How fucking dare you make

Published March 25th, 2006 by Bobby Henderson

How fucking dare you make fun of my lord and savior Jesus Christ. He died on the cross for my and your sins you fucking peice of shit. You can’t fucking do that you fucking fuck. Go fuck yourself you fuck!!! FUCK YOU!!!!!!! ANTICHRIST!!! YEA, YOUR THE ANTICHRIST YOU FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO GO FUCK UP ISREAL YOU FUCKING FUCK. BOBY BITCHEMSOMS = 666 666 666 PISS WHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!! YOUR GONA BURN IN HELL FOREVER YOU LARGE FUCK. You are an ass crack. You know what an ass crack is bitch? Thats exactly what you look like. Piss whole!!!!! You should go shuve your face up someon’s fucking ass you fucking fuck of a fucking fucker fucky fuck fuck fucker fucky fucker fucky fucker fucky fuck fuck!!!!! FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!! YOU RUIN EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!! YOUR LEADING THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE INTO HELL YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!! YOU HAVE NO FUCKING RIGHT TO DO THAT YOU FUCKING BASTARD GO FUCK YOUR SELF OR FUCK A TREE OR FUCK YOUR WIFE!!!!!!!! GO FUCK THE FLYING SPHIGETTI MONSTER YOU FUCK!!!!!! -Guido Arbia



309 Responses to “How fucking dare you make”

  1. Guido Arbia says:

    “I sympathise, no, wrong word. I pity Gweeds.”

    You don’t need to sympathize with me or pity me, because the Lord is with me, but you’re in danger, and I’m trying to get you out of that danger.

    “To hold a belief so fervently and have it questioned by us must be distressing.”

    It’s not distressing. You’re arguments are not as sharp as you think they are.

    “The god-botherers are used to being told they’re wrong, but normally by bogans yelling at them that it’s all bullshit. It IS all bullshit, but I think that we tend to illustrate this through asking pointed questions and highlighting contradictions, and outright fallacies.”

    No, most people actually try to reason about it, especially since they want to prove that they are so intellectual. You haven’t actually highlighted any real contradictions or fallacies.

    “He’s bought a knife to a theological gun-fight.”

    The gun you’re using doesn’t have any bullets.

    “The reason most religious people get pissy when questions are asked is that they realise they weren’t smart enough to ask them themselves. They’re on the spot trying to answer something that they have never critically though about, because let’s face it, if they had, they probably wouldn’t believe in it anymore.”"

    A lot of Christian doubt their faith every day, but they find answers when they search for it. Nothing you’ve said so far has surprised me.

    “I’ve been halfway through an argument and realized I was wrong.”

    That’s a little hard to believe.

    “It’s incredibly annoying. My saving grace is that I consider anyone incapable of changing their view in light of new evidence or a previously unconsidered perspective to be a fucking idiot.”

    I’m not incapable of changing my view, but I choose to believe the truth.

    “When younger, I held on to fucking idiocy for longer than I do now, but I’ve never been burdened with having to believe something stupid because of fear that the world will go on without me. It’s the need to feel special and safe that drives these people.”

    You’re real fear is the judgment of God, and that’s what drives all your arguments against the truth.

    “The reality that nobody’s particularly special, and we sure as hell aren’t safe is threatening. I don’t need the promise of eternal life. I actually couldn’t think of a worse torture. I’ll die, as will my friends, family and everyone else. Boo-fucking-hoo. Gabe, Gweeds and their lot just need to grow up a bit. Perhaps a lot.”

    That would be threatening if it was true, but it’s not true. God loves each one of us, even in spite of how evil we are, but if we refuse to acknowledge how evil we are, He cannot give us the good things He has for us, because we have not given Him what is necessary for Him to forgive us, a faith in His Son Jesus Christ.

    Amen.

    • TheFewTheProudTheMarinara says:

      Does god love us all so much he has an eternal torture chamber waiting for some of us?

      • Guido Arbia says:

        He has an eternal torture chamber waiting for people who want to go there, because that is the free decision that they have made.

      • Guido Arbia says:

        I mean they choose to reject everything that is good, so they are left with nothing good.

        • Guido Arbia says:

          Sorry, I’m not being clear. What you have to understand is this. People deserve to go to hell because compared to a righteous, holy, and perfect God they are utterly corrupt. And if God is truly righteous, holy and perfect, then is would be contrary to love for God not to destroy what destroys love. We destroy love because we break the law of love. The Bible says that God is love. If we reject God, then we reject love. We are punished for our sin against a holy God. But the proof of God’s love is His willingness to be punished in our place on the cross. Once again, if we reject what He did, there is nothing left He can do.

      • Apprentice Frederic says:

        On balance, tFtPtM, I rather prefer Guido’s original post. The more recent ones are more polite, but they say the same things. Worse, they are smug and arrogant. But it is surprising that Guido would so arrogant as to attempt to speak for his god.

        • Guido Arbia says:

          “The more recent ones are more polite, but they say the same things”

          They sort of do, but you didn’t understand what I said either the first time or the second time. I am merely elaborating on something that you’re failing to understand. While I am telling you that God is good, you are telling me that He is evil. And while I am explaining why people go to hell, you are insisting that they don’t deserve it, because you don’t want to believe that you could possibly have done anything to deserve His wrath, and because you are so angry with God, even though He hasn’t even punished you yet, and even though He is still waiting for you to realize that He is your creator, the one who loves you so much that He suffered horrific pains on the cross, bearing the full wrath of God, the total penalty for the sin of every person who has broken His law, just so that if you would merely refrain from this one sin, refusing to place your faith in Jesus Christ, God can put all your sins behind His back, and declare you righteousness, even though you are so evil, and can bless you with eternal life and eternal joy. Don’t you understand that?

          “Worse, they are smug and arrogant.”

