Do something better with your life, your a joke.
Connect with other Pastafarians
Propaganda Buttons
Add these buttons to your site:
RSS Feeds
Support the Cause
The Church is funded entirely by your purchases of FSM merchandise. Thank you for your support.
Purchase the Gospel
An elaborate spoof on Intelligent Design, The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is neither too elaborate nor too spoofy to succeed in nailing the fallacies of ID. It's even wackier than Jonathan Swift's suggestion that the Irish eat their children as a way to keep them from being a burden, and it may offend just as many people, but Henderson, described elsewhere as a 25-year-old "out-of-work physics major," puts satire to the same serious use that Swift did. Oh, yes, it is very funny. -- Scientific American
I don’t get it….
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, “I was cleaning in Father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines.” “What did you do?” the other nuns asked. “Well, of course I threw them in the trash.” The second nun said, “Well, I can top that. I was in Father’s room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!” “Oh my!” gasped the other nuns. “What did you do?” they asked. “I poked holes in all of them!” she replied. The third nun fainted.
As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren’t too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.
.
Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife’s bedroom door.
.
“KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!”
Husband: “Guess whom?”
Wife: “I know who it is!”
Husband: “Guess what I want?”
Wife: “I know what you want!”
Husband: “Guess what I’m knockin’ with?”
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he’s getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she’s a virgin and wants to stay that way.
.
“Well, okay,” he says, “how about a blow job?” “Yuck!” she screams. “I’m not putting that thing in my mouth!”
.
He says, “Well, then, how about a hand job?” “I’ve never done that,” she says. “What do I have to do?”
.
“Well,” he answers, “remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?” She nods. “Well, it’s just like that.”
.
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
.
“What’s wrong?!” she cries out.
.
“Take your thumb off the end!!”
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now.”
.
He looks at her and says angrily, “Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so.”
.
“Well, then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close properly.”
.
To which he replies, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have a Westinghouse logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so.”
.
“Fine,” she says, “Then, would you at least fix the steps to the front door? They’re a mess and a real hazard.”
.
“I’m not a damn carpenter and I don’t want to fix the steps,” he says. “Does it look like I have a Black and Decker logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so.” He continued, “In fact, I’ve had enough of all your bickering. I’m going to the bar!”
.
So, the pleasant husband goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. Sometime later, he starts to feel guilty about his treatment of his wife, so he decides to return home and help out with the chores.
.
As he walks into the house, he notices the steps have been repaired. Then, as he enters the house, he notices the hall light is working again, and, to top it off, when he goes to get a beer from the fridge, he notices the fridge door has been fixed.
.
“Honey, how’d this all get fixed?”
.
His wife replies, “Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then, a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either have sex with him or bake him a cake.”
.
“So, what kind of cake did you bake him?” asks the husband.
.
“Hellooooooo!” she replies emphatically, “Do you see a Betty Crocker logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so!”
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. “I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning?”
“There is,” he replied. “Breakfast.”
A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said “Rest in Peace”.
.
When the friend found out, she became angry and called the florist to complain. After she had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry she was, the florist said.
.
“Madam, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,
“Congratulations on your new location”.
A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says not bad.
Golfpro: “Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife’s breasts”. The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards.
The golf pro says “Excellent!” Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards.
Golfpro: “Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husbands dick.” She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.
Golfpro: “Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball.”
Spell much, whoever the bleep you are? YOU’RE! NOT YOUR! IF YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT OWNERSHIP, YOU DON’T PUT AN APOSTROPHE AND AN E AT THE END, BUT WHEN IT’S A CONTRACTION, YOU DO! Where the bleep were you back in third grade grammar class? And MY life’s a joke? Christians have to go to church once a week, pray before meals, pray before bedtime, and possibly say a whole bunch of Our Fathers, Hail Marys, pray on rosary beads, go to confess sins, and punish themselves when they do something bad. That last part only applies to Catholics. We eat some pasta, do awesome arts and crafts in the name of His Noodlyness, and make fun of people who send us hatemail who don’t know what the bleep THEY’RE talking about. And OUR lives are the joke. In speaking of jokes, Pluto, that last one was funny, but inpoor taste. I am certain that at least one thirteen year old girl has responded recently to this little gem, no prizes as to whom I am speaking of.
