Anyway, I feel the need to put a good word in here for my pal, the Apostrophe. A lot of people don’t know this, but Jesus loves Apostophes. He even (obviously) named his Apostles after the Apostrophe. I don’t know why more of these hate-mailers don’t use them.
We need to do something better with our lives? OK, we’ll pray before we eat, spend all day Sunday praying with other people at some building in the middle of town, pray before we sleep, and worship a zombie-jew-son of himself-father of himself.
Nope this is a joke…
.
A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to the side of the road.
A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.
The man says, “What’s the problem officer?”
Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ticket you.
Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man gives wife dirty look.]
Officer: I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks! [The man gives his wife another a dirty look.]
Officer: I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!
The Man turns to his wife and yells, “For cryin’ out loud, can’t you just shut up?!”
The officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?”
Wife says, “No officer, Only when he’s drunk.”
Let’s see, “do something beter with my life”. I know! I’ll become a priest/pedophile! Such easy prey.
.
That sets up my a joke.
.
Q: What’s the best thing about getting head from a three-year-old?
.
A: When you get the photos developed, it makes your cock look a lot bigger.
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Yeah, I know - tasteless - but funny. Even with our loose moral standards, the FSM would never approve. That’s lower than whale shit in Davey Jones’ Locker. Arrrrgh!
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RAmen, Brethren
.
St. Arrrrgyle of A Sissy
Pirate Saint of Gay Apparel
I really should do something better with my life! I need Jesus! I need every inch of him! OH GOD YESSSS!!!!!! YESSS!!!!!!!!!!! *moans*
.
There’s a lot nuns ahead of you in the queue for that one. He visits them in various forms - from their own fingers, through candles to the various priests and cardinals of the church and their fellow nuns.
Terrible joke. I have a worse one:
Last night, the mob ordered a cow killed. The murderer used two miniature porcelain statues. This is the first case ,in our immediate area, of a Knick Knack patty-wack.
Two polos walking down the street.
They see a locket coming the other way.
One of the polos says “don’t ask questions just cross the road”. So they do.
A while later the second polo says “what was that all about”.
The first one says “You don’t want to be going near that locket. He’s fucking Menthol’”.
As for jokes, I heard a great one about a pirate a few months ago.
A sailor was sitting in a bar getting drunk when a pirate walked in. The pirate had a pegleg, a hook for a hand, and an eyepatch. The two of them started talking about their love for the sea and the beauty of its elemental power. They continued buying more and more rounds for each other and getting more and more drunk. Eventually the sailor got drunk enough to ask the pirate, “Where did you get that pegleg?”
.
The pirate replied, “I was on a mysterious island full of large mysterious beasts looking for buried treasure. While digging, I was assailed by a gigantic crocodile from behind. It was so large that its back went up to me chest! It tried to eat me, and probably could have swallowed me whole, but I noticed it and dodged most of its bite. It got me entire leg, but I drew me sword and killed it while standing on one foot, and after that, I still got my treasure.”
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The sailor replied, “That’s amazing! What about the hook?”
.
“Oh, that. Well, I was boarding a merchant ship that had just sold a full cargo of spices. I wanted to steal their gold. They defended themselves, of course. Their was a large swordfight, and for a while I was in the middle of three enemies, battling it out. One of them lobbed off me sword hand, but I caught me sword as it fell with my other one and ran them all through.”
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“That’s stunning! You killed three people while surrounded and bleeding using your uncoordinated hand! What about the eyepatch? Is there an cool story to go with that?”
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“Umm. No. I’d rather not tell you how I got it.”
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“Oh, come on, you can tell me.”
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“Alright, fine. An ablatross crapped in me eye.”
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“That’s it? An albatross crapped in your eye?”
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“Well… it was me first day with me hook.”
.
.
.
I love that joke.
-Avatar of Reason
I get most jokes but this one bothers me. I haven’t a clue. It starts ” Two polos walking down the street.”
I’ve tried dictionary.com but can’t seem to figure out any of the terms. What’s a “polo”? What’s a “locket”? What does menthol have to do with anything? Help me obiwan Kanobe, you’re my only hope.
Lockets come in Menthol:
. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Menthol
.
The joke is essentially a pun between the words Menthol and Mental and plays on a set of common constructs in which people and occasionally objects have conversations ending in a weak pun.
.
Many of the conversations take place in bars, but other settings - including the street - are common.
.
M’lud.
Two muffins are cooking in the oven.
The first one leans over to the second and says “Wow, it’ getting fucking hot in here.”
The second one looks back and says “Holy shit, a talking muffin.”
The Prophet, and all of us Pastafarians, are doing something very worthwhile.Following the FSM, stopping kids from being subjected to religious brainwashing, not giving in to cosmic Jewish zombies.
My a joke? I don’t have an ‘a joke’. Sure, I have a lot of jokes that I consider ‘A-class’ in humour, but I don’t refer to them as ‘a jokes’. You’re weird.
.
St John the Blasphemist
Saint of Champagne Humour
@Bookem Oct 23rd, 2007 at 9:14 am: “…Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!
The Man turns to his wife and yells, “For cryin’ out loud, can’t you just shut up?!”
The officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?”
Wife says, “No officer, Only when he’s drunk.”
.
The original joke was French, and was performed by the great Fernand Raynaud in the 6o’s. I’ll add the original punch line (translated of course):
.
The grandfather, from the back seat: “And I KNEW it! I KNEW all we’d have would be troubles, with a stolen car!”
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Originally, the car was stopped by the police in order to give the driver an award for careful driving…
@bombadil Oct 23rd, 2007 at 1:58 pm: “YES! i found a lotr geek YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
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You’ll find a lot more of those here… pity you didn’t make it to the movie!
