I almost got shot. kinda.
A few days ago, as I was leaving my apartment, a car sped across the parking lot to intercept me. I had just about reached my car when I noticed the driver stopping directly behind my car, blocking me. The two passengers jumped out of the car and came straight at me.
I get a lot of hate-mail and I’ve had more than a few death threats. I keep my address a secret, but I’ve had people track me down in the past. So, when I saw a car speed up and two people jump out, it freaked me out.
One of them asked me if I valued the mind and body benefits of exercise. I said yes and that I needed to get going. They assured me that they’d move the car, but perhaps I wanted to take some reading material with me to look over when I had more time.
So I took their pamphlet. My only excuse is that I thought I was going to get stabbed or something, and I just wanted to get out of there. It wasn’t until later that I looked at the pamphlet. It slowly went from exercise to Jesus. It turned out to be disguised Jehovah’s Witness propaganda, the Watchtower. I figured that they tricked me fair and square, so I felt obligated to read it.
… 
What I learned by this experience
The pamphlet, itself, was kind of Jesusy. But it gave me some fantastic ideas for expanding the Pastafarian congregation. Clearly, the way to get more members is to trick them; make them think they’re signing up for one thing and then – bam – all the sudden you hit them with the gospel-speak, and you’ve got them.
So, I’ve decided that we’re going to do a similar campaign to trick people into joining FSM, specifically, members of other religions, especially the religions who propagandize. I figure that we’ve already got the open-minded people, now we need the gullible ones.
Internet advertising - like magic, but nerdier
You can target advertisements to specific categories of websites. We’re going to be targeting competing religious websites. Any religion who hands out pamphlets is fair game. Lots of religious websites sell ad-space through 3rd parties, and we’ll be able to place OUR ads on their pages, and steal their members.
It’ll work like this: their members will go to the church websites as usual, and they’ll see a small ad suggesting that there is more to their religion. Some of them will click the ad and be brought to a specific catch page, where they’ll hear fantastic arguments on why they should convert.
I need your help with any of the following:
1) Specific strategies for each religion. For example, for Jehovah’s Witnesses, we could push that we, also, reject Orthodox Christianity. And the strategies don’t need to be that on-topic. The Jehovah’s Witnesses got me with an exercise pamphlet, we could just as easily have a pirate angle or something. We’ll have different strategies for the other religions - Mormons, Young Earth Christians, Scientologists, etc. Let’s brainstorm. Either post in the comments or send me an email at bobby.henderson@gmail.com
2) Nich text ads. We need short, catchy text ads that will appeal to each of the target religions. The content of these ads will be more clear once we’ve established our strategies for each religion.
3) Small Image Ads. People with art skills, get creative. Same deal with the text ads, we’re going to know more once we know what our angle is. We’ll need ads in the following dimensions:
200×200
250×250
468×60
336×280
4)Individual Catch Pages. Once they click the ad, they’ll be brought to a page on the FSM site which will expand on the idea presented in the ad and slowly make the argument that they should convert to Pastafarianism. I need help with this.
5) Money. I’ve put aside a few thousand for this. Ads cost between $0.25 and upwards of $5 per thousand views. I’m hoping for a budget of at least $5k. If you want to help, you can either donate, or buy some FSM merchandise.
So, that’s my idea. What do you think?
“Good artists copy, great artists steal” — Picasso
I think your general idea is feasible, but may have more impact if it is done in a fairly explicit parody/mimicry format based around recognized material already distributed by competing religious organizations.
The more successful the campaign by the competitor, the better target it is for a parody done by the Church of the FSM. If done right, the impact could be a striking commentary on both the original and on the tactics used by those organizations as a whole, all while raising awareness about the FSM.
An example? Well, you’ve already highlighted one; Jehovah Witness “Watchtower” pamphlets, “study aids”, and brochures provide a rich framework to start with. Naturally, these are also quite familiar to many people. Ideally, you’d want to do it with enough of a twist that is was instantly recognizable as both a parody of the original yet clearly…not Jehovah Witness. Otherwise, people might mistake it for the “real” thing without realizing that it was, instead, an elaborate scheme by the FSM to accrue supple new minds.
Having said all of that, I think this sort of “copy-cat” format may lend a stronger result–dollar for dollar, if nothing else–and seems to suit the satirical flavor (pun intended) of Pastafarianism right from the start.
Something to consider, anyhow…
Sorry to post again so
Got #3… that’s my best in a while.
Bummer that those idiots tricked you. They are quite brainwashed; it’s very sad.
I’m no artist but I can donate to the cause. Some of the Disciples are extremely creative and witty; they would be able to come up with some fantastic ideas. (Hint, hint, Disciples, you guys can work wonders!)
ooh can we get celebrities on board? people love celebrity more than jebus
AWESOME idea! MORE SHEEP!!! We need more sheep, people…Pasta-y sheep!
Keep the rhetoric coming…
To make a play on “The Watchtower,” our publication could be “The Crow’s Nest!”
Another pot of coffee and I’ll be able to toss out a few more ideas…
@Mr. Henderson, and all other interested people:
I’m not sure I understand exactly what you mean when you talk about advertisements. Are these meant to be obvious jokes, or are they actually meant to trick people? If you mean the latter, here are a few points that I would like to make.
