If I was your creator and you mocked me in this manner I couldn’t think of a hell hot enough for you. It is really sad to think that at Judgement you will be standing in front of God Almighty and he will look at you and say “Depart from me ye worker of iniquity, I never knew you” And to think, God let you be born, blessed you with health and love in your life and with what do you honor Him? With such vile mockeries of his Deity. I am sick to my stomach that my small babies will live in such a disgusting generation where God is no longer the source of strength and power. I should hope that as you mature, have children and they ever are in need of a miracle in their life, that you won’t know whose name to call on. I will. And miracle after miracle I have seen Him perform. It is no coincidence. When you invoke the name of JESUS, Miracles HAPPEN! I pray you find that miracle in your life soon. Read Acts 2:38. Oh I guess the Bible is all made up too, right. In that case, make sure u don’t let anyone get you a present this year!
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An elaborate spoof on Intelligent Design, The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is neither too elaborate nor too spoofy to succeed in nailing the fallacies of ID. It's even wackier than Jonathan Swift's suggestion that the Irish eat their children as a way to keep them from being a burden, and it may offend just as many people, but Henderson, described elsewhere as a 25-year-old "out-of-work physics major," puts satire to the same serious use that Swift did. Oh, yes, it is very funny. -- Scientific American
Dude, if I were our creator, I’d be ashamed of myself for not including built-in milkshake makers into out organic structure. But, everyone has their faults, so give in and praise be to his noodleness.
RAmen
Yeah, if I was your creator and then sent out mixed, amibiguous signals about whether I existed or not and then you later concluded that there wasn’t enough evidence, I’d be so angry I would torture you.
Good one. That reminds me of when I tried to strangle one of my own turds for trying to run away when I flushed it.
You’re correct, the Bible IS all made up; it was written and refined over generations to ensure that a wealthy, patriarchal elite would continue to dominate society. Step back and use your eyes and mind a bit: it is very clear.
The bible has been rewritten more than the cumulative misspellings and awful grammatical errors made by the hate-mailers on this site.
I’m SOLD!
“”Depart from me ye worker of iniquity, I never knew you”"
Why does good speak in that odd faux middle age way?
You know, lots of names when are invoked when I make miracles happen. Makeing sweet, sweet love to my wife you would be amazed at the names she calls out.
“If I was your creator and you mocked me in this manner I couldn’t think of a hell hot enough for you.”
As a Christian, that is the most un-Christian thing I have heard all week. I am sorry that your god is a vengeful god who would sentence someone to an eternity of hell for a joke. Not just any joke, but a funny one. Or does your god not have a sense of humor either? I’d really wish you people would stop going around calling yourselves “Christians.” Your perverted view of the Bible and of Jesus’s teachings often make me ashamed of calling myself a Christian.
What’s all that about presents? Santa Claus is in the Bible?
I think it is even better that Christmas the celebration of Jesus’ birth is celebrated on a pagan holiday. How’s that for ironic.
Don’t stop at not asking for presents. I better not see you eating any chocolate Easter eggs either. Those are for capitalist Xians who love their Lord and the Resurrection Day Bunny, not for heathens like you who just like jelly beans.
Killin’ em. You guys are the best. I’d worship YOU.
Anyone else keep hearing Janet Jackson?
“If I was your creator all the things I’d do to you! I’ll haul you out on Judgement Day and I’ll say ‘I never knew you’…”
If I kept hearing Janet Jackson, I’d be dead already.
if you were my creator, you’d be too busy with the beer volcano and playing with your noodley appendage to be writing silly letters in defense of a fictitious god…
I feel sick to my stomaach too, but only because I ate this dude’s small babies.
They were especially tender.
“In that case, make sure u don’t let anyone get you a present this year!”
Why not? I rather enjoy the completely secular idea that has become the modern-day Christmas.
Look up Paganism and you’ll see that Christianity has all but absorbed this interesting and amazing religion.
wow I love the last line of her email. If you think the Bible is made up then you don’t get presents at Christmas. Cause everyone knows the Bible decrees Christmas presents for all! As long as you believe in Jeebus.
“If I was your creator and you mocked me in this manner I couldn’t think of a hell hot enough for you.”