I meant “in poor”. Sorry. RAmen to you all!
Things You Don’t Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness
.
“I don’t know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.”
.
“Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he’s still moving.”
.
“Blink once for ‘yes’.”
.
“What do you mean we have the wrong patient?”
.
“Why is there a tag on his toe?”
.
“Do you think he can hear us?”
.
“I didn’t even know a human could bend that way.”
.
“I’m sorry, we must not have used enough anasthesia.”
.
“Just relax now. We’ll be done in a jiffy.”
.
“Hold the patient still, we’ve almost pried it open.”
.
“Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?”
.
“Of course I’ve performed this operation before, Nurse!”
.
“Nurse, make sure you’re getting all this down.”
.
“It’ll make a great ‘ER’ script.”
@Boheme Wench
I happen to like tastless jokes, so line ‘em up Pluto!
And typing in all caps is nearly as bad as the fundie
A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, “Have you done your chores yet?”
“No,” replies the boy, “but could I have breakfast first?”
.
“You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs.”
.
The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he kicks a chicken. Next, he walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig.
.
Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, “Where’s my eggs, my milk and my sausage?”
.
“Well,” says his mother, “I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don’t get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don’t get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don’t get any sausage.”
.
Just then, the boy’s father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, “Should I tell him now, or do you want to?”
This is something better. Would you rather have me be a muderer, a drug-dealer, a terrorist. Pastafarians pass the time here. At least we’re not blowing up innocents and ourselves in the name of god(s). Or messing with science becasue god said so.
Ok guys. I’ll never stop!
.
@Boheme Wench- Why do you use ‘Bleep’ in your text rather than just saying fuck, cunt, shit ect?
.
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?” “That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think about this…when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?”
.
A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun. He decides to approach her anyway. “Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and I must have sex with you.” he says. “I’m sorry but I’ve given my body to God” she replies and then leaves. Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says “I know a way you can get her in the sack.” The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he’s going to get some. The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says “Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you.” She replies “Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass.” The guy figures this isn’t a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever. After it is over he whips off his outfit and says “Surprise I’m the guy on the bus” With that the nun turns around and says “Surprise I’m the bus driver.”
It’s this man’s 33rd birthday. He gets a package at the Post Office and goes to collect it. At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the man says, “It’s my birthday today.” “Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?,” asks the Post Office worker. “33,” says the man. “Well, have a good day,” says the worker. “Thank you,” replied the man. To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives. The man says to the old lady, “It’s my birthday today.” “Oh, happy birthday,” says the old lady. “I’m…” “No don’t tell me,” interjects the old lady, “I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is.” “Oh yeah? What’s that then,” asks the man. “If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes, I can tell exactly how many years old you are,” says the old lady. “I don’t believe it.” “Well let me prove it!” “I’m not going to let you feel my balls!,” says the man. “Oh well, I guess you’ll never know then,” replies the lady. After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, “Oh, okay then, you can do it.” After a good feel of the man’s balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants. “You are 33 years old exactly,” she exclaims! “How the fuck did you know that?!,” exclaims the man, impressed. “I was behind you in the line at the Post Office,” said the lady.
A man and woman were dating and he asked her to marry him. She told him to prove his love to her she wanted him to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. When it was erect is said Wendy and when it was limp if said Wy. They got married and went to Jamaica to a nude beach for their honeymoon. Wendy told her husband to go get them a drink so he went to a stand on the beach and noticed the man who was waiting on him also has a Wy on his penis. He said oh you must have a wife named Wendy to and the waiter said no mine says Welcome to Jamaica man have a nice day!!!
A couple decided go to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said ” honey my hands are cold again”. So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood. 5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, “honey my hands are cold again”.
She then said, ” Damn don’t your ears ever get cold?”
Btw Pluto “I touch myself” is from the Divinyls.
Lots of fsm haters i see. well if your a christian you aint supose to judge!! DUH!!!!!