Three frogs are in a bathtub. One says “Would you pass the soap?” and the other says “What do I look like, a typewriter?” Anyway, why is a joke not a worthwhile thing to do? I was under the impression that commedians make a reasonable living.
a leprechaun walks into a bar and says “gimme a green beer”
bartender says “we don’t have any, now go away”
leprechaun leaves
he comes back and says “gimme a green beer”
bartender says ” go away”
leprechaun leaves
comes back, says “gimme a green beer”
the bartender says “last chance, go away or I’ll nail ye to the floor”
the leprechaun leaves
he comes back and says ” do you have any nails?”
“no”
” in that case, gimme a green beer”
LOTR rocks…I’m keeping my fingers crossed about the Hobbit. It is a children’s book and should be much different than LOTR. Hope Jackson remembers that.
My doc told me I should consider writing when I told him my problem with nausea had gotten out of hand. I said I know I am a polytheist and all, but I never intended the Porcelain Goddess to be my main deity, nor the daily prayers!
I think the poor man pulled something laughing.
Ok… a little boy walks into a whorehouse dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. He walks up to the madam, slams $200 down on the table and says “I need a hooker!….. An UGLY one!!!…. And she HAS to have active herpes!”
The madam is a little concerned about the boy, but she takes his money and leads him up the stairs to see his hooker anyway… and he’s still dragging the dead frog all the way up the stairs.
When the little boy finished, he was on his way down the stairs, dead frog still dragging behind him, when the madam stopped him in his tracks.
“Little boy! You must tell me: What are you doing here? Why do you need a hooker with herpes? And what the HELL is up with that frog?”
“That’s easy,” replied the little boy. “When I go home, I’m gonna have sex with my baby-sitter. Then my baby-sitter’s gonna have sex with my dad, then my dad’s gonna have sex with my mom, and THEN my mom is gonna have sex with the mailman… and THAT is the bastard that RAN OVER MY FROG!!!!!!”
A little girl asks her mom, “Mommy, last night I saw you on top of daddy. What were you doing?”
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Her mother decides her daughter is old enough to know the truth, so she says, “Well, your daddy was putting his penis inside me, and that gets you a baby.”
.
The little girl thinks about this for a minute, then says, “well last week I saw you had his penis in your mouth. What does that get you?”
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The mom looks at her daughter and says, “Jewelry, my dear, lots and lots of jewelry.
There was a little boy about 5 years old and he and his parents were getting ready for thanksgiving. His parents were both very stressed and they were fighting a lot. He over hears his dad calling his mom a bitch and his mom calling his dad a bastard. When they stop fighting the little boy goes up to his mother and asks, “Mommy what is a bastard?”
she says “um, it’s a very nice man.”
then the boy goes to his dad and asks “daddy, what is a bitch?”
the father says, “it’s a very nice man”
The boy is satisfied with the answers and goes to play in his room.
Later he hears his parents yelling again. “dick!” “boob!”
The little boy finds his father starting to shave and asks him what those words mean. the father says they are hats and coats.
suddenly the father nicks himself and yells, “shit!”
“Daddy what does that mean?”
“It’s a way of shaving, now let me finish”
So the boy wanders away and finds his mother is the kitchen carving the turkey. As he’s coming up behind her she slices her finger and yells “fuck!”
“Mommy what does that mean?”
She explains that it’s a way of carving the turkey.
Just then the doorbell rings. The little boy goes to answer the door, their relatives had all arrived. The boy smiles wide and says “Happy Thanksgiving bitches and bastards, may I take your dicks and boobs while my dad’s shitting and my mom’s fucking the turkey?”
This one’s a classic…
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
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After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
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The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
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So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”
12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry,”
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s!
A guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office with a duck on his head. The psychiatrist says, “Oh, my. What seems to be the problem?” The duck says, “I’m ok, but can you get this guy off my ass?”
Here’s one:
.
It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was
establishing the fact
that she’d take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking
the roll, she was told
by one boy “My name is Johnny Fuckhauer”. So she said “There’ll be
none of that kind of
thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!”. The kid said “No,
really teacher, it IS
Johnny Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask
my brother if you
don’t believe me!” Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing,
the teacher went
across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door. The
fourth grade teacher
had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she
entered the room and
directly asked the class “Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?” “Hell no!”
replied a little kid
from the front row, “We don’t even get a cookie break!”
so the door rings at a whore house and a prostitute answers. She looks down and sees a guy with no arms or legs in a wheel chair.
“now what do you intend to do here?” asks the whore
“well i rang the bell didn’t i?” winked the man
I noticed a knick knack joke earlier….well i’ve got an even better one…
A frog goes into a bank and walks up to the window. He can see from the teller’s nameplate that the teller’s name is Patricia Whack. So he says, “Ms. Whack, I’d like to get a loan to buy a yacht and go on a cruise.” Ms. Whack asks how much money he wants to borrow. The frog says around $55,000. Ms. Whack asks the frog his name and he replies “Kermit Jagger, it shouldn’t be a problem, I know the branch manager.” Ms. Whack explains that $55,000 is a large sum of money and that he will need to put up something as collateral against the loan. She asks “do you have anything as collateral?” Kermit says, “Sure, I have this,” and produces a small pewter cricket, about an inch tall. Stunned, Ms. Whack explains that she’ll have to speak with the branch manager and walks into an office at the front of the bank. She finds the branch manager and says: “There’s a frog by the named of Kermit Jagger out there who says he knows you and wants to borrow $55,000. He wants to use this as collateral.” She holds up the small pewter cricket. “Like, what is this thing suppose to be?” So the branch manager looks back at her and says:
“It’s a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
so a boy walks in on his parents going at it. he says “mommy what are you doing to daddy?”
“i’m trying to flatten his tummy dear” she blushes
” i don’t know why you bother,” says the boy “whenever you leave the maid blows it back up.”
A priest and pastor from local churches are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!”
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
“Leave us alone you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
“Do you think,” said one clergyman to the other, “we should just put up a sign that says ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”
A Catholic girl about the age of 18 walks into the Confession box. She says “Forgive me father, I have sinned. I called a man a son of a bitch”. Now, why did you do that, my dear?” he asks.
.
“Well…he touched my hand…”
.
“Like this?” The priest says, caressing her hand.