          I’m not trying to be arrogant for the sake of being arrogant. I’m not trying to be arrogant at all. But the truth is harsh on your ears, because you cannot stand to consider that God’s Word is true. In everything I’m saying, I am just trying to defend God’s Word. God is supreme, so when I speak of God’s power, you are appalled at the thought of God’s power. The truth is that you personally hate the God of the Bible. For whatever reason, you are angry with Him, and want to believe all your might that He doesn’t exist. This is the problem with mankind. People hate God, because the devil hates God, and people choose to believe the devil instead of God.

          “But it is surprising that Guido would so arrogant as to attempt to speak for his god.”

          God gave this command to all His people.

          “And Jesus came and spake unto them, saying, All power is given unto me in heaven and in earth. 19Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost: 20Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world. Amen.” (Mathew 28:18-20)

  2. Guido Arbia says:

    Also, I feel bad because I haven’t used much scripture, and have relied mostly on what I have the ability to say. I think I want to let the Bible speak for itself about false Christians and such.

    “But there were false prophets also among the people, even as there shall be false teachers among you, who privily shall bring in damnable heresies, even denying the Lord that bought them, and bring upon themselves swift destruction. 2And many shall follow their pernicious ways; by reason of whom the way of truth shall be evil spoken of. 3And through covetousness shall they with feigned words make merchandise of you: whose judgment now of a long time lingereth not, and their damnation slumbereth not.” (II Peter 2)

    “Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven” (Mathew 7:21-23)

    “And this is the will of him that sent me, that every one which seeth the Son, and believeth on him, may have everlasting life: and I will raise him up at the last day.” (John 6:40)

    “Wherefore the Lord said, Forasmuch as this people draw near [me] with their mouth, and with their lips do honour me, but have removed their heart far from me, and their fear toward me is taught by the precept of men:” (Isaiah 29:3)

    ” They profess that they know God; but in works they deny him, being abominable, and disobedient, and unto every good work reprobate.” (Titus 1:16)

    And also, here are some other verses which I have referred to:

    “16 For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth; to the Jew first, and also to the Greek.

    17 For therein is the righteousness of God revealed from faith to faith: as it is written, The just shall live by faith.

    18 For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who hold the truth in unrighteousness;

    19 Because that which may be known of God is manifest in them; for God hath shewed it unto them.

    20 For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and Godhead; so that they are without excuse:

    21 Because that, when they knew God, they glorified him not as God, neither were thankful; but became vain in their imaginations, and their foolish heart was darkened.

    22 Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools,

    23 And changed the glory of the uncorruptible God into an image made like to corruptible man, and to birds, and fourfooted beasts, and creeping things.” (Romans 1:16-23)

    “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” (John 3:16)

    “Therefore thou art inexcusable, O man, whosoever thou art that judgest: for wherein thou judgest another, thou condemnest thyself; for thou that judgest doest the same things. 2But we are sure that the judgment of God is according to truth against them which commit such things. 3And thinkest thou this, O man, that judgest them which do such things, and doest the same, that thou shalt escape the judgment of God? 4Or despisest thou the riches of his goodness and forbearance and longsuffering; not knowing that the goodness of God leadeth thee to repentance? 5But after thy hardness and impenitent heart treasurest up unto thyself wrath against the day of wrath and revelation of the righteous judgment of God; 6Who will render to every man according to his deeds: 7To them who by patient continuance in well doing seek for glory and honour and immortality, eternal life: 8But unto them that are contentious, and do not obey the truth, but obey unrighteousness, indignation and wrath, 9Tribulation and anguish, upon every soul of man that doeth evil, of the Jew first, and also of the Gentile; 10But glory, honour, and peace, to every man that worketh good, to the Jew first, and also to the Gentile: 11For there is no respect of persons with God.

    12For as many as have sinned without law shall also perish without law: and as many as have sinned in the law shall be judged by the law; 13(For not the hearers of the law are just before God, but the doers of the law shall be justified. 14For when the Gentiles, which have not the law, do by nature the things contained in the law, these, having not the law, are a law unto themselves: 15Which shew the work of the law written in their hearts, their conscience also bearing witness, and their thoughts the mean while accusing or else excusing one another;) 16In the day when God shall judge the secrets of men by Jesus Christ according to my gospel.

    The Jews and the Law
    17Behold, thou art called a Jew, and restest in the law, and makest thy boast of God, 18And knowest his will, and approvest the things that are more excellent, being instructed out of the law; 19And art confident that thou thyself art a guide of the blind, a light of them which are in darkness, 20An instructor of the foolish, a teacher of babes, which hast the form of knowledge and of the truth in the law. 21Thou therefore which teachest another, teachest thou not thyself? thou that preachest a man should not steal, dost thou steal? 22Thou that sayest a man should not commit adultery, dost thou commit adultery? thou that abhorrest idols, dost thou commit sacrilege? 23Thou that makest thy boast of the law, through breaking the law dishonourest thou God? 24For the name of God is blasphemed among the Gentiles through you, as it is written.” (Romans 2:1-24)

    • Keith says:

      Yes, Guido,
      I hear what you say and it goes something like this: Blah, blah, blah: god, blah, blah buybull says this, scriptures say that. Cutting and pasting from a tired old fantasy novel really won’t get you anywhere, you know: I could do the same with Lord of the Rings and it’s much more readable.

    • TheFewTheProudTheMarinara says:

      Hey, Guido – can you skip to the juicy parts, like the angel-raping?

      • Dorothy says:

        When I touch myself I read the bible, those parts about jumping on blades really get me moist.

        Especially all the virgin women being raped.