Are you impugning the omnipotence of YHVH? Heathen!!! Burn the witch!!! Seriously though, why do you insist on making a beautiful concept like love your neighbor and be nice to people and try to love everyone into a which hunting hate mongering genocidal paranoid schizophrenic cult?
God (Jahweh?) is love? Christian hate mail, what a concept.
I feel sorry for your children lady.
Jake, you mean you feel sorry for her “small babies.”
if i was the creator, and that means i created every square inch of everything everywhere, and maybe even transpired everything that’s ever happened… well, i don’t think i’d give a shit. about anything. especially not a joke. especially not a joke that me, the creator, in my infinite wisdom, allowed to happen or made happen.
i’m an infinitely large being, and my feelings get hurt very easily!
I’m not sure which is funnier; your Flying Spaghetti Monster or the brain dead, Bible thumping, illiterate comments from religious nuts who take it seriously! I’ve long believed in a correlation between a person’s degree of religious fundamentalism (whether Christian, Raghead, etc.) and intelligence. They’re inversely proportional! Keep up the good work!
Carbohydrates are my source of strength and power!
“Depart from me ye worker of iniquity, I never knew you (except for that time when I was awash in your noodly goodness).”
“I’ve long believed in a correlation between a person’s degree of religious fundamentalism (whether Christian, Raghead, etc.) and intelligence. They’re inversely proportional!”
Yes!
God can do miracles in their lives everyday, but He apparently can’t teach them to spell!!
“If I was your creator and you mocked me in this manner I couldn’t think of a hell hot enough for you.”
Yes, because God has PMS, just like you do..
My life is amazingly awesome for someone who is an atheist.
Hmm, God must not be paying attention.
“If I was your creator and you mocked me in this manner I couldn’t think of a hell hot enough for you.”
“As a Christian, that is the most un-Christian thing I have heard all week. I am sorry that your god is a vengeful god who would sentence someone to an eternity of hell for a joke. Not just any joke, but a funny one. Or does your god not have a sense of humor either? I’d really wish you people would stop going around calling yourselves “Christians.” Your perverted view of the Bible and of Jesus’s teachings often make me ashamed of calling myself a Christian.” - rich
Obviously god has a sense of humor look at the platypus
I apologize to all fans of the platypus. I did not mean to demean the noble and stupid platypus
Way to blaspheme by putting yourself in God’s shoes. Bravo.
God has a sense of humor. He has to - he made people like the ones complaining about this site. You’ve already sinned by coming here! Too late! Hahahaha!
Meh!
“I should hope that as you mature, have children and they ever are in need of a miracle in their life, that you won’t know whose name to call on. I will. And miracle after miracle I have seen Him perform. It is no coincidence. When you invoke the name of JESUS, Miracles HAPPEN”
Too bad his name was Yeshua. I wonder upon what demon you’re calling? :)
Hail Eris! I mean, FSM! ;)
http://www.whydoesgodhateamputees.com/
Read and weep.
You had me until you used “u” instead of “you”.
Honestly, I think God, in whatever form, has thrown his hands up and said “FUCK THIS!” and went on to create the perfect arcade on some forlorn corner of the universe, with a gigantic skee-ball machine.
“Soul is not even that Crackerjack prize that God and Satan scuffle over after the worms have all licked our bones. That’s why, when we ponder–as sooner or later each of must–exactly what we ought to be doing about our soul, religion is the wrong, if conventional, place to turn. Religion is little more than a transaction in which troubled people trade their souls for temporary and wholly illusionary psychological comfort–the old give-it-up-in-order-to-save-it routine. Religions lead us to believe that the soul is the ultimate family jewel and that in return for our mindless obedience, they can secure it for us in their vaults, or at least insure it against fire and theft. They are mistaken.”
– Character Stubblefield from Villa Incognito, 2004, by Tom Robbins
“If I was your creator and you mocked me in this manner I couldn’t think of a hell hot enough for you.”
… Then you wouldn’t be a very omnipotent creator, now would you?
