I almost got shot. kinda.
A few days ago, as I was leaving my apartment, a car sped across the parking lot to intercept me. I had just about reached my car when I noticed the driver stopping directly behind my car, blocking me. The two passengers jumped out of the car and came straight at me.
I get a lot of hate-mail and I’ve had more than a few death threats. I keep my address a secret, but I’ve had people track me down in the past. So, when I saw a car speed up and two people jump out, it freaked me out.
One of them asked me if I valued the mind and body benefits of exercise. I said yes and that I needed to get going. They assured me that they’d move the car, but perhaps I wanted to take some reading material with me to look over when I had more time.
So I took their pamphlet. My only excuse is that I thought I was going to get stabbed or something, and I just wanted to get out of there. It wasn’t until later that I looked at the pamphlet. It slowly went from exercise to Jesus. It turned out to be disguised Jehovah’s Witness propaganda, the Watchtower. I figured that they tricked me fair and square, so I felt obligated to read it.
… 
What I learned by this experience
The pamphlet, itself, was kind of Jesusy. But it gave me some fantastic ideas for expanding the Pastafarian congregation. Clearly, the way to get more members is to trick them; make them think they’re signing up for one thing and then – bam – all the sudden you hit them with the gospel-speak, and you’ve got them.
So, I’ve decided that we’re going to do a similar campaign to trick people into joining FSM, specifically, members of other religions, especially the religions who propagandize. I figure that we’ve already got the open-minded people, now we need the gullible ones.
Internet advertising - like magic, but nerdier
You can target advertisements to specific categories of websites. We’re going to be targeting competing religious websites. Any religion who hands out pamphlets is fair game. Lots of religious websites sell ad-space through 3rd parties, and we’ll be able to place OUR ads on their pages, and steal their members.
It’ll work like this: their members will go to the church websites as usual, and they’ll see a small ad suggesting that there is more to their religion. Some of them will click the ad and be brought to a specific catch page, where they’ll hear fantastic arguments on why they should convert.
I need your help with any of the following:
1) Specific strategies for each religion. For example, for Jehovah’s Witnesses, we could push that we, also, reject Orthodox Christianity. And the strategies don’t need to be that on-topic. The Jehovah’s Witnesses got me with an exercise pamphlet, we could just as easily have a pirate angle or something. We’ll have different strategies for the other religions - Mormons, Young Earth Christians, Scientologists, etc. Let’s brainstorm. Either post in the comments or send me an email at bobby.henderson@gmail.com
2) Nich text ads. We need short, catchy text ads that will appeal to each of the target religions. The content of these ads will be more clear once we’ve established our strategies for each religion.
3) Small Image Ads. People with art skills, get creative. Same deal with the text ads, we’re going to know more once we know what our angle is. We’ll need ads in the following dimensions:
200×200
250×250
468×60
336×280
4)Individual Catch Pages. Once they click the ad, they’ll be brought to a page on the FSM site which will expand on the idea presented in the ad and slowly make the argument that they should convert to Pastafarianism. I need help with this.
5) Money. I’ve put aside a few thousand for this. Ads cost between $0.25 and upwards of $5 per thousand views. I’m hoping for a budget of at least $5k. If you want to help, you can either donate, or buy some FSM merchandise.
So, that’s my idea. What do you think?
Hee hee, I like the campaign of deceit! Sounds like what we’ve been enduring for six years under President Monkey Fucker… oh, excuse me, I meant Bush.
Which one? We should all just crash them, a group effort to promote sense and reason might work….
@Wench Beth
“I keep seeing references to the “Monkey Fuckerâ€. This cannot be good.”
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Hahahahaha
I thought it was secret a code….kinda like a masonic secret hand shake :p)))
Lmfao. Ya thats happened to me before. I answered the door and they were both there in their suits, telling me about sleep pamphlets. Then when they finally pissed off and I went back inside I found a bunch of religious BS hidden in it. If they want to convert people they should just say so rather than trying to do it deceptively, which is just pathetic. You have to wonder when people dislike your religion so much that you’re forced to attempt to trick people into converting. & the ads campaign sounds like a good idea, it will probably attract hate mail as well as new pastafarians but who cares.. lol.
