Hello my name is Christian which means servant of the Christ. The LORD says that in the end, many false teachers will rise, darwin, muhammed and even your own bobby. I will not be swayed because i have met God. God warns that you cannot explain spiritual things to mortals because they don’t understand them. When you accept God, you are entered by the Holy Spirit of God Himself. That is why i cannot ever be convinced of your fruitless lies. I have personally seen the great power God commands. I will continue to log onto this site for a long time now. For if even one soul be saved while i am here, well in good deeds, none is greater. The LORD is my shield. I will never be convinced by words because words are not as powerful as actions. God has granted me great faith and understanding and as long as the earth endures i will fear no evil for God is with me. You will call me stupid and you will mock me, but unless you become as powerful as Holy Yahweh overnight, and then share a portion of that power with me so that i may never die, i will not be fooled. For the whole world will HATE you because of me-Jesus to His followers- I beg thee to end this, then you will see and and the Truth will shine like 1000 suns. May the Lord Jesus rule over God’s people forever Amen.
-Christian
Hello my name is Christian which means servant of the Christ
Published by Bobby Henderson November 8th, 2008 in Hate Mail (and concerned criticism). 330 Comments
330 Responses to “Hello my name is Christian which means servant of the Christ”
Dear oh dear, looks like another one for the looney-bin. :(
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“I will not be swayed because i have met God.”
Really?
Does he like pasta?
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Dear Christian, Don’t you sometimes wish, even just for a moment, that you had a mind of your own. It must be tedious to only be able to think in christian slogans.
Anyway, how do you know that your god is not really the FSM?
Ramen
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I love these guys.
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It’s sad that you follow your god only because you think he has power. Because he does not exist, I suppose something as simple as my typing this means that I have greater power than the sky-fairy, Yahweh.
“You will call me stupid and you will mock me, but unless you become as powerful as Holy Yahweh overnight, and then share a portion of that power with me so that i may never die, i will not be fooled.”
I share my power with you by mocking you. Which means that you follow me now, slave.
Now get me some beer.
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Stop trying to ram you bullsh*t down our necks
I suggest you stop beleving in your invisible man in the sky and open your to the truth of the holy flying one
Ramen
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Which god? And which version of the particular god you have chosen?
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Dude, if I had ‘godly’ powers I so totally would not waste them on making guys like this immortal. I’d be busy making beer volcanoes.
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I’ve discovered a fun game! Anytime you read what a fanatical religious nut says, replace “God” or “Lord” with “ignorance”:
I have personally seen the great power IGNORANCE commands. IGNORANCE is my shield. I will fear no evil for IGNORANCE is with me.
Good times!
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Hello, my name is Cape Buffalo, which means a large African bovine, who serves no master. You are wasting your time, there are none to be converted here.
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You know, the whole time I read that, I could picture was some kid with his fingers in his ears yelling “NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH!”.
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Well, I read your rant, but concluded that there is little point in debate with you. We all know there is only one god, the FSM, and he does not talk to us, so you are deluded.
The Seventh I’d Really Rather You Didn’t states “I’d Really Rather You Didn’t go around telling people I talk to you. You’re not that interesting. Get over yourself. And I told you to love your fellow man, can’t you take a hint?”
Go in peace.
RAmen
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Or, there is a distinct possibility that we are right and you are wrong…what happens if we are? Do we get a prize or something?
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Another basket case who thinks they have met god.
Get over yourself.
Instead of us sharing a portion of your stale old religon may I suggest you share a healthy portion of spaghetti?
Throw in some reality while you’re at it.
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You wont be convince? How did you see through the flawless guise?
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I’d like to take this opportunity to call you stupid and mock you
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Hi. My name is Waiter, which means “Servant of the Pasta”.
I love how every “christian” includes some form of circular logic that’s supposed to “prove” things, or at least explain away why they can’t be proven.
“God warns that you cannot explain spiritual things to mortals because they don’t understand them.”
Great stuff.
The funny thing is, you can’t explain the complete farce of religion to christians for the SAME REASON. They don’t understand, the them, faith and myth are the same as fact and observation.
Anyone who uses “thee” in 2008, is certifiable. And thank you but WE already do see the truth. Truth is observable and can be confirmed over and over again by anyone. Faith and Religion CAN NOT. They are NOT observable and they are not confirmable. I have seen no evidence of any invisible sky man. When I see some, I’ll reconsider.
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Blah, blah, blah.
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No one here really cares about your point of view. You didn’t meet God, because if you did you would shut the hell up and find something positive to do with your time. “Christian” means Christ-like, stupid! All your psychobabble about Heaven and Hell is as stale as a bag of croutons.
And who invited you to the party,anyway? You represent the very worst of christianity and religious zealotry. Pompous, over-bearing, and inerrant! Rather than trying to see an alternative view, trying to open your mind and shut your mouth, you reverse the process.