.
“Yes. But he also began rubbing my breast.”
.
“Like this?” The priest asked, fondling her breast.
.
“That’s no reason to call a man that…” the priest said.
.
Well, father…he raped me.” She said, tears welling up.
.
“Like this?!” The priest groaned, lifting up her skirt.
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“YES FATHER!!! YES!!!”
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Once he was done, “Well, that’s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.”
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“But Father…he had AIDS!”
.
“That son of a bitch!”
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy named “Clint”, and
bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to
Clint, “You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a
day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first
wish?”
Clint says, “I want to see my horse.” The Indians get his horse. Clint
grabs the horse’s ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on
the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back
with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee
with Clint.
The Indians look at each other, figuring, “Typical white man - can
only think of one thing.” The second day, the chief says, “What your
wish today?”
Clint says, “I want to see my horse again.” The Indians bring him his
horse. Clint leans over to the horse and whispers something in the
horse’s ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse
comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee
with the Clint. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, “Typical
white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing.”
The last day comes, and the chief says, “This your last wish, white
man. What you want?” Clint says, “I want to see my horse again.” The
Indians bring him his horse.
Clint grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, “Read
my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!”
Better with our lives?
Man, this person needs to articulate more, on that note, he is likely a devout member of some more ‘valid’ religion and making an attempt to cause the downfall of our little societal niche. GAH these people are great for laughs, especially when they haven’t even considered they might be the ones with the ‘wrong’ religion.
My eyes are burning from a complete lack of syntactical accuracy. Perhaps some punctuation wouldn’t hurt. Perhaps it would also help to use the correct “you’re”.
So a Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrott on his shoulder and the bartender says “Hey, cool! Where did you get that?” and the parrott says “France! They got millions of them there!”.
bombadil
Oct 23rd, 2007 at 2:03 pm
because “he wasn’t important” damn peter jackson it explains how merry got the sword that hurt the witch king!!! aragorn didn’t give it to him!
*
He now gets it from Galadriel. Sorry Tom, but something had to go and as Peter Jackson said: they met allright, we just didn’t show it :)
PS How’s the wife?
Noodly0ne
Oct 23rd, 2007 at 3:06 pm
y’know less violent and depressing.
*
Less violent??? Let’s see: giant spiders, a dragon, a big battle, dwarfs captured by elves, more spiders (yugh), orcs, a game with Bilbo’s life at stake…. Hmmmm, nowhere near as violent indeed. I’m sure I’m forgetting some parts right now :)
*
I really hope Peter Jackson and weta get to work on the hobbit, boy, I hope so!
This is an old Indian (sorry Native American) Joke.
.
A farmer is gathering hay for the winter, but he’s not sure how much he needed.
So he tells his farm hand “go up into the mountains and ask the old shaman how bad the winter will be this year.”
So the farm hand climbs up the mountain and at the top he sees a tee pee with an old Indian man sitting out side.
“Are you the shaman?” he asks. “Yes pale face” replies the Indian.
“Good!” he exclaims. “Tell me shaman, how bad will the winter be?”
“Bad” Replies the shaman.
So the farm hand climbs back down the mountain and returns to the farm.
“Boss! I asked the shaman how bad the winter is going to be! And he said it’s gona be bad!” “Ok then we best get more hay in” states the farmer.
So the pair doubles the amount of hay in the barn.
“Think we got enough?” the farm hand asks. “Hmmm… Better go back up the mountain and ask the shaman to be more specific.” Replies the farmer.
So the farm hand climes back up the mountain.
When he gets to the top he sees the shaman and asks “I need you to be more specific! How bad?” “Heap very bad winter pale face” the old man tells him.
So the farm hand goes back down the mountain and tells his boss the bad news.
“Ok then we best get more hay in” says the farmer after hearing the news.
So the pair once again doubles the amount of hay in the barn.
“Hope we got’a nuff” the farmer muses “Go back u the mountain and get more detail will ya? We have to be sure”
So, with a shrug, the farm hand climes back up the mountain.
Once again he asks the old man about the coming winter. “Heap Heap very bad! Worst winter ever!”
So the farm hand trudges back down the mountain and tells his boss the news.
The farmer scratches his chin on hearing the news. The Barn is almost full by now.
“Go back up there and ask him how he knows its gona be so bad” he tells the farm hand.
So, grudgingly, the farm hand once again climes up the mountain.
He gets to the top completely warn out. “How do you know the winter is going to be so bad old man?” the farm hand asks.
“Easy” replies the shaman “White man in valley keeps shovelling hay into barn”
Two girlfriends have been out clubbing for the night and by the time they start home, they are well sozzled.
Weaving their way home they realise that they are both dying for a wee, so they decide to sneak into the cemetary to look for a discreet spot.
The first girl finds a large stone to crouch behind, but in her drunken state she makes quite a sorry mess of her knickers. Rather than carrying them home, she decides to throw them away.
The second girl fares no better, but being more resourceful she grabs the ribbon off off a wreath and uses that to tidy it all up a bit.
The next day the girls’ boyfriends meet in the street. The first one goes: “Do you know what those two got up to yesterday? My girlfriend came home without her knickers!”
To which the other replies: “That’s nothing, mine had a ribbon up her ass that said: “We’ll never forget you”"
Paddy Enlishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman walk into a bar, order drinks, and sit down to enjoy them by the fire. The barman keeps a close eye on them, because every time they came in before something weird happened.
.
Sure enough, just as he’s starting to relax, the barman sees a Leprechaun wander in. The Leprechaun gives the three a nod and goes up to the bar, just as he’s about to order, there’s a small cough by the door. The barman and Leprechaun both look over, and see a Banshee standing there with crossed arms and a frying pan in one hand. The Leprechaun, valuing his life leaves the bar.
.
The barman breathes a sigh of relief, thinking perhaps it’ll be a quiet day after all, he’d lost count of the amount of times the cleaning staff quit after the three Paddys had been in years ago.
.
