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An elaborate spoof on Intelligent Design, The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is neither too elaborate nor too spoofy to succeed in nailing the fallacies of ID. It's even wackier than Jonathan Swift's suggestion that the Irish eat their children as a way to keep them from being a burden, and it may offend just as many people, but Henderson, described elsewhere as a 25-year-old "out-of-work physics major," puts satire to the same serious use that Swift did. Oh, yes, it is very funny. -- Scientific American
“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I’ve been with a loose woman.”
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The priest sighs. “Is that you, little Tommy O’Shaughnessy?”
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“Yes, Father, ’tis I.”
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“And who might be the woman you were with?”
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“I shan’t be tellin’ you, Father. It would ruin her reputation.”
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“Well, Tommy, I’m bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O’Malley?”
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“I cannot say.”
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“Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?”
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“I’ll never tell.”
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“Was it Lisa O’Shanter?”
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“I’m sorry, but I’ll not name her.”
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“Was it Cathy O’Dell?”
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“My lips are sealed.”
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“Was it Fiona Mallory, then?”
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“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
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The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re a steadfast lad, Tommy O’ Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now.”
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Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”
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“Five more good leads!”
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A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her.
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She asks him why he is staring.
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He replies: “I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you”.
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She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
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“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
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She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic.”
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The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
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“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley, “maybe we will see what we can do.”
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The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
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“My dear child,” said the nun, why are you crying?”
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“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied. I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
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The nun says, “That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”
Bad day at work???
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This is even funnier when you realize it’s real! Next time you have a
bad day at work, think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation
diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs
on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.
She then sent it to a radio station in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was
sponsoring a worst job experience contest.
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Needless to say, she won.
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Hi Sue,
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Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office.
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I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all.
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Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
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As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool.
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So what we do to keep warm is this:
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We have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea, heats it to a delightful temperature, then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose.
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Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints.
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What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my bum started to itch.
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So, of course, I scratched it.
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This only made things worse.
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Within a few seconds my bum started to burn! I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.
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In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
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Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it. However, the crack of my bum was not as fortunate.
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When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my bum.
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I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
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His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
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Needless to say I aborted the dive.
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I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
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As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my bum as soon as I got in the chamber.
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The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t poo for two days because my bum was swollen shut.
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So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ar*e.
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Now repeat to yourself, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.
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Remember whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
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May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!
This one I loved!
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One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word ‘PENIS’ (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word ‘PENIS’ was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day’s lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day’s being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”
No-one deserves a jellyfish bad day!
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CLUES TO CALLING IT A NIGHT - YOU KNOW IT’S TIME TO GO HOME WHEN:
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1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
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2. You’ve just had to get someone to help you pull your undies up in the toilets.
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3. You suddenly decide you want to start a fight.
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4. In your last trip to the bathroom you realise you now look more like GAIL from Coronation Street than the sex pot you were just 4 hours ago.
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5. You drop your 3 a.m. chips on the floor of AbraKebabra and pick them up & carry on eating.
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6. You start crying.
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7. There are less than 3 hours before you’re due to start work.
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8. You’ve found a deeper side to nerdy gimp from payroll.
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9. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
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10. You’ve forgotten where you live.
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11. You start to sound like Tina Turner from the cigarettes you’ve smoked. Oh, and as you have mentioned 10 TIMES by now, you only smoke when you drink.
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12. You yell at the barman, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that’s just because you can no longer taste the Vodka.
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13. You think you’re in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza..
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14. You start every conversation with a booming, “Don’t take this the wrong way but…”
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15. You fail to notice that the toilet lid’s down when you sit on it.
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16. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
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17. You no longer smell of Chanel No.5 and instead reek of a pot-pourri of vomit and Heineken.
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18. You’re out-burping the lads.
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19. You just HAVE to tell your friends that you love them so much, just one more time.
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20. You’re at a table of strangers, flashing your tits, and you don’t remember how you got there.
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21. You’re so tired so you just sit on the floor.
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22. You smile to yourself like a some lunatic off the happy bus, unable to speak and have pint of soda water in your left hand and a bottle of bud in the right. Oh - and you have lost your keys, phone, money and bank cards
There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy.
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One day, she went to his parents’ house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking, they came upon 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she has never seen anything like this before.
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She asks the boy, “What are they doing?” He says: “They’re making love.”
