Dear dumb ass folowers of FSMism,
There have been a lot of weird things that i have seen in my life before, but this tops them all. Do you really believe that there is/was such a thing as a flying spaghetti monster? Seriously, how fucking old are you? I know there’s such a thing as freedom of speech and expression, but this kinda shit should be banned. Theres is only one God and one Holy Word. Why dont you people get that? How much sense does it make to say that decreasing numbers of pirates lead to an increase in average global temperature? Is that science or some fifth grader trying to sound smart?
You are the kinds of people I dread to meet in public. If I were to ever have the displeasure of meeting your retarded ass, I would probably beat you senseless untill your stupid childish mind thought like a normal person and believed in something that sounds correct instead of just saying “Eh, lets make a new religion..and what the hell, our ‘god’ should be a clump of spaghetti. Oh, and it should have eyes and be able to fly. Lets bow down to it and see how many people follow suit!”
Damn you all to hell!! Better yet, somebody should lock you in a fucking psychiatric ward for further examination because they obviously didnt do that enough when you dumb fucks were born. I hope this web page is taken off the web as quickly as it was put up.
–Sincerly,
ANNONYMOUS
Dear dumb ass folowers of FSMism
Published by Bobby Henderson October 30th, 2008 in Hate Mail (and concerned criticism). 565 Comments
565 Responses to “Dear dumb ass folowers of FSMism”
You must have skipped church a few too many times – calling yourself a Christian and then talking to us like this makes you an embarassment to your religion and most likely family. Next time have the balls to print your name.
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This one was too funny to ignore:
I know there’s such a thing as freedom of speech and expression, but this kinda shit should be banned
So, apparently you don’t in fact know there is such a thing as freedom of speech. Why are you so threatened by His Noodliness? Does it make you wonder if you have the right Word? Is your god such pussy that he can’t take care of himself?
Theres is only one God and one Holy Word……
…I would probably beat you senseless
Hey, I’m looking through that Jesus story and I can’t seem to find the place where Jesus beat poeple up when they didn’t believe he was the son of God. Could you point out where that it, you hypocritical ChristoZombie.
You are the kinds of people I dread to meet in public…
And yet, chances are very good you have already met us, we are everywhere. Did Jesus tell you to give an ass whooping recently?
believed in something that sounds correct instead of just saying “Eh, lets make a new religion
Learn how to close quotes, and FSM DOES sound correct. instead you should be asking what is wrong with you that you don’t see it yourself. How does a Jesus Zombie sound more correct? Why can you accept the idea that a woman had a baby without having sex, the universe was created in 7 days, all the living things in the world lived on a boat for 40 days, etc etc etc, and you can’t accept that God may look like he is made out of spaghetti! Who’s being ridiculous now?
How much sense does it make to say that decreasing numbers of pirates lead to an increase in average global temperature
Hey the GodZombies, like you, think its OK to throw anthropomorphic global warming away as a simple correlation, why isnt that graph of GW and pirates just as valid then?
Damn you all to hell!!
Sounds like someone is worried we might be right! Get this: You’ve been praying to the wrong god all of your life, now you are doomed!
as quickly as it was put up.
Well considering that it has been up for years…….
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Another brilliant discourse by a deluded and self-contradictory xian. Apparently freedom of speech and expression only extends to speech and expression of approved concepts. Sounds suspiciously like ‘annonymous’ (nice spelling there, by the way) is another Nazi wannabe. Typical xian programme – yell at anyone who doesn’t believe the same as them, and if that doesn’t work, kill them. Shithead. Read your fairytale book and live your life the way it tells you before you start to consider yourself the moral equal of anyone, much less their superior. Your attempts to insult us slide by unfelt, since you obviously have no basis to insult anyone.
RAmen
ET
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There we go with all the violence again. Such peace loving people the Christians. They don’t even seem to realize that, according to their rules, every time they behave this way, they are going to their hell. But at least now I understand why they have all those ‘get out of hell’ free cards in the confessional etc… overcrowding in hell. This guy thinks we’re going to hell? Buddy, there isn’t enough room, what with all the peaceful, loving, caring, fascist Christians down there.
