Dear Bobby Henderson, I understand your condition and I just want you to know you have my utmost sympathy. My name is Leon Riddic. I am a certified psychologist and graduate from the BSI (Brain Studies Institute). When I heard about the Flying Spaghetti Monster phenomenon, a bulb lit up in my head. I knew that who ever was responsible for the invention of the concept of the Flying Spaghetti Monster must be in deep agonizing pain. I knew that they had been afflicted with a terrible wound that could only be healed by our loving lord and savior Jesus Christ.
You see, I’ve examined you based on the four basic temperaments theory (Widely accepted by world renound psychologists.) I’ve been able to pick up suttle clues from your writing style and expression as to your mentality and core character. Based on which temperaments you consist of and other components of your character, I’ve been able to test you against a criteria by which I can classify you under one of 50 psychological categories. It just so happens that you are a Hyprolack.
Hyprolack’s in most cases have been molested as children and evidence shows that you most definitely have been. Their fathers often beat them and shove strange objects up their anus. In most cases, Hyprolacks suffer from sever irreversible brain damage as a result of having incestuous parents. Another words, Bobby Henderson, your mother and father are brother and sister.
You went through a lot of pain growing up. In order to express your deep hatred for your father, you have to deceive millions of people by inventing this mythological creature. You see, the mythological creature represent what you wished you could be (intelligent). It is something that you are obviously not because of brain damage. The millions of people you are deceiving represent yourself. What you are doing is actually trying to deceive your very own self into thinking that your father never molested you, did not commit incest, did not beat you, and that you are intelligent.
One day, your going to die, and when you do, you will be met with eternal retribution. It won’t be because you did not accept Jesus Christ into your heart as your personal lord and savior. It will be because you are a dum fuck and deserve to burn in hell. There is no hope for one who fits under your category. Everyone who has ever fallen under that category has turned out to be a rapist and a murderer. That is what lies ahead. There is only one solution, but since you will not take it there is no hope. The one solution is you must live in the desert for forty days and eat sand. After that you must do away with this Flying Spaghetti Monster business and accept Jesus Christ into your heart as your personal lord and savior.
Personally, from my perspective you are doomed. I am extremely glad that your eternal fate will be hell. I can’t wait to see you suffer. I hope the flames that envelop you are extra hot. I hope your testicles ache, and your nipples rust. I want you to know that the whole world hates you. One day, people are going to piss on you and fuck you up. They will break your arms. They will come into your house and castrate you. There is no hope. Your fate is sealed. You have been predestined to serve as a pussy sucker for the rest of eternity. There is nothing you can do. Let this email be a warning unto you.
I just have one thing left to say to you: Bobby Henderson, SUCK MY BIT FAT COCK YOU MOTHER FUCK!
“Wench Cyka Oct 9th, 2007 at 3:26 pm
refers PP to lick one of lilwench’s popsickles”
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Why is that Cyka?
This letter was very well written. The mailer starts off with a sympathetic tone, moves on to a sorta technical wordage, becomes just a little graphic in details, begins to take on an insulting voice, and then finally ends with a flat out “FUCK YOU!!!” kind of feeling. At first, he sounds kind; by the end, he seems very impolite.
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Even if he is a rude hate-mailer who is inconsiderately being an asshat towards our way of life, he is (in my opinion) quite good–better than me, at least–at writing with a transition of tone.
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Anywhooz… Based upon his tone–specifically, his final tone, since the entire letter seems to be working it’s way towards that point–I have determined that he is just a little (or perhaps more than a little) annoyed by Pastafarianism.
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Aristotle, Analyzer of Authors’ Tone
Those hyphens should be dashes. I put two hyphens for each dash, but the FSM must have eaten some of them, or something.
Eh, it’s just some ol’ Russian word I picked up…
my favorite parts:
Their fathers often beat them and shove strange objects up their anus.
The one solution is you must live in the desert for forty days and eat sand.
I hope your testicles ache, and your nipples rust.
One day, people are going to piss on you and fuck you up. They will break your arms. They will come into your house and castrate you. There is no hope. Your fate is sealed.
SUCK MY BIT FAT COCK YOU MOTHER FUCK!
this is really good, is there gonna be a sequel?
my prediction for “i understand 2″!!!!!!!
That guy attempts to rape bobby.
he turns out to be his own father
AND a manatee :D
he also turns out to be bobby’s ex girlfriend.
and then harry potter dies :P
I said, “This letter was very well written.” I was comparing it to other hate mail. Compared to anything else, it’s dirt.
Even some of the hate mail makes it look like dirt.
The incredible hypocrisy was my favorite part.
If “Hyprolack’s” was a real disease, Leon would fall perfectly into the diagnosis. Unintelligent, pretends to be something he’s not to cover up who he actually is. I also enjoyed the part about “nipple’s rusting”.
“One day, your going to die, and when you do, you will be met with eternal retribution. It won’t be because you did not accept Jesus Christ into your heart as your personal lord and savior. It will be because you are a dum fuck and deserve to burn in hell.”
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According to your bible, not accepting Jesus is the reason he will be going to hell. You are contradicting yourself.
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Furthermore, according to your bible, you deserve to burn in hell too. You get to go to heaven only because Jesus died for your sins, and not because you are Christian (according to your bible (which I do not believe anyways)). You deserve to be punished, but Jesus got punished for you.
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Christians are not better people than non-Christians. Even your own bible says that.
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Christians should at least stop contradicting what the claim to believe, if they don’t want to be ridiculed. Though, they might be ridiculed anyway.
snort.. huh? oh.. thought you meant why Cyka, as in what does Cyka mean…
Was just an eloquent and classy way of sayin’ “no”
You get to go to heaven only because Jesus died for your sins, and not because you are Christian (according to your bible (which I do not believe anyways))..
Er…ignore that sentence. It’s at least half wrong.
After reading the first paragraph, I said, “Bull shit.”
You’re probably some guy trying to convert random people.
Conversion doesn’t work unless you know how to effectively convert someone!
“SUCK MY BIT FAT COCK YOU MOTHER FUCK!”
I never knew Christians swear so much before coming on this site. Did Jesus ever talk like this?
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“So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her you fucking retarded fishermen fags!” John 8:7
At first I thought you had an actual chance of making a clever statement. Then I thought that you were just another “I’ll pray for you” person. Then, slowly, sentence by sentence, I started to figure out what you really are: a prick.
And I can’t believe that there are actually Christians who are this violently erratic, but are nevertheless actually quite masterful at tone transition.
he jackass, no one here but you has mental issues, jesus was a nutjob with a god complex and the FSM is real enough for me.