25652 Views
195 Comments

Persuasive Essay

Published November 9th, 2006 by Bobby Henderson

Here’s an interesting email I received recently:

My english teacher told us to write a persuasive essay, so i decided to write one about my beloved spagedeity the FSM. To my disgust my teacher saw me on the FSM website and stated “Thats garbage get off of there!” quite pissed and tempted to call the ACLU i decided to simply write an essay aimed towards my incompatent excuse of a teacher.

Dear Mr. ********,

The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is not “Garbage” as you so crudely put it, but is in fact a fast growing religion. I cannot be upset with you over the fact that you’ve insulted my faith, because you like most people are ignorant to our existance. This is why I am taking this opportunity to explain to you the ways of Pastafarianism so that you may not be so critical of it in the future. If however, religious discrimination continues, the ACLU (American Civil Liberties Union) could be called upon to resolve these matters.

Pastafarianism has been around for nearly 2500 years, but has stayed hidden from the public until recently when the FSM (Flying Spaghetti Monster) approached our prophet Bobby Henderson. Henderson in turn wrote our only religious tome to date, “The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster”. Pastafarianism or FSMism, is the only religion based on imperical evidence of our creators existance. Evidence of His existence can be found in such places as “String Theory” which hypothesizes that all subatomic particles are made of small string like or “noodly” waves of energy, which would imply his creating of all things living and non, in his image.

FSMism is also not based on dogmatic beliefs, which means we do not believe that our faith is absolutely true, it could be completely wrong. All we ask is that you prove us wrong. If proven wrong we will alter our beliefs to fit the new found evidence. Furthermore FSMism is the most peaceful religion in the world. No one has been killed or harmed because of our beliefs which cannot be said for most religions. Take Christianity for example, a religion founded on killing. From the death of Christ, to the Crusades, even the Salem Witch Trials, Christian history is bathed in blood. Other religions still feud, Jews and Muslims still fight over who is the rightful owner of Israel to this day.

It is a common misconception that pirates were all theives and outlaws. They were in fact, a peaceful and fun loving bunch of sea goers who were misunderstood. Pirates are the chosen people of the FSM, and due to this, Pastafarians are incouraged to dress in full pirate regalia for religious holidays and also to spread our message. Pastafarian missionaries are different from typical ones such as Mormons and such. Mormons travel from door to door spreading their word and basically putting the occupant into an uncomfortable position. From my personal experience with Mormons it seems to me their missionaries message is simply put as “Join us or burn in Hell!”. This statement although harsh is basically true, FSM missionaries typically don’t travel door to door, but prefer public speaking. FSM missionaries don’t tell people to join us, we simply ask that you try us for 30 days. If you’re not satisfied then your god will most likely take you back.

In “The Gospel of the FSM”, a story is told of the prophet Mosey who led his people from their evil ruler to become pirates. Once free of their vicious tyrant Mosey led his people to a mountain, where at the top the FSM spoke to Mosey and gave him 10 stones upon which the FSM wishes were stated. Incidentally Mosey dropped two of the stones on the way down the mountain. This is believed to be the reason behind our religions flimsy morale standards. Mosey people became the first Pastafarians, and they prospered until the fall of the pirates in the 1800′s.

It is currently believed by Pastafarian scholars that the recent rise in global temperature is directly linked to the shrinking number of pirates. I have included a graph which illustrates this hypothesis.

piratesarecool4.jpg

Pastafarianism is one theory of ID (Intelligent Design) which is the idea the the universe and all in it was created by an intelligent cause, that intelligent cause being a sole creator, or god. It has been proposed that ID be taught in schools along side Natural Selection and the theory of Evolution as an alternative explanation of life on earth. This proposal however has been denied by U.S. Federal Court, due to the fact that this proposal is in violation of the first Amendment of the Constitution. I for one don’t encourage the teaching of ID in schools due to the separation of Church and State. ID being based predominantly on the Christian God is basically the equivalent of teaching Creationism in school. If Creationism is fit to be taught in schools however, then so is FSMism, seeing as how it is an alternate theory of ID.

This essay is but a brief explanation of Pastafarianism. To fully understand our ways and beliefs, one would have to read the Gospel. Our Church also has an official website located at www.venganza.org. Now thay you have been introduced to our ways maybe you will be less judemental in the future.



195 Responses to “Persuasive Essay”

  1. Drauken says:

    Nice essay. Easy to read and understand, relatively convincing. Since it’s and english teacher, probably disregard it at the first typo. If there isn’t a sworn enemy of pirates(Ninjas don’t count) yet, I vote for english teachers.

  2. Nowtheworldhasmeaning says:

    That paticular English teacher will be walking many-a-plank after he meets the mighty FSM!

  3. GI Mike says:

    very nice essay. the only teachers I’ve told about pastafarian didn’t disprove of it, one even took the gospel home!

  4. J says:

    Wow. I’m *really* impressed.
    .
    (We never got to write about Pastafarianism when I was at school. Why didn’t Prophet Bobby come sooner? Why were my English teachers so infuriatingly resonable? Guess it’s all in His plan.)
    .
    Well done, nameless student. A well-aimed blow for pirates everywhere. May your seas be calm, your winds true and your pasta plentiful.
    .
    RAmen

  5. GI Mike says:

    @Drauken my english teacher gave me bad vibes when I did a thing on propaganda and used it to introduce FSM to fellow classmates. She didn’t like me much in the first place, disliked me even more after that too.

  6. O’DonnellWeb - This is not a homeschooling blog » Blog Archive » A Noodly Essay says:

    [...] A high schooler wrote an essay for class defending Pastafarianism. He did a fine job. No word on his grade though. [...]

  7. Papa Jones says:

    I must say, in support of you..

    BYAAHH!!!!

    Take that Enlgish Language!

    RAmen

  8. TRIX says:

    Yarr! You have made this pastafarian even happier to be in the presence of the FSM.
    May ye be blessed by His Noodly Appendage for such a great essay. You’ve made this pirate proud. Arr!

Leave a Reply