There’s only one god? Tell that to the Hindus. But there’s only, what, 700 million of them? Nah, they probably don’t count.
And I wonder what was said about Christianity at it’s beginning? “Eh, lets make a new religion..and what the hell, our ‘god’ should be a black carpenter. Oh, and he should be able to walk on water and rise from the dead.”
Great post tho, made me laugh out loud.
Probably a science teacher from Kansas.
RAmen, dude.
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Marks for Annonymous (assuming this is his incorrectly spelt real name)
Spelling 6/10
Note the spelling of followers, there’s, don’t, until, didn’t, sincerely.
Grammar 6/10
Names should be in title case, not uppercase, ‘kind of’ not ‘kinda’, ‘I’ should be capitalised, ‘FSMism’ is known as ‘Pastafarianism’, non use of title case for ‘Flying Spaghetti Monster’. Otherwise good for a hate mailer with reasonable sentence structure.
Ability to grasp irony 0/10
Our belief in there being such a thing as a Flying Spaghetti Monster should be easy to grasp. Shows an inability to spot irony as the graph mentioned is meant to be poor evidence
Sarcasm 2/10
Good comparison of Bobbie Henderson to a fifth grader, however, lets themself* down by failing to spot the graphs absurdity is the point (see irony)
Patriotism 0/10
Even I, a foreigner from Briton, can see there is a complete inability to grasp that the First Amendment that applies to every American, not just those who have parents who are cousins.
Christian fervour 8/10
Can grasp the concept of one God, but seems to think there is only one “Holy Word”, not a bible full. Has a good grasp of spreading the word through beating people senseless, however I cannot give marks for this as current Christian doctrine tends towards loving thy neighbour. Strong willingness to believe in things that “sound right” without relying on evidence or listening to other things. Strong belief in using psychiatric treatment to instil religious dogma!
Likeness to Charlton Heston 9/10
A good showing with a “Damn you all to hell!!” line, very reminiscent of Planet of the Apes.
Overview
Annonymous tries hard but ultimately is let down by an inability to grasp simple concepts. More worryingly is the threat to beat fellow humans senseless and use of foul language. I strongly recommend Annonymous concentrate on creating a career as a talk radio host, faith healer or sets up as a home maker with his spouse/sibling seeing as it is unlikely they can adapt to civilised society; the scope for social acceptance by non-hicks is very low. Must try harder!
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Dear folower of Christianity,
There have been a lot of weird things that i have seen in my life before, but this tops them all. Do you really believe that there is/was such a thing as an invisible zombie saviour in the sky? Seriously, how old are you? I know there’s such a thing as freedom of speech and expression, but this kinda shit should be… well, I know there’s such a thing as freedom of speech and expression.
There’s is only one God and one Noodly Word. Why dont you people get that? How much sense does it make to say that Mary gave birth to a genetically distinct child without breaking her hymen? Is that science or some fifth grader trying to sound smart?
You are the kinds of people I dread to meet in public. If I were to ever have the displeasure of meeting your retarded ass, I would probably talk to you untill your stupid childish mind thought like a normal person and believed in something that makes sound sense instead of just saying “Eh, lets follow an old religion..and what the hell, our ‘god’ should be an invisible 2,000-year-old zombie from the desert. Oh, and it should have wounds and be able to fly. Lets bow down to it and see how many people follow suit!”
Damn you to the slightly stale beer volcano!! Better yet, somebody should talk to you like they cared about you because they obviously didnt do that enough when you were born. I hope your religion is taken out of your mind as quickly as it was put in. (So it’ll take a while.)
–Sincerly,
Jorick
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When I read things like this all I can think of is why when so called “christians” are confronted with someone’s views not like their own, they have to threaten violence? I would think that in a “religion” that expresses forgiveness that forgiveness would be a big part of a “christions” responce to a negative view.
