Do something better with your life, your a joke.
1302 Responses to “your a joke”
Pages: « 1 … 58 59 60 61 62 [63] 64 65 66 » Show All
-
1241 - November 28th, 2007 at 3:46 pm - Pluto (Not sorry at all!) Says:
Q: Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem. -
1242 - November 28th, 2007 at 3:49 pm - PacificPam Says:
I see you guys have been busy…!
-
1243 - November 28th, 2007 at 3:50 pm - Pluto (Not sorry at all!) Says:
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
.
“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”
.
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said. “You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.
.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said, “You may pass through the pearly gates.”
.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s glasses.
.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”
.
The man replied, “They’re Carol’s.” -
1244 - November 28th, 2007 at 3:52 pm - Pluto (Not sorry at all!) Says:
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”
.
“She did,” he replied. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?” -
1245 - November 28th, 2007 at 3:55 pm - Pluto (Not sorry at all!) Says:
There are currently 78 people named S. Claus
living in the U.S. — and one Kriss Kringle.
(You gotta wonder about that one kid’s parents)
.
December is the most popular month for nose jobs.
.
Weight of Santa’s sleigh loaded with one Beanie Baby
for every kid on earth: 333,333 tons.
.
Number of reindeer required to pull a 333,333-ton s
sleigh: 214,206 — plus Rudolph.
.
Average wage of a mall Santa: $11 an hour.
With real beard: $20.
.
To deliver his gifts in one night, Santa would have to
make 822.6 visits per second, sleighing at 3,000 times
the speed of sound.
.
At that speed, Santa and his reindeer would burst into flame
instantaneously.
.
Mery Xmas! -
1246 - November 28th, 2007 at 4:00 pm - storm petrel Says:
A blonde was on holiday in Ireland and went to visit Galway for the arts festival. While she was there, she noticed that many of the older buildings were built of limestone, or had limestone facades rather than red brick, and all the feilds outside of the town were divided by stone walls, rather than hedges like on the eastern side of the island.
.
Before she left Galway, she decided to ask a local why there was such an abundance of limestone. The man she asked happened to have always wondered about whether blondes were really as dumb as they were made out to be, but had been too worried about insulting any blondes he knew, so he decided to play a bit of a trick on her.
.
‘Well miss, it’s very simple really, have you been to Connemara during your stay here?’
.
The blonde, not sure what that would have to do with anything replied that she had, slightly confused.
.
‘You must have seen the rock farms so. What the people of Connemara do is they plant little rocks, pebbles really, around autumn, for some reason they need lots of wet and cold to grow. They then tend the little rocks as they grow bigger, some of the most talented farmers can coax their rocks into growing in perfect squares or rectangles, but most trim them down after harvesting.
As for the harvesting, it all depends on the size of rock needed. The stone walls seperating the fields actually tend to use the rocks that are removed when they thin the crop out. The big ones can take several years to grow.’
.
Although the blonde had been skeptical when the man started his story, she was now listening with rapt attention.
‘That’s amazing. You Irish really have an amazing connection with the earth, you can grow rocks and burn earth.’
.
As she walked away, happy to have learned something new, the man scratched his head and desperatly tried not to laugh.
.
.
.
.
A picture of a Connemara rock farm and farm house http://www.connemara.net/photography/index.aspx -
1247 - November 28th, 2007 at 4:09 pm - PacificPam Says:
Ok…No…I don’t have any…
-
1248 - November 28th, 2007 at 4:58 pm - Pluto (Not sorry at all!) Says:
“Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman”
.
1. A Christmas tree doesn’t care how many other Christmas
trees you have had in the past.
2. Christmas trees don’t get mad if you use exotic electrical
devices.
3. A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you have an artificial one
in the closet.
4. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
5. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you look up underneath it.
6. When you are done with a Christmas tree, you can throw it
on the curb and have it hauled away.
7. A Christmas tree doesn’t get jealous around other Christmas
trees.
8. A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you watch football all day.
9. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you tie it up and throw it
in the back of your pickup truck. -
1249 - November 28th, 2007 at 5:05 pm - St John the Blasphemist Says:
I dread to see how long this will take to load if I click on the ’show all’ link.
.
Jesus walks into an inn, throws some nails on the counter & says “Can you put me up for the night?”
.