If there was a Heaven(and there isn’t), you wouldn’t be welcome. All you can do is hate and deny. Your afterlife will be rife with zitty, stretch-marked strippers and flat, green beer. People like yourself think they are TOO GOOD for His Noodly embrace. So much the better. That means more beer for us! Yes, I’m mocking your belief in the Big Empty. I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smells of elderberries!
Now, go away! Or, I shall taunt you a second time!
RAmen!
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Well, isn’t that special?
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“God warns that you cannot explain spiritual things to mortals because they don’t understand them.”
So you accept Christianity even though it claims you are too stupid to understand why you should accept it? (basically saying you should accept it without any proof whatsoever)
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You know… the only reason why there’s the “Holy Spirit” is because they didn’t like the idea of the being only two “forms” or whatever of God. I don’t think anyone knows what the fuck the Holy Spirit is supposed to be.
Another reason why Christianity and I don’t get along so great.
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“You will call me stupid and you will mock me, but unless you become as powerful as Holy Yahweh overnight, and then share a portion of that power with me so that i may never die, i will not be fooled.”
If Yahweh exists and you are a christian,then haven’t you already recive a portion of his power from the holy spirit in baptism and have eternal life already? Why do you need us to grant you eternal life?
“I will never be convinced by words because words are not as powerful as actions.”
what about the whole “pen is mightyer than the sword” idea. And last I checked speaking is an action.
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How did God grant you understanding if he says morals cannot understand religon?
I perfer meatballs to fruit.
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I find myself agreeing with the ex-captain.
I have always been confused by the phrase “the father, the son and the holy ghost”.
Someone please explain who this holy ghost is and why he hasn’t taken over from that god who is only known as “God”.
Or does “God” simply have split personalities?
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Hm… I don’t know if you all discovered a pretty glaring contradiction in our hater’s letter, but I don’t see anyone commenting on it.
“I will never be convinced by words because words are not as powerful as actions.”
Um, so how come he turned Christian if he doesn’t believe in words – aka the Bible? I guess that’s some evidence that he really DID meet his god… Then again, it might just be BS from start to finish.
And that raises the very good question of just how the funny little man means to ’save’ us.
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I would also like to take this opportunity to call you stupid and mock you.
You’re stupid. *mocks christian*
Post script: As powerful as Holy Yaoi? eww…
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Hello my name is Christian which means servant of the Christ.
My name is after the wife of Trojan hero, Aeneas.
The LORD says that in the end, many false teachers will rise, darwin, muhammed and even your own bobby.
Very rude and disrespectful not to capitalize all those proper nouns. You’d be getting a lot of red pen from your teacher. Also, Lord doesn’t need full caps, unless you regularly shout that word in conversation.
I will not be swayed because i have met God. God warns that you cannot explain spiritual things to mortals because they don’t understand them.
Sounds like the smug kind of thing I’d expect a god to say. But funny how you’re better than everyone else that God met with you and told you all about it. Aren’t you special.
When you accept God, you are entered by the Holy Spirit of God Himself.
That sounds perverse. I’m married.
That is why i cannot ever be convinced of your fruitless lies. I have personally seen the great power God commands.
What was that? Share, tell, explain. That’s what I’d expect a servant of Christ to do.
I will continue to log onto this site for a long time now. For if even one soul be saved while i am here, well in good deeds, none is greater.
Hast thou lost the ability to form complete sentences? Are you being entered right now?
The LORD is my shield.
You try that on the front line, let us know how it works out for you.
I will never be convinced by words because words are not as powerful as actions.
And the Bible is full of words. Funny that.
God has granted me great faith and understanding and as long as the earth endures i will fear no evil for God is with me.
Then what are you waiting for? Introduce us, already. Where is he? Did you leave him outside in the car?
You will call me stupid and you will mock me,
No, I feel sorry for you because you are, most likely, the product of several generations of religious programming and have never considered challenging or questioning the faith that has been forced on your since before conception.
…but unless you become as powerful as Holy Yahweh overnight, and then share a portion of that power with me so that i may never die, i will not be fooled.
You get to share God’s power? He gives you power? What power? What power do you have that we don’t? If you can be invisible, or lift monster trucks, have laser eyes, then I may reconsider. As far as living forever, I have not seen a longer life expectancy for Christians over any other human.
For the whole world will HATE you because of me
Well I wouldn’t want that, so, sorry Christian but I don’t want to be friends with you if the world will hate me for it. The world is a pretty big place to be passing on all that hate.
-Jesus to His followers- I beg thee to end this, then you will see and and the Truth will shine like 1000 suns. May the Lord Jesus rule over God’s people forever Amen.
-Christian
You know, I beg thee to end this as well.
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Christian says – The LORD says that in the end, many false teachers will rise, darwin, muhammed and even your own bobby.