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It seems that all these hate mails are following suit, nobody really understands our religion do they? FSM is a mere reflection of religion. To poke fun at the people who believe in things just as if not more farfetched. It’s a taste of your own medicine you dickhead, how does it feel? You can’t disregard my ‘beliefs’ because that would make you a hypocrite. And no we don’t really ‘believe’ in a flying spaghetti monster you fucking moron, we just say we do so we can laugh at the people who take us seriously.
It’s hilarious for us, because we have been so tolerant of religion and religious people for ever. No the tables have turned, and you must be tolerant of us making a mockery of you.
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Not to prevent you from picking on the poor guy – but how do you conclude he/she is a Christian? All that was said was “One God” and “One Holy Word”. Based on most American belief this could indicate Television and TV Guide, which is no better or worse a belief that FSM.
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Guh. IN FSM. Not THAT FSM.
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You know, that’s quite right. Why didn’t I think of all that myself? You have lifted the scales from my eyes. Never mind, I’ll nip off to the church and have a quick grovel in front of Jebus. That’ll fix everything.
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It makes about as much sense as Christianity.
I mean, seriously. Christianity branched off from Catholicism, which branched off of Judaism with some Norse mythology mixed in. At least Pastafarianism is creative and unique.
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What is truely intersting is that we have never recieved one piece of hate mail from a true Christien. Only posers who need to be part of a group in order to satisfy there need to believe there superior to everyone else. However, since they can’t even fallow that groups rules and thus are considered hypcrits within there own group. They must try to move into others to satisfy themselves.
Funny how there only way of survival is to try to destroy what feeds there ego. I think this usually leads to extinction.
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“If I were to ever have the displeasure of meeting your retarded ass, I would probably beat you senseless untill your stupid childish mind thought like a normal person”
Is that you became a normal person?
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“Better yet, somebody should lock you in a fucking psychiatric ward for further examination because they obviously didnt do that enough when you dumb fucks were born.”
Oh My Noodle – your “normal” types put newborns in psych wards? And you call us dumb.
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I almost forgot–we should be deciding what to believe in based on what “sounds correct.” I suppose that makes you a “flat-earther.” I guess there must be little people playing music in my radio–that sounds right too.
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“Better yet, somebody should lock you in a fucking psychiatric ward for further examination because they obviously didnt do that enough when you dumb fucks were born.”
Is it really common practice to lock people up in a psychiatric ward when they’re born?
“untill your stupid childish mind thought like a normal person and believed in something that sounds correct”
I know it’s unbelievable. I was a skeptic, too, but once I learned that the FSM is there CHANGING ALL OUR DATA while we collect it, I realized the FSM was separate from science… and that our inability to prove His existence PROVES His existence.
I don’t know about you, Annonymous, but I want to believe something that doesn’t just *sound* correct, but actually *is* correct. May you be touched by His noodly appendage.
RAmen
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Oh, this is one of my favorites! Annon delivers much hilarity here!
“I know there’s such a thing as freedom of speech and expression, but this kinda shit should be banned.”
Wait, wait…what…? Oh I ge-…no I don’t. Hmmm…so there is freedom of speech, but only for people I agree with ! Ah, I understand!
Anyway, Techskeptic did an EXCELLENT job, I must say, of dissecting this piece. Bravo, and hats off to you, sir!
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My friends,
To post #1, he/she never called him/herself a christian. They said “there is only one god and one holy word”. I assumed this person was talking about the twenty-third “tirthankaras”, Mahavira, of the ultra-peaceful Jain religion. Or, most likely this person suffers from “multiple personality disorder” and one of their personalities believes in the “One True God”, the FSM. And another personality is a fundamentalist crack-pot. I submit to you all that this is the most logical assumption we can derive from a letter such as this.
P.S.
To mr./ms. Annonumous,
Please don’t be so ignorant
as to threaten people you don’t
know with violence. I may be a
little old, but I am extremely
phyically fit and have been involved
in some sort of martial art for the
last THIRTY years. Not to mention, FSM
help you, if you ever run into a Shaolin
monk and threaten to “beat him senseless”
like what must have obviously happened to you.
Peace
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Oh and christianity sounds correct? What a fucking tool.
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Oh deary me. Another Chrissie for the loony bin, eh?