        • Guido Arbia says:

          God doesn’t condone virgin women getting raped. You’re just misinterpreting the scriptures. If the bible says that anyone was raped, it doesn’t say that God told anyone to do that. It just says that it happened. Oh, and about the judgment of God, about the evil things that God warned would happen to Israel if they refused to repent, yeah that’s cruel, but that’s the judgment of God on evil men. Don’t you think evil men deserve a cruel punishment? It’s cruel because it’s what they deserve. However, God says in His word that He “takes no pleasure in the death of the wicked” and “but that the wicked turn from his way and live.” So yeah, God even says the day of the Lord is cruel, because it is cruel. It’s the cruelty deserve by people who are cruel. Also, God didn’t make the Babylonians or any nation do anything to Israel they didn’t want to do. God’s not culpable for their actions, but because of Israel’s sin, God withdraw His hand, and permitted the things He knew they were going to do.

        • Atsap Revol says:

          WOO-HOO, We’ve got another live one here. Shades of Big Guy, Sam of God, and all the other contributors to the hell-fire and brimstone conspiracy. Generally these missionaries will not honestly answer questions, but I’ll pose one for Good-oh. You believe that your god is inherently good and that anything he does or orders man to do is good because he says it is good. Explain how murdering innocent suckling babes is good. (Re; order given to Joshua at Jericho or in Exodus the murder of all first born in Egypt.)

          I won’t even mention the mythical great flood that killed innocent grandmas and babies as well as sinful, wicked adults. Even though he seems to improve his demeanor in the new testament, this is the same god who is the “dad of Jesus.” This is a god that can be considered loving only if one blindly ignores the most basic moral decency.

          Please don’t give me that old “god moves in many ways,” or “as mortals we can’t understand his actions.” If the Bible is indeed inspired by your infallible god, the words concerning his many atrocities are clear and must be taken at face value.

          If you choose to answer, p;ease avoid the bullshit factor in your post.

          Atsap Revol, Bishop of Blasphemy

        • Guido Arbia says:

          I’ve already addressed those issues in another thread.

        • Atsap Revol says:

          No, Guido, you have not really addressed those issues. I’ve read every post you’ve made. You throw up a screen of contradictory pseudoquotes from the Bible. Many of your statements are your interpretations and have nothing to do with what is written in your holy book.

          In one post you said that god places a morality “guide” in each human mind. The morality guide he “placed” in my mind tells me that stoning people for minor offences, killing witches, keeping slaves, and killing innocent suckling babes is WRONG. In fact it is not just wrong, it is profoundly evil. So, is this a matter of god telling us to “do as I say, not as I do?” Is he so above human reason and morals that he can break his own moral code and do evil things to humanity?

          You are not good at christian apologetics. You are neither as smart nor as christian as you believe yourself to be. You lack the maturity to formulate a reasonable and logical answer to my question. You are not as much of a Bible scholar as you think you are. Many contributors to this site have read and studied the Bible far more than you have, Many contributors were once christians who renounced their faith upon deeper study of the history and dogma of your church.

          Now, once again, how do you justify a “loving” god with the sick, self-centered, jealous, wrathful god of the old testament? Don’t try to cut-and-paste your way around a real answer.

          Atsap Revol, Bishop of Blasphemy

        • Guido Arbia says:

          “No, Guido, you have not really addressed those issues. I’ve read every post you’ve made. You throw up a screen of contradictory pseudoquotes from the Bible. Many of your statements are your interpretations and have nothing to do with what is written in your holy book.”

          Please explain how my pseudo-quotes are contradictory, and how my interpretations are unfaithful to the text.

          In one post you said that god places a morality “guide” in each human mind. The morality guide he “placed” in my mind tells me that stoning people for minor offences, killing witches, keeping slaves, and killing innocent suckling babes is WRONG.’

          So you agree with God’s laws that these things are wrong, and show that His law is indeed written on your heart, just like the bible says.

          “In fact it is not just wrong, it is profoundly evil. So, is this a matter of god telling us to “do as I say, not as I do?” Is he so above human reason and morals that he can break his own moral code and do evil things to humanity?”

          God can do evil things to evil people, because that’s what they deserve. It is the righteous judgment of God. Understand that God is the judge, and since He is the judge, according to His own law, He must execute judgment.

          “You are not good at christian apologetics. You are neither as smart nor as christian as you believe yourself to be. You lack the maturity to formulate a reasonable and logical answer to my question.”

          I don’t really care how smart or mature you think I am. I am just trying to tell you the truth. I gave you an answer that makes perfect sense, but you just don’t want to admit that you’re a sinner, and that all your fellow human being are also sinners.

          “You are not as much of a Bible scholar as you think you are.”

          I never once said or implied that I was a Bible scholar. Once again, I am just telling you what I’ve learning from studying God’s word, from reading the words of credible teachers, and from listening to good preaching.

          “Many contributors to this site have read and studied the Bible far more than you have, Many contributors were once christians who renounced their faith upon deeper study of the history and dogma of your church.”

          I’m sure they have studied the Bible than I have. Unfortunately, they didn’t permit the Spirit of God to teach them as they studied His word, so they failed to understand what they were reading. They also believed lies about the origins of the church, and failed to distinguish between the Christian and the hypocrite, as I have already told you.

          “Now, once again, how do you justify a “loving” god with the sick, self-centered, jealous, wrathful god of the old testament? Don’t try to cut-and-paste your way around a real answer.”

          Easy, a God of love must execute judgment against those who break the law of love. If God is love, He must hate evil, as it has been said many time before. And since we are evil, we deserve the judgment of God, even the painful wrath of God.

          Also, about your claim that God is self-centered and jealous. Yep, that’s true, but not in the way that you’re thinking of it. God’s deserves glory because He is worthy of all glory. And He is jealous, not because He is envious of what someone else has, but because people refuse to give Him the glory the belongs to Him and Him alone. God is holy, just, and pure, and the source of all good, and the reason behind all things. Therefore, the glory belongs to Him. If you don’t like it, that’s because you hate God, because He’s good and you’re evil.

        • Guido Arbia says:

          Oh, and let me just clarify something, since I didn’t exactly give a good answer for this part:

          “In one post you said that god places a morality “guide” in each human mind. The morality guide he “placed” in my mind tells me that stoning people for minor offences, killing witches, keeping slaves, and killing innocent suckling babes is WRONG.’”