Really… go and tell a devout Muslim that God warned us of that fraud known as Muhammad, I dare you…lol BTW you’re right Muhammad is a fraud as is Jesus.
Let’s look at it logically; a god would give his followers a sign so that they would know they are on the right path. Both Jesus and Muhammad talk of a sky fairy for which there is no proof yet we have all seen a plate of spaghetti and meatballs – the proof is there right in front of us. Your god is either too lazy, ignorant or stupid to show us proof OR he doesn’t exist, either way he’s hardly worth praying to ;)
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@Wdabrock
“I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smells of elderberries!
Now, go away! Or, I shall taunt you a second time!”
Oh, man, thanks for that. Gotta get me some Holly Grail this afternoon :)
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Hello, I’m Mare Lacrimarum, which means “Sea of Tears.” Long story.
–The LORD is my shield.
Many things have stopped a bullet. A sheriff’s badge, an mp3 player, a delivery pizza bag full of pizza, a laptop, the cartilage in a man’s nose, even a person’s braces have stopped a bullet. However, it hasn’t been proven yet the ‘The LORD’ could stop a bullet. Now, of course I would never propose we put you in front of a gun to test how bulletproof ‘The LORD’ is. Maybe we can set up a dummy, and put ‘The LORD’ in front of it? It would make an interesting experiment. However, my intuition tells me it wouldn’t be enough. Maybe try a Bible? A paper shield is much better than no shield at all. :D
Mare
(P.S. I wonder if there would be any difference if we pit the Bible against the Koran, or even the Gospel of the FSM? His Noodley Goodness could stop a bullet. I just don’t know if The Noodley One would bother. There would be a lot of data to manipulate. ;) )
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“I will never be convinced by words because words are not as powerful as actions.” So… how bout some actions by your god to convince us? I’m pretty sure that if we saw some action by some god or another that we couldn’t possibly do we would all believe in it.
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I’m gonna trot this one out again because it amuses me so…
I think Epicurus put it best when he said:
“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then He is not omnipotent.
Is He able but not willing? Then He is malevolent.
Is he both able, and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”
RAmen!
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This unswayable servant of the Lord can be BRIBED! He says so right in his email!
.
“…but unless you become as powerful as Holy Yahweh overnight, and then share a portion of that power with me so that i may never die, i will not be fooled.”
.
If I became as powerful as Yahweh (no one is supposed to utter that name… sshhhhhhh!), I would never grant this nutjob even the tiniest sliver of that power.
.
–Cap’nUberbob
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Hello, my name is Ubi Dubium, which means “Where there is doubt”.
You have a very bad religion infection, but don’t worry, it is treatable. I presrcibe a full reading of your bible, cover to cover, in a modern translation with no “thee’s” in it. Then I prescribe asking your pastor and yourself some hard questions. And I prescribe spending some time with people who do not agree with you, and listening to what they have to say. You could recover from this and have a real life, instead of spending it prostrating yourself before your invisible sky-fairy.
RAmen
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To paraphrase Gandhi:
“I like your Christ. I don’t like you Christian. You are so unlike your Christ.”
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That is why i cannot ever be convinced of your fruitless lies.
Fruitless? Hardly!
Tomatoes are fruits, not vegetables.
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@ Bruno The Pig,
The Father, The Son, and the Holy Ghost(or Spirit) is a reference to the Holy Trinity. It is derived from Catholicism and early 1700 christianity.
Father is God, Son is Jesus, and Holy Ghost is the worshipper feeling that they have been possessed by the presence of God. Many religions use the reference as part of communion cathechisms, while others refuse to believe in the Trinity because of the belief that God cannot sub-divide himself into separate, yet equal entities. It only adds to the confusing nature of christianity, as the many demoninations place higher emphasis on the possession aspect(being in the spirit, speaking in tongues, faith healing) rather than the messiah complex(Jesus as rabbinical and Old testament law reformer, removal of priesthood as spokesmen of God vs. direct prayer to God).
This is why Bobby’s enlightenment of the FSM is so important: it has removed all that confusing crap that humans have put into religion to control human behavior and replaced it with open-minded, spicy goodness. OH, and pirates, mountains and a midgit!
May your beerstein never empty, and your stripper never want a tip for services rendered!
RAmen!
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hey thumper.
my name is irate (which means pissed off),Pirate (which means follower of the Noodle-God).
now the mocking you astutely predicted: liar-liar,pants on fire!
YOU are the worst kind of self important,uneducated,sour douche bag & a discredit to your hillbilly kin-folk. please go away now….punk.
p.s. is “holy yahweh overnight” some sort of delivery service? …just curious.
irate in ontario.