You’re not representing your religion very well here.
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Is that really how you feel about other cultures? You want to beat the crap out of them? That’s a healthy way to deal with your emotions…
Anyway, I don’t think this guy/gal means it. It’s obvious he/she is being sarcastic. In the first line we were called flowers! (I think)
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This individual does not represent the interests and/or beliefs of Anonymous.
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To answer the first question asked: no. Since you obviously don’t know what it means, go here please: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/satire
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ET and Techskeptic pretty much covered it all.
On top of that: all these threats will give people a wrong image of Christians like you.
I hope you will be touched by His Noodly Appendage some day.
Rámen
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As a karate master (yes, really – 35 years experience) I invite you to beat my ass. And in return, I will smack some sense into you, so you won’t take everything so literally – ass.
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We should “believe in something that sounds correct”? Erm… sounds correct to whom? To you? Because to me pasta sounds much more real and correct (and don’t forget nourishing and wholesome!) than a Jewish zombie who was his own father and whose blood the faithful should drink. You know, not only does the zombie-stuff not sound “correct”, it sounds simply gross. No wonder you want to beat people senseless Annonymous, one just HAS to be senseless to believe that!
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“There have been a lot of weird things that i have seen in my life before, but this tops them all.” Have you ever seen that business where they elect a new pope, and all the world’s media show this same shaky telephoto shot of smoke coming out of a chimney on top of the vatican? Now THAT’s weird!
.
“If I were to ever have the displeasure of meeting your retarded ass, I would probably beat you senseless untill your stupid childish mind thought like a normal person and believed in something that sounds correct” I am glad that the people you regard as ‘normal’ are in fact **retards** (lovely word, that) who have been beaten badly enough to acquire further brain injury.
.
It just goes to support the hypothesis that there is a negative correlation between intelligence and religiosity (Howells, 1927; Carlsojn, 1933; Pothyress, 1975; Wiebe & Fleck, 1980; need I go on?).
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the FSM is over his head…
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These are the kind of things I love to read. I honestly can’t find any better form of hypocrisy than I find here.
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Dear ANNONYMOUS
Ooh you’re so hard I’m literally trembling as I type.
You sad eleven year old
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Obviously this guy has never heard of satire. It’s amazing how upset he is over the beliefs of others, and willing to use violence because they differ from his. Very “Christian” of you buddy.
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My aren’t we cheerful?
You’re right. Your views are 100% correct all the time. it doesn’t matter that other faiths have been around longer then yours, or that other people have opinions. Our explanation for the progressive heating of this earth makes less sense than ignoring the issue of global warming or using it as a sign of the second coming. Jesus, throw me down to hell as fast as possible!
RAmen from the Asylum,
Indiearghhhh
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it really is embarassing to hear a fellow “christian” use that kind of language. speaking to “the lost” in that kind of tone makes them hate us even more. shame on you and may God help you.
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[b]“Eh, lets make a new religion..and what the hell, our ‘god’ should be a clump of spaghetti. Oh, and it should have eyes and be able to fly. Lets bow down to it and see how many people follow suit!”[/b]
I find that very hypocritical
So let me just rephrase that
“Eh, lets make a new religion..and what the hell, our ‘savior’ should be a Jewish zombie. Oh, and it should have special powers and be able to turn water into wine. Lets write a book about it and see how many people follow suit!”
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Hasn’t people got rights to belive in a relegion stop being so fuckin ridicoulous and let people have their imagination
I like this religion because it omaginative and hasn’t got thoses sterotypical dieties
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Ahoy! ANNONYMOUS,
No fresh beer volcano for you and no strippers.
RAmen
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This is a literate fucktard. Bet he’s actually Karl Rove or some other Xtian reactionary “intellectual” like Bill Bennett who lectured everyone on morality so continuously that the Bush I administation seriously consider creating the post of “Morality Czar” specially for him until it was revealed he was a chain smoker and compulsive gambler who blew 8 million dollars in book royalties at the crap tables while high priced hookers blew on his hand to give him a hot roll.