It wasn’t long before the trio were ready to leave. As they walked out, the barman couldn’t help but comment that it was one of the quietest visits he’d ever had from them. The three turned to him and said ‘It’s our day off’
.
.
.
.
A plane carrying the world’s smartest man, the world’s greatest commedian, a schoolboy and a priest is flying through the mountains. There is no co-pilot, and the pilot suddenly has a heart attack and dies. There is noone else who can fly the plane and there are only three parachutes.
.
The four passengers have to decide who gets a parachute. The commedian stands up and says that the world needs laughter. The others agree and give him a parachute. He jumps out.
.
The smartest man in the world says the world needs knowledge, the other two agree and he takes a parachute.
.
The priest picks up a parachute and gives it to the schoolboy saying youth was more important and that he had lived his life. Just as he turns away from the door, the boy pipes up, ‘Wait Father, there are two parachutes left, the smartest man in the world took my schoolbag.’
A man walks into a bar with a dog on a lead.
“You can’t bring a dog in here” the barman informs him.
“But this is Rex the wonder dog! He can do anything!”
“Anything?” the barman asks.
“That’s right I can do anything” answers the dog.
“Wow!” says the barman “A talking dog! But can he really do anything?”
“Just ask him” says the man.
“Ok then” says the barman, and turns to Rex “Here’s £10. Can you go fetch me a paper from the shop at the end of the road?”
“Sure” replies Rex. And he takes the money and walks out the door.
Half an hour passes and the dog hasn’t come back.
An hour passes and still no Rex.
His owner is starting to worry. “I’d better go look for him. He might be in trouble.” He tells the barman.
So off he goes looking for his dog.
After a few minutes he finds Rex in a back ally fucking a French poodle.
“Rex! What are you doing?” He shouts “you’ve never done this before!”
Rex looks over his shoulder and replies “Mate, I’ve never had the money before!”
Here’s a joke a bout the difference in pay between stars and the lowly members of the bands the sing with.
After a show with Careras and Damingo with Zubin Metha conducting there were interviews with some of the participants.
Firstly Placedo was asked what he will do with the pay for the gig. ‘I’ll buy a yacht and take my family on a round the world cruise’ he said. And the rest of it? ‘I’ll give it to charity!’
Then Careras was aksked. “I’ll buy a new house in the Canary Islands and a car for my wife”. And the rest? “I’ll give it to charity!”
Zubin was asked the same. ‘I’ll buy a race horse, I’ve always wanted a race horse and of course a stable’. And the rest? asks the reporter. ‘I’ll give it to charity!”
The next person to come the reporters way was the second trombone. “What will you do with the money from this gig?. The trombonist replied ‘I’ll buy my bus pass for mext month.’ And the rest? ‘Oh, my mum will chip in too!’
HaHaHa if it wasn’t so true!
ArrrrAmen
Anyway, I feel the need to put a good word in here for my pal, the Apostrophe. A lot of people don’t know this, but Jesus loves Apostophes. He even (obviously) named his Apostles after the Apostrophe. I don’t know why more of these hate-mailers don’t use them.
I missed an “r” in there… but, hey, I’m working, I have to type fast!
This reminds me, I need to buy that t-shirt that says “your retarded” and see how many people don’t get it.
Like Paris Hilton’s “That’s Hot…. Your Not” shirt?
We need to do something better with our lives? OK, we’ll pray before we eat, spend all day Sunday praying with other people at some building in the middle of town, pray before we sleep, and worship a zombie-jew-son of himself-father of himself.
RAmen to that! Who’s the joke now? (I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who’s a little disturbed about the whole zombie-Jesus thing…)
Doh! Missed the medals again!
Your all looser’s
well your a morron!;-)
I think youl find its spelt moran
You’re an egghead, and that’s no yolk!
So far off the leaderboard it hardly seems worth it… :)
I’ve been meaning to ask, does FSM ever get any hatemail from people aged OVER 12?
Caitlin will be cross!
As will Dylan
I really should do something better with my life! I need Jesus! I need every inch of him! OH GOD YESSSS!!!!!! YESSS!!!!!!!!!!! *moans*
Nope this is a joke…
.
A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to the side of the road.
A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.
The man says, “What’s the problem officer?”
Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ticket you.
Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man gives wife dirty look.]
Officer: I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks! [The man gives his wife another a dirty look.]
Officer: I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!
The Man turns to his wife and yells, “For cryin’ out loud, can’t you just shut up?!”
The officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?”
Wife says, “No officer, Only when he’s drunk.”
Oh here we go again with the jokes… I’m going to run out of them soon!………. NOT
Knock Knock
who’s there?
Cap’n Bob the Spanky Oct 23rd, 2007 at 8:58 am
I think youl find its spelt moran
.
.
.
And stupid me thinking it was mormon all this time.
Patty
Who’s there?
No, your a joke!
patty who?
Let’s see, “do something beter with my life”. I know! I’ll become a priest/pedophile! Such easy prey.
.
That sets up my a joke.
.
Q: What’s the best thing about getting head from a three-year-old?
.
A: When you get the photos developed, it makes your cock look a lot bigger.
.
Yeah, I know - tasteless - but funny. Even with our loose moral standards, the FSM would never approve. That’s lower than whale shit in Davey Jones’ Locker. Arrrrgh!
.
RAmen, Brethren
.
St. Arrrrgyle of A Sissy
Pirate Saint of Gay Apparel
Patty O’Furniture
Dude…Not right!
@Momi Pink Shoes
.
There’s a lot nuns ahead of you in the queue for that one. He visits them in various forms - from their own fingers, through candles to the various priests and cardinals of the church and their fellow nuns.
Terrible joke. I have a worse one:
Last night, the mob ordered a cow killed. The murderer used two miniature porcelain statues. This is the first case ,in our immediate area, of a Knick Knack patty-wack.
No… this one’s not right…. A baby seal walks into a club….. Boots!
A man walks in to a bar. He says “ouch”. It was an iron bar.
Two polos walking down the street.
