Do something better with your life, your a joke.
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An elaborate spoof on Intelligent Design, The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is neither too elaborate nor too spoofy to succeed in nailing the fallacies of ID. It's even wackier than Jonathan Swift's suggestion that the Irish eat their children as a way to keep them from being a burden, and it may offend just as many people, but Henderson, described elsewhere as a 25-year-old "out-of-work physics major," puts satire to the same serious use that Swift did. Oh, yes, it is very funny. -- Scientific American
A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 tequilas. The bartender asked, “what’s wrong,” and the guy says that he just found out that his younger son is gay. The bartender says, “I’m sorry about that.” After a couple of days the guy comes back and orders 15 tequilas. The bartender asked, “What’s wrong now,” to which the guy responds That he found out that his older son was gay, too. The bartender says that he’s sorry. The guy returned a few days later and ordered 20 tequilas. The bartender burst out, “Isn’t anyone in your family gettin’ any pussy?!” The guy gets really pissed and says, “Yeah, my wife!!!!!”
Woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband,
“Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!”
“Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”
“Whatever. Just so you’re out of the house by noon!”
It is two o’clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and before he can say anything, some talking came from the other end of the line and the husband says “How the heck do I know - what am I, the weather man?” and promptly slams the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, “Who was that?” The husband replies, “I don’t know, it was some bloke who wanted to know if the coast was clear.”
Damn this is still going…..
Your face is a joke…
You are a joke if you just look for people to say “You have no life” to.
Also, I will post a blonde joke as well. (I’m blonde, so I have the right to say this rofl)
A blonde chick walks into CircuitCity and she sees a beautiful HD T.V. She tells the shop owner she would like to buy one but he says “Sorry, we don’t sell products to blondes.” So she storms off and comes back with a black wig. She requests it again, but the shop owner says “Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes.” She says “How did you know I was blonde?”. He says “Because a piece of your blonde hair is sticking out.” So she comes back with her entire hair dyed black. The shop owner still says “Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes.” Furious, she asks “How did you know I was blonde!?” And the shop owner says: “Because that’s a microwave.”
Your a joke?
Yes. Indeed. But at least we no teh difference btween your n you’re. Muhaha. I put this in language you might understand and everything…aren’t I nice?
1st: What do you call a bunch of lesbians in a closet?
A: A liquor cbanet
2nd: What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
A: I can’t see with all this shit in the way!
Sorry I mean Cabnet*
hahahahaha, still here….mmmmmm
Man in a trench coat walks up to the counter at the airport and wants a boarding pass. Ticket lady asks him for his ticket, to check the departure time, flight number and so forth. Man says again: “I want a boarding pass. And I want it now!” Ticket lady again asks for the ticket. Man opens the trench coat and “flashes her”. Ticket lady calmly responds: “I asked for your ticket; I don’t have to see your stub.”
A guy goes to a doctor and says, “Doc, you’ve got to help me. My penis is orange.” Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy’s penis isn’t orange. Doc tells the guy, “This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person’s life.”
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Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, “How are things going at work?” The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, “No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I’m getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy.” So the doc figures this isn’t the reason.
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He asks the guy, “How’s your home life?” The guy says, “Well, I got divorced about eight months ago.” The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, “No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch.” So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.
.
He inquires, “Do you have any hobbies or a social life?” The guy replies, “No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos.”
This thread is never going to end.
.
Two businessmen were taking a break while setting up their soon-to-open store’s shelving units. There they sat, in the middle of nothing but empty shelves. One said, “I bet any minute now some smart aleck will stick his head in the door and ask what we’re selling.”
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Within minutes, a man did just that, “Hey, boys, whacha sellin’?” One businessmen responded sarcastically, “We’re selling assholes.”
.
Without missing a beat, the man rejoined, “Looks like business is good; ya only got two left!”
Hello people! Dude, you should really spend more time on your hatemail if your going to post.
Why on earth would we want it to end, stormy? And can’t you just tell I’m collecting religious jokes now.
.
What’s the difference between a trampoline and a preacher?
I’ll take my boots off to jump on a trampoline!
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Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the
date back a little just to be funny.
.
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy.
A Christian, a Muslim and a Buddhist die and arrive at the Gate of Heaven. An
angel (or diva) stops them and asks, “Why do you come here? Can you tell me the
reasons why you are allowed to enter Heaven?”
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The Christian replies, “My ancestors disobeyed God, and I sinned all my life:
I killed, I lied, I cheated my wife and I was greedy. However, Jesus died for me
and all my sins are forgiven. So I deserved to enter Heaven.”
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“OK,” replies the Angel. “Sounds good, but I must give you an entrance
examination before you can enter.” The Christian promptly agrees and the Angel
asks him: “How do you spell God?” It is an easy question, and the Christian
passes through the Gate.
.
Next came the Muslim, who says, “I had not done any good or evil things during
my life but I was very devout. I prayed to God five times a day. So, I too
should enter Heaven.” The Angel replies, “It sounds OK to me, but I have to give
you a test also. How do you spell Allah?” The Muslim passed the test.
.
Finally, it is the Buddhist’s turn, who tells the Angel, “I had done all the
good things in my life and I followed Buddha’s five precepts: I never killed, I
donated to charities, I meditated every day, and I never cheated my boss or my
customers.” The Angel replies, “That is very good, but there are no exceptions.
You must pass the entrance test also in order to get in.” Thinking that the test
should be simple, he agrees to take the test.
.
The Angel then asks him: “How to spell Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva?”
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road he stopped
and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing the habit to open and reveal a leg.
The priest looks and nearly has an accident, and after changing gear lets his
hand slide up her leg. She immediately says “Father remembers psalm 129.”
The priest apologizes profusely and removes his hand but is unable to remove
his eyes from her leg.
Further on when he changes gear and has ogled at her leg for the zillionth
time he lets the hand slide up the leg again. The Nun once again says “Father
remembers psalm 129″.Once again the priest apologizes “Sorry sister but you know
the flesh is weak.”
Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes on his way.
Once he arrives at his church he rushes to the bible and looks up psalm 129 it
said: “GO FORTH AND SEEK, FURTHER UP YOU WILL FIND GLORY”
And finally, just because this one particularly entertained me…
.
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Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter.
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“When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?” asks St. Peter.
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The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”
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The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”
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The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say…. LOOK!!! HE’S
MOVING!!!!”
Three nuns go to heaven, and meet Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. He says that, to test their faith in life, each must answer a question about the Bible.
The first nun steps forwards, and Saint Peter asks “Who was the first man?”
The nun, of course, says “Adam.” Saint Peter nods and lets her into heaven.
The second nun steps forwards, face all aglow with hope. Saint Peter asks her “Who was the first woman?”
“Eve.” she replies, and Saint Peter nods and lets her into heaven.
The third nun steps forward, and Saint Peter asks her “And what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?”
The nun thought. And she thought. And she thought. At last, fed up at the difficulty of the question, she says
“Bloody hell, that’s a hard one!”
It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
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At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.
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“All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?” “Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.” He said, “Fuck him, give him a dollar.” The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”