This is part of the problem, no one espousing this snake oil belief system that has been adopted by the white trash xtain hillbilly 25% hard core Bush supporters understands that the welter of shit they have bought into is as demented and nonsensical as anything either Bobby or Lewis Carrol or anyone else has ever created. No more empirical evidence exists for it, many of the “believers” do no literally believe in it, but demand others do because they see it as a useful form of social control, and even the ones that believe wind up snorting coke off a hooker’s ass first time the true believer(s) give them an extra $10,000 in disposable income. Hard to fight human nature, isn’t it?
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Take out all the references to the FSM, and insert anything about Islam, and it sounds like something I heard outside a McCain/Palin rally…
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I’m definitely on to something here; contains ‘retarded’, ‘dumb’ and ’shit’: does not contain reasoned argument. Are the two mutually exclusive? Discuss.
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“I know there’s such a thing as freedom of speech and expression, but this kinda shit should be banned.”
Rarely is irony this succinct. Nice job.
“If I were to ever have the displeasure of meeting your retarded ass, I would probably beat you senseless untill your stupid childish mind thought like a normal person and believed in something that sounds correct”
No doubt the recommended recourse of followers of the “One God One Holy Word” sect you speak of.
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Grand. Yet another one of those “OMG you guys are total idiots and I have the right to apply science to you while forbidding its retroactive application to my own religion” types. Have fun with your biased analysis, because if you can do it, we can definitely do it as well.
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Some of these hate letters make me wonder whether people new to the website ever get past the front page…
-Torteh
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“Theres is only one God and one Holy Word.”
Lack of an apostrophe aside – I’m pretty sure the much larger number of Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, and other non-Christian religious folks would disagree with your intrepretation there. Are you going to ban them from freedom of expression, too?
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My only regret is that the original writer will never-ever develop the capacity to appreciate the delicious hypocracy.
It truly is divine.
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Dear Sincerly (sic) Annonymous (sic):
Too sad that freedom of speech is only for you, not for any others. Too sad that beating people senseless is a virtuous thing for you. Too sad that your comment includes many words and attitudes that many gods/religions would consider irreligious or blasphemous(at mimimum).
Too sad you can’t spell.
Oh … and if you are a christian (from your comments you could well be from another faith, but your use of “holy word” and your use of “hell” as a punishment leads me to the assumption that your do indeed profess to believe in a christian god), too sad that you simply damn non-believers to hell, since the christian faith wants you to forgive trespasses … or is that too “old” a value for you?
As a “folower” (sic), may I suggest that you check the definitions of “spoof”", and “satire”? And, if you wish intelligent people to consider your “thoughts” seriously that use spellcheck and grammarcheck (including punctuation usage) before you post? And finally, most importantly, that you develop a sense of humo(u)r?
Have a good day!
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i agree 110% FSM is stupid. i cant believe i ever fell for this one. Talking snakes is so much more real. i hate you people and im gonna beat your ass in public if i ever see you. He’s right, screw your stupid website. I cant believe my children are going to have to listen to people like you one day. I remember growing up that we got our values from the good people of the 700 club and jerry falwell. it was called the moral majority for a reason! So all you self-righteous people talking shit about ANNONYMOUS not having good morals need to shut the hell up! Yur rurnin’ merica!
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He was doing so well until he tried to spell his name.
“There’s is only one God and one Holy Word. Why dont you people get that?”
This is precisely what concerns me about you people. What about all the other religions out there? Are the followers of, say, Hinduism, for example, “dumb asses” that should be “damned to hell” because they don’t believe in your God?
“If I were to ever have the displeasure of meeting your retarded ass, I would probably beat you senseless [...]”
I think you’ll find that, if you carefully examine your bible, this action would make you most unpopular in the eyes of Jesus Christ.
Forgiveness and peace, brother.
Ramen,
Chris
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I take back the first thing I said about him doing so well until he tried to spell his name. “Annonymous” was FAR from the first spelling mistake in that dribble.
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Why can they NEVER spell. LMAO.
It’s OK, we love you even though you worship a false god.
RAmen.
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