They see a locket coming the other way.
One of the polos says “don’t ask questions just cross the road”. So they do.
A while later the second polo says “what was that all about”.
The first one says “You don’t want to be going near that locket. He’s fucking Menthol’”.
This hate-mail is a joke. Is that the best he/she/it could do? Pathetic!
As for jokes, I heard a great one about a pirate a few months ago.
A sailor was sitting in a bar getting drunk when a pirate walked in. The pirate had a pegleg, a hook for a hand, and an eyepatch. The two of them started talking about their love for the sea and the beauty of its elemental power. They continued buying more and more rounds for each other and getting more and more drunk. Eventually the sailor got drunk enough to ask the pirate, “Where did you get that pegleg?”
.
The pirate replied, “I was on a mysterious island full of large mysterious beasts looking for buried treasure. While digging, I was assailed by a gigantic crocodile from behind. It was so large that its back went up to me chest! It tried to eat me, and probably could have swallowed me whole, but I noticed it and dodged most of its bite. It got me entire leg, but I drew me sword and killed it while standing on one foot, and after that, I still got my treasure.”
.
The sailor replied, “That’s amazing! What about the hook?”
.
“Oh, that. Well, I was boarding a merchant ship that had just sold a full cargo of spices. I wanted to steal their gold. They defended themselves, of course. Their was a large swordfight, and for a while I was in the middle of three enemies, battling it out. One of them lobbed off me sword hand, but I caught me sword as it fell with my other one and ran them all through.”
.
“That’s stunning! You killed three people while surrounded and bleeding using your uncoordinated hand! What about the eyepatch? Is there an cool story to go with that?”
.
“Umm. No. I’d rather not tell you how I got it.”
.
“Oh, come on, you can tell me.”
.
“Alright, fine. An ablatross crapped in me eye.”
.
“That’s it? An albatross crapped in your eye?”
.
“Well… it was me first day with me hook.”
.
.
.
I love that joke.
-Avatar of Reason
I never get tired of hearing that one.
Two snowmen are standing in a yard. One turns to the other and says, “Funny, I smell carrots, too…”
I loved the iron bar one!
http://www.newsweek.com/id/57631
THAT’S a joke.
A joke, or just getting ready for Halloween early?
An article today on Polytheism. I like the idea. Of course I still like the idea of believing in zero gods. FSM+Negativo.
http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/la-oe-lefkowitz23oct23,0,3984103.story?coll=la-opinion-rightrail
I’m a joke? Cool I like making people happy!
Maybe life is just a joke?
If it is… lets make it a funny one.
Life IS a joke… just ask Nietzsche… he was a funny guy!
!!!!
I get most jokes but this one bothers me. I haven’t a clue. It starts ” Two polos walking down the street.”
I’ve tried dictionary.com but can’t seem to figure out any of the terms. What’s a “polo”? What’s a “locket”? What does menthol have to do with anything? Help me obiwan Kanobe, you’re my only hope.
A polo is a mint (the mint with a hole):
.
http://content.answers.com/main/content/wp/en-commons/thumb/f/f1/250px-Polo_mints_2006-01-03.JPG
A Locket is a throat Lozenge:
.
http://img.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2006/11/Lockets-extra_450×138.jpg
Lockets come in Menthol:
.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Menthol
.
The joke is essentially a pun between the words Menthol and Mental and plays on a set of common constructs in which people and occasionally objects have conversations ending in a weak pun.
.
Many of the conversations take place in bars, but other settings - including the street - are common.
.
M’lud.
Darn it why can’t everyone speak English like an American like the god lord intended!
(Hmm.. that sounds better in a redneck accent…)
got a problem w/ rednecks, boy? That’s my mom’s family (and my mom) you’re talkin’ bout. That’s it! You and me’s a’feudin!
hey funky square. where is that ship you were going to steal?
Hey now, my husband’s one-a them there rednecks! I’m allowed to make funna them on-accounta I gotta live with it all the time.
And, um… I’m a girl. NOW we’re feudin’!
i hate you’re fais (diurected at noone in specific)
Fahn! Wathcer back there, girly…
Ah don’t need tuh watch mah back! I gots me eighteen cuzins an’ brothers an’ sisters hidin in them thar bushes watchin it FOR me! You run along there!
no, you’re a joke (see I used proper grammar)
ah gots 18 bruthers who ARE my cuzzins!
Two muffins are cooking in the oven.
The first one leans over to the second and says “Wow, it’ getting fucking hot in here.”
The second one looks back and says “Holy shit, a talking muffin.”
The Prophet, and all of us Pastafarians, are doing something very worthwhile.Following the FSM, stopping kids from being subjected to religious brainwashing, not giving in to cosmic Jewish zombies.
My a joke? I don’t have an ‘a joke’. Sure, I have a lot of jokes that I consider ‘A-class’ in humour, but I don’t refer to them as ‘a jokes’. You’re weird.
.
St John the Blasphemist
Saint of Champagne Humour
I mean, who wants to read Genisis for an hour third period?
not me
@Bookem Oct 23rd, 2007 at 9:14 am: “…Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!
The Man turns to his wife and yells, “For cryin’ out loud, can’t you just shut up?!”
The officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?”
Wife says, “No officer, Only when he’s drunk.”
.
The original joke was French, and was performed by the great Fernand Raynaud in the 6o’s. I’ll add the original punch line (translated of course):
.
The grandfather, from the back seat: “And I KNEW it! I KNEW all we’d have would be troubles, with a stolen car!”
.
Originally, the car was stopped by the police in order to give the driver an award for careful driving…
You mean Phil Collins’s band?
whoa…18 brothers???? your mom must be really loose… bigot
bombadil as in Tom?
YES! i found a lotr geek YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@bombadil Oct 23rd, 2007 at 1:58 pm: “YES! i found a lotr geek YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
.
You’ll find a lot more of those here… pity you didn’t make it to the movie!
the pasta-y one unites geeks of all sorts. praise the fsm
yeah i know, how could they cut him out?