God has a message for you:
http://static.flickr.com/73/203557558_8a51656709_o.jpg
If I were your creator. I’d rain glimmering chrome poles down across the world for 40 days and 40 nights. Then, all the world would be a perfect stage for strippers, the clouds would rain beer and double-bacon cheeseburgers would grow on shrubbery. Penguins would drive cars and the pope would open an all night disco. Gasoline would be .04 cents a barrel and churches would be transformed into giant robots to fight over the Grand Canyon. Oh, and G4 Tv would go off the air.
FSM counter-point
http://img355.imageshack.us/my.php?image=churchsignbh8.jpg
“”If I was your creator and you mocked me in this manner I couldn’t think of a hell hot enough for you.”
Yes, because God has PMS, just like you do..”
Hey, hey, HEY, don’t get all misogynist because the woman has some serious issues with self-righteous fundamentalitis. I know it’s difficult when you’ve been checked from using the more common “gay” insults and are struggling to come up with something else as equally idiotically witty, but please, could you just try a bit harder and leave my PMS out of it. Because if I was a woman “and you mocked me in this manner I couldn’t think of a hell hot enough for you.” muhahahahahaha.
What happened to “Judge not, least ye be judged?” or “He who is without sin, cast the first stone?”
You suck at Christianity. :D
Yeah you suck at it. I mean, you don’t even read the Bible in Aramaic or Hebrew of Koine Greek! I mean how can you possibly expect to know that all Gays, Hindus, Muslims, Gays, Buddhists, gays and Sikhs are going to burn in a shameless rippoff of Tartarus? You cannot. And for the record, I am your father.
Dear Jesus,
I don’t know if you exist or not. I suspect not but I will suspend my disbelief and acknowledge that the world is full of many learned people who have been proved wrong.
Having said that, I have recently had occasion to read some of the postings by your emissaries. I would suggest to you that while your recruitment may be robust, the quality of candidate is sorely lacking. To wit, if I may, I suggest the following:
1) While I understand that your’s is an inclusive organization, I would suggest that some of the leaders of your church(es) are not your best spokespeople and are in grave need of remedial training. While Mr. Robertson may believe that Mr. Chavez of Venezuela may be in need of killing, I do recall your father had suggested killing one another was not looked upon with favour.
2) Some of your adherents seem to forget that you, the basis of Christianity, were/are, in fact, Jewish. They also seem to blame those of the Jewish faith for your murder. I find this perplexing as, in the book written about your life, it is pretty clear to me that it was the Romans who played a far greater role in you ultimate demise. Now that I think of it, were it not for your death, there would be no Christianity. Hence, some of your antediluvian trogoldyte “Christian” followers would be antediluvian trogoldyte “Jewish” followers. Perhaps a word with Mr. Gibson is in order as I suspect he will have a great deal of time on his hands in the near and longer terms.
3) I would suggest that the average man-on-the-street commentator be discouraged from offering half-baked, grammatically incorrect, misspelled and poorly punctuated comments on web forums. At a minimum, please ensure that they receive some media training.
Well, Jesus, that’s about all for me. Again, while I have my doubts as to your existence, if you are real, you seem like a nice guy with some good ideas. Douglas Adams, who, again, if you are real, probably is making you laugh until you wet your robes, put it very well in one of the books in the Hitchhiker series when he wrote about a girl who had a deep and profound thought while sitting at a cafe about a guy who lived 2,000 years before and who thought the world would be a far better place if we all just learned to be nice to one another. I suspect he was writing about you.
Oh, you may have heard me recently calling out your name in anger. I was drywalling and fell off the ladder. No major damage but the pride took a beating (a sin, I know . . .). Sorry about that.
It scares the shit out of me that these dumb asses are allowed to drive. If you are so dumb as to buy the Jesus myth, no questions asked, then you are fools. God wants you to educate yourself, learn and grow, not sit around and play in muddy pools of stagnate lies. If you truly knew god, you would long out-grow the limits of “Christian” tripe.
But you’re NOT our creator, so stick your head out of our big joke and in to your totally human, mortal, non-creator, butt!
It is really sad to think that at Judgement you will be standing in front of Spaghetti Almighty and he will look at you and say “Depart from me ye worker of iniquity, you never tasted of me.” I am sick to my stomach that your small babies will live in such a disgusting household where “God” is the source of strength and power. Only complex carbs can give you the strength!!! EAT OF HIS LOINS AND YOU SHALT BE SALVED. PS-He will cast you down into the boiling sauces of hell if you refuse his magnificence.