St John the Blasphemist
Saint of Record Threads -
1250 - November 28th, 2007 at 5:09 pm - PacificPam Says:
“Why Is A Christmas Tree Better Than A Man”
1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the
lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you break one of
its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it’s past its
’sell by’ date.
9. You don’t have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
.
I have to say that I dispute point No. 2..but…still fun -
1251 - November 28th, 2007 at 5:09 pm - PacificPam Says:
Happy Holey Days!
-
1252 - November 28th, 2007 at 5:14 pm - St John the Blasphemist Says:
@rmw
“By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.”
.
Qantas hasn’t either. They had a close call a few years back, but no actual accidents. Unless of course you mean major US airlines–as if no major airline existed outside the good ol’ YewEssofAyy.
.
Come to think of it, neither has Virgin
.
St John the Blasphemist
Saint of Contradictory Remarks -
1253 - November 28th, 2007 at 6:31 pm - Jennyanydots Says:
Are products male or female?
.
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold
everything in, but you can see right through them.
.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned
off, it takes a while to warm them up again. Also,
they are an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you
push the wrong buttons.
.
TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily
and are often over inflated.
.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get
them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under
their arse.
.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft,
squeezable and retain water.
.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they’re constantly being
looked at and frequently getting hit on.
.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the
same old lines for picking up people.
.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time,
all the weight shifts to the bottom.
.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years,
they’ve hardly changed at all, and are occasionally
handy to have around.
.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought
it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a
man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he
doesn’t always know which buttons to push, he just
keeps trying. -
1254 - November 28th, 2007 at 6:32 pm - Jennyanydots Says:
And by the way, what’s with the christmas obsession? It’s way too early yet.
-
1255 - November 28th, 2007 at 6:34 pm - rmw Says:
@St. John the Blashphemist–I have no idea if the UPS/accidents thing is true or not–it came with the email! (Which of course, I just cut and pasted on here.) And as far as US airlines goes, besides accidents (always a major concern–or should be anyway), they just can’t seem to get anywhere on time. That’s why I like Lufthansa–those efficient Germans know how to get somewhere ON TIME!! (Take note United, Delta, et al.)
.
Um…a joke…okay, but it’s bad: What does a physicist duck say?
.
Quark, quark, quark! -
1256 - November 28th, 2007 at 6:35 pm - PacificPam Says:
Good one Jennyanydots!
.
I don’t know about the Christmas thing…ask Pluto. -
1257 - November 28th, 2007 at 6:38 pm - Jennyanydots Says:
@ rmw/St John - think I received an identical e-mail at one point that identified the comments as Qantas, making reference to the Australian technicians having a particular sense of humour.
-
1258 - November 28th, 2007 at 6:39 pm - rmw Says:
All right Jennyanydots, here are some non-Christmas jokes.
.
A Professor was giving a lecture on “Involuntary Muscular Contractions” to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, “Do you know what
your ass hole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?”She replied, “Probably deer hunting with his buddies.”
The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the lecture.
.
This morning, I was in a huge hurry and on my way to work. I was preoccupied with what my day held and I rear-ended a car at a stop light because I was not really paying attention. I had hot coffee in my lap and I was running late.“Great, just great”, I muttered.
The driver opened his door, leaned out of his car and stared at me.
He was a dwarf.
He got out, studied the damage on his bumper, and walked towards me as I rolled down my window.
He said, “I’m not happy”…
To which I replied, “Well then…which one are you?”
-
1259 - November 28th, 2007 at 6:40 pm - Jennyanydots Says:
Can’t say I didn’t ask for that!
-
1260 - November 28th, 2007 at 6:42 pm - Jennyanydots Says:
When one breeds an angora rabbit with an Easter Bunny is that a cross hair?
.
Good Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Easter.
Bad Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Xmas.
.
Altzheimer’s Advantage #2 :- You can hide your own Easter eggs.
.
Q. What do Easter Bunny helpers get for making a basket?
A. Two points, just like anyone else.
.
Q. What’s invisible and smells like carrots?
A. The Ether Bunny
.
Q. Why did the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
A. He doesn’t want the other bunnies to know tht he was fooling around with the chickens.
.
Easter has been canceled folks. They found the body.
.
Do-It-Yourself Easter Kit: 2 boards, 3 nails, and a martyr!
.
Knock, knock…
Who’s there?
“Ether”!
“Ether” who?
“Ether” Bunny!