HERE? WHERE?
and others too
because “he wasn’t important” damn peter jackson it explains how merry got the sword that hurt the witch king!!! aragorn didn’t give it to him!
speaking of lotr, is Jackson making a Hobbit movie
but back on topic…
bobby is not a joke and he does wonderful things for us all. he showed us the path toi the beer volcanoes
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THORIN OAKENSHIELD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and what happened w/saruman & the shire?
thats a big part too
Saruman was spotted backpacking in Central America and the Shire was moved to a valley somewhere else due to inundations.
gotcha
Three frogs are in a bathtub. One says “Would you pass the soap?” and the other says “What do I look like, a typewriter?” Anyway, why is a joke not a worthwhile thing to do? I was under the impression that commedians make a reasonable living.
only if they’re funny
a leprechaun walks into a bar and says “gimme a green beer”
bartender says “we don’t have any, now go away”
leprechaun leaves
he comes back and says “gimme a green beer”
bartender says ” go away”
leprechaun leaves
comes back, says “gimme a green beer”
the bartender says “last chance, go away or I’ll nail ye to the floor”
the leprechaun leaves
he comes back and says ” do you have any nails?”
“no”
” in that case, gimme a green beer”
LOTR rocks…I’m keeping my fingers crossed about the Hobbit. It is a children’s book and should be much different than LOTR. Hope Jackson remembers that.
yeah, happier-ish
y’know less violent and depressing. jackson better follow the book in this one!
Hey, don’t knock the Hobbit animated movie! That one still counts! That movie was great back in the day!
My doc told me I should consider writing when I told him my problem with nausea had gotten out of hand. I said I know I am a polytheist and all, but I never intended the Porcelain Goddess to be my main deity, nor the daily prayers!
I think the poor man pulled something laughing.
aka, u noob
Whats the best thing about having sex with twenty three year olds?… there are twenty of them!
.
sorry! its not funny i know!
Oh my fsm! That’s so wrong in so many ways! (And I’m laughing anyway… that’s terrible.)
(hides her kids)
Ok… a little boy walks into a whorehouse dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. He walks up to the madam, slams $200 down on the table and says “I need a hooker!….. An UGLY one!!!…. And she HAS to have active herpes!”
The madam is a little concerned about the boy, but she takes his money and leads him up the stairs to see his hooker anyway… and he’s still dragging the dead frog all the way up the stairs.
When the little boy finished, he was on his way down the stairs, dead frog still dragging behind him, when the madam stopped him in his tracks.
“Little boy! You must tell me: What are you doing here? Why do you need a hooker with herpes? And what the HELL is up with that frog?”
“That’s easy,” replied the little boy. “When I go home, I’m gonna have sex with my baby-sitter. Then my baby-sitter’s gonna have sex with my dad, then my dad’s gonna have sex with my mom, and THEN my mom is gonna have sex with the mailman… and THAT is the bastard that RAN OVER MY FROG!!!!!!”
A little girl asks her mom, “Mommy, last night I saw you on top of daddy. What were you doing?”
.
Her mother decides her daughter is old enough to know the truth, so she says, “Well, your daddy was putting his penis inside me, and that gets you a baby.”
.
The little girl thinks about this for a minute, then says, “well last week I saw you had his penis in your mouth. What does that get you?”
.
The mom looks at her daughter and says, “Jewelry, my dear, lots and lots of jewelry.
That is so true.
There was a little boy about 5 years old and he and his parents were getting ready for thanksgiving. His parents were both very stressed and they were fighting a lot. He over hears his dad calling his mom a bitch and his mom calling his dad a bastard. When they stop fighting the little boy goes up to his mother and asks, “Mommy what is a bastard?”
she says “um, it’s a very nice man.”
then the boy goes to his dad and asks “daddy, what is a bitch?”
the father says, “it’s a very nice man”
The boy is satisfied with the answers and goes to play in his room.
Later he hears his parents yelling again. “dick!” “boob!”
The little boy finds his father starting to shave and asks him what those words mean. the father says they are hats and coats.
suddenly the father nicks himself and yells, “shit!”
“Daddy what does that mean?”
“It’s a way of shaving, now let me finish”
So the boy wanders away and finds his mother is the kitchen carving the turkey. As he’s coming up behind her she slices her finger and yells “fuck!”
“Mommy what does that mean?”
She explains that it’s a way of carving the turkey.
Just then the doorbell rings. The little boy goes to answer the door, their relatives had all arrived. The boy smiles wide and says “Happy Thanksgiving bitches and bastards, may I take your dicks and boobs while my dad’s shitting and my mom’s fucking the turkey?”
I love jokes. We should do this more often. ^.^
This one’s a classic…
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
.
The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
.
So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”
12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry,”
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s!
A guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office with a duck on his head. The psychiatrist says, “Oh, my. What seems to be the problem?” The duck says, “I’m ok, but can you get this guy off my ass?”
Here’s one:
.
It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was
establishing the fact
that she’d take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking
the roll, she was told
by one boy “My name is Johnny Fuckhauer”. So she said “There’ll be
none of that kind of
thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!”. The kid said “No,
really teacher, it IS
Johnny Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask
my brother if you
don’t believe me!” Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing,
the teacher went
across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door. The
fourth grade teacher
had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she
entered the room and
directly asked the class “Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?” “Hell no!”
replied a little kid
from the front row, “We don’t even get a cookie break!”
IDK WTF happened with the formatting.
so the door rings at a whore house and a prostitute answers. She looks down and sees a guy with no arms or legs in a wheel chair.