          The moral guide is your mind is telling you that hurting innocent people is wrong. The problem is that you fail to understand that people are not innocent. Now God says that we are not to do harm to anyone, because they are created in the image of God, but when people break God’s law, it is also part of God’s law that they should be judged. So God commanded His people as instruments of His judgment, to punish those who break his law, because even though their offenses were minor in the sight of men, they were severe in the sight of God. Witches are evil. You’re problem is you don’t believe they are evil. God never told His people it was okay to enslave people. All he said was that people who owed a debt should pay off the debt by working for the person they owed to debt to, whose debtors are referred to as slaves, but on every seventh year, every slave throughout all Israel should be released from their debt. That’s like someone working at a restaurant who bought tons of food but didn’t pay for it.

        • Atsap Revol says:

          Well, Guido, your response is about what I expected. You’re right, I don’t believe witches are evil because there’s no such thing as a witch (or wizard), regardless of what your holy book says. The witch trials in New England are a fine example of “christian” ignorance and doing harm to innocent people.

          You have carefully walked around the issue of killing “suckling babes,” as recorded in your holy book. You indicated that “god can do evil things to evil people.” So are suckling babes evil because of original sin? Or tell me how they otherwise have transgressed against your god.

          Also, you indicated that god can do EVIL things. How does that fit with your picture of an “all-good, all-loving god.” Was god’s testing of Job an example of doing evil things to a good person? God’s wager was with Satan, but god allowed evil things to happen to Job. I don’t want that kind of god for my best buddy!

          I await your answer to the question of how god can justify his killing of suckling babes. Just a straight answer, please. Leave out the extraneous bullshit.

          Atsap Revol, Proclaimed As Evil By Guido, The Self-Appointed Spokesman Of God

        • Guido Arbia says:

          “Well, Guido, your response is about what I expected. You’re right, I don’t believe witches are evil because there’s no such thing as a witch (or wizard), regardless of what your holy book says. The witch trials in New England are a fine example of “christian” ignorance and doing harm to innocent people.”

          The trials in New England are an example of the ignorance of people in general. But if they really were witches, then according to the laws of God given in the old testament, they should be put to death. However, in this age, we are not under the law of the old testament, because we are under the law of grace, because Jesus Christ fulfilled the law that we could never fulfill ourselves, and gave us freedom from the law by offering us the free gift of salvation. We know from history that the early Americans were ignorant, because they falsely accused people of being witches, if that really is the case. But we also know from the Bible, that in the land of Israel there were real witches, who did their magic with the power that the devil gave them. So, because they did what the devil wanted instead of God, knowing what they were doing, and doing it in the open and without shame, God commanded His people to put them to death. Why should God allow those witches to deceive the whole nation, and lead them into all the sins for which God finally had to hand them over to captivity through the Babylonians?

          “You have carefully walked around the issue of killing “suckling babes,” as recorded in your holy book. You indicated that “god can do evil things to evil people.” So are suckling babes evil because of original sin? Or tell me how they otherwise have transgressed against your god.”

          I haven’t carefully walked around any issue. You said you’ve read every post that I made. I said that the minds of those infants were overwhelmed with evil, because they lived in a culture where people did excessive amounts of evil, and the only way God could keep them from His ultimate judgment, was to take them to heaven before they reached the age of accountability. If God let them live with the Hebrews, then they would have corrupted the Hebrews. They would have grown up in sin, being without hope of redemption because they were so affected by their early experiences that they could not be taught to live another way. If God wanted to be cruel, He could have let them grow up with the Hebrews, and then judged the Hebrews along with the adults from the other nations, because their sin had completely polluted the whole nation of Israel. And guess what? Since Isreal disobeyed God’s command to completely wipe out those nations, God ultimately had to punish them for their sin for that exact reason. They practiced the evil things that all those nations did. In fact, as the bible says, they did even worse. Should God have let those nations spread throughout the earth, and bring the whole earth into a state of hell? That is the kind of God you shouldn’t want to serve, not the God of the Bible. The God of the Bible is worthy of your whole life.

          “Also, you indicated that god can do EVIL things. How does that fit with your picture of an “all-good, all-loving god.” Was god’s testing of Job an example of doing evil things to a good person? God’s wager was with Satan, but god allowed evil things to happen to Job. I don’t want that kind of god for my best buddy!”

          A good God must punish evil, and when He punishes evil, He causes the objects of His wrath to feel as though evil were being done to them, because in all truth they are being tormented, but they know in their hearts that the real evil is in them. God does not do anything evil, but in the context of their experiences, He does evil things to those who are evil, because justice demands that evil be punished with consequences that appear evil. In all truth, it’s not really evil, because it is the righteous judgement of God, but in a different context altogether, they are suffering from what they experience as evil. So, if someone goes to jail because a judge sent them there, the person in jail might feel like evil is being done to him. But it’s not evil. It’s justice. And that person knows that they are in jail because they have broken the law. You can accuse me of committing the no true Scottsman fallacy, or whatever other fallacy you think is appropriate, but look up the the occurrences of the word evil in the Bible, and see that it is translated from different words that mean different things. The actions of God which are called evil, and the things that God has made which are called evil, are not called evil in the context of right and wrong, but in the context of how they feel to those who have broken God’s law.

          “I await your answer to the question of how god can justify his killing of suckling babes. Just a straight answer, please. Leave out the extraneous bullshit.”

          I await your answer to how evolution works, without the extraneous explanation of random mutation and natural selection, since that’s too much of a round about answer to make sense, according to your own logic.

          “Atsap Revol, Proclaimed As Evil By Guido, The Self-Appointed Spokesman Of God”

          Guido, a sinner saved by God, commanded to preach the gospel, which God commanded all His saints to preach.

  3. Dorothy says:

    God is gay.

    • Keith says:

      God is too evil to be gay.