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“Well, what’s that long thing he’s sticking in there?” She asked. “Oh, uh, that’s his rope,” he answered.
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“Well, what are those two round things on the other end?” she asked. He says, “Those are his knots.” She says, “Oh, ok, I got it.”
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As they continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in. She looks at him and says, “I want you to make love to me the way those animals were.” Surprised and excited, the boy agrees.
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While they are getting at it all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes. “Whoa, what are you doing?!” he shouts.
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The girl innocently replies, “I’m untying the knots so I’ll get more rope!”
What the Fuck.
That girl is stupid. 0.o
Holiday Banana Bread:
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Ingredients: 2 laughing eyes, 2 loving arms, 2 well shaped legs, 2 firm milk containers, 1 fur-lined mixing bowl, 1 large banana
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Instructions: 1 - look into laughing eyes and hold loving arms.
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2 - Spread well shaped legs slowly.
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3 - Squeeze & massage milk containers until the fur-lined mixing bowl is well greased - check with middle finger.
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4 - Add banana, work up and down until well creamed.
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5 - Lower nuts and sigh with relief. When banana is soft, bread is done!
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6 - Be sure to wash mixing utensils, but “do not lick the bowl.” NOTE: If bread rises, leave town.
@ storm petrel- Pam wants me to cook for her. I’ll give you recipe a try.
hahaahahahahahahaha
Good one!
I will try! I will Try! I will try!
Do you make good banana bread, hun?
An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells “Super Pussy!” The old man says “I’ll have the soup.”
One day a man was sitting in his favorite chair watching football when his wife walked up behind him and knocked him over the head with a frying pan.
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When he woke he asked, “What the hell was that for?!?”
“I found this piece of paper in your pants while I was doing your laundry and it says Mary Lou 555-5555. Who the hell is Mary Lou?!?” she asks.
“Aww honey, that’s the name of the horse I was bettin’ on last week!”
“Oh I’m so sorry honey!”
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Three weeks later she came behind him and knocked him over the head with a frying pan and once again he woke up asking, “What the hell did I do this time?!?”
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“Your horse called,” she replied.
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I think she must have been a Pastafarian wench to have such skill with a frying pan.
A teenager is walking downtown and a girl whispers to him, “Blowjob, five dollars”. He gives her a strange look and keeps walking. Soon another girl does the same thing. Confused, he keeps walking. The first thing out of his mouth when he returned home was “Mom, what’s a blowjob?”. His mom replies “Five dollars, just like downtown!”.
A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed. The blind man replied “Oh I’m not rewarding him, I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick his fuckin’ ass.”
A woman walks into the store and purchases the following: 1 small box of detergent
1 Bar of soap
3 individual servings of yogurt
2 oranges
1 stick of womens deodorant.
She then goes to the check out line.
Cashier: Oh, you must be single
Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?
Cashier: No, you’re fucking ugly!
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. “Hurry!” she said, “stand in the corner.” She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered. “Just pretend you’re a statue.”
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“What’s this, honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room. “Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.”
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No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
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“Here,” he said to the ’statue’, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.”
Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. “How’d you die?” the first man asks the second. “I froze to death,” says the second. “That’s awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?” says the first. “It’s very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping. How did you die?” says the second. “I had a heart attack”, says the first guy. “You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.” The second man shakes his head. “that’s so ironic” he says. “What do you mean?” asks the first man “If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”
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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, “What’s wrong with Schlitz, don’t you like it?” The man says, “I hate that shit. Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks.” The bartender says, “You drink a case of any beer you’re going to blow chunks”.
“You don’t understand” said the man, “Chunks is my dog.”
There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either of them died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the world beyond exactly 30 days after their death.
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Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.
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At the seance, she called out, “John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?”
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A ghostly voice answered her, “Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you.”
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Martha tearfully asked, “Oh John, what is it like where you are?”
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“It’s beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time.”
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“What do you do all day?” asked Martha.
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“Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there’s nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m.”
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Martha was somewhat taken aback. “Is that what heaven really is like?”
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“Heaven? I’m not in heaven, Martha.”
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“Well, then, where are you?”
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“I’m a rabbit in Arizona.”
Came up with this the other day:
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A lesbian walks into a bar.
Turns to her lover and says “A strap on would be better.”
??? ahahahahahahaha