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I am not trying to be rude

Published January 4th, 2008 by Bobby Henderson

I am not trying to be rude but there is one hole in this religion that I need to point out. Pirates. How in the world do pirates have anything to do with global warming? There just people like any of us. Pirates are not different from us in anyway except for the way they act. Which (not to be rude) is totally barbaric. I think that this part of the religion needs to be thought over more to give a better explanation.
-STN

[Part 2]:

Ok, really this is the part of this religion that makes no sense. I mean how can pirates have any effects on the quality of the air in our ecosystem? I mean pirates are just humans with worse tempers and better clothes. We all know the reason for Global Warming is the pollutants in the air and increasing green house gases. If people would be more tidy and instead of throwing away there garbage; recycle it. Also with trees. If we could find a alternative way of staying the same as now but using different materials then we would be set in the department. Global Warming is a cause of humans acting stupid and not taking care of mother earth. Pirates; the only good thing about them is the fact that they look cool and plunder.

But either way I think that we need to have this part of this religion re-thought about.
-STN



82 Responses to “I am not trying to be rude”

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  1. ☠DutchPastaGuy☠ says:

    Let me explain. Pirates are the FSMs chosen people. They are not the murderous thugs they are made out to be. That reputation is the result of a Vatican-led effort to slander pirates. The Catholic church, as well as other churches that preach other (i. e., false) religions than Pastafarianism are jealous of the special favour with which the FSM looks at pirates. And tragically, their persecution of pirates has been all too successful. Pirate numbers have dwindled dramatically over the last few centuries. The false persecution of His chosen ones has greatly upset the FSM. Global warming is his warning to mankind to improve our ways. A pretty mild and merciful warning I think you will agree, after centuries in which so many of His chosen ones have been hanged. So the official dress codefor Pastafarianis is full pirate regalia. Wearing a pirate outfit helps fight global warming.
    .
    If you are among the ultra-skeptics who do not accept this explanation then let me point out something else to you. Each year during Halloween people dress up, some as pirates. So there is a short spike in the number of pirates. The FSM, in His great mercy, for He is merciful indeed, then grants the world several months off from gw. And this has been observed for centuries. Every year after Halloween there are several months without gw, when it is even downright cold. Such a perfectly repeating cycle could not have come about by accident. What do you think the chances of that would have been?! Clearly there is a design to that pattern. The only possible explanation is the FSM. All hail to His Noodly appendages.
    RAmen.

  2. Toby says:

    Well, at least (s)he’s trying to be polite.

    But, not to be rude, but THAT’s the biggest hole (s)he sees in our religion? Pirates?

  3. Eric says:

    Well evolutionists tell us that we share 95% DNA with monkeys. But look at this

    We share 99.9% DNA with pirates. I think its more plausible that we have evolved from them, don’t you?

    Pirates are His chosen people. His disciples, if you will. After making the world, I’m presuming that His Noodlyness wanted to preserve his disciples with the constraint that if we do not have pirates, the world will end.

    So from that conjecture, I have easily proven that without Pirates, the world will end: I.E. “Global Warming.”

    So let us all grab our eye patches and bowls of mighty pasta!

    RAmen!

  4. Scooter says:

    I am just wondering how many of you will be joining in on the festivities:

    http://www.privateerdragons.com/festivals.html

  5. Lazlow says:

    “I think that this part of the religion needs to be thought over more to give a better explanation.”
    .
    You mean you don’t like this part of the truth, because to you it sounds unreasonable, so now you want to change it so it’s more reasonable and fits your agenda a little better? That reminds of another, more flawed, religion. Maybe you should stick with that, it’s used to cherry-picking and editing. I think it’s even encouraged.

  6. Scuba Steve says:

    Pirates are cool, thus cooling the surface of the earth. The rise of the “hell-fire and damnation” religions has obviously combined with the lack of pirate-cooling-effect to raise the temperature of the earth.
    My conspiracy theory: xians want us to go to hell (as they have stated many times). They have also stated that they are waging war on us, obviously in an effort to diminish the renewing strength of pirates and increase global warming. Global warming is their chance to make hell on earth, thereby fulfilling their desire to send us all to hell.

  7. Giles says:

    Just look at the facts… (if the numbers are a bit over your head we even have a graph)

    Some people really scare me… really.

    (Please don’t breed)

  8. StJason says:

    Whoo-hoo! Guys, you realize what that means?!? We have the most perfect religion! Only one hole in our religion! Take that Buddism! Eat our dust Ancestor Worship!!

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