      • Jesus says:

        My dad can be a real dick sometimes. He lost dinosaurs in the divorce and didn’t credit them in his autobiography.

        • FENWICK says:

          Well, Jesus, we know that those dinosaurs were created and present in the Garden Of Eden. They were there with Adam and Eve, just like in the Flintstone’s story. But the early dinosaurs were vegetarians (just as Guido’s holy book tells us). T. Rex had those big teeth so that he could crack coconuts.

          Stupid scientists try to tell us that dinosaurs died out 60 million years ago, but that can’t be true because the Earth is only six or seven thousand years old. The problem for the dinosaurs was that there just wasn’t room on Noah’s Ark for all their big fat asses, so they drowned. That was an oversight on the part of God. His plans for the Ark should have included a couple more decks with several thousand additional square cubits of floor space.

          Well, praise the Lord and Colonel Saunders, at least the descendents of dinosaurs survived the deluge (the chickens, that is). Oh hell, that implies evolution which we know is a false theory bandied about by Pastafarian sinners and such.

          You are right about your dad, Jesus. He can be a real dick sometimes.

          FENWICK

          P.S. See the thread on the site “T. Rex Ate Coconuts”

        • Keith says:

          And don’t forget that God gave Noah an awesome Pokemon Transfer System so that he could grab kangaroos, platypuses and echidnas from the other side of the world (which, according to the buybull was flat) and zap them onto his ark.

        • FENWICK says:

          And, Keith, He also had to get all those marsupials and other weird critters home again after the Ark landed on Mt. Arrrrat. Must have been a muddy mucking mess after the waters subsided. I give God low marks for killing most living things with a flood. Shirley, an all-powerful God could have just nuked the shit out of everything. No wonder poor old Noah got roaring-ass drunk after cleaning out the megatons of animal dung that was pooped out on the Ark. The stench on that vessel must have been nauseous.

          But why in the name of our Dear Lord was the unclean swine saved from extinction? Meat of that animal was and is abhorred by Jews and Muslims alike, not to mention 7th-Day Adventists. For that matter, why did God even create pigs? It wasn’t until Jesus later gave the OK that porkchops became acceptable food. Thank you, Jesus, I do love porkchops. It’s all very confusing.

        • Keith says:

          Even crabs and crayfish were saved. We aren’t supposed to eat them, or mussels,or cockles. Whelks, according to Monty Python, are the worst of perverts and would definitely be unclean. According to some versions of the buybull (which apparently do not include Jeebus saying that you can eat anything) about half the food I’ve shovelled down my throat must be unclean. I haven’t been punished yet, and I was brought up on bacon and eggs.

        • FENWICK says:

          As compensation for not being allowed to eat pigs, clams, oysters, crabs, eels (no scales), rabbits, and roadkilled possums, observers of the OT food laws may eat all the locusts they can hold. Keith, Hell will be full of bacon eaters. You will have lots of company. I hope you haven’t been seething kids in their mother’s milk or eating beef stroganoff…that would add years to your eternal punishment. Christians (except SDA’s) may have ham at Easter to show how the Saviour has improved their lives.

          FUNWICK

  4. Apprentice Frederic says:

    With apologies for getting sucked in and not having a response nearly as cogent and complete as many of the above folks, I nonetheless have to say that the key – and insurmountable – sticking point in all this is simply that Guido with his word “understand” simply means “accept the doctrine that I have stated”. It has been said many times in many ways that non-believers – at least in the West – have typically been thoroughly schooled in Christian doctrine, and abandoned it for any/all of the good reasons that Christians are often, if not always, morally bankrupt, and their theology – especially the mythological portion – makes no sense, and that morality and decency is not a Christian monopoly – far from it. My heart is full of pity and sorrow that Guido cannot understand the all-encompassing mercy, wisdom, and power of his Noodlyness.

    • Keith says:

      The other possibility is that Guido is a troll and takes pleasure from stirring us up. If that is the case he could find objects of his attention that do not waste so much time: like building model kits or watching anime.

      • Apprentice Frederic says:

        Thanks, Keith, good point – rather than waste more of MY time,that’s what I’m gonna do, anyway, LOL.

  5. Guido Arbia says:

    It has been told me by Christians wiser than me, that preachers must verify their calling with the elders in their local church. Since I have been proclaiming the Gospel so energetically, as though I were sent, but have not confimed this with my pastor, I will not be making any further posts. God bless you all, and I pray that you that you see th truth, regardless of how some have harmed the faith.

    • Atsap Revol says:

      Oh shucks, Guido, we thought you had definitely been sent…in fact you made a veiled reference to Jesus commanding followers and saints to preach His Glad Tidings to the great unwashed multitude of sinners. We thought you might even be a saint…St. Guido, that has a nice ring to it!

      If you seek approval from your pastor, please start by letting him review your first blessed post made on March 26, 2006. That’s the one where you said: “You should go shuve your face up someon’s fucking ass you fucking fuck of a fucking fucker fucky fuck fuck fucker fucky fucker fucky fucker fucky fuck fuck!!!!! FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!” That’s what I call real missionary work! I’m sure your pastor will agree, although I don’t think you made many converts here.

      Thank you for invoking God’s blessing on all of us evil Pastafarians. We don’t hate your God as you have repeatedly stated. It’s not possible to hate something that doesn’t exist. For example, Thor, Jupiter, Fairies, Witches, Demons, Satan, Angels, and the approximately 3,000 gods that man has invented over the ages, including your God, are examples of entities that don’r exist.

      We will miss you. In response to your heartfelt sentiments, we pray that you will see the truth and be touched by the Noodly Appendages of Our Holy Flying Spaghetti Monster, regardless of how you have harmed our faith.

      Ramen
      Atsap Revol, Pastafarian Prelate

      • SillyKiwiMan says:

        Perhaps he was sent by his Holy Noodliness to test our faith. I’m glad to say that my lack of faith in the mental health system is just as strong.

