Hey, Squiggledorf:
Your god hates what he defines as evil, such as shellfish.
Our Flying Spaghetti god hates assholes, such as yourself.
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Without evil we would not know good.
Without dark there is no light.
Without people been blinded by their own faith we would not know athyism.
Tar does not live. Therefore it would be literally impossible to beat Living Tar out of anyone.
Jesus also said eat my body and drink my blood.
True enough, the greatest glory is rising when you fall. Although making the other bloke fall does have its own glory.
It is our primal nature to be evil. Human history is staned with blood- mostly the blood of the innocent, caused by the mistakes of the ignorant. You would think after 10000 or so years we would have learned something. Enlighten this poor pesant- what kind of god allows 10000 years of bloodshed?
Faith has blinded alot of “christians” so much they cannot see humankind lacks this purity they think they have. If god created us, why didn’t he give us the capacity to tolerate others?
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S-dorf thinks that the fundamental difference between atheists and Christians is that atheists say evil is just our primal nature and christians say evil is both wrong and controllable. S-dorf (not a christian) thinks that the greatest glory is to fall (oopsie, ’scuse me!), i.e., beat the living tar out of anybody who expresses dissatisfaction with fanaticism, and then climb back up next to the thrones of Big Daddy and Bro. Neither BD nor Bro like tar splashed on their golden rainments, it’s a nasty reminder of where and how the Inquisition boiled heretics.
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If you were truly worried about what Jesus thought you would be so busy doing good deeds that you wouldn’t even see this site. With true faith you would have accepted that what you know is the truth and just moved on without the hateful and unforgivable comments.
I think if Jesus were here today he would probably just ingnore you until you got over your self.
When people make Jesus all about themselves, they totally miss the point. Jesus is about giving up yourself.
I am an admitted atheist. But this Spaghetti dude kinda gets me excited!!
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“”"I would love little more than to beat the ever living tar out of each and every one of you. However, Jesus says i shouldn’t, because it is wrong.”"”
Bring it bitch. Don’t let Jesus stop you.
“”"Jesus says for us to control our sinful impulses and be nice people.”"”
He also tells you to be a racist douche and flighty in the head too.
“”"I want to be a nice person, and whenever im not as nice as i could be i say to myself,the greatest glory is not in never failing but in rising each time you fall.”"”
Kinda like the secular “Get back on the Horse”?
“”"That, i believe, is the fundamental difference between atheist and Christians.”"”
No, the fundamental difference between Christians and Atheists is that a Christian is only good because of the fear of hell. Atheists are good because it’s the right thing to do. Now WHO is more moral?
“”"Atheists say evil is just our primal nature. Christians say evil is both wrong and controllable.”"”
Wrong! Evil is inside everyone, but it IS MOSTLY controllable (i.e. Try to control insanity – go ahead). Also, it depends on what YOU call evil – Christians call all kinds of neutral things evil. Seem like you guys just are a pissy bunch looking for a fight. Like for instance, the fact that you chopped the Atheist description of evil down because you’re a biased douchebag.
“”"May the LORD Jesus rule over God’s people forever”"”
Glad I’m not one.
“”"Amen.”"”
No, RAmen.
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