“now what do you intend to do here?” asks the whore
“well i rang the bell didn’t i?” winked the man
I noticed a knick knack joke earlier….well i’ve got an even better one…
A frog goes into a bank and walks up to the window. He can see from the teller’s nameplate that the teller’s name is Patricia Whack. So he says, “Ms. Whack, I’d like to get a loan to buy a yacht and go on a cruise.” Ms. Whack asks how much money he wants to borrow. The frog says around $55,000. Ms. Whack asks the frog his name and he replies “Kermit Jagger, it shouldn’t be a problem, I know the branch manager.” Ms. Whack explains that $55,000 is a large sum of money and that he will need to put up something as collateral against the loan. She asks “do you have anything as collateral?” Kermit says, “Sure, I have this,” and produces a small pewter cricket, about an inch tall. Stunned, Ms. Whack explains that she’ll have to speak with the branch manager and walks into an office at the front of the bank. She finds the branch manager and says: “There’s a frog by the named of Kermit Jagger out there who says he knows you and wants to borrow $55,000. He wants to use this as collateral.” She holds up the small pewter cricket. “Like, what is this thing suppose to be?” So the branch manager looks back at her and says:
“It’s a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
so a boy walks in on his parents going at it. he says “mommy what are you doing to daddy?”
“i’m trying to flatten his tummy dear” she blushes
” i don’t know why you bother,” says the boy “whenever you leave the maid blows it back up.”
@waspy.
Love that one, too, but I couldn’t remember all of it. Thanx
Ooohh.. those are good!
I think the FSM messed with the formatting to add to the comdeic effect
A priest and pastor from local churches are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!”
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
“Leave us alone you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
“Do you think,” said one clergyman to the other, “we should just put up a sign that says ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”
@WC
You’re right! The long lines are s’posed to be noodly appendages! ALL Praise his noodliness!
RAmen glory!
A geek, a level 23 Paladin, and Satan walk into a bar…
Ok, I’ll bite… and then what?
Here’s a good one…
A Catholic girl about the age of 18 walks into the Confession box. She says “Forgive me father, I have sinned. I called a man a son of a bitch”. Now, why did you do that, my dear?” he asks.
.
“Well…he touched my hand…”
.
“Like this?” The priest says, caressing her hand.
.
“Yes. But he also began rubbing my breast.”
.
“Like this?” The priest asked, fondling her breast.
.
“That’s no reason to call a man that…” the priest said.
.
Well, father…he raped me.” She said, tears welling up.
.
“Like this?!” The priest groaned, lifting up her skirt.
.
“YES FATHER!!! YES!!!”
.
Once he was done, “Well, that’s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.”
.
“But Father…he had AIDS!”
.
“That son of a bitch!”
Oooohhh that’s so wrong!!!
Hahahaha! These jokes are great. It’s dangerous for me to be eating right now.
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy named “Clint”, and
bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to
Clint, “You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a
day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first
wish?”
Clint says, “I want to see my horse.” The Indians get his horse. Clint
grabs the horse’s ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on
the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back
with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee
with Clint.
The Indians look at each other, figuring, “Typical white man - can
only think of one thing.” The second day, the chief says, “What your
wish today?”
Clint says, “I want to see my horse again.” The Indians bring him his
horse. Clint leans over to the horse and whispers something in the
horse’s ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse
comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee
with the Clint. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, “Typical
white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing.”
The last day comes, and the chief says, “This your last wish, white
man. What you want?” Clint says, “I want to see my horse again.” The
Indians bring him his horse.
Clint grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, “Read
my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!”
You’re* learn to spell before you call people a joke.
@ Etay was anyone else with that kid?
Better with our lives?
Man, this person needs to articulate more, on that note, he is likely a devout member of some more ‘valid’ religion and making an attempt to cause the downfall of our little societal niche. GAH these people are great for laughs, especially when they haven’t even considered they might be the ones with the ‘wrong’ religion.
@Etay - Is that like “An Irishman walks out of a bar…”?
My eyes are burning from a complete lack of syntactical accuracy. Perhaps some punctuation wouldn’t hurt. Perhaps it would also help to use the correct “you’re”.
So a Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrott on his shoulder and the bartender says “Hey, cool! Where did you get that?” and the parrott says “France! They got millions of them there!”.
bombadil
Oct 23rd, 2007 at 2:03 pm
because “he wasn’t important” damn peter jackson it explains how merry got the sword that hurt the witch king!!! aragorn didn’t give it to him!
*
He now gets it from Galadriel. Sorry Tom, but something had to go and as Peter Jackson said: they met allright, we just didn’t show it :)
PS How’s the wife?
Noodly0ne
Oct 23rd, 2007 at 3:06 pm
y’know less violent and depressing.
*
Less violent??? Let’s see: giant spiders, a dragon, a big battle, dwarfs captured by elves, more spiders (yugh), orcs, a game with Bilbo’s life at stake…. Hmmmm, nowhere near as violent indeed. I’m sure I’m forgetting some parts right now :)
*
I really hope Peter Jackson and weta get to work on the hobbit, boy, I hope so!
This is an old Indian (sorry Native American) Joke.
.
A farmer is gathering hay for the winter, but he’s not sure how much he needed.
So he tells his farm hand “go up into the mountains and ask the old shaman how bad the winter will be this year.”
So the farm hand climbs up the mountain and at the top he sees a tee pee with an old Indian man sitting out side.
“Are you the shaman?” he asks. “Yes pale face” replies the Indian.
“Good!” he exclaims. “Tell me shaman, how bad will the winter be?”
“Bad” Replies the shaman.
So the farm hand climbs back down the mountain and returns to the farm.
“Boss! I asked the shaman how bad the winter is going to be! And he said it’s gona be bad!” “Ok then we best get more hay in” states the farmer.
So the pair doubles the amount of hay in the barn.
“Think we got enough?” the farm hand asks. “Hmmm… Better go back up the mountain and ask the shaman to be more specific.” Replies the farmer.
So the farm hand climes back up the mountain.
When he gets to the top he sees the shaman and asks “I need you to be more specific! How bad?” “Heap very bad winter pale face” the old man tells him.
So the farm hand goes back down the mountain and tells his boss the bad news.
“Ok then we best get more hay in” says the farmer after hearing the news.
So the pair once again doubles the amount of hay in the barn.
“Hope we got’a nuff” the farmer muses “Go back u the mountain and get more detail will ya? We have to be sure”
So, with a shrug, the farm hand climes back up the mountain.