        When one doesn’t have an argument of any substance, repeating an opinion loudly and often doesn’t make up for that. Perhaps Gweeds may grow to love the embrace of a perfectly al denté noodle, but I think he’ll be too busy being “embraced” by the elders of his church from what he said. Proof that American proddy fundies are catching up with the catholics in one regard. Perhaps it’s their way of gaining converts.

    • Keith says:

      That was a rather pompous way of telling us that he’s going. We were telling him to sod off long before his “wiser Christian”. It just goes to show that kids don’t listen these days.

  6. Guido Arbia says:

    Okay, I said I wasn’t going to post anymore, since I haven’t confirmed my call to preach, but I’m not preaching right now. Why are you still holding my past against me? Why are you still looking at what I wrote seven years ago, when I was an immature teenager, and hadn’t yet gained the wisdom to act the right way? I am sorry that I posted those things. I should’ve never done it. I came here to preach the gospel, and to correct the things I did when I was younger. You’re making jokes about the mental health system. You have no idea what you’re talking about.

    Also, you seem to misinterpret everything you read, just like you fail to understand the scriptures. I spoke of how some have harmed the faith, not those who are against the faith, but those who claim to have the faith, who profess their faith but do not live by it. I spoke for your benefit, but you’re mocking me. If you can’t let go of the past, then you cannot claim to have higher moral standards than faithful Christians. Faithful Christians are always ready to forgive. Why can’t you forgive me, when I’ve done nothing but tried to save you since I came back to this site? Which word did I use to insult you in these past six days? I’ve done nothing but warned you of the wrath of God, and told you of the love of God, to rescue you from the place that you will surely go if you refuse His love. No one has ever been punished for loving God, but you will not accept His love, unless somehow your hearts are changed. I’ve only been trying to get through to your heart. Ultimately, I know that only the Spirit of God can change you, but I’ve done for you what I thought you needed. I’m still going to pray for every one of you, that God will grant you repentance for all that you have done. If you would simply ask it of the Lord, He would forgive you, but so far you have not acknowledged your guilt.

    Sorry, I know I’m preaching again, but you need to understand that there is a God and He loves you. And you’re making fun of His love. Don’t you realize you’re making fun of the horrifying sufferings of a God who suffered just to save you? You’re making fun of the death of your own Creator. You’re making fun of someone that loves you more than your own family or friends, or wives or husbands, or whomever you can think of. Would you do what you’re doing to your parents? Would you do that to your spouses? Would you do that to your friends? Then why are you doing it to Christ? This is your hatred against God, whom you want to believe with all your might does not exist. This is the hatred by which men beat Him and hung Him on a cross. And yet you claim that He is evil, even though He has suffered so much pain because of all the evil things you did. If God condemns you, He will have only done what is just. If you would just run to Him, if you would just acknowledge your guilt, if you would just cry out for mercy, broken before your God, I promise that you will have nothing to fear. But all this time you have rejected His love. And if you reject His love, how can you expect His mercy?

    • SillyKiwiMan says:

      I’m not mocking you because of your first post. Like I said earlier, at least it was honest.

      I’m mocking you because you’re stupid.

      We-don’t-believe-your-god-exists. It’s really not that hard to understand. Don’t be surprised when we shoot you down, we’ve been up front about what we think from the start. You’ve brought nothing to the table. No new ideas, not a shred of evidence. The one thing, morality, that you try to claim as evidence for your beliefs doesn’t stack up.

      Again, just so you’re 100% clear, and I speak only for myself, not Pastafarians in general: you’re stupid. You have the right to be stupid, and you most certainly have the ability. You keep demonstrating that by the monotonous regularity with which you contradict yourself. Just don’t expect me to respect your stupidity.

      • Keith says:

        I agree SKM: rattling out endless quotes from the Big Book of Multiple Choices is tedious at best and an act of supreme idiocy at its worst.

        • Puppygoogoo says:

          One thing I find quite funny is the fact that they think everyone needs rules, basically telling them not to be a d##k, written down. Another thing is the fact they believe that their god chose their particular strain of religion over all of the others, many times without knowing the history of their strain, and not any of the others. Thanks for listening/reading.

          Puppygoogoo

    • TheFewTheProudTheMarinara says:

      Guido, I don’t care what you wrote years ago, so I “forgive” you. What I have an issue with is the tired statement “you’re making fun of the horrifying sufferings of a God who suffered just to save you”. Save us from what? His own wrath? This never made sense to me, even when I was a Christian. God supposedly only forgave us (wait, isn’t this the same god who smote indiscriminately?) when we tortured and killed his son. Yeah, i can see how that smoothed things over.

    • Atsap Revol says:

      Welcome back Guido. I was pretty sure we hadn’t heard the last of you. I suggest that you take a moment and read the ABOUT section for this site. The goal of the whole Flying Spaghetti Monster exercise is to thwart superstitious morons like you from inserting mythical Biblical stories in Science Curriculum. You appear to be a typical foaming-at-the-mouth fundamentalist. That means that you accept the fictional story of Genesis and disbelieve the well-established facts of evolution and an Earth that is much older than 6,000 years.

      You have every right to believe as you choose. You have the right to teach your beliefs in your church. You have the right to teach these beliefs in your home. You have the right to home-school your chidren and teach them Creationism or Intelligent Design. But you do not have the right to insert your superstitious beliefs into scientific curriculum in public schools at taxpayers expense. Courts have ruled against including your nonsense in science classes.

      Again, I do not hate your “God” anymore than I hate the ancient gods of Egypt or India. Ask yourself, do you hate Thor? The reason you don’t hate Thor is because in your mind he doesn’t exist and never did. Then ask yourself why you accept your God as the one true god. The reason is because you were born into a Judeo-Christian culture. If you had been born in Iran, you would be a Muslim, and your god would be Allah. I doubt that you will understand what I’ve just said.