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I like the idea of making fun of mass conversion schemes as Derelict suggested. I really don’t like the idea of trying to convert people en masse, however. One is a joke, and the other makes us as bad as the other religions are. I like jokes, but I think that advertisements for the Church of the FSM crosses a line from which we might do better to keep our distance. This is especially true if we don’t mention the FSM early on. If the satire is too close to the mark and the joke ads are too believable, we run the risk of creating the very thing that many of us seek to hinder, namely, the conversion of our fellow people under false pretenses. Remember that this webpage began with a letter to the Kansas School Board devoted to stopping such false conversion. Do we need to burn our own roots and act like our foes?
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How did you feel when you were tricked by the Jehovah’s Witnesses? I’m guessing not very happy. You may have even felt somewhat insulted. I don’t want people to associate that feeling with FSMism.
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Do we really want sheep followers? I was under the impression that this webpage was devoted to introspection, iconoclasm, thought, and the use of argument to find the theories that best describe the world. The recruitment of sheep runs the risk of ruining those positive elements of the movement and replacing them with blind adherence to articles of faith. If the plan works too well, and this webpage becomes a battleground of fools, one side marching under a banner of the FSM and the other side marching under a banner of fundie-ism, and the people who post here currently are drowned out in the cacophony of the battle, then the only real losers are us. In a senseless duel of FSM fundies against other fundies, few will pause to think any longer. We should not lose sight of our introspective heritage.
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I sincerely hope that I am missing the point, and that we are not trying to become a more accurate mirror for fundie-ism.
-Avatar of Reason
Are there any celebrity Pastafarians?
@Avatar of Reason - Well written
Thank you, IndianPasta.
Avatar of Reason: how better to advance the Pastafarian cause than with clueless converts. Once they have been lured into our noodly trap, we can force them to admit the error of their ways, see the sauce of the FSM, and dress in full pirate regalia, so that catastrophic global warming may be averted, before it is too late.
-LLS
Avast! in me haste, I misspelt me name. Arrr! -LLS
I see an element of risk in the fact that some sheep may take certain philosophies too seriously & start a splinter group. When splinter groups start, they usually end up hating each other more than the common enemy. Protestantism got started just because Henry VIII got sick of chopping his wives’ heads off & wanted a divorce. Look where that’s gone.
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Rather than infiltrating religion with more religion, how about infiltrating them with dietary advice? Do some research on the dietary benefits of pasta & noodles & sell it to them. Tell them about your scientific research (for some reason, if it has to do with weight loss, even fundies drool at the use of the word ’scientific’). Pasta actually does have some great dietary benifits & let’s face it, a great deal of those Jeezo grovelling pricks do have a serious weight problem issue that really needs dealing with. Just take a look at Jesus Camp.
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You could make kids’ cartoons (possibly with an element of religion) that advertise the benefits of a pasta diet that have pasta characters & make the FSM a minor character that nobody notices at first (sorta subliminal). Have a ‘Freddy Spageddy’ or ‘Penny Penne’ (yeah, I just made those up right there & then–how’d you guess?) as a lead character & have the FSM as an as yet unnamed background character that eventually becomes a main character after the the cartoons become popular. He could explain to Freddy & Penny the scientific proof of why they should let themselves get eaten.
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Or something like that.
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St John the Blasphemist
Saint of Miracle Diets
Well, the problem is that this will bring the dumber part of people onboard.
Cause: If they go to their church as usual, like jehovists or scientologists, there’s a good chance they are extremely stupid as they have fallen for jehovism/scientolooniesm in the first place.
We should make sure we remain focused on the important topics, such as Gay Marriage in Iraq.
Hello.
i am with you.
i will do what i can.
i have good graphic design skills, and a deep seated … something
of all organized religion.
oooooooh the media coverage fo jerry faldwell just burns me up!
yes, so…
i think i can contribute something to the cause.
thank you very much for your hard work for such a worth cause.
i do not personally believe in the flying spaghetti monster,
but i do love pirates.
though i think ninjas are better.
however:
i fully believe in converting other “other believers” into pastafarians.
god bless us, each and every one.
i say that because i was raised in america, and the state here teaches
us to say things like “god” and “jesus”
praise the lord.
your friend,
cabe.
Well, Bobby, you seem to want to open up a big ol’ can of whoopass, huh? It does seem to be a natural progression, yet I worry about our souls trying to carry around the weight of being damned to a fiery eternity even more frequently than is already the case. I guess it’s the 0 x 0 = 0 argument, though. No matter how many times we’re damned to an imaginary place/state of being, it doesn’t amount to much, does it?
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I’m all for it as long as we are truly satirizing what other religions do, and only those religions that use such tactics to recruit new suckers. Bring on the hate-mail!
I’m looking forward to the chick tracts that will come from this. Please try to make all the pages the same size, the Cthulhu chick tract is kinda hard to print off and staple into an actual pamphlet.
Dang Bobby, big plans. I’m not sure I like the idea of sheep followers, but I do like getting adds on religious sites to get them here. I assure you, my creative skills are being put to work.
But I can’t give any money. Sorry, broke :(