Once again he asks the old man about the coming winter. “Heap Heap very bad! Worst winter ever!”
So the farm hand trudges back down the mountain and tells his boss the news.
The farmer scratches his chin on hearing the news. The Barn is almost full by now.
“Go back up there and ask him how he knows its gona be so bad” he tells the farm hand.
So, grudgingly, the farm hand once again climes up the mountain.
He gets to the top completely warn out. “How do you know the winter is going to be so bad old man?” the farm hand asks.
“Easy” replies the shaman “White man in valley keeps shovelling hay into barn”
Two girlfriends have been out clubbing for the night and by the time they start home, they are well sozzled.
Weaving their way home they realise that they are both dying for a wee, so they decide to sneak into the cemetary to look for a discreet spot.
The first girl finds a large stone to crouch behind, but in her drunken state she makes quite a sorry mess of her knickers. Rather than carrying them home, she decides to throw them away.
The second girl fares no better, but being more resourceful she grabs the ribbon off off a wreath and uses that to tidy it all up a bit.
The next day the girls’ boyfriends meet in the street. The first one goes: “Do you know what those two got up to yesterday? My girlfriend came home without her knickers!”
To which the other replies: “That’s nothing, mine had a ribbon up her ass that said: “We’ll never forget you”"
Two Elephants are walking along a river bank when suddenly, one Elephant runsn up to a half submerged log and kicks a turtle across the river.
Startled, the second Elephant aske “Why’d you do that for?”
The first replied, “Because I recognized it … It’s the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago.”
“Wow, what a memory!” exclaimed the second Elephant
“Yes,” said the first Elephant. “Turtle recall.”
Paddy Enlishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman walk into a bar, order drinks, and sit down to enjoy them by the fire. The barman keeps a close eye on them, because every time they came in before something weird happened.
.
Sure enough, just as he’s starting to relax, the barman sees a Leprechaun wander in. The Leprechaun gives the three a nod and goes up to the bar, just as he’s about to order, there’s a small cough by the door. The barman and Leprechaun both look over, and see a Banshee standing there with crossed arms and a frying pan in one hand. The Leprechaun, valuing his life leaves the bar.
.
The barman breathes a sigh of relief, thinking perhaps it’ll be a quiet day after all, he’d lost count of the amount of times the cleaning staff quit after the three Paddys had been in years ago.
.
It wasn’t long before the trio were ready to leave. As they walked out, the barman couldn’t help but comment that it was one of the quietest visits he’d ever had from them. The three turned to him and said ‘It’s our day off’
.
.
.
.
A plane carrying the world’s smartest man, the world’s greatest commedian, a schoolboy and a priest is flying through the mountains. There is no co-pilot, and the pilot suddenly has a heart attack and dies. There is noone else who can fly the plane and there are only three parachutes.
.
The four passengers have to decide who gets a parachute. The commedian stands up and says that the world needs laughter. The others agree and give him a parachute. He jumps out.
.
The smartest man in the world says the world needs knowledge, the other two agree and he takes a parachute.
.
The priest picks up a parachute and gives it to the schoolboy saying youth was more important and that he had lived his life. Just as he turns away from the door, the boy pipes up, ‘Wait Father, there are two parachutes left, the smartest man in the world took my schoolbag.’
Q. When does Michael Jackson know its bed time?
.
A. When the big hand touches the little hand.
A horse walks into a bar.
The bar says “Fuck off I’ve heard it!”
A man walks into a bar with a dog on a lead.
“You can’t bring a dog in here” the barman informs him.
“But this is Rex the wonder dog! He can do anything!”
“Anything?” the barman asks.
“That’s right I can do anything” answers the dog.
“Wow!” says the barman “A talking dog! But can he really do anything?”
“Just ask him” says the man.
“Ok then” says the barman, and turns to Rex “Here’s £10. Can you go fetch me a paper from the shop at the end of the road?”
“Sure” replies Rex. And he takes the money and walks out the door.
Half an hour passes and the dog hasn’t come back.
An hour passes and still no Rex.
His owner is starting to worry. “I’d better go look for him. He might be in trouble.” He tells the barman.
So off he goes looking for his dog.
After a few minutes he finds Rex in a back ally fucking a French poodle.
“Rex! What are you doing?” He shouts “you’ve never done this before!”
Rex looks over his shoulder and replies “Mate, I’ve never had the money before!”
Ah - so nice of the fundie to give us a joke thread! Laughter is the best medicine :)
Morning Pluto! :D
Customer: Waiter! Waiter! Do you have frogs’ legs?
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Waiter: You really are a cunt aren’t you?
Hey Booty. How are you?
Here’s a joke a bout the difference in pay between stars and the lowly members of the bands the sing with.
After a show with Careras and Damingo with Zubin Metha conducting there were interviews with some of the participants.
Firstly Placedo was asked what he will do with the pay for the gig. ‘I’ll buy a yacht and take my family on a round the world cruise’ he said. And the rest of it? ‘I’ll give it to charity!’
Then Careras was aksked. “I’ll buy a new house in the Canary Islands and a car for my wife”. And the rest? “I’ll give it to charity!”
Zubin was asked the same. ‘I’ll buy a race horse, I’ve always wanted a race horse and of course a stable’. And the rest? asks the reporter. ‘I’ll give it to charity!”
The next person to come the reporters way was the second trombone. “What will you do with the money from this gig?. The trombonist replied ‘I’ll buy my bus pass for mext month.’ And the rest? ‘Oh, my mum will chip in too!’
HaHaHa if it wasn’t so true!
ArrrrAmen
Two fish were in a tank. One said to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
I’m Ok thanks Pluto - Have youngster’s friend round for the day! Boy it is noisy here! :D
I love the French one.
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Why did the pervert cross the road?
He was stuck in the chicken.
Why do women have legs?
Have you seen the mess that slugs make?
What’s red and makes “tap, tap” noises?
A baby in a microwave.