Yes, the bible is in fact, made up. One of the benefits to being the victor in a war is not only to reap the spoils, but the privilege of rewriting history. Christianity was initially a government, not a religion and anyone who opposed that government was deemed Pagan and therefore evil. Control was held by the church because they purported themselves to be the singular conduit through which humans could reach God..hence the obliteration of the ancient religions and teachings and the complete decimation of any and all evidence that Jesus was human, not a deity. Man, not God, took it upon himself to the “rewrite the book” to reinforce that which he believed made him a supreme power.
Yet another ‘merciful’ creator….
I do not accept jesus as my personal saviour.
You guys are killing me. I love you all. I need to find some kind of meeting ground with you so I can bask in your wit in real-time.
Especially that Jesus-letter, that seriously had me laughing aloud, my mother came in and asked what all the fuss was about.
Keep up the good work, my noodle-brained friends!
Do you not think that Jesus enjoys a good joke now and then? Dude, his first miracle was water into wine… his first miracle was just to KEEP THE PARTY GOIN’, KEEP THE LIQUOR FLOWIN’!!! Plus, he hung out with 12 dirty old men. They weren’t as polite and snobby as Falwell and the Pope would have you think. I hate the bastardized Jesus the church puts up now. Jesus loved to party, Jesus drank, Jesus enjoyed stories and jokes, Jesus was a fun-loving guy. You may get a nice surprise when you get up to the gate to find St. Peter is too busy playing black jack to let you in the gates.
Hey, uh, yeah… This bothers me to no end… You seem to think that God is an omniscient being, and that He creates everyone while they’re still in their mother’s womb… So, why is it that He can make such shitty people? I mean, He IS perfect, right? We ARE created in His image, no? How’s about this, you E-Mail me and Asher_Rosenbloom@Hotmail.com, and we’ll make this an official mano-a-mano debate. I’m an Atheist, but I’ll be damned where I stand and fucked one thousand ways if I’m going to let some right-wing jerk take away freedom of choice, which is an integral part of having a heart beating in your chest.
What kind of pussy-god do you worship? He’s all-powerful, but incapable of taking a bit of criticism? I think I surpassed your god in terms of maturity when I turned 3.
Isn’t it really funny to think that if these Christians read the bible, they would find out that the end of days was supposed to come two thousand years ago. http://asv.biblebrowser.com/mark/13-30.htm
That puts a whole different spin on things!
I have terrible news. The deepest conspiracy of all history is about to be revealed. (this is what you learn hagning out with ‘Secret Society’ ‘Illuminati’ types)
Jesus Christ was a propaganda tool invented by the Romans to subvert the Jews. He was a deification of the “other” JC.
Jesus Christ===Julius Caesar
Same initials, same time frame, same approximate life span, both betrayed by their most trusted advisor, who had phonetically similar names (Brutus vs. Judas) and both completely useless in comprehending and coping with the very real and immediate problems of THE FUCKING PRESENT.
Think about it…
I will admit my Christian brothers and sisters aren’t perfect and they fall from His grace but it’s in our nature to make mistakes. I really hope you guys open your eyes before judgement day. If Christianity is a lie than Christians are the biggest fools in the world but if not we will be the only forgiven. You all see God’s judgement as cruel. The only cruel judgement He can give you is if you don’t accept His son. All other sins are forgiven. You must also understand that God is love. When He judges it is by love, when He corrects it is through His love, when He gives life it is through love. It is not God that harms you either. You have spent so long thinking you can live with out Him than you can live with out Him in hell. The demons are what cause you pain. Pain that you brought upon yourselves. Pain that was avoidable through just accepting Christ. I am leaving to the middle east as a warrior in your military. I’m glad that I’m protecting my right to be a Christian and the right of my brothers and sisters to be Christians but I’m also glad that I protect your rights to live in freedom. That way you may have time to open your eyes before it’s too late. As for the conspiracy behind the bible and everything they aren’t legitimate. It would be like saying Michael Jordan and Michael Jackson are the same people because they have the same initials and lived in the same time frame. Just because they lived in the same time frame means nothing. You people grew up in a world hearing just one side but you are reluctant to see that Atheism is a faith in itself and this noodle thing is a sick mockery of my religion. Christian’s aren’t perfect people. We have standards we must live up to and we fail sometimes and everytime we fall its people like you that drag us down further. I will desperately pray for you all. You may laugh at me and joke of me but why when you have already done it to The One who gave you life. You may find it hard to believe that God created the world and universe but I find it hard to believe that some great big ball of energy existed since the begining of time and for some reason with out any sort of catalyst exploded and over a long time all the elements came from it and that all the laws of physics just happened to be there. You believe that we all essentially came from rocks. Why is it then that we do not have new species being created in labs. If creation is that simple. A living cell is a very complex thing. The most simple one celled organism would die if just one of its components were discarded. How is it then that it had all this time to create parts of its body then. Make a bowl of primordial soup. See how long it takes life to come from it. You say it takes a long time. I believe it doesn’t matter how much time. Nothing will come from it. You can put all the elements to make DNA and the starting proteins to incase it but it will never form. Even if the first organisms where just strands of DNA incased in protein shells they would just merely be viruses. They have no organisms to infect and reproduce. Leaving no room for evolution because evolution requires offspring. You contradict yourself when you say that life comes from life. Its hypocritical to say that the first organism was an exception. I could write a whole book with facts but it will not change your opinions. I pray that one day you just open your eyes. Visit creationism.org. You will find more answers there.
God bless all of you,
Michael
One thing i always love, is how people say they will “pray for you”. In itself, this is…insulting. Personally, i think two things…
i) If i really wanted to pray, and believed it would work, I’d do it myself.
ii)Because i don’t, i do not understand how it will help if you “pray for me” while at the same time believing that eternal damnation awaits me.
Finally, i find it a bit insulting cus His Noodly Greatness looks out for us anyway.
Ramen
the real miracle would be to try and find some wholehearted understanding in those bible quoters, wouldn’t it?
Hmm… If I invoke the name of Jesus miracles happen?
JESUS- FIREBALL!
JESUS, I CHOOSE YOU!
JESUS- EARTHQUAKE DELIVERY!
Doesn’t work. You should try Thelema, doesn’t work well, but atleast a little better.
You have just committed hubris when placing yourself as God, I think thats a sin…
And I really hate the “no god- no presents” laughable crap arguments. You stole that from pagans, Jews and other more respectable people.
Praise FSM in all his noodliness. RAmen.
michael
.
“If Christianity is a lie than Christians are the biggest fools in the world….”
.
Yes in so many more ways than you could imagine, you would have squandered your consiousness on belief in a non existing imaginary father figure because you where either to ignorant or to fearful of the truth.
.
Also think of the loss, as a person how believes in evolution nothing is more amazing or bueatiful, you could not even imagine if you don’t believe in it.
.
I read books on evolution and am awe struck, literally breathless, you look at a creature, like a dolphin and see something made like it come from Ikea, flat packed shelves. Put together in the blink of an eye by some intelligent being. I look at a dolphin and see millions of years worth of adapting, developing, struggle and triumph.
.
You look at an animal/human and see the finished article, I look at it and see work in progress.
.
You are loosing out on something truely breath taking.
michael
.
You seem to speak to us as if we have no understanding of christianity, most of us have come from similar backgrounds to you.
.
I grow up in one of the most catholic cities in England, all the best schools are catholic and if you want to join (as I did) you must be a believer and so much both your Mum and Dad. My school was next to a church and we not only visited on sundays but during the week too, I passed Religious studies in school with an A*.
.
Up until the last few years I could quote word for word several of the bible stories, nothing on creationism.org will be new to me.
.
I wonder if you could boast the same understanding in evolution? Could you quote for Darwins Origins of species? or The selfish Gene?
why is everybody so worried about judgement day. is a week from now. is it after christmas. will it be like it was in terminator 2: judgement day. o please god, don’t make the machines take over.
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stop fucking worrying about judgement day. for all i can say is that judgement day is a very long way off from now
What does being a Pastafarian have to do with not getting birthday presents?
Wow, this email actually succeeded in transmitting no information!