      Discussion with you is impossible. You will not answer simple questions, such as, how do you justify what your loving, mythical God did to Job? If your purpose here has been to enlighten us, you have failed. I agree with SillyKiwiMan. You are stupid.

      Atsap Revol, The Pastafarian Prophet

      • Atsap Revol says:

        Want to obtain further enlightenment from Guido Arbia? He has his very own blog where he posts the same nonsense he’s been posting here. This guy is not a Poe; he’s a genuine fundie nutjob.

        http://guidoarbia.blogspot.com/

        Maybe I will post his thoughtful March 25, 2006 message on his blog for him. What do you think?

        • Keith says:

          Wow, so we are all born evil and enemies of the great sky daddy, eh? Is there a church called “Misanthropes for God”?

        • Atsap Revol says:

          I found a short story written by this guy (or at least attributed to him, and a search finds only one Guidio Arbia in the US. He lives in New York).

          His story concludes with a statement that all women should be sent to hell. I think we were visited by a very sick, pathetic psycho. May the Holy Flying Spaghetti Monster have mercy on his sorry confused soul.

        • SillyKiwiMan says:

          That’s actually more disturbing than I thought it was going to be.

          Is anyone going to be surprised when we hear about him blowing up an abortion clinic, or just losing his shit & locking himself in a church with a rifle?

          His everlasting god considers us all to be his enemies? I had trouble reading any more after that, I tried, but it was painful.

      • SillyKiwiMan says:

        Thanks Atsap. I was pretty sure I wasn’t alone in thinking Gweeds is stupid, but it’s always nice to not be alone. I briefly thought that I was being needlessly unkind, but then thought “nah, he’s an arsehole”. Besides, he’s apparently a good christian. What’s the worst he can do? Forgive me? (Unlike his sadistic sky-fairy, who loves me and forgives me but will still laugh as I burn…)

        • Keith says:

          The interesting thing is: will he return? Perhaps he realised that he had over reached himself and used the “Wiser Christians than Me ” as a ploy to bow out gracefully: although his corresponding rubbish lacked such grace. Only time and his/her/its Noodliness knows.

        • Atsap Revol says:

          Yes, Keith, predictably he did return. See his meandering, illogical post below.

  7. Ronald Rupy says:

    I have received a revelation from the Flying Sphagetti Monster. Here it is.

    Pirates and Pastafarians, old and new, hearken!
    Lean your ear upon the tip of his noodle,
    for a message has come down from his meat balls,
    a spicy message, decked with spicy sauce.
    And he has set before us plates of pasta,
    He shall serve it to us for a tasty treat,
    if we would lean our ear upon his noodle,
    upon his saucy and most butter laden noodle.
    The pasta king has given us this message,
    and this is what the king of pasta says,

    “My little pirates, put no faith in me,
    for I am but a plate of meat and pasta.
    I have never done a thing to form the earth,
    nor sent you prophets telling you of me,
    for though I speak, my life has never been,
    and you must cease to put your faith in me.
    The Lord Jehovah, He has made the earth,
    and though you don’t believe, it still is He.”

    • SillyKiwiMan says:

      Yeah, I’m going to go with a resounding “fuck off” for that one.

      Mock not our faith, nor our pirate costumes. (Especially mine, I made it myself and I’m sensitive about it) Instead realise that whilst our church (not religion, there’s a difference, look it up) may be seen as unconventional, we’re just as valid as any other belief based on bullshit.

      His Holy Noodliness would never waste both his time and ours by bothering to send false prophets. There’s a whole lot of beer out there to be drunk. He’s probably busy getting plastered so he can have another shot at making another universe, hopefully one with less fuckwits.

      Pretending that our deity is just yours in disguise has been done. C.S. Lewis spent a lot of time writing christian propaganda that attempted to reconcile good people burning in hell.

      Yarrgh

    • SillyKiwiMan says:

      And learn to spell “spaghetti”.

  8. Guido Arbia says:

    Such good research skills you have. I am confident in your abilities to assess the fossil record and every form of evidence that is available, seeing you have no doubt correctly examined the evidence, and come to many undeniable conclusions. Not.

    I will return for a little while, to answer these questions a bit further.

    You keep calling me stupid, and insisting that I haven’t answered your questions.

    Let me ask you several questions:

    1. Do you believe in absolute right and wrong?
    2. Do you believe that God should follow a standard of right and wrong?
    3. If so, which standard should He follow?
    4. Should a supreme God follow the rules set down by His creations, if indeed they are set down by His creations?
    5. Do you believe in the Law of No Contradiction?
    6. If so, how do you reconcile the answers to these questions?

    If you’ve answered yes to question 1 above, please answer the following.

    1. Was murder wrong before humans realized it was wrong?
    2. If so, why is it wrong?
    3. If it is wrong, and it merits being followed, why doesn’t the moral law have authority over the universe?

    Seems to me, that without a law giver, you have no one to enforce the law, since the universe doesn’t seem to obey it. This can only mean that the morality is worthless, and everyone can do whatever they want, whether they want to enforce the law themselves or commit mass genocide. It doesn’t really matter because no one cares except for certain human cultures. And if there are some cultures that don’t care, well, since there is no reason why they shouldn’t, they can kill everything that moves, whether man or beast, because there is no one to say that it is wrong.

    Let me illustrate a bit further.

    A. Culture A says genocide is wrong.
    B. Culture B says genocide is a way of life.
    C. Culture A and B have equal authority.
    D. Each culture defines their own morals.
    E. Therefore, it is right for culture A to refrain from hurting culture B, and it is right for culture B to massacre everyone in culture A. No one has done anything wrong.

    Please explain to me how this is not the case. Remember, you can’t say that genocide is evil because morality differs from culture to culture.

    • Atsap Revol says:

      “It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt.”