P.S Next time back up into their car (lol)
ramen
@ Pete - I also took an advertising course in college. One of the tenets of effective communication is getting the right message to the right audience at the right time. Yours meets none of the criteria. Actually, it’s worst than that. You’re actually working against yourself. I’m even more convinced now that your brand of religion is not for me. Maybe you should quit while you’re behind.
I must propose a halt to all attempts at ruse to bring non-Pastafarians into the enfolding sauce of his noodly grace. These attempts at subterfuge can only lead to Scientology-like militancy and no one wants another Inquisition, this time with marinara.
Instead, I offer an alternative plan for growing the number followers who receive the semolina of his noodly embrace. If we can learn from the practices of Catholics, Mormons, etc., we should breed prodigiously. Unrelenting, indefatigable, remorseless sex!
Yes, I intend that we should create new generations of FSM devotees who have been inculcated with no opportunity to generate any rational thought other that those which have been thoroughly sieved through the holy strainer of correct FSM dogma. Produce your own little pirate crew.
With this multi-century strategy we can cultivate a congregation that, though slow to boil, will rise like the steam from a pasta pot (or a great salt lake) to an inevitability of global dominance. In his infinite wisdom, FSM has shown the way. Do it for the future. Do it for the children. Do it for your noodle.
Avast me hearties,
I admit to having a problem. Although I can see the absolute and undeniable truth in the Pirate creed of the FSM, I find myself unable to accept all of His divine instruction.
In particular, I cannot eat pasta !
What am I to do, I want to believe but fear I have been lead astray by Dr Atkins and his devilish low-carb diet (could he be the Anti-FSM?).
Anyhoo, I shall do what I can and humbly offer me services as filmaker, videographer, producer, director etcetera. Perhaps some well placed info-mercials extolling the virtues of noodles, pirate regalia and juicy meatballs and how they can help with our spiritual needs.
Incidently, I eat meatballs by the bucket load - does this offer me salvation?
Well, I’m vegetarian, so I don’t eat the meatballs. I’ll eat your share of noodles if you eat my share of meatballs, and then we’ll toast each other at the beer volcano :)
And in regards to that long diatribe, of which i skimmed part of, it seemed that he was quoting the opinions of physicists and astronomers in regards to evolution. No offense to the physicists (which I clearly am one), but we aren’t exactly experts in biology, so our opinions are just that, opinions. Just because a scientist voices an opinion in a field other than his or her own does not make that statement science. It’s still just an opinion.
A physicist criticizing evolution is like a biologist criticizing general relativity. If a biologist says Einstein was completely wrong and mass can’t be converted into energy, nuclear power plants aren’t going to spontaneously shut down just because a scientist said they don’t work.
Pete and Jon, not every scientist is an expert in every aspect of science, so try actually using real science in your arguments, rather than taking opinions and using them as fact.
Latest frigging Comments! Comments, frigging, the latest!Frigging Comments, the latest!
The Jehovah’s Witnesses are going to take over this site if we don’t get our “Recent Comments” section back! Help!
In re: to Carrie’s question,
Yes, Mormons and Jehova’s Witnesses are completely different religions, and, since they both proselyte door-to-door, essentially rivals.
–Bob
Feel like a Fish out of water?
Come visit our church of friendship and cheer.
If GOD floats your boat, then come visit us.
Visit us to learn about LEGAL piracy.
Okay, sounds like a V1aGr4 advert. But, I think it adds a twist.
Mind you, on that note…
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Download Free Porn!
No registration required.
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Just need some photos of naked fish or something. Can’t do false advertising.
Got meatballs?
.
Got Noodles?
.
Got Religion?
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Got Milk?
.
Oops, sorry, that one’s taken.
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Got FSM?
Little comic booklets. I too was tricked by christian fanatics (not jahovah’s, well maybe, I discarded the booklet) It started out as un funny comics, and turned into a story about how great some jewish zombie was. People will be interested if it’s funny, and contains pirates.
Like God?
Love Pasta?
Click here to see how to combine the two!
And that one should produce plenty of hate mail from people looking for jebus lasagne sheets and the like.