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You can’t argue with fundamentalists, so I won’t argue with Christian, it has no point. So I will make some observations. Logic does not work on them. The primary reason is that they spent so much time believing that they let their thinking skills rust. Critical thinking is a skill, and like any skill if you don’t use it, it deteriorates and eventually becomes useless. This is not the case with all religious people, just with fundamentalists. The problem lies in my opinion in laziness. It is inherently easier to believe than to think. Fundamentalists can rationalize, but because their critical thinking skills are so poor their rationalizations are usually baseless, or to shaky to stand up to scrutiny.
They also fall back on circular arguments to make their case. Most of you know this but incase Christian wants to know, a circular argument is where you try to prove your argument for something by relying on that something to prove itself. An example of this is trying to prove God exists because of the Bible, trying to argue that God exists because the Bible says so, is a poor argument and not one that will be taken seriously. This is also why their Creationist arguments don’t hold water. They fail on so many levels to use logic or critical thinking. They latch on to any shaky science they can to attempt to prove their point without really knowing anything about science, or critically thinking about the argument. The pocket watch/car/etc. arguments comes to mind, and let’s not forget irreducible complexity which doesn’t work either, and no Behe’s argument is as ridiculous as the rest of them (how he calls himself a scientist perplexes me and others in my field).
Before I get called an atheist, let me say I am not. I believe in God, I just don’t believe in the version of him presented by organized religion, I can’t, I respect him too much.
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“God warns that you cannot explain spiritual things to mortals because they don’t understand them”
wait… so your not mortal?
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Hello, my name is Roy, which means ‘red’. Go figure.
When logging on to a website, I prefer not to rely on the LORD as a shield, I use ANTIVIRUS and a FIREWALL. If you are not convinced by words, I take it that you remain to be convinced by the bible. Good, me too…
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You met god? Is he a dick in person, cos he sure comes across that way in his book.
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Hello Christian. My name is Jeremykeys. Jeremy, which is a derivative of Jeramiah, one of the older names in the world, and keys, which means I hold the keys to all, and I do mean all knowledge. Your God asks me for advice and permission to do just about anything including the creation of the universe. Don’t believe me? Ask your God. He’ll tel you if I let him. I might. I also might not since you are such a misguided little paddawon. I bet you have absolutely no knowledge as to the history of your religion at all, do you? You don’t even know that the whole thing is a metaphor for several of the older religions that existed 2,000 years ago. Let me ask you one question and I do expect a reply. If you were to meet your God right now, would you be able to pass judgement or would you fail? You certainly don’t seem to turn the other cheek very well and you also seem to be far too obsessed with converting others as opposed to helping others. Your God absolutely deplores close minded people. He gave us brains to use, you know? Not to sit around and hate others for thinking differently. If he did, don’t you think that makes God look incredibly paranoid? “Oh no! That one thinks differently. Smite him!” We are supposed to think in many different ways and look at things through different eyes. God expects us to be intelligent and not follow blindly from some mistranslated old fictional book.
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No thanks, our god tastes better!
RAmen Oh confused Christian!
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Wow, Bobby. Can I call you Bobby? I’m going to call you Bobby.
You could have landed a home run with your satire against religion… or whatever this site is about (what is this site about???). Unfortunately, to be satirical and funny you need a sense of humor. Instead, I see pumpkins and pirates and middle aged men posing from the back of their vehicles with a spaghetti symbol on their car.
Forget about the religious zealots that flood your site with condemnation. But My Spaghetti Monster God, if you are going to go this far it had better be funny. It is not, Rob. It is not.
You really need to know that. This is a dumb idea that makes my penis soft. It is as funny as TGIF was in the mid 90’s. This website belongs on the Oxygen Network. If you want some advice, delete this website and run head first into a wall. It’s no offense to you, Robbie, it’s just that wasting my time for something as funny as watching your grandmother go through a yeast infection makes me ill. Everyone who goes here should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. That is, if they don’t accept the Spaghetti Monster as their savior….. which they won’t, because it isn’t an intriguing enough gimmick.
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You know what my favorite part is? [besides the total blind dogma]
The fact that you randomly spew Christian phrases that are complete non sequiturs, like you have Holy Tourette’s or something. GIVE US THIS DAY OUR DAILY BREAD!
And yes, you’re right, we WILL call you stupid, and we will mock you [by the way, the comma is important]. It has already begun.
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the crazy christians give all of us a bad name. i’m still embarrassed and angry that there are those of us who go around trying to convert “the lost” with that kind of religious jargon. no one with any kind of sense will understand what you said. the things of God can not be understood by those who do not have the mind of God. it’s just messed up that people are pushed further and further away from the truth by people like you.
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Should the truth “shine like 1000 suns”, I feel confident that I would not want to witness it, what with the whole burning my retinas out thing. At the very least I’d like some forewarning in order to don some shades.
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i’d just like to say that lyvvie’s post made me laugh in a public library and i got strange looks from children and staff. the front line thing in particular. is very nice, i like very much.
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