      -Mark Twain-

      • Keith says:

        Standard tactic. Fundie writes long rambling essays: fills them with chaff so that no one can sort out what to answer without having to waste a day organising their argument. Result, all the pieces knocked over , pigeon shit all over the chessboard and the fundie struts around saying he’s won.

        • Guido Arbia says:

          What tactic? I asked you several simple questions. If you can’t answer them then you don’t have an argument.

        • Atsap Revol says:

          Chess playing pigeon is a good analogy, Keith. Another one is: “A verbose fundie is like a bird that flys in ever-decreasing, concentric circles until it flies up its asshole.” Guido’s “simple questions” were his ever-decreasing concentric circles.

        • Keith says:

          Ah: the Oozlum bird.

        • Guido Arbia says:

          Okay, let’s try this one more time. Some of you have said that the God of the Bible is evil. Some of the same people also said that morality differs from culture to culture. Unless you have no knowledge of logic, you should very quickly see that these two thoughts are contradictory. If morality differs from culture to culture, then there is no absolute standard, which is what you also say. If there is no absolute standard, then God cannot be evil. If He is evil, then He is violating a standard which tells Him how to be good. If there is no standard, then He cannot be evil. If you don’t believe that certain deeds are absolutely wrong, then why do you believe that genocide is wrong. Your own logic justifies genocide, but God hates genocide. God commanded the Hebrews to wipe out wicked people who were diseased, and who could not live any longer without spreading absolute horror throughout the world, and without making themselves suffer unimaginably. The babies were completely diseased. Also, those nations practiced infanticide. The babies could not live, because if they lived, they would have two problems. One, they would not be able to find redemption from the absolute horror and sin that their parents forced on them. And two, they were so unhealthy that they would suffer horribly. God did the merciful thing by judging these people for their sins, and taking the babies to heaven so that He wouldn’t have to send them to hell for being so utterly evil. What do you think this means? “for the iniquity of the Amorites is not yet full.” It literally means that their sin has not reached its full extent, and their hearts have not yet been fully hardened against repenting. God gave them 400 years to repent. They chose to practice infanticide. You want to justify these people? The Bible talks about how God hates when people justify the wicked. You are justifying a bunch of evil nations who were way worse than Nazi Germany during the Holocaust. God has every right to kill every living thing in every one of those nations, whether He did it himself or told someone else to do it. He has the right because He is the one who decides what is right and wrong. Your questions actually means this: “Is God so much of a God that He has the right to be God?” Yes, God is so much of a God that He has the right to be God. And you’re so much of a creature that you have no right to talk back to Him. How dare you tell God how to run the universe. You want to try running the universe? Oh that’s right, you’re still trying to figure out how all the elementary particles work. You still don’t know a single thing about how God designed the universe, and yet you want to tell God that He doesn’t know what He’s doing.

          You’re a child talking back to his parents saying, “Why can’t I smoke weed? I feel smarter when I smoke weed,” only you’re actually telling your Creator that you wish He was dead. God hasn’t made it difficult for you to experience eternal joy. All you have to do is believe in Him. It’s the same as telling your father, “I love you too, dad! I want to live with you in this nice house you made for us. I know you went through a lot of hard work to make it possible for us to live here. And I’m sorry that I offended you so much.” But you’re telling your father this instead, “I hate you dad. I don’t even want to know you. I am going to pretend you don’t exist. I don’t want to live in this house. I would rather live in a garbage can. So that’s where I’m going to go. I don’t have to follow your rules. Stop trying to control my life. If I can’t smoke weed and drink alcohol and beat people up, and be shown constant blessing from you, then I wish you were dead.” Guess what, your father is the judge. He can make a way for you to escape jail if he chooses to, because he loves you, but if you don’t want a part of it, then you’re going to jail. It’s that simple. There’s nothing complicated to understand about that at all.

          Being a supreme being who is absolutely good is not about just giving people pleasure all the time. It’s about doing the right thing, and doing what is best for your creatures. If you really love your creatures, you’re going to let them make a decision to love you back, and to receive the love you’re offering them. If they have this ability, they can choose to be evil. If they can choose to be evil, then, in order to be good, you’re going to have to send some people to hell. There is just no other way for true love to exist in the universe. True love is a conscious decision, made by both the lover and the beloved. True love does not force its will on people, but justice demands judgment from a judge. God is the lover, and He is also the judge. You choose which one you want Him to be toward you. You can’t be the judge because you’re not the Creator. You’re supposed to love people, and even suffer because they don’t understand your love. God is supposed to satisfy justice, because He is a God of justice, and He cannot do something which is unjust. That’s the whole point behind Christ’s death on the cross. God’s justice being satisfied through His love, to save His creatures from His own wrath. God cannot just forgive you. That is not just. He has to do something about your sin. Do you get it now?

        • TheFewTheProudTheMarinara says:

          Guido: The fact that the god of the Old Testament is subject to cultural mores proves he is a product of that culture. In the ancient world, you wanted a bad-ass god who could wipe out your enemies, and give the wealth of your neighbors to you. Genocide? Infanticide? Slavery? Rape and torture? All condoned by Yahweh. Not the role model who guides you to a higher conscience, but a reflection of what a semi-primitive society wants. Proof that man created god, not the other way around.

        • SillyKiwiMan says:

          No, you mentally defective imbecile.

          We don’t think your god is evil. We don’t think it exists. You’re deliberately misinterpreting our stance of “if he did exist, which he doesn’t, he’s an arsehole who one should question worshipping”.

          I stress again: your god is imaginary, like those before, and those that will inevitably come after. Not evil, non-existent.

          I personally avoid pointing out the whole “your god is a dick” thing, because quarter-wits (if you work hard, or maybe pray enough you might graduate to half-wit, Gweeds) like this example seize upon it and then insist that you think their god exists after all. I prefer to repeat “your god is pretend” over and over again, until they get it or go away. So far there’s 0% for Team Rational. They just rant, throw their toys, and condemn me